Fmylife107

Today, I actually used Febreze as a substitute for deodorant. FML

Today, I realized I'm too short to use the urinals at work. FML

Today, I woke up super glued to the toilet. FML

Today, I was house-sitting for some friends of my grandparents while they are out of town. While I was in the shower, the dog decided to take my dirty underwear and run. There is now a pair of lacy, black underwear hidden somewhere this giant house, and they return tomorrow. FML

Today, I was escorted out of the building for getting in a scuffle at my anger management class. FML

Today, my wife sent me to the store to pick stuff up so we could make BLTs. I got the bacon, but couldn't remember what else went into them, so I bought an avocado and napkins. When I got back home, my wife very slowly and sarcastically explained what BLT stands for. FML

Today, it's my 30th birthday. I was having a great night until I overheard my mother say, "I can't believe that thing made it to 30." FML

Today, I realized the reason my 20-year-old daughter has been so moody and aggressive is because she missed the promotional My Little Pony toys at McDonald's. FML

Ambushed

Today, my anxiety was so bad that when I was riding my bike on the sidewalk and two pedestrians came walking in the opposite direction, I got so nervous about having to go between them or accidentally hitting them that I fell off my bike, into a bush. FML

Today, I thought it would be funny to pee on a small bug in the toilet. A much larger bug thought it would be funny to fly into my eye while I was doing this. FML

Today, my mom was in the kitchen when her shirt caught on fire. Acting quickly, I poured my glass of water on her. Instead of thanking me, she yelled at me for making a mess. FML

Today, after being filled with joy after seeing my very elderly cat finally enjoying the sun in my garden, I skipped over to give her a hug. Turns out she was taking a shit. FML

Today, after babysitting, the parents actually tried to pay me in Trident Layers Gum. FML

Today, I discovered that during fire drills, my school lines everyone up next to some extremely flammable and explosive propane tanks. If we ever have a real fire, we will all die. FML

Today, I was babysitting. Everything was going well until the kid called 911 on me for making him eat his vegetables. FML

Today, I was going for a walk and I kept smelling pee wherever I went. After about an hour, I finally figured out that the smell was me. My dog had peed on my sweatshirt. FML

Today, I gave my little brother my iPhone so he could play a game. I soon forgot about it, and when I got it back two hours later, there was pudding and a couple of big cracks in it. FML

Today, an African-American family came into the restaurant at which I work. They said, "Jackson, party of 5." After I laughed, I realized they were serious. FML

Today, I cut myself while shaving my globes. My girlfriend now refuses to stop teasing me about being "fisted by Edward Scissorhands." FML

Today, while I was eating lunch at work, I practically had a panic attack because I'd forgotten to feed my Neopet. FML

I'll get my coat

Today, I was having sex with my husband. We thought the house was empty so we didn't mind being loud. Apparently, my grandma thought it would be fun to give us a surprise visit. All I found was a note on the counter from her and the spare key saying, "Next time, I'll call." FML

What is wrong with my brain?

Today, I had a dream about the damn cappuccino machine at work. FML

Today, my dog managed to pull a one-pound package of raw bacon out and eat the entire package including the cardboard. The vets cheered when they finally got him to puke up the entire, unchewed package of bacon. FML

Today, I got burned, all because the toaster scared me while I was holding a pot of boiling water. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time. About 2 hours later, he got to hold my hair while I puked, also for the first time. FML

Today, I paid $50 for a haircut. Halfway through, I realized the hairdresser was drunk. FML

Today, I found a bug under my foreskin. FML

Today, after a year of coaxing, I got my boyfriend of 18 months to agree to have sex with me. He decided his first course of action was to try to shove his flaccid penis into my unlubricated vagina. FML

Today, I needed to buy a new helmet. When I got to the sports shop, there was only one left in my size and preferred color. Thirty minutes after buying it, my head starts itching. Turns out I paid $40 for lice. FML

Today, I quit smoking. My son came home with an ashtray he made in arts and crafts class. FML