lexiluvchica

Today, I woke up with my face sharpied. I live alone. FML

Today, after confessing my love for my best friend, he looked at me and said "I'm not feeling it. But does this mean we can have sex?" FML

Today, I found out exactly what Ducolax stool softener is all about. Holy colon cleanse Batman! FML

Today, we were working with infant and adult CPR dummies. After practising flawless CPR on the adult dummy, I announced "And that's how you save someone." Then I tripped on the baby dummy and fell. My co-worker stood up and yelled out, "And that's how you kill a baby." FML

The more things change…

Today, airport security took away my 32$ eyelash curler, because it could be used as a weapon. I miss the '90s. FML

Today, while grocery shopping, my Dad asked me what I wanted for 'Din-Dins' while scratching his nuts. In a crowded aisle. Wearing short shorts. FML

Encouragement

Today, I'd finally reached my goal weight. I went into the office where my husband was, to show him the new size 8 jeans I'd bought. He responded with "I wouldn't buy any more clothes, you'll be putting the weight back on again soon." FML

Today, I was in a hurry trying to get into my locker, but it stuck. After a few frustrating attempts, I finally managed to get it open. In anger, I threw the door open, but it bounced back and hit me in the head. My natural reflex was to jerk forward, giving myself a black eye from the hook inside. I got in a fight with my locker and lost. FML

Today, my girlfriend's dad offered me $100 to break up with his daughter. I eagerly replied "no", but my girlfriend grabbed the money and said, "deal." FML

Today, my boss texted me to say the office was closed because of the snow. I begged him to let me go in anyway because I had nothing to do all day. I have no life, friends or hobbies. FML

Today, I was sitting in a parked car. A woman was having difficulties maneuvering out. She honked the horn repeatedly for me to move, then looked me in the eye and called me a "f**king bitch", before driving off. I was in the passenger seat. FML

Today, I said to my wife that I wished I had met her 20 years ago. Her response was, "Twenty years ago I had beautiful tits and many options, I wouldn't have even looked at you." FML

Today, I was about to get on stage for a choir concert, and realized I had no where to put my phone. Running out of time, I tucked it in the front of my dress and got on stage. I should have put it on silent first. FML

Today, I met my boyfriend's very strict and traditional Korean parents. I had to listen to them while they called me a skank and how I was fat and ugly compared to nice, pretty, Korean girls. They don't know I speak Korean. FML

Let me Slytherin

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to speak Parseltongue to my vagina to "prepare the Chamber of Secrets for entry". FML

Ugly truth

Today, my six year-old told me I have a big nose. When I told her that she hurt my feelings, she laughed and said, "Don't be silly mummy, ugly people don't have feelings." FML

Today, in art class, we made plaster masks. We were supposed to put Vaseline on our partner's face so the plaster didn't rip their facial hair out. My partner forgot to put it on my eye brows and eye lashes. My face is now completely hairless. FML

Today, I found out what sound a hammer makes when it strikes the back of my hand. FML

Today, I discovered that the painful eczema I get every winter was actually being caused by the moisturising cream I use to treat it. FML

Today, my best friend lost her virginity in the backseat of a car. I was sitting in the front. FML

Today, I woke up late for work, and got sick at work twice; when I got home I discovered I'd paid my cable bill late when I got cut off. When my girlfriend came over, the first thing she said was "Do you know about the graffiti on your car?" FML

Today, my last remaining pet, a hamster, died. Even he thinks it's better to drown in his water dish than brave the world living with me. FML

Today, a woman came to my counter and ordered 12 donuts. I said, "OK sure, a dozen donuts." She paused, looked at me with disgust and yelled, "I said 12, NOT a dozen." FML

Call Mario

Today, I was making out with a guy in a washroom at a party. Things got heavy and the guy lifted me onto the sink. The sink broke off from the wall. This caused a flood in the apartment. The party was canceled. FML

Today, it was my daughter's birthday. She had been wanting a cat for a long time, so I went to the animal shelter and got an orange one. As soon as she saw it, she ran upstairs screaming, "GINGER! GINGER!" She refuses to come downstairs until I get rid of "the soulless creature." FML

Love language

Today, trying to be an old-school romantic, I asked my girlfriend, "Where art thou, my love?" via SMS. She replied, "Toilet." FML

What do you mean, lady?

Today, I went to the doctor's office for an appointment. After waiting for ages, I asked the receptionist what the delay was. Apparently, I had no standing appointment today. This is coming from the same receptionist who checked me in nearly two hours ago. FML

Today, I told my mom I broke up with my boyfriend because he wanted to have sex and I wasn't ready. Her reply? "Well, you can't stay a virgin forever." FML

Today, my 400 pound roommate brought home a 400 pound guy. Now there's 800 pounds of sex going on in the next room, and it sounds like the invasion of Normandy in there. FML

Today, I fell over a wet floor sign warning you not to fall over. The irony hurt more than the fall. FML