Mr Vulcan, Canada
Today, I woke up with the worst hangover of my life. My best friend comes over and informs me that I had sex with my girlfriend's two best friends last night. Awesome! Then I realized her best friends are guys. FML
Today, I was walking when a man pointed a camera at me. I got bitchy about it, and said "Did I say you could take a picture?" He replied with, "No, but can you get the fuck out of the way so I can take one of my wife and kids?" I turned around, and they were right behind me. FML
Today, I found out the tattoo symbolising my marriage turned out to be more permanent than the marriage itself. FML
Today, my grandma went to get birthday gifts for my twin sister and me. She returned with 2 shirts that read "I see you've met the twins" in big letters across the chest. She gave them to us and said, "Isn't this cute? 'cause you're twins!" I then had to explain to her what the shirt was actually referring to. FML
Today, I was at a party where I ate a bowl of disgusting snacks because I didn't want to drink on an empty stomach. I spent the next twelve hours trying to prevent the world from collapsing into millions of demonic shards, cause apparently that's what a large dose of magic mushrooms does. FML
Today, my older brother and I were teasing our mom about her age. When we jokingly told her it was hard for us to watch our parents get old, she responded by saying, "Yeah, well, it's hard for me to watch my kids grow up and not have anyone who wants to marry them." FML
Today, I realized after sending out countless copies of my resume to companies, I failed to add my phone number on it. FML
Today, I learned that ice cubes do not cool down hot oil. Instead, it causes a massive explosion of hot grease to splatter all over my parents' kitchen. FML
Today, I went to pour myself a cup of coffee and noticed our kittens were playing in the living room. Transfixed by the cuteness, I didn't notice I started pouring hot coffee on my hand and foot. FML
Today, I was robbed by a guy wearing a ninja turtle costume. FML
Today, while playing with bubble wrap, I dislocated my thumb. FML
Today, I found out why I'm always let off easy when I do something wrong at work. They think I have a mental handicap. I don't. I'm just clumsy and forgetful. FML
Today, I was out clubbing, when some bloke at the bar started trying to pick fights with everyone. Trying to defuse the situation with humour, I said, "I used to be a tough guy like you. Then I took an arrow in the knee." The next thing I know, I have a broken nose. FML
Today, I got circumcised by my girlfriend's braces. FML
Today, I told my parents that I wanted to donate blood. My dad helpfully interjected, "Sorry, they don't accept blood from gingers." FML
Today, I realised my girlfriend only has sex with me to make me exercise. FML
Today, my husband started a food fight. During our wedding reception. FML
Today, I cracked a rib coughing. FML
Today, I was re-watching my wedding video. As I was walking down the aisle, you could hear my grandfather mutter "Here comes the bride, all fat and wide." FML
Today, a little girl looked at me and yelled "Mommy look, there's a real leprechaun!" FML
Today, I gave myself paper cuts on the sides of my mouth while licking the cover of a pudding cup. FML
Today, I got whiplash from sneezing. FML
Today, after several years of having her help me out by doing household chores, I bought my fifteen-year-old daughter a new pair of jeans. Her reaction was to squeal, "Master has presented Dobby with clothes. Dobby is free!" FML
Today, I had to explain to a customer how our hotel charged his card, even though he has never stayed with us. Apparently his wife is a regular customer. I can't help but feel like a homewrecker. FML
Today, at a concert, I got into a fight with a man in a banana suit. FML
Today, I watched "Rain Man" with my family. The whole time they kept exclaiming, "Omigod! That's just like Kate!" FML
Today, I was working at the local liquor store. An obviously drunk girl stumbles in, grabs two cases of beer and puts them on the counter. Then she grabs a pregnancy test, pees on it right there, shows me, and says, "I'm not pregnant, I want beer." FML
Today, I let my daughter bake a cake for her brother's fifth birthday party. She showed up later with a cake in the shape of a cock and balls. Apparently it's okay, though, because "I frosted it to look like a rocket, hehehe!" I can't believe my balls spawned this moron. FML
Today, I was fired for using violence and intimidation in the work place. I was a bouncer at a strip club. FML
Today, I sneezed my jaw out of socket. Yes, this is possible. FML
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