In a relationship
Today, my roommate informed me that he took a bet to not shower or bathe until Christmas. The bet is for five bucks. FML
Today, I found out my older brother put tanning lotion in the lotion I use to masturbate with. Now I have orange palms and an orange penis which won't go away for weeks. FML
Today, I was selling personalised stockings at work. When handing a customer's order over to her, which had no name on, I joked, "Oooh this is a bit mysterious". She replied, "Actually, it's in memory of the baby I miscarried earlier this year." FML
Today, while standing in line at a local Mexican fast food place, I was feeling generous and let a little kid behind me go in front. Turns out he had a list, and was ordering food for his whole family. I had to wait 30 minutes to get my food. FML
Today, in dance class, the instructor asked me to demonstrate the splits to the group. I slid down, my legs opening wider as I descended. I then loudly farted for the full 5 seconds it took to reach the ground. FML
Today, my fiancé ended our engagement, saying he wanted to have "one last quickie" for the road. He saw nothing wrong with that. FML
Today, my mom and I tried out Just Dance 2 on the Wii. When we both threw out our hands at the same time, my mom's Wii remote hit my hand and ripped my finger nail. As I stared at the bloody, half hanging off nail, my mom muttered, "You should have stayed in your dance space." FML
Today, I got an e-mail from my seminar tutor asking why I wasn't in class. I was sitting next to him. FML
Today, I was in class when someone came in with a rose for me. My teacher made me read the card aloud: "I'm breaking up with you, happy Valentine's." It was from my boyfriend. FML
Today, my roommate came home and instantly began raging, cursing, and threatening to kill me. While I was cowering in my bedroom, the police had to settle the situation. All I'd done was rearrange some furniture. FML
Today, I found a dead squirrel under my son's bed. Apparently, he has been keeping it there as a "pet" for the past week. FML
Today, I found out that when I orgasm, my increased heart rate causes me to pass out. I also found out my boyfriend doesn't stop when I'm unconscious. FML
Today, I wore my cheerleading uniform to my boyfriend's house. He was a nerd in high school and mentioned a fantasy about hooking up with a cheerleader. I started acting sassy and a little mean, figuring he would enjoy a more realistic experience. Apparently not, because he started to cry. FML
Today, I was watching TV and started freaking out thinking I forgot to wish my boyfriend a happy anniversary. I wrote him a text and after I'd sent it, I realized that the date is mine and my ex's anniversary date. FML
Today, my boyfriend punched a hole in a door. This is on top of the broken handle, cracked sink top, dented fridge, and other holes in the wall he has also made. We are 4 months into our year lease. I don't think we are getting our $720 deposit back. FML
Today, my boyfriend dumped me. He said he would have done it two weeks ago but he needed someone to drive him around while his car was getting repaired. FML
Today, a girl I've been crushing on for over a year finally gave me her number. I lost the note at home, but found it a few hours later. I excitedly called, only to find she'd written down the number for the local Pizza Hut. FML
Today, for the first time in my life, a girl has a crush on me. Too bad it's my co-worker's five year old granddaughter. FML
Today, I was browsing the web when I checked the search history. Turns out my son has been searching for "nude grills" and "hot grills." Not only is my 12-year-old son attempting to find porn on the internet, he also can't spell. FML
Today, I went to my favorite all you can eat buffet. The cook tapped my shoulder and told me to stop eating. FML
Today, I reached the point in my life where Target is the "expensive" store. FML
Today, I received a rejection letter from a college that I'd applied to 6 years ago. FML
Today, I caught my wife slipping penis enlargement pills into my coffee. FML
Today, I listened as my ridiculously wealthy friend excitedly rambled on and on about her latest shopping trip. This is the same friend who owes me £150, and accused me of being insensitive for asking her to repay it at some point. FML
Today, I lent my sister $1000 because she and her husband were in some debt. They used the money to go gambling in Vegas and won a major jackpot. They won't even give me a cut. FML
Today, I realized the closest I've ever been to being hit on was with a car in the school parking lot. Even then, the guy claimed he "didn't notice" me. FML
Today, I dislocated my jaw while giving my boyfriend a blowjob. FML
Today, I was trying to get my boyfriend in the mood so I held his hands against the bed, and whispered, "Have you been a bad boy?" Thinking he'd say something kinky back, he replied "Yes Santa" then burst out laughing. FML
Today, my fiancé told me he wants to buy an engagement ring for his mother, so that she doesn't feel left out. FML
Today, I stepped in a pile of dog shit. While trying to get it off by wiping my foot on the grass, I stepped in another pile. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thank you, your FML was submitted, and will appear the moderation soon!
