Single
Today, my niece, who is fifteen, convinced my six-year-old daughter that her name is spelled C-U-N-T, and just pronounced as Catherine. FML
Today, after being stood up at a diner, I called the girl who was supposed to have met me. Turns out, she thought I was kidding when I asked her out. FML
Today, some asshat chewed me out over a 10 cent late fine he was charged on his library card. When I tried to explain the fine to him, he started mimicking me. Finally, as he chucked a dime at my head before storming out, I saw the glint of a Rolex watch from beneath his power suit. FML
Today, I took my girlfriend out to eat at a diner where my friend works. My friend was our waiter but too busy to talk much. He texted me after we'd left to tell me that my girlfriend had slipped him her number. FML
Today, yet again, I got to my desk at work at 8 AM to find my laptop turned on and porn sites opened. Weird porn sites. I have no idea who is doing this, or how they have access to my office, or how they got my login password. HR thinks I'm making this up. FML
Today, my online order arrived earlier than I expected. I opened it to find some kind of anal sex toy. Whoever this is for is going to be disappointed when they get my 3DS game. FML
Today, I realized that my grandma has pictures of all her grandchildren all over her house, with one glaring exception: me. FML
Today, my ex-wife put my number on Craigslist as a gay fashion designer needing a one night stand. I only found out when I got a text from an unknown number asking me when was the last time I "ate a black anaconda". FML
Today, my girlfriend made bacon sandwiches for lunch. I didn't want to be rude, but I couldn't help but mention that the bacon smelled and tasted weird. I thought it may have expired. She said not to worry because she used the dry bacon under the counter. Those were dog treats. FML
Today, I had to explain to my son why it is not okay to slap old women's butts. He's 16. FML
Today, I sent a student to the dean for trying to smoke pot in my class. His mother called to complain that I publicly humiliated her son. FML
Today, I found out that the nice guy who comes to my workplace every morning to bring me a smoothie also makes a point of putting his knob in it before giving it to me. Also, all my coworkers knew about this and think it's hilarious. FML
Today, my one-night stand decided he wanted to meet my parents. FML
Today, I found out that the vacation my mom has been planning to "repair our relationship" was just an opportunity to change her Facebook profile picture. FML
Today, I realised I sweat so much that I won't be able to go without sticking super pads with wings to my shirt underarms everyday. It makes supermarket trips interesting. Especially as a man. FML
Today, I bought some really expensive face wipes that were supposed to cure my awful acne. I was excited to use them until I found out my mom had used them all wiping down her car. FML
Today, a drunk man walked into my house at 2 p.m. and screamed out, "Honey, I'm home!" He had the wrong house, but it looks like I've finally met my new neighbour. FML
Today, I invited my new girlfriend over for the first time. My roommate thought it would be funny to go on a porn site on my computer and leave it up. She saw it, freaked out, slapped me, and left. FML
Today, I decided to be friendly and say hi to the weird kid at school, who was sitting by himself eating lunch. After I said hello, he stared up at me intensely and said, "I don't have many friends. Yeah. Mainly 'cause I've eaten most of them." FML
Today, I walked in on my roommate whacking off to clown porn. FML
Today, my 15-year-old daughter said she wanted to become a "baby name expert". I chortled, until I looked it up. They actually exist. FML
Today, I found out that the girl I've fallen in love with is a "young-earth/dinosaurs-lived-with-humans" crackpot. FML
Today, I learned that an antidepressant that works too well is a stimulant. I've been jittering and twitching like a meth-head, and my co-workers are asking when Jesse will be showing up with my "stuff". FML
Today, I went in the diner I always pass by and ordered a sandwich. When I asked how much it was, the waitress replied, "Don't worry, honey. We give free meals to the homeless on Thursdays." I was too ashamed to deny it, so I just said thank you and left. FML
Today, I watched in horror as my dad picked up a dead centipede, placed it on his tongue, and then swallowed it. FML
Today, my gran came over for dinner, for which I had to go grab some supplies from the supermarket. I guess I should have locked my laptop, because when I came back, I found my gran had used my Facebook account to propose to my now-ecstatic girlfriend. FML
Today, I summoned the courage to talk to my friends about the money they owe me for my photography services at their wedding. We had agreed on a fair price, but now they're pissed, claiming that I'm being selfish, and should consider it my wedding gift to them. FML
Today, I was showing my 6-year-old son how easy and safe it is to ride a bike. I didn't notice a pebble, bust up my leg, and my son is now terrified of bicycles. FML
Today, minutes before I walked down the aisle at my wedding, my drunk mother stumbled up to me and told me she was depressed and wanted to leave. FML
Today, I was cutting a client's hair, and she was complaining about how itchy her head was from having it too long. As I lay down my comb and shears, three lice bugs ran across my counter. FML
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