Mr Littleton, USA 32 years-old Single
Today, my boyfriend moved. I found out when I went over to surprise him with take-out food and he was pulling out of the driveway. He flipped me off as he drove past. FML
Today, I took my iPod to Walmart to replace the battery. They tell me to call Apple. I go home again and call Apple. They tell me to call Walmart. I call Walmart. They tell me to bring it in. FML
Today, I went on a movie date with a guy. He brought his mom. FML
Today, at work, I was caught picking my nose, on camera, in an elevator. The security guard stopped me on my way out of the building to tell me how funny it was. FML
Today, I had to do 40 squats with a medicine ball. I always made fun of medicine balls my whole life because they looked so easy that even senior citizens did them. I passed out in the middle of the gym. FML
Today, I woke up to my Playstation 3 and my laptop missing and window open. My dad faked a robbery to see me freak out. FML
Today, a fly got stuck up my nose while I was giving a speech. FML
Today, I had to escort some dumbass teenager from Home Depot after I found him masturbating in one of the model washrooms. FML
Today, I held up my best friend with a lighter shaped like a gun, and jokingly accused him of sleeping with my wife, only to have him admit that he really did. FML
Today, my son got expelled after using the photocopier to photocopy his penis. He then used the copies to replace every directional arrow posted throughout the school. FML
Today, after years of being terrified of those biscuit cans that pop when you unwrap them, I finally decided I'd open one myself. I'm sitting in the hospital with a sliced hand from the lid and can feel therapy in my future. FML
Today, my husband and I were fooling around, and things got heated. In the heat of things, I told him to tear my panties off. He took it literally and yanked at them with all his might. It's been two hours and I still can't walk straight. FML
Today, we went boating with friends. For some reason the bottom of our tube deflated, causing me to be bounced roughly up and down on the water. As a result, I had the most intense orgasm of my entire life, while sitting 2 inches away from my dad's friend. He definitely noticed. FML
Today, I had to feed an elderly man in the care home in which I work while he was whacking off. Our work policy states that I have to pretend not to notice. FML
Today, I woke up and found $30 slipped under my door with a note that read, "Please buy yourself a quieter vibrator. - Mom and Dad." FML
Today, I saw an elderly gentleman in the street wearing a shirt with a big QR code on it. Amused, I used an app on my phone to decode it. It gave me a shortened web address, which I followed, only to be faced with a picture of the same gentleman naked, grinning, and giving a thumbs up. FML
Today, my mom was acting really pissy, and I couldn't help but mutter that she must be on her period. Five hours later, I'm glued to the toilet with my phone, because she went all out for revenge and spiked my dinner with some hellishly potent kind of laxative. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I watched Star Trek Into Darkness together. He liked it so much that he's now chosen to yell "KHAAANNNNN!" as he cums. FML
Today, I was in a public restroom when my almost-two-year-old figured out how to open the door and run out. Half-a-dozen strangers watched me scramble to pull up my pants and moon everyone before running after her. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Devastated, I told my dad about it, hoping he'd help cheer me up. His advice was, "Just rub one out son, you'll feel better in no time." Thanks dad. FML
Today, I had to give a speech on stage at a local preschool about fire safety. I'm 32 years-old and passed out on stage because I felt extremely nervous and intimidated by a group of 4 year-olds. FML
Today, I was in a hurry to get to work. I pulled impatiently behind a long line of cars to make a right hand turn. I sat there for 5 minutes. Turns out there wasn't a line to make a right hand turn. I had been waiting behind a line of parked cars. FML
Today, I tried to wash my cat in the shower, conveniently naked myself. He disapproved, scratching my man-parts and nicking a vein. I just got back from the hospital with an infection, swollen nuts, and a hole in my butt for which I had to get a shot of antibiotics. FML
Today, I pulled out three chips from a bag. There were two round ones, and a skinny one, making it look like a penis. I laughed. I'm 33. FML
Today, I was fined because my son pushed the alarm button in the elevator. Why? There was a spider in there. FML
Today, I was studying late and kept hearing weird screeching sounds from outside. I couldn't figure out what it was and started getting really freaked out. It wasn't until later that I realized it was just my nose whistling. FML
Today, while at dinner, I told my boyfriend that I wished he liked sushi. He replied, "I wish you liked anal." FML
Today, I found out that my wife was having sex with my friend. It turned out that my genius cat realized it wasn't me there and attacked his balls, severely cutting them. I now have to kill my cat and pay for his medical bills to sew his balls back. FML
Today, my fire alarm startled me so badly that I shat myself. FML
Today, a man punched me for sleeping with his wife. Bewildered, I insisted I would never sleep with a married woman, to which he retorted, "She wasn't my wife when it HAPPENED, dumbass!" I was assaulted for sleeping with my own girlfriend three years ago. FML
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