Mr ur mom's, house 32 years-old Single
Today, while I was at work, I heard one of my employees laughing on the phone. I told him to shut up and get back to work. Turns out he was actually crying because his father had just died. FML
Today, I had to moisturise my dog's testicles because they got sunburnt. FML
Today, while driving, I made a fake phone call with my fake boyfriend, making him sound amazing to my friends who were in the car with me. Until the red and blue flashing lights pulled up behind us. My fake boyfriend cost me $160 in real fines. FML
Today, I was kicked out of class for having a coughing fit. Yesterday, I was kicked out of class for sleeping, a side effect of my cough suppressant. Three absents from this class and I automatically fail. FML
Today, my mother, my aunt, and my two sisters are all on their periods. I can't even brush my teeth in my own house without being treated like a criminal. FML
Today, my daughter was expelled from her school for beating another kindergartener with a Dr. Seuss book. FML
Today, I saw my mom run across the house naked for a condom. FML
Today, after receiving the third call this week from teachers about my son falling asleep in class, I decided that it would be a good idea to hide his Xbox controllers. He decided it would be a good idea to hide my diabetes medication. FML
Today, my genius boyfriend was trying to remember a particular island in the Caribbean that was used by pirates in the past. I offered up Morocco. I heard him facepalm over the phone. FML
Today, when I weighed myself on my scale, it broke. FML
Today, I got home from work to find my house covered in graffiti dicks, the windows smashed, the front lawn entirely ripped up, and my letter box containing dog shit. I also found a note taped to the door saying, "Suck on this Darren". Darren is my next door neighbor. FML
Today, I was riding on the bus, when I felt a weird sensation on my hair. The person behind me was petting it. FML
Today, my mom used, "Happy Thanksgiving break" and, "We sold your car" in the same sentence. FML
Today, I received my first phone call of the new year. It was the police station informing me that my elderly grandmother has been arrested for indecent exposure. FML
Today, I received a cute letter in my locker. It was in German, so I used Google translate. Apparently, someone hopes I choke on big fat cock. FML
Today, my husband started getting frisky, but I wasn't in the mood, so I said I'd just like to cuddle and talk. He decided a good topic of conversation was whether or not it would be physically possible to smoke my grandma's ashes from the cremation urn. FML
Today, I went to Hooters for lunch. My food was brought to me by a man. FML
Today, I was excited because I was going to get my college decisions back. I put all of the letters in order of my preference. Didn't get into my first choice. Denied from my second choice. Rejected from my third choice. Wait listed on my back-up. Accepted for a job at Target. FML
Today, I tried to see if you can kick yourself in the nuts. You can. FML
Today, I found out that my resume contained the word "masturbation" in the skills section, courtesy of a practical joke by my best friend. I have been using this CV unsuccessfully for over two months. FML
Today, I babysat a four year-old kid, so his parents could go out to party. Once in bed, he yelled, "I want to go party!" After three or four times, I told him to go to sleep. Two hours later, he'd wet the bed, saying, "I told you I want to go potty!" FML
Today, I was looking for a magazine in my mother's bedside cabinet and I came across some daft test about sex. Apparently, my mother likes anal, oral, and my dad's cock is bent. Nauseous. FML
Today, I surprised my girlfriend by turning up at her flat on her 24th birthday. She got up from the couch as I entered, and I shouted, "Tonight, my cock is going to stab you twenty-four times!" (Okay, that's not smart). That's when her father glanced over from the couch and greeted me. FML
Today, it's my birthday. It's 6.30 pm. I'm still the only person aware of what day it is. FML
Today, I realised I like Britney Spears. FML
Today, I fell asleep. I felt something on my face. I batted it away. It was my hamster. It died from a concussion upon hitting the wall. FML
Today, my boyfriend handcuffed me to the bed, naked. Someone pulled the fire alarm, and my boyfriend couldn't find the key. So he left me, and the Resident Advisor found me. The fireman had to cut the chain. FML
Today, I texted my boyfriend saying "Hi." His response: "I got your best friend pregnant". FML
Today, I was talking to my parents about feeling insecure with my "beach body" as Spring Break keeps getting closer and closer. My dad warned me by saying, "Don't wear a gray swimsuit. People will try to roll you back into the ocean". FML
Today, I went bowling with my mom and she paid for 2 games. By the 6th frame of game 1 she was bored and to get her money back for both games she told the employees I shit my pants. I'm 17. FML
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