Miss Lexington, USA 34 years-old Single
Today, I came home from work. I crept up to the bedroom to gently wake up my girlfriend. I touch her shoulder and slowly leant in to give her a tender kiss. She suddenly wakes up and grabs me by the throat... I keep forgetting she's in the army. FML
Today, I caught my husband modeling my cute floral panties. All he could manage to say was "I love you." FML
Today, I received a single, hand-made Valentine's card from the weirdest kid in the school. It said, "If you ever get mauled by a bear, I hope he doesn't damage your face." FML
Today, I was half asleep and tried to cuddle my husband as we slept. Still dreaming, he yelled for me to leave his money alone. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I agreed to tell her parents that she's pregnant. When they started freaking out, instead of dealing with the situation maturely, she went into straight-up denial and said, "It's okay, I'm not the mom." FML
Today, while I was cuddling with my girlfriend, she looked at me and leaned in. Thinking she was going to kiss me, I leaned too. Just as we were about to kiss, she screamed "COW KISSES" and somehow managed to lick my eyeball. FML
Today, while looking through my wedding photos, I realised my wife had done a duck face in every single one. FML
Today, my girlfriend dragged me along to one of her family's paintball matches. Her father is a former marine, and hates my guts. He kept going well out of his way to hunt me down and pump as many rounds into me as possible without causing a scene. FML
Today, I found out the guy I've been crushing on for many years thinks he's a werewolf. FML
Today, I married the man of my dreams. While I was being driven to our wedding reception, I checked my Facebook. My husband had just updated his status to "Me and the bitch just got hitched." FML
Today, after my boyfriend broke up with me, the only thing positive about my day was a pregnancy test. FML
Today, I was browsing the web on my boyfriend's laptop, when I idly clicked a bookmark. It turned out to be his private blog, where he most recently spoke in very creepy detail about his efforts to make me love him, remarking that, "Soon, I'll plant my seed in her breeding hips." FML
Today, I had a babysitting job. When I got there, the parents were rushing out the door and told me they'd left instructions for the kids on the table. The first bullet point stated that the oldest was convinced she is possessed by the devil, but just to ignore it. Three more hours to go. FML
Today, I finally summed up the courage to break up with my abusively controlling girlfriend. I don't know what I was thinking, but instead of leaving as a free man, I left as an engaged one. FML
Today, while sitting in my Forensic Psychology class, my professor listed all of the main traits that indicate someone may very well be a sociopath. Every single trait described my fiancé perfectly. FML
Today, I found out that my colleagues had replaced my email auto-responder with a message saying, "I'm away for two weeks in Brazil. Due to the surgery, when I return, please address me by my new name: Crystal." FML
Today, I arranged a romantic dinner for my boyfriend. His favourite meal, fresh flowers, scented candles. Everything went beautifully, at least until he wrapped an arm around me and whispered, "Want some dick?" into my ear. Mood horrifically ruined. FML
Today, my house got robbed. They left a note: "Next time, we steal your souls." FML
Today, I walked into a public restroom to find that they had set up a free health clinic for the homeless; by that I mean that I found one bum inspecting and cleaning the infected, bloody genitals of another bum. FML
Today, I received a text from the guy I'm into, thanking me for helping him drunkenly stumble back to his apartment last night. He ended it with, "How long did you stay?" Apparently, he doesn't remember confessing his secret love for me, or the fantastic kiss that followed. FML
Today, I was worried about my brother because he said that his new medication was making him hallucinate. I told him he should see a doctor right away. He said it was fine and that he had already seen a doctor. I later found out the doctor he was talking about was a hallucination. FML
Today, I found out that my fellow marching band mates all refer to me as "The short girl with big tits" because none of them can remember my name. FML
Today, my wife woke me up by giving my erect penis a Chinese burn. FML
Today, I had to explain to a customer how our hotel charged his card, even though he has never stayed with us. Apparently his wife is a regular customer. I can't help but feel like a homewrecker. FML
Today, my boyfriend figured out that he can bounce small things off of my boobs, and has been doing it every time I look away. FML
Today, I was looking through my roommate's room trying to find a DVD, when I stumbled upon a bundle of pictures of me showering and sleeping. FML
Today, my mom walked in on me masturbating. She didnt look away and we stared at each other for a while; then she asked me what I wanted from McDonalds. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend gave me a surprise birthday present: herpes. FML
Today, I faked my age to win a colouring competition. I just turned 19. FML
Today, to avoid looking like a loser in front of his friends who all have girlfriends, my brother made up a perfect relationship. He asked me to give him a hickey in exchange for 50 euros. Our parents walked in on us. FML
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