beetman5

Today, after three days of getting stared at by my neighbour from the window, I realized that she wasn't alive anymore. FML

Crotch shot

Today, I got kicked in the crotch by a horse in my backyard. I don't own a horse. FML

Today, I added "a road sign" to my ever-growing list of "Things which have hit my car as a result of the wind." FML

Today, I took a poop that was three states of matter. Solid, liquid, and gas. FML

Today, I ordered a pizza. I paid and tipped the pizza guy, and instead of saying goodbye, I got tongue-tied and said, "I love you, boo." FML

Where am I?

Today, I woke up with Skittles superglued to my forehead. FML

Today, on my first day of work, I got fired after 45 minutes. FML

Today, I saw my dad sitting in the car alone, blaring classical music, blowing up beach balls. FML

Today, I ran full speed into a brick wall because I saw a tiger. On the other side of a zoo cage. FML

Great conversation starter

Today, a guy tried to seduce me by talking about incest. FML

Today, my sister is visiting. She used more toilet paper today than I have in two months. FML

The struggle is real

Today, my friend told me how depressing it is that she hasn't had sex in two weeks. I haven't had sex in 3 years. FML

Today, we found out where our daughter had been hiding her crayons. We also found out why our stereo stopped working. FML

Today, I was so bored that I began searching for videos of people popping their pimples. FML

Today, I told my mom I was going to a New Year's party. She told me to be back by midnight. FML

Today, I was pushed over and robbed in a parking lot by a man in an ugly Christmas sweater. When I looked up, I was too distracted by the sweater to even look at his face. FML

Today, my older brother burst into my bedroom at 4 am to show me photos of sushi. FML

Today, my Christmas tree was finally shipped. FML

Boo!

Today, my toaster scared me. Again. FML

Today, after a hard day on the wards as a trainee doctor, I went home and started getting frisky with my girlfriend. All I could think about was the anatomical names for what I was touching and doing. I felt physically sick. FML

Double take

Today, after sex, my boyfriend turned to me and said, "You know, sometimes, you look like Kevin Spacey." FML

Today, my parents are on holiday, which means I have the house to myself. Wild parties? Hot girls? Loads of beer? No. Flu. FML

Today, I got bored looking at porn. FML

The language of love

Today, my boyfriend told me he loves me. Instead of saying it back, I had a panic attack. FML

Today, I was breaking into a house when three police cruisers pulled up. They ran my social, my license plates, and asked me twenty minutes worth of questions, before allowing me to go back to work. I work as a locksmith; the homeowner had lost their keys. FML

Today, I got stuck in a revolving door. FML

Today, my downstairs neighbor died. I knew because the smell wafted up to my apartment. FML

Sick burn

Today, my mother used climate change as an excuse for not remembering my birthday. FML

Today, I cracked a rib coughing. FML

Today, I walked into two things. The first was a spiderweb. The second, due to blind panic, was oncoming traffic. FML