Today, when I was trying to break up with my boyfriend, I told him how I needed space and time to think. His response was, "Ok, we're out of condoms anyway." FML
Today, I came home from a four-day trip. Apparently, my cat thought I was gone for good and is now very unhappy that I'm home. I know this because she's been positioning herself between me and my husband all night, and hisses every time I try to touch him. He thinks it's hilarious. FML
Today, my gynecologist was having trouble with my exam due to me being "too tight." I'm 24. After the explanation of having been pretty inactive in over a year, she exclaimed, "Damn, girl, we really need to find you a boyfriend!" Yeah, tell me about it. FML
Today, I was walking with and hugging my girlfriend at the same time. I tried to be funny and touched her breast, saying "Boob" in a silly voice. In reply, she slapped me in the crotch, saying "Dick" in the same voice. FML
Today, while making love to my boyfriend, my sister called my cell phone. Not wanting to face the consequences of not answering, I had a long conversation with her. My boyfriend kept going. FML
Today, I'm spending the night with the guy I've been interested in for a while. Instead of sleeping in the same bed together, he insists that I sleep in another room because he "doesn't want to be tempted to do anything." So, I'm alone, in my best lingerie, in his little brother's room. FML
Today, my girlfriend's parents walked in on us having sex. Not only did her dad make me walk out to my truck with no clothes on, he is my baseball coach and I will be seeing him on Monday. FML
Today, I threw up when I woke up, feeling quite ill, I told my mum. She instantly thought I was pregnant. I'm still a virgin and she doesn't believe me. FML
Today, I told a cashier I always bullshit with that I was getting a new tattoo. She shook her head and said, "Honey, don't get a tattoo. You'll look like a whore." I already have five. FML
Today, my wife created a "Points Reward" system for the privilege of sex. 10 points for doing the dishes, 20 for the laundry, etc. How many points do I need before I can have sex with her? 2300. FML
Today, I walked into the laundry room when my mom pulled a condom wrapper out of my pants pocket. She looked at me and said, "You know you can't wash and reuse these?" FML
Today, my mom told my abusive ex-boyfriend, whom I broke up with 5 days ago, that he is always welcome at my house. She "misses him". FML
Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that fist pumping during sex is not romantic. FML
Today, as I passed my fiancé the pancakes I had just made, he vocalised his happiness with a groan that was EXACTLY like the one he makes when we have sex. So on a sexiness rating, I'm a pancake. FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed to me by tossing the ring at me and saying "Here, wear this." FML
Today, my ex girlfriend is sleeping over at my house. At some point while she was preparing to dump me, she became best friends with my sister. FML
Today, my mother said I'm slipping too deep into depression since my boyfriend left for college in Fresno. Her solution? Buying me a vibrator. FML
Today, I received numerous text messages from my parents asking where I was and how worried they are. I was in my room, they didn't even notice me walk in. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I went out on his boat. We got in the water and started to have sex when a fishing boat came by and chummed. There's nothing more romantic than bloody fish guts. FML
Today, I got married. My booze-hound mother made a toast, and told a story about how she once walked in on us having sex. My husband's family is very religious, and we told them we weren't having sex until marriage. Thanks mom. FML
Today, I wrote the girl I love a long, gushy letter to convince her to be with me instead of her abusive ex. Later on, I asked her what she thought. She said she can't read cursive. She chose the ex. FML
Today, my boyfriend texted me, saying, "I'm running a bath. Wanna come over and learn about water displacement?" I excitedly drove over, thinking he wanted to have some fun. No, he really did want to teach me about water displacement. FML
Today, while getting pretty intimate with my newlywed wife in the car, a cop turned his lights on. As he was walking up, I was trying to get my pants back on but they wouldn't fit over my knees. The cop just laughed and walked away. Turns out my wife had my pants on and I was trying to put hers on. FML
Today, I purposely misspelled words while texting my boyfriend so he would think I was out partying and having a life. FML
Today, I finally confronted my boyfriend and asked him if he was cheating on me. He got flustered and said, "Technically, I'm cheating with you, not on you." FML
Today, my boyfriend got a new tattoo. It was a big tattoo of Pikachu on his hip. I told him now I'd feel like I was having sex with an 8-year-old boy. His defense? "No, no, think of it as having sex with Pikachu!" He still refuses to understand why that's weird. FML
Today, I was playing with my vibrator. I was getting close when all of a sudden it short-circuited and made a sound like a laughing clown, scaring me half to death. FML
Today, I was working the cash register. While helping a customer with her groceries, my bra snapped. I then had to ask my male boss if I could staple it back together. Thirty minutes later it snapped again. I then had to explain to my boss that I was too broke to buy a new one. FML
Today, I was out apartment hunting with my boyfriend. We visited a marvelous place that ticked all the boxes on our requirement checklist, but my boyfriend was unenthused. There was just one small detail that I hadn’t factored in: it's very badly located if ever zombies attack. FML
Today, I was playing some CoD online, when I realised I'd started humming an annoyingly catchy Bieber tune. Before I could come to my senses and pull out my mic, a bunch of my teammates started sarcastically singing along. FML
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