magmagana

Today, my boss got a promotion and I got laid off. FML

Today, I found out my mom paid my best friend $20 to be my friend when we were 10. FML

Emergency

Today, my dad decided to take his medicine before eating. He passed out with his face in a plate of chocolate cake. He wasn't responsive so I called the paramedics. When he got to the hospital, the doctor asked him if he knew why he was there. He replied, "Because my stupid daughter overreacted." FML

Today, I tried convincing my Valentine-hating boyfriend to send me a card, by explaining how important it is to me. He finally agreed and sent me a card. I opened it up, and it wished me 'harmony and well-being on Lupercalia'. What is Lupercalia? It's an ancient Roman festival where men run down the street naked, whipping people with goat skins to encourage fertility. FML

Today, I was walking with my girlfriend of a year and a half on the beach. Everything was fine until she saw a plane with a banner behind it saying "Cassie, will you marry me?" She said yes. I didn't order a plane. FML

Today, my dad decided that my diploma makes a good pen-tester. FML

Hi there!

Today, I was showing a house to a couple who were interested in buying. At least they "were" interested until they opened the blinds, looked out of the bedroom window and saw the neighbor on the toilet taking a dump. He was naked. He was hairy. He smiled and waved. FML

Today, I witnessed a series of nude old people cycling in the city. I was eating. FML

Today, I told my new boss to wish his daughter a happy birthday on my behalf, as I overheard him saying it was today. Turns out she committed suicide three years ago. FML

Today, my boyfriend let me know he wanted me to leave by repeatedly jabbing me with my car keys. FML

Be warned

Today, I was babysitting a three-year-old. She asked me what was wrong with my belly. I had to explain to her that I'm just fat. Twice. FML

Today, my step dad stole over $400 worth of savings from me. He spent it on alcohol, fireworks, and a very large sombrero. FML

10 out of 10 for originality

Today, my neighbor declared his love for me via "the medium of interpretative dance." FML

Today, my older brother burst into my bedroom at 4 am to show me photos of sushi. FML

Get out of here

Today, my girlfriend hated the idea of sex so much she was willing to give me money for a stripper. FML

Today, I accidentally moaned my own name during sex. FML

Today, my boyfriend informed me that my vagina reminds him of ham. But that's okay, because ham is his favorite food. FML

Today, my therapist told me, "I'm sorry, but I'm not qualified to handle your level of instability." FML

Been there, done that

Today, I accidentally called my teacher "Babe." FML

Today, it was my wedding day. Midway through the ceremony, my visibly drunk uncle stood up and denounced the minister for "preaching yer god shite where it weren't never be welcome". FML

Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. Let's just say pubes and toilet paper residue were the least of my problems. FML

Today, the magic of witnessing a sheep giving birth was ruined for me when I slipped and fell in the puddle of birth fluids. FML

Today, I realized that something's wrong when you have to go to a mental hospital for a family reunion. FML

Mystery pooch

Today, while at work, I found a dead dog in a freezer. Turns out it's been in there for over 3 years. FML

Today, I actually used Febreze as a substitute for deodorant. FML

Today, I woke up super glued to the toilet. FML

Today, I caught myself staring at my grandmother's cleavage. FML

Today, things were getting heated between me and the guy I like, and we were about to have sex. I told him to turn the TV off so we can get started. His response? "But I like this show." FML

Today, I realized the reason my 20-year-old daughter has been so moody and aggressive is because she missed the promotional My Little Pony toys at McDonald's. FML

Today, I got mugged at Disney World, the happiest place on Earth. FML