Today, I superglued my headphones back together. They weren't dry before I put them back in my ears. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that he gets the same amount of entertainment out of tickling me and having sex with me, and he likes the tickling noises better. FML
Today, was my uncle's funeral. He was cremated, and his wish was to have his ashes spread into the sea. As we were waiting for the waves to come and take him away, a group of seagulls came by picking at all his ashes. I guess he tasted good. FML
Today, I went over to my boyfriend's house to break up with him. After I left his house, I realized that my cell phone had fallen out of my pocket and onto his couch, where I had forgotten it. FML
Today, I learned to never shave your downstairs when you have the hiccups. FML
Today, I was having sex with a really hot guy, when suddenly he pulled out and told me that "he had another fat chick meeting him in twenty minutes." FML
Today, my grandmother died. No one called me to let me know she passed. I found out because people kept writing RIP on her Facebook wall. My siblings and I weren't even mentioned in her obituary with the other grandchildren, but they did remember to mention her dog. FML
Today, I injured my knee and dislocated my shoulder fighting over a cookie with my brother. He's 14. I'm 26. He still got the cookie. FML
Today, my external hard drive broke. My husband tried to fix it, and the computer told him he needed to format it. Apparently he didn't know what formatting does, so he did it. I'm a wedding photographer and had a full summer of unfinished wedding photography on there. FML
Today, I walked in on my mom's boyfriend jacking off. The worst part was that he didn't stop. FML
Today, I was at work and was confronted by a customer wanting to get a "Nemo" fish. I explained that 'Nemo' needs to live in saltwater, not freshwater, like their tank was. The customer then turns around and grabs a perforated tank divider and says, "Can't I just split them up with this?" FML
Today, after a few months of my neighbor's friend parking outside his house and honking until he came outside, I happened to be out doing lawn work. I politely screamed, "STOP HONKING YOUR F***ING HORN!" To which they responded by moving in front of MY house and holding down their horn. I hate people. FML
Today, at dinner, my grandmother informed us that my cousin's newborn baby has been having seizures. My verbal filter did not switch on in time and I replied, "It's not a seizure if you're shaking it." FML
Today, I met my fiancée's parents for the first time. Her dad was telling me how he's not rich but not poor either. I replied, "Well, as long as you're not a garbage man!" Guess what his profession is. FML
Today, I found out why I had been waking up feeling like crap for the past week. I found tufts of cat fur in my pillow case, and I am allergic to cats. My little brother thought I would get so sick, and he could have my XBox. FML
Today, I was asked to crawl through a sunroof because one of my coworkers locked her keys in her car. After I got the keys, instead of opening the car door, I climbed back out through the sunroof. To laughter. FML
Today, I got into my car and realised that my CDs were no longer in my glove box. According to the police, the random key code for my car type has been cracked, and thieves can now let themselves in whenever they want. The manufacturer says they can't do anything about it. FML
Today, I had some girlfriends over, while my parents were having a party at our house. My drunken dad decided to come down to the basement and show us all his third nipple. FML
Today, I finally got everything in order to ask out the girl of my dreams. I bought her a gold necklace, engraved with our names, and with the date on the back. Everything was going great until she got sick and had to go home. Now I'm stuck with this necklace with the wrong date. FML
Today, I was on an airplane, riding in first class for the first time in my life. The man next to me turned to me just before takeoff, stared at my chest, and said that he hoped there would be severe turbulence. FML
Today, the guy I like recommended I buy this computer game. Wanting to impress him, I agreed. Turns out it was a joke. I am now the proud owner of Microsoft Train Simulator 2005, and he can't stop laughing. FML
Today, my ex-boyfriend asked how long he'd have to wait until he could ask out my best friend. We broke up yesterday. FML
Today, my dad found the ugliest picture my mom has ever taken. I show it to her laughing. She said it looks like me. I looked again and it kind of does. FML
Today, I realized I was happy because we finally started having friends come visit us after months of not having company. I also realized that our secret stash of money was stolen last night while we had company. FML
Today, I allowed my friend to practice driving in my car. As she began to let the car roll forward, she looked at me and very seriously asked, "Brakes is the right pedal, right?" FML
Today, my boyfriend of three months told me that he had cheated on me two months ago with my best friend. I decided to give him a second chance. About twenty minutes later, he then broke up with me for not wanting to watch football. Apparently I don't care about his feelings. FML
Today, my girlfriend came over to me, like she was going to kiss me, and instead rubbed her chin all over my face, exclaiming, "Can you feel my beard coming in?" Yes, yes I could. FML
Today, I went to my first day of work in over 2 years. As I approached the boss, he asked me what my name was. Turned out they hired the wrong person. FML
Today, one of my coworkers called to remind me about the annual costume day at work this morning. I dressed as Pocahontas. There is no annual costume day. I was fired for dressing inappropriately in front of customers. FML
Today, I felt really depressed so I decided to go to McDonald's, get a sundae and cheer myself up. I got pulled over by the cops on the way, and was given a ticket for an expired registration. McDonald's was closed. FML
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