alpal264

Hot boy summer

Today, I cut my penis on a desk fan. FML

Today, like every day since my birth, my name is Spreme. Yeah, you probably have trouble pronouncing it correctly too. FML

Today, the handle in the port-a-potty broke off, with me inside. FML

How do I put it?

Today, my daughter asked me how to spell "Orange". "O-R-A-N-G-E," I replied. Without missing a beat, she says, "No, I mean the colour, not the fruit." She's 16. FML

Today, I got home late to find my dad outside mowing the lawn in the dark. I told him the neighbors were going to think he lost his marbles for mowing it at that time. He then informed me he wasn't mowing it, he was vacuuming it. FML

Laundry day

Today, it was laundry day. After my fifth and final load, I noticed I never added any laundry detergent. FML

Today, I have two black eyes. The first one I got from the girl whose ass I mistakenly grabbed at a party last night. The other one I got from my girlfriend when I explained the first one. FML

Today, I bought weed for the first time. The dealer was an undercover cop. FML

Today, I found an old jock strap in my tuba. FML

Today, my son asked me where babies come from. I told him, "From god." He came back with, "Daddy said it was from fucking." FML

Today, I moved to California. Too bad the rest of my belongings didn't. FML

New experience

Today, I learned how hard it is to remove peanut butter from your own eye. FML

Today, my boyfriend went and bought Skyrim, Modern Warfare 3 and renewed his WoW subscription. Looks like I won't be getting laid for a month or two. FML

Today, I failed my driving test before even leaving the DMV parking lot. FML

Today, I brought my girlfriend over to her first dinner with my family. My gramps spent the entire dinner telling my girlfriend how the Illuminati are plotting to take over the world and use microchips to control everyone. So much for being taken seriously now. FML

Today, my mother looked me dead in the face and said, "I have failed as a parent." FML

Today, I was caught stealing a video game. I realized after my parents were called that the case was actually empty. FML

Today, my 11 year-old sister unfriended me on Facebook because I'm not "cool enough" to be seen on her profile. FML

Candy Andy

Today, I was so hungry that I literally stole candy from a baby. FML

Today, I had a dream that I was trying to pop a balloon. Nothing I did was working, so I put it between my knees and tried to pop it that way. Immediately, I woke up to the sound of frantic hissing and meowing. As it turns out, I was trying to pop the cat. FML

Today, I found Jesus. The bad news, he was in the form of a concrete statue falling on my car. FML

Today, my gynecologist told me that the ecosystem in my vagina is unbalanced, and that I have to do some reconstruction. Uhm what? FML

Mr Rogers

Today, my dad got drunk and thought it would be a great idea to clean up the yard by dumping gasoline all over the leaves and lighting our entire front yard on fire. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me that if I ever cheated on him, he'll chop my body up and dispose of all the parts, but keep my boobies, because he likes them. FML

Today, I got trapped in an elevator with a chicken. FML

Today, while working at my local supermarket, a customer threw a turkey at me because we "should have bigger ones." FML

Today, I chipped a tooth trying to solve a Rubik's Cube. FML

Today, I was woken up at 6am to the sound of my mother on the back deck of the house hooting like an owl. FML

Today, I found out my parents have a list of everything I have ever Googled. FML

Today, I found out my boyfriend is cheating on me with a woman twice my age. I'm 32. FML