West Covina, United States 34 years-old Single
Today, I went out for New Year's. When I got back, I found my house had been broken into. I found a note saying, "Happy New Year, sucker." FML
Today, I found out that my beautiful engagement ring is a remake of the late Princess Diana's engagement ring. I also found out my fiancé bought it from an infomercial, for $19.95. FML
Today, I found out that the girl who my high school boyfriend cheated on me with is now the woman my husband is having an affair with. FML
Today, my drunken father decided to walk my quiet street naked. FML
Today, I woke up to my new roommate staring at me, just a few inches from my face. She then told me how easy I would be to kill in my sleep. Then she stood up, naked from head to toe. FML
Today, I got banned on Club Penguin because I said "shit" while I was in a fight with another penguin about whose igloo is cooler. Shouldn't I have better things to do on a Friday night? FML
Today, my cat tried to kill me. While I was sleeping, he put his paws on either side of my face and laid down, covering my nose and mouth. While I was struggling to free myself, I could hear my sister laughing next to me. FML
Today, I found out that the mysterious smell from under my bed was my cats collection of dead mice. FML
Today, it's official, we measured. My boyfriend's manboobs are bigger than my breasts. FML
Today, I found a dead squirrel under my son's bed. Apparently, he has been keeping it there as a "pet" for the past week. FML
Today, my bird learned to mimic my fire alarm. It proved it to me at 3 am. FML
Today, I discovered my cat frequently licks my toothbrush. FML
Today, I was in the emergency room. The doctor told me that my injuries and back problems are the intensity of those after a car accident. I slipped on a grape. FML
Today, my grandpa who is staying with us mistook me for a Japanese soldier and started to hit me with a bat. This is the second night in a row. FML
Today, I actually heard my 14 year-old son muse to himself, "If I can drive drunk in Grand Theft Auto, how hard could it be in real life?" FML
Today, after weeks of money slowly disappearing from the stash in my bedroom, I confronted my son about it. I'm not sure which is worse: that my son is a thief or that he actually blamed his father for it. We've been divorced and haven't spoken for eight years. FML
Today, after I moved into my college dorm three days ago, my roommate is still convinced that she is a cat. FML
Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to give his mother a box of chocolates and flowers for Mother's Day. She just stared at them and said, "What's this for? You're not my daughter, and never will be. But I'll keep the chocolate." FML
Today, I learned that chivalry truly is dead when a seemingly fit man pushed me into a door to get a seat on the train before me. My leg is in a cast. FML
Today, I learned what a nail gun shooting my leg feels like. FML
Today, I puked up a centipede. FML
Today, I realized I have more dogs than I do friends. I have two dogs. FML
Today, I woke up so pissed off that I yelled at my cereal. FML
Today, I found out I was born as a result of someone switching my mom's birth control pills with Tic Tacs. FML
Today, as I was filling out divorce paperwork, I realized that my son has had the same girlfriend through both of my marriages. He's 17. FML
Today, as a prank, a friend and I tied a 10 dollar bill to a fishing line, and yanked it away from people as they reached for it. It was going really well until one of our victims pulled a knife and chased us around the block. FML
Today, I was called by my son's school to pick him up. Apparently, he snorted baking soda, crushed aspirin, and flour because he thought it was coke. Where did I go wrong raising this twerp? FML
Today, I found out that my neighbors' 9 year old son has been the one taking a shit on my doorstep everyday. Why? Because Cartman from South Park said that if you keep doing it, the person in the house will move. FML
Today, I learned the hard way that an ice cube is capable of ripping the skin off your bottom lip. FML
Today, I purposely went offline on Facebook chat, just so people would think I actually have a life. FML
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