West Covina, United States 34 years-old Single
Today, I got a call from my five-year-old son's principal. My son had pooped in the schoolyard, then gave the teacher a Ziploc bag, and commanded her to pick it up. He said he was trying to imitate our dog. FML
Today, I have a new boss. She claims to be a professional Angry Birds player. FML
Today, my friend told me that her favourite aunt died last night of a heart attack. The first thing I could think of to say was, "Oh no, is she okay?" FML
Today, as I was walking back inside I noticed my mop leaning on the wall next to my door. I picked it up and started slow dancing with it, imagining it was the girl I'm in love with. I didn't notice my neighbours bunched up at their window laughing. FML
Today, I wore a Super Mario Brothers T-shirt to school that showed a picture of Mario with a mushroom above his head. I got suspended for "referencing illegal drugs". FML
Today, my boss's cat died. I'm expected to attend the service. FML
Today, I found out that as a supervisor, if you reprimand a female worker and end the conversation with, "Now get back to making sandwiches," your boss will consider it sexism and suspend you. I work at Subway. FML
Today, my father decided to "prepare" me for the real world by telling me that I'm ugly. FML
Today, I had to explain to my little brother that my tampons weren't ear plugs. FML
Today, my professor spent the entire class showing us how to make paper airplanes. I pay over 40 grand a year for college. FML
Today, I spent a full hour working on my British accent. FML
Today, my daughter told me that my head is shaped like a kidney bean and that I'm lucky she even talks to me in public. She's 6. FML
Today, my boyfriend admitted that he stopped brushing his teeth two days after we started dating. Tomorrow is our 2 year anniversary. FML
Today, my mom took me to a counselor because of my addiction to watermelon. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for 3 years. She's pregnant. I'm a virgin. FML
Today, my husband decided he needs to be thanked after every time he changes our daughter's diaper; if not he throws a temper tantrum. Now I have two babies to deal with. FML
Today, my step dad stole over $400 worth of savings from me. He spent it on alcohol, fireworks, and a very large sombrero. FML
Today, my neighbor finally cut the grass on his front lawn. At 2 in the morning. FML
Today, I killed a centipede. Now every little itch I feel, I think it's the centipede's spirit coming back to haunt me. FML
Today, after babysitting, the parents actually tried to pay me in Trident Layers Gum. FML
Today, I burned my tongue. With a flat iron. FML
Today, my boyfriend wrote me a break-up letter, using Comic Sans. FML
Today, I found my husband Googling Morse Code. He thinks his farts are trying to communicate with him. FML
Today, I finally found out that the tattoo on my lower back means "slut" in Chinese, instead of "good fortune" as I always thought it did. FML
Today, it was my first day on the job as a first grade teacher. One student pushed another, so I asked him to apologize. His response? "If you boss me around, I'll tell Daddy you touched me somewhere you shouldn't have." I think I'm now this kid's slave. FML
Today, I realized the closest thing I have to a love life is organizing my porn folder by category. FML
Today, my girlfriend will only speak to me using Lady Gaga lyrics. FML
Today, my daughter turned Emo. FML
Today, my husband went in for surgery and handed me an important document. It wasn't a will or anything similar, but a list of items and gold he wanted passed on to guild members on World of Warcraft. FML
Today, I lied to my diary about getting laid. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thank you, your FML was submitted, and will appear the moderation soon!
