Single
Today, I was denied a waitressing job at a local diner I have been going to for years. Due to the fact that my name is Julia. They already have a waitress there named Julie. Apparently, I would "create too much confusion." FML
Today, for the first time, I beat my brother in a game of CoD. Not being a gamer, I was ecstatic. Later, when I was in the shower, my brother snuck in the bathroom, yelled "Napalm strike!" and threw our cat over the shower curtain like a furry grenade from hell. FML
Today, I was chaperoning at my local high school's Homecoming dance. Outside the gym, I saw some kids drinking, so I walked over to stop them. One of them promptly spun around and punched me in the mouth. I had my ass handed to by a drunk 9th grader. FML
Today, I got mugged by a guy who was threatening me with a stapler. FML
Today, I got kicked in the crotch by a horse in my backyard. I don't own a horse. FML
Today, I went to a concert. Being 6'5" was a great advantage because I could see the stage from wherever I was stood. On the downside, I was used by people as a meeting point. FML
Today, I was bitched out by a pizza delivery man. I didn't have the cash to pay him for a pizza I didn't even order. FML
Today, while riding back from a weekend away with my boyfriend, we crashed his motorbike, resulting in us getting thrown over a barbed wire fence into a forest. I woke up in hospital. Apparently, in his adrenaline rush, he climbed back on his bike and continued his trip, forgetting all about me. FML
Today, feeling out of shape, I went for a jog. I got mugged. FML
Today, a hobo threw up on my car while at a red light. He then asked me for money. FML
Today, my grandma seemingly decided that it was a really nice day to put my cat in the dryer. FML
Today, I told a customer that we don't do refunds. He responded by throwing his wallet at my face and accusing me of stealing it. FML
Today, I had just finished up at work. I was standing on a street corner, waiting to cross to get to my car on the other side. I had three people pull up beside me and ask me how much I charged. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having dinner with my family. He killed a bug and ate it. FML
Today, I got mugged at Disney World, the happiest place on Earth. FML
Today, I got whiplash from sneezing. FML
Today, it was snowing, and the campus looked just lovely. I sat on a nearby window ledge to enjoy the view. I was joined by a girl who looked fascinated as well, so I decided to make small talk. She nodded, smiled wistfully, and said, "There's herpes in the air today." FML
Today, at a concert, I got into a fight with a man in a banana suit. FML
Today, I brought my 90-year-old grandfather into school for a project that required to bring in "a first-hand account" of the Great Depression. He started off by telling the class how in his day, they "threw rocks at black people." FML
Today, I had a babysitting job. When I got there, the parents were rushing out the door and told me they'd left instructions for the kids on the table. The first bullet point stated that the oldest was convinced she is possessed by the devil, but just to ignore it. Three more hours to go. FML
Today, a hobo shook me down for money on the street. He's my brother, who incidentally ran away from home over two years ago. FML
Today, my waiter turned to me and asked, "Let me guess, Miss I'm-not-fat-I'm-fluffy wants a Diet Coke?" FML
Today, I got mugged in broad daylight, in a park, by a teenage girl. To top it off, I'm a grown man. FML
Today, my mother screamed at my brother for ages for playing a Nicki Minaj music video. She said it's "terrible, demonic garbage" that'll get us "spitroasted in Hell". I don't even disagree with the first part, but she does this kind of thing every single day when I get home from my night job. FML
Today, I was mugged. Not for a laptop, cell phone or money, but for the cupcake I was eating. FML
Today, I was walking home from work, when a clearly homeless guy who smelled like Jimmy Hoffa's colon grabbed me, pinned me to a wall, and demanded that I hand over my "booty". I don't know whether or not I was mugged by Jack Sparrow, but either way, he's now over £100 richer. FML
Today, a coworker informed me that she thinks I may be descended from a race of goblins, because of my squat stature, ugly face and hairy arms. She was being completely serious. FML
Today, I was fired from my job. My boss turned to everyone and said, "Allow me to escort this trash out of the office." Everyone cheered. FML
Today, I realized why my sister refuses to let me clean her side of the room. She's secretly been trying to revive dead ants. FML
Today, my fully grown, 90-pound German Shepherd sniffed and wagged his tail as a guy mugged me. FML
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