richmond, USA
Today, my wife stabbed my hand with a fork, making it bleed. I'd only tried to take some fries from her plate. FML
Today, I found out who my randomly assigned roommate was. Out of 10,000+ people, I just happen to get assigned a girl who threatened to kill me. FML
Today, it's my birthday. I was heading back to my apartment and I heard noises behind the front door. Assuming it was the surprise party I'd hinted at, I flicked on the lights… as two heavy guys pushed past me. I was robbed. FML
Today, I brought my 90-year-old grandfather into school for a project that required to bring in "a first-hand account" of the Great Depression. He started off by telling the class how in his day, they "threw rocks at black people." FML
Today, while sitting at a red light, I guiltily nibbled on a chocolate bar and looked around to make sure no one saw me cheating on my diet. A police car pulled up, I panicked, stepped on the gas, and ran the light. FML
Today, my fiancé got drunk at our wedding reception and announced to his and my family what we do in bed. And it was pretty detailed. FML
Today, it was my wedding day. The best part was when we were taking photos and I threw up on my dress. At least the pictures were outside. FML
Today, I finally got the girl of my dreams to come over for a movie. When I answered the door, my little brother ran up behind me, yelled, "Geronimo!" and pulled down my pants and underwear. FML
Today, I got fired from my job at a weight-loss center because I was too skinny, and apparently it's too depressing for the customers to handle. FML
Today, I realised that I've been deployed for far too long, when I caught myself looking down the cleavage of a mannequin wearing a bathing suit. FML
Today, my eight-year-old son thought that if he swallowed soap, his farts would smell like soap. The smell of vomit and diarrhea now permeating my house is proof of how wrong he was. FML
Today, there was a knock on my apartment door. It was the man from next-door, who sarcastically asked if I was alright, because he said he heard me screaming in agony. I was singing. FML
Today, my friends switched my mom and my girlfriend's numbers in my phone. I sexted my mom. FML
Today, at work, my friend dared me to answer the next call on my phone by saying, "This is your local sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it." I did it. The person on the phone was my boss. FML
Today, my friends were coming to pick me up from volleyball practice. When their car pulled up, I jumped in. It was really quiet, so I looked up, only to find I had gotten in the wrong car. FML
Today, my grandmother was driving me to the mall. Suddenly, she stopped in the middle of the road. When I asked her what exactly she was doing, she said, "Oh, am I driving?" FML
Today, I texted my friend and asked her what her sad status on Facebook was about. She texted me back, saying her step-mother had passed away. I tried to reply with "awwh" but my phone autocorrected it to "ahaha." FML
Today, I told my mom I was going out to hang out with some friends. She looked me dead in the eye and said, "Don't lie to me." FML
Today, I walked in on my mother stroking my cat and murmuring, "Don't worry, kitty. One day, you and I... we will rule." FML
Today, I realized just how much of a bitch I am when I grounded my son for not telling me what he got me for my birthday. FML
Today, I saw my girlfriend walking hand-in-hand down the street with another man. When I confronted her, she claimed she had no idea who I was, and the guy told me to beat it. Later on, she returned to our apartment and actually tried to act as if nothing had happened. FML
Today, I discovered my cat's favorite hobby: sitting butthole-first on my favorite makeup brush. FML
Today, as I was getting ready to go to the midnight premiere of the new Spiderman movie, I was actually bitten by a spider. He gets super powers and a hot girl, I swell up like a balloon and get to spend the night in the hospital. FML
Today, I walked in on my boyfriend and sister fooling around in the shower together. Supposedly, she was sleepwalking, and he was trying to wake her up. FML
Today, I nailed every single move in my routine at a gymnastics competition. I then finished off with a perfect split, letting out a fart loud enough to wake up a kid in China. FML
Today, my fiancé's grandmother kept trying to introduce him to this "simply absolutely amazing girl," who she thought "would be just the perfect date" for him. At our engagement party. FML
Today, I sold yet another £100 bottle of lotion to a stuck-up teenage fashionista with less brain-power than the yapping bastard of a dog she carried in her arms. She did nothing but brag the whole time about her jewelry, and openly mocked me for only making minimum wage. FML
Today, my mother screamed at my brother for ages for playing a Nicki Minaj music video. She said it's "terrible, demonic garbage" that'll get us "spitroasted in Hell". I don't even disagree with the first part, but she does this kind of thing every single day when I get home from my night job. FML
Today, my mom came over to me and whispered something in my ear. I didn't hear it and assumed it was a joke, so I started laughing. Turns out my aunt died. FML
Today, I got home from the hospital after I burned my hand. Why? I dropped my phone in the pot while stirring hot soup, and I reached in to get it. FML
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