Today, my friends were coming to pick me up from volleyball practice....

By HorcruxDelight73 - 26/5/2012 23:00 - United States - Lakewood

Today, my friends were coming to pick me up from volleyball practice. When their car pulled up, I jumped in. It was really quiet, so I looked up, only to find I had gotten in the wrong car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25283

You deserved it

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HorcruxDelight73 tells us more :

This was actually my FML, everyone. No, it wasn't a pedophile, THANK GOD. It was a couple, and they said "Umm...can we help you?" and I was like, "Sorry! I thought you were my friends!" Then got out awkwardly. They had the same car. It wasn't my fault.

Miscellaneous

Social distancing gone wrong

Fashion Police

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

By Harry - 29/11/2009 22:53 - United States

Today, I went hiking with my friend. We both had to pee really bad. We went to the edge of a cliff to "relieve ourselves". He peed and it came and hit me in the face, he did it on purpose. So, I decided to get him back and peed at him. The wind changed direction and hit me in the face again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17446

You deserved it

43798

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By prego - 30/4/2009 02:03 - United States

Today, I called my mom into my room to ask her to bring me something. She reffered to me as a "lazy fat slug." I'm 38 weeks pregnant and was put on emergancy bedrest by my doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

69509

You deserved it

4840

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2013 19:16 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I got stuck in an elevator for well over an hour while riding it up to my weight and fitness class. Very funny, universe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40944

You deserved it

9437

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By Jimmy - 2/8/2019 12:00 - Australia

Today, my friend and I were playing football in the street, when out of nowhere a skinhead sucker-punched me in the gut, grabbed my football, and ran away, giggling like a maniac. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1327

You deserved it

111

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By Alittlebitiffy - 7/11/2016 13:51 - Australia

Today, I spent an hour pulling poop-covered prickles out of my husky's butt. A duck had startled him while he was doing his business and his first thought was to run, mid-poop, into a prickle bush. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10117

You deserved it

696

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By kikinemo - 16/1/2010 21:05 - United States

Today, I was telling my cousin about my boyfriend, who plays guitar and sings very well, has dark hair, and wears girl pants. After telling her these things, she's quiet for a moment before she looks at me and says, "So... You're dating a Jonas brother?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

10910

You deserved it

43535

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By Stoodup - 26/3/2019 12:00

Today I spent an hour getting ready for my first date of the year, only to wait 30 min in the cold and then walking back home by myself. Why didn’t he show up? On his way to the date he got invited for a threesome and decided to do that instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2205

You deserved it

198

Favorite

By tehaustiebear - 3/10/2012 22:03 - United States - San Diego

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house to play Twister. Her parents watched us the whole time, making sure we didn't touch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28610

You deserved it

2716

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By oops1234 - 16/4/2009 14:38 - United States

Today, I discovered that I had left my sunroof open all night during a storm and my front seats was soaked. I grabbed a towel for my seat but didn't close my sunroof because it was nice out. As I pull out of my driveway, I felt something wet hit my forehead. A bird shit on me through my sunroof. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62361

You deserved it

17385

Favorite

By Waheyyy - 7/9/2009 19:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I was arguing with my dad. I called him a geriatric fool. He replied with, "Well at least I know who my biological father is." I have no idea if he's joking. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56064

You deserved it

7963

Favorite

By uglyallover - 20/9/2009 14:42 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were playing a game where you ask sexual questions and you have to give an honest answer. At one point, I asked my boyfriend what his favorite position is, to which he quickly answered with no hesitation, "Any one where I don't have to see your face or body." FML

I agree, your life sucks

31134

You deserved it

4405

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By Lexxiluvstwat - 15/5/2018 20:30

Today, I was written up at work and sent home 20 minutes into my shift. My boss thought I was under the influence of something, but it’s really just the first time I’ve come to work with no makeup on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4386

You deserved it

339

Favorite

By sofakingweetodit - 18/10/2010 11:52 - United States

Today, I was shopping for pillows at Bed Bath and Beyond. My husband playfully picked up a pillow pretending to start a pillow fight. I grabbed the largest pillow and chased him with it. When I finally caught up with him, a manager came around the corner. I was escorted out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11621

You deserved it

34602

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By royallymessedup - 21/8/2014 16:36

Today, some random bloke introduced himself at a bar by asking to fuck me. I got tongue-tied trying to say both "fuck off" and "please go away". I ended up telling him to "Please fuck away." FML

I agree, your life sucks

42533

You deserved it

7756

Favorite

By dammed - 27/1/2009 19:41 - United States

Today, I got a text from my roommate asking me if it was cool that my ex was coming over to console him because he's sick. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25908

You deserved it

2109

Favorite

By bruised - 11/4/2016 07:26 - United States - Novi

Today, I lay in bed reflecting on my fiancé's complaint about my lack of displays of affection. I felt terrible, so I rolled over and hugged him in his sleep. He's a fully trained martial artist and his immediate reaction was to try to snap my neck. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23680

You deserved it

3007

Favorite

By Anonymous - 8/4/2011 05:11 - United States

Today, I brought my own thermos of coffee on the train with me, the kind that flips open to uncover the mouth part. I take a few swigs and notice a cute boy nervously smiling at me. Suddenly, I feel something drip down my nose. The flip part was leaving drops of coffee all over my forehead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25619

You deserved it

6234

Favorite

By Notaplacetogo - 17/2/2013 06:45 - United States - Walnut Creek

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend taking pictures of his penis in a condom. When I asked him what the hell he was doing he told me that he was making a stop-motion film called "All Dressed Up with Nowhere to go." FML

I agree, your life sucks

44510

You deserved it

10049

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2015 12:34 - United States - Arlington Heights

Today, I was telling my dad how my boyfriend dumped me yesterday. He responded by blowing his nose into his hand, wiping it in my hair, then saying "There, a REAL problem to whine about." FML

I agree, your life sucks

26044

You deserved it

2854

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2020 05:08

Targeted

Today, I woke up and went down to my apartment's underground garage/laundry area to do my laundry and noticed my family's car in the back of the lot, as far away from the garage door as can be, had been broken into. The other, more expensive cars around the garage were untouched. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1335

You deserved it

Favorite

By orangechicken - 16/4/2012 22:00 - United States - New Hudson

Today, I found out that my daughter has been watching Supernatural and The X-Files so she'll fit in better at school. I'm not even angry that she's suddenly a brain-dead conformist, it's just that she now has nightmares all the time and insists on sleeping in my bed. She's a kicker. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24758

You deserved it

5844

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2011 05:30 - United States

Today, I was sitting in my room while my mom was talking to my uncle. I had my door open. She said "Yeah my son doesn't know I have his phone password. Girls nowadays are real sluts." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32497

You deserved it

8811

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2019 16:00

Venus in Furs

Today, my boyfriend asked my dad why he gave me the nickname "Bear," which he has called me since I was very little. My dad responded, "Because she has a hairy back." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1476

You deserved it

125

Favorite

By TingBarter - 9/7/2009 15:00 - United States

Today, I heard a student in the class I assist having trouble with a download. I walked over and showed him how to save to his flash drive, and how to use 7z to unzip said file. I then found out I'd just assisted him in downloading a half gig of porn during class. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44713

You deserved it

9512

Favorite

By anlhawks - 10/9/2010 04:02 - United States

Today, I bought my boyfriend two concert tickets (of our favorite band) for his birthday. I was expecting him to bring me since I gave them to him and I like the band too. He said, "Sweet, thanks, I'll call my friend now and see if he wants to go. Think you could give us a ride?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

38931

You deserved it

5986

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By snoozlagist - 30/10/2010 04:52 - United States

Today, while on the bus, I began to fall asleep. Suddenly, a man next to me started laughing very loudly, scaring me and jolting me out from my nap. I was so scared, I reflexively punched the girl in front of me in the face. I was pinned down by three other men while the cops were called. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28391

You deserved it

10319

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2011 04:11 - United States

Today, I discovered my sister has a crystal meth problem when she set fire to our house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38175

You deserved it

2609

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By graveyard-sh*t - 29/10/2019 14:00

Oh, hi Sharon!

Today, my psycho ex-girlfriend showed up at my new job to, "Keep an eye on me." The same ex-girlfriend who has been stalking me since we broke up. Two years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1838

You deserved it

125

Favorite

By WHAT A NICE GUY YOU ARE, SIR SHITSPAWN!!!1! - 9/8/2013 22:13 - United States

Today, this weird kid in class asked me on a date. He claims to be a werewolf. His excuse for not being able to turn into one? A "rare disease." His excuse for everyone rejecting him? "Friend-zoning bitches." I was the last resort even for a jackoff "nice guy" werewolf. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41304

You deserved it

3689

Favorite

By Braced - 21/2/2010 05:14 - United States

Today, my dad and I were shovelling snow off the roof. I told him I was going to jump off the roof. He told me to go ahead, so I did. He failed to tell me that the snow was packed and wouldn't break my fall. I now have an injured back. He didn't tell me because he didn't think I would actually do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9079

You deserved it

38697

Favorite

By itwasajoke - 25/12/2016 21:23

Today, I ran into an old friend for whom I used to have feelings. I hadn't seen her in years, so I thought it would be funny if I went up to her and said, "Hey, you look familiar, do I know you?" She thought I had really forgotten her and burst into tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8340

You deserved it

2298

Favorite

By Anonymous - 1/3/2014 18:46 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I went on a date with a girl my friend set me up with. I thought we got along great, until after dessert, when I asked if she'd be interested in doing this again. She just said, "Nahhh" then got up and casually left, stiffing me on the bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48407

You deserved it

5484

Favorite

By ke - 29/1/2010 05:10 - United States

Today, I did something clever at work and I was telling one of the other girls about it. I said "Just using my noodle" and went to tap my temple but instead I jabbed myself in the eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7820

You deserved it

30731

Favorite

By insideout - 10/5/2009 20:25 - United States

Today, I told my parents that I was going out with my boyfriend and they agreed to let me go as long as I was home by midnight. Did I come home on time? Yes. Was my shirt right side out? No. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30341

You deserved it

127714

Favorite

By Franklin - 1/2/2018 05:00 - United States - Fairbanks

Keeping it in the family!

Today, we got the results of our family's ancestry DNA tests. My father isn't related to me, but my grandfather is still my grandfather. Apparently grandma cheated on grandpa to get 'dad', and my mother cheated on 'dad' with my 'uncle' to get me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6130

You deserved it

276

Favorite

By Anonymous - 25/1/2013 20:13 - Canada - Quebec

Today, I got married. I'm Jewish, and it's traditional to break a glass cup by stepping on it after giving the bride her ring. My brother thought it would be funny to replace the glass cup with a rubber one. I slipped and fell flat on my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39455

You deserved it

4211

Favorite

By Yes - 24/11/2009 16:08 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me to come over because we "needed to talk." Going down the stairs, I tripped and fell. I woke up from unconsciousness with a hurting leg and my boyfriend standing over me. Just as I was about to smile and ask for a kiss, he said, "Maybe we should take a break" and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34367

You deserved it

3348

Favorite

By Anonymous - 9/4/2017 20:00

Today, I was running late for my morning gym class. I grabbed a near-empty drink bottle on my way out, intending to fill it up at the gym. Mid-workout, I reached for my bottle and took a big mouthful as I headed over to fill it up. To my great surprise, it was not water but straight vodka. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4481

You deserved it

1346

Favorite

By chiclet - 2/6/2010 02:34 - France

Today, my boyfriend was talking to me on the land line when his cell phone rang. He told me to wait "two seconds" while he talked to a classmate. Their "two second" conversation lasted ten minutes, and now I can hear the French Open on the TV in background. He forgot he was talking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28087

You deserved it

4447

Favorite

By Emmpag - 2/2/2020 01:00 - South Africa - Johannesburg

And then.....

Today, I bought my very first car that I spent years saving for. A few hours after I signed all the papers, I let my boyfriend go for a test drive. He totaled it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2165

You deserved it

741

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Top comments

By KnightAngela1109 | 10

#4486926 - Sunday 27 May 2012 8:41

Look on the bright side....... You just mad some NEW FRIENDS:)YAY!!!

By ICastillo | 24

#4486928 - Sunday 27 May 2012 8:42

Dear diary..... Jack pot. Your lucky it wasn't the pedo bear.

COMMENTS

By MGSPOP | 1

#4486921 - Sunday 27 May 2012 8:41

Unless OP's friends car and strangers car are relatively the same, I think this is fake.

By KnightAngela1109 | 10

#4486926 - Sunday 27 May 2012 8:41

Look on the bright side....... You just mad some NEW FRIENDS:)YAY!!!

KairoFallin | 0

#4486979 - Sunday 27 May 2012 8:46

Made*

KnightAngela1109 | 10

#4486987 - Sunday 27 May 2012 8:48

^oh butterfingers....Thanks for correcting me though.

KairoFallin | 0

#4486997 - Sunday 27 May 2012 8:50

Hah it's fine, I just felt like being a grammar nazi for once in my life. :P

FMLshark | 12

#4487073 - Sunday 27 May 2012 9:16

Spelling =/= Grammar.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but you have yet to be a grammar nazi.

iStrukk | 7

#4487813 - Sunday 27 May 2012 16:05

16- You are probably the dumbest person I have ever met if you think you are a "grammar" nazi for correcting a spelling error. Learn gooder English, Mmmkay?

MrLibya | 2

#4487913 - Sunday 27 May 2012 16:22

72, Learn better English* sick! I'm now a grammar nazi! Hitler! Here I come,

MrLibya | 2

#4487931 - Sunday 27 May 2012 16:26

Sorry I meant a period not a comma at the end :( I'm no grammar nazi....

DrBlack | 9

#4488205 - Sunday 27 May 2012 17:39

Dude I really hope you were taking the piss when you wrote 'gooder'.

kittenvks | 11

#4489250 - Sunday 27 May 2012 23:06

It's sarcasm people, do you seriously not realize that??

By ICastillo | 24

#4486928 - Sunday 27 May 2012 8:42

Dear diary..... Jack pot. Your lucky it wasn't the pedo bear.

drarmstrong | 8

#4487040 - Sunday 27 May 2012 9:09

Want some candy? I've got some in my van.

lolfood | 24

#4487144 - Sunday 27 May 2012 10:00

You're*

ICastillo | 24

#4487148 - Sunday 27 May 2012 10:02

Yeah yeah whatever man it happens.

Chad_the_Brony | 0

#4487186 - Sunday 27 May 2012 10:40

It's not *the* Pedo Bear, it's just Pedo Bear. You ain't going to find another bear more Pedo than Pedo bear.

TwitchingNebula | 17

#4487257 - Sunday 27 May 2012 11:34

46, that's exactly why it is THE pedo bear...

ChrisTheCalm | 9

#4487946 - Sunday 27 May 2012 16:29

Why you speak of his name so much? He must not be named.

TheAngryKitten | 0

#4488457 - Sunday 27 May 2012 18:40

Pedobear, pedobear, pedobear. *Poof* "IIIIIIIIIIIIIII I I LOVE LITTLE GIRLS THEY MAKE ME FEEL SO GOOD~"

Infamous_Hawk | 6

#4497684 - Wednesday 30 May 2012 3:58

That awkward moment when there is no candy in the van...

By GemmaStyles | 14

#4486930 - Sunday 27 May 2012 8:42

Hah let's hope it wasn't a pedophile, dear x

stalkerstatus101 | 5

#4486953 - Sunday 27 May 2012 8:44

If it was s/he wouldnt be writing this FML

TarieBoo | 2

#4487051 - Sunday 27 May 2012 9:11

pedo bear

downtime | 12

#4487230 - Sunday 27 May 2012 11:04

...Uh...where does it say she's a child? Paedophiles aren't really a risk to anyone but children.

8KAGE8 | 8

#4493443 - Tuesday 29 May 2012 3:48

Not entirely true

By I_Punch_Babies | 7

#4486932 - Sunday 27 May 2012 8:42

all cars look the same because they all have wheels :-

fylx100 | 19

#4487127 - Sunday 27 May 2012 9:53

I thumbed you down for your username.

I_Punch_Babies | 7

#4487132 - Sunday 27 May 2012 9:58

thats okay. i thumbed you down cuz you have no sense of humor.

SitOnMyLapNiece | 1

#4487138 - Sunday 27 May 2012 10:00

i did the same to 36.

MineIsBigger | 5

#4487146 - Sunday 27 May 2012 10:01

me too. anyone who thumbs someone down for their username is just a lame ass.

ICastillo | 24

#4487158 - Sunday 27 May 2012 10:09

I thumbed 36 down because who doesn't punch babies?!?

Kenzington1996 | 1

#4487184 - Sunday 27 May 2012 10:40

Haha I like the name.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#4487228 - Sunday 27 May 2012 11:03

39- Punched or thumbed down? Please say punched...

SitOnMyLapNiece | 1

#4487273 - Sunday 27 May 2012 11:40

i thumbed 36 down AND punched him.

ChrisTheCalm | 9

#4487958 - Sunday 27 May 2012 16:30

What's the humor in punching harmless infants? You grew up harshly, didn't you?

KiddNYC1O | 20

#4488359 - Sunday 27 May 2012 18:15

You're too calm, Chris.

pokefan813 | 16

#4488401 - Sunday 27 May 2012 18:26

77 - Dude lighten up, not everything is to be taken seriously.

Quidikic | 9

#4488432 - Sunday 27 May 2012 18:32

I punched 36 because I like punching babies.

*buh dum tssh*

grime | 4

#4489421 - Monday 28 May 2012 0:21

I don't sucker punch, I punch suckers.

rockerlove2013 | 6

#4490070 - Monday 28 May 2012 4:05

I thumbed u down cause ur stupid maybe s/he needed a name and was mad at the world so they used tht name im sure tht person does not punch babies #36

trollfaced | 2

#4490606 - Monday 28 May 2012 8:25

109 - I thumbed you down because you killed the combo

trollcrusher | 17

#4497830 - Wednesday 30 May 2012 5:00

"Ur stupid"? Oh, the irony. However, I agree with what you tried to say... If I understood it the way you meant it.

Kitten_love | 22

#6219374 - Monday 2 March 2015 21:17

Falcon punch!

By ChrisG93 | 8

#4486948 - Sunday 27 May 2012 8:43

So who broke the awkward silence? You or the other person?

By NomNomMuffin | 5

#4486950 - Sunday 27 May 2012 8:44

That's always awkward

xoconnie | 8

#4487673 - Sunday 27 May 2012 15:23

^ you say that as if you jump into random cars on a daily basis. you scare me.

ChrisTheCalm | 9

#4487965 - Sunday 27 May 2012 16:32

She scares you? If I could have random girls jump into my car I'd be ecstatic (:

Il_Maestro | 6

#4488430 - Sunday 27 May 2012 18:31

Nah, it's not awkward when I'm trying to jump into random cars and it's accidentally someone I know.

By LadyGore | 12

#4486969 - Sunday 27 May 2012 8:45

Pretend its completely normal and demand they take you to McDonalds

NoisyNykkii | 10

#4487026 - Sunday 27 May 2012 9:02

McDonalds? I'd demand they take me to Six Flags! If I'm gonna hitchhike, I might as well make it good!

kegande | 0

#4487034 - Sunday 27 May 2012 9:05

And I want a happy meal with the cool toy! And can we stay so I can play for a while?

Mischief109 | 11

#4488047 - Sunday 27 May 2012 16:59

When in doubt, yell "why are we just sitting here?!?!?! GO GO GO!!!" I've done that to my brother-in-law and it freaked him out so he sped off :P

By GotBrains | 0

#4486976 - Sunday 27 May 2012 8:46

"so your not my personal driver..? Hmm wierd.."

garrr | 0

#4487101 - Sunday 27 May 2012 9:31

Weird*

Bekll | 30

#4487103 - Sunday 27 May 2012 9:37

33, you missed one: You're*

GotBrains | 0

#4487431 - Sunday 27 May 2012 13:18

Grammar Nazi, are you? Come at me bro!

98rocky | 0

#4490516 - Monday 28 May 2012 7:12

Nice.

By CaptNomNom | 17

#4486981 - Sunday 27 May 2012 8:46

Wow. Just wow.