Today, my friends were coming to pick me up from volleyball practice....

By HorcruxDelight73 - 26/5/2012 23:00 - United States - Lakewood

Today, my friends were coming to pick me up from volleyball practice. When their car pulled up, I jumped in. It was really quiet, so I looked up, only to find I had gotten in the wrong car. FML

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25274

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HorcruxDelight73 Say more :

This was actually my FML, everyone. No, it wasn't a pedophile, THANK GOD. It was a couple, and they said "Umm...can we help you?" and I was like, "Sorry! I thought you were my friends!" Then got out awkwardly. They had the same car. It wasn't my fault.

Miscellaneous

Understandable

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

By BrokeAsFuck - 18/10/2012 23:52 - United States

Today, my mom and I went out to a fancy and expensive restaurant per her request; she told me it was her treat. After we ate our meals and the large check came, she excused herself to the bathroom. She didn't come back. I was dine-and-dashed by my own mother. FML

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32291

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2017

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By m0m - 4/3/2016 14:01 - Belgium - Brasschaat

Today, I had to explain to my 27 year-old sister why a stainless steel fork isn't a good toy for my 8 month-old baby. Twice. FML

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20913

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1582

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By heartbroken - 14/7/2012 01:41 - Canada - Brantford

Today, I came home in tears after my boyfriend admitted to cheating on me. My dad told me to sit down and tell him everything. He's pretty eccentric, so I wasn't fazed when he put on a pair of sunglasses. When I stopped talking, I noticed his mouth was slightly agape and he was snoring. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30489

You deserved it

2805

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By negativesoup - 10/11/2016 18:44

Today, I was eating chicken noodle soup for my lunch. It was perfect until the last bite when it went down the wrong pipe. Choking, I coughed up what I'd already eaten. In front of my coworkers, and all over myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9163

You deserved it

657

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By just the tip, though - 28/1/2014 17:06 - United States - Grovetown

Today, at work teaching a cooking class, one of the kids asked if they could use a knife to help me chop vegetables. I said no, because it was very sharp and only staff members are allowed to use them. Just as I said that, the knife sliced through the tip of my thumb. FML

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42903

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By Anon - 30/3/2012 05:10 - New Zealand

Today, I was so excited to hear my phone get a message that I jumped out of my seat. It was the TV, advertising texting plans. FML

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22314

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5097

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2012 19:44 - United States - Fresno

Today, I walked into my house with my friend, only to discover my husband half-naked and yelling at the TV screen over a soccer game. By half-naked, I mean he was only wearing a shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26327

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By NotAGoodStart - 7/3/2020 14:00 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Fashion Week

Today, I went on a blind date, meeting up in a park. I got there first and sat down to wait for him. After a while, a guy sat down next to me. I wasn't sure if it was him, so I texted him, asking if he'd arrived. His response was, "I'm already here, sat to the left of the old woman dressed like a gypsy." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1677

You deserved it

273

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By cat lady - 30/8/2014 11:56 - Norway - Egersund

Today, I learned that while other people drunk call their exes, I drunk adopt cats. Seven cats, to be exact. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46355

You deserved it

11303

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By Joe - 25/2/2009 19:05 - United States

Today, I had the cops called on me because I accidentally texted "I'm going to kill you and use your head as hood ornament" to my ex-fiancé, instead of my best friend. I only texted that because he got a better grade on an exam than me. Now I have a court date. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31950

You deserved it

45467

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2009 16:27 - United States

Today, I was going to take my boyfriend to Napa. It's my birthday and I wanted to do something big since last year my fiancée called off the wedding. My boyfriend just broke up with me because I'm "clearly not over" my ex. This makes two consecutive birthdays alone in romantic hotels I paid for. FML

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44280

You deserved it

6051

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2009 17:16 - United States

Today, I was looking over some old notes from high school when I came across a list of things I wanted to accomplish by the time I'm 25. I haven't accomplished a single one. I'm 26. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45112

You deserved it

16117

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By rebecca - 10/3/2009 21:31 - Austria

Today, as a bartender was carding my friends, I excitedly asked if he was going to card me. The guy gave me a blank stare before finally replying, "Look, lady, I don't have time to stroke some middle-aged woman's ego." I asked because it was my birthday. I just turned twenty-one. FML

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90135

You deserved it

7121

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By sadtimes - 22/1/2009 11:10 - Canada

Today, I decided to get a Blizzard from Dairy Queen. As bent down to put my pen away, my Blizzard somehow defied the laws of gravity and fell on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21130

You deserved it

4221

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By seatle girl - 28/6/2016 00:43 - France - Les Mureaux

Today, my six-year-old daughter organized a treasure hunt… for our cat. She hid the contents of an entire bag of cat food all around the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10519

You deserved it

942

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By Sapphirlinda - 3/7/2010 23:25 - Netherlands

Today, my friend told me I'm not welcome in her house anymore. I've spent the last two months painting and doing it up for her, because she's pregnant and couldn't herself. I just finished the job. FML

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39665

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By sabadaba - 19/6/2011 17:51 - United States

Today, at the DMV, I was told to push my forehead against a vision testing device on the counter to activate a blinking light. When nothing happened, the employee started yelling for me to push harder. I tried again, only to knock the whole thing into her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31741

You deserved it

3287

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2011 23:51 - United States

Today, my husband finally got round to cutting down a tree limb in our front yard after months of me begging him. It fell on me. FML

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27216

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15746

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2013 06:28 - United States - Calhan

Today, my brother accidentally hit me in the throat. After I stopped coughing, choking, and feeling like I was going to die, he came back into my room, quietly said "I know your weakness," and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35430

You deserved it

3418

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By Nat3_2020 - 27/1/2015 14:02 - United States

Today, as I walked on to the bus, the girl I liked whispered something to her friend. Curious, I asked what was so funny. She said she never realized that when I got on, I shook the bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29009

You deserved it

3709

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By ugly - 14/11/2010 07:39 - United States

Today, I was in McDonalds with some friends. When I got up to the register to order, the guy there appeared startled by me, and said, 'Whoa, you're really pretty.' No one has ever said anything like that to me before. When I told my friends, they laughed and said, 'Wow. He must have been drunk.' FML

I agree, your life sucks

35438

You deserved it

3475

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By Gnomead - 12/8/2018 18:30

Why People Break Bad

Today, I got turned down for a home for low income people because my income was too low. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3013

You deserved it

188

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By porn daddy - 21/6/2017 00:00

Today, my drunk dad went off on a tangent about his porn watching habits to the whole family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5897

You deserved it

428

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By Fitz - 5/5/2009 12:22 - United States

Today, I overheard my mother and sister talking so I stopped to eavesdrop. I recently enlisted in the Marines, and they were talking about what they would do with the money if I died. FML

I agree, your life sucks

184332

You deserved it

14199

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By ... - 12/3/2009 18:57 - France

Today, the really hot guy that works in the same building as me came to work after being away for the past two days. I said "Look who finally decided to come to work." His response: "I had a death in the family, thanks." FML

I agree, your life sucks

8576

You deserved it

27174

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2011 07:42 - Australia

Today, I got home from work to find my house covered in graffiti dicks, the windows smashed, the front lawn entirely ripped up, and my letter box containing dog shit. I also found a note taped to the door saying, "Suck on this Darren". Darren is my next door neighbor. FML

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63430

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3269

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2009 04:49 - Canada

Today, my mom had a talk with me while my dad was out. She said to stop using her lotion for my masturbation sessions. I asked her how long did she know. She replied with, "Ever since we put up that camera in the living room for burglars, where you happen to watch your porn." FML

I agree, your life sucks

29131

You deserved it

51041

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By becstar90 - 5/6/2009 04:21 - United States

Today, I was taking a picture with my friend. Her camera can pick out a certain color and only have that color show up in the picture. She chose yellow because of the yellow on my dress. When she showed me the picture, the sash wasn't the only yellow thing; my teeth showed up, too. FML

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45425

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By Heather - 26/6/2012 17:13 - United States - Newport News

Today, I discovered my children had found my vibrator and buried it in the cat's litter box. FML

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28315

You deserved it

12668

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By Nancy - 8/7/2009 14:01

Today, I sat on an elevator for 10 minutes thinking I was stuck. After waiting awhile I looked at the screen to see what floor I was stuck on, only to realize I hadn't pressed a button so I had just stayed on the ground floor. FML

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9236

You deserved it

63731

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2016 06:11

Today, my best friend invited my ex to eat lunch with her. I wouldn't have found out had I not bumped into them while they were there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12931

You deserved it

1293

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By (-__- ) ( ^.^) - 11/10/2013 21:00 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, trying to be romantic, I started coming on to my wife while in bed, only for her to yet again say she wasn't in the mood. When I asked why she never is lately, she sarcastically blamed it on the government shutdown, then rolled over to go to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57727

You deserved it

6285

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By blehh - 14/4/2009 20:40 - United States

Today, I had horrible pains in my stomach area so I went to the doctors. They couldn't find anything wrong and sent me to the Emergency Room for X-rays. After spending the entire day in the hospital, they tell me I'm slightly constipated. I had to pay $400 to find out I had to take a shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34212

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2010 08:17 - United States

Today, I watched a grizzled, old gas station attendant with a stain on her blouse use my driver's license to pick something out of her teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36090

You deserved it

2897

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By safariboo - 9/2/2010 15:43 - United States

Today, I returned home to my girlfriend after being away for 6 weeks of work. I decided to take a shower and change before having a nice dinner with her. Without looking I grabbed a random pair of jeans from my closet to put on. They were Levis. I don't own or wear any Levis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39508

You deserved it

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By StillBetterThanTwilight - 28/8/2012 15:56 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my boyfriend told me that he had once been possessed by demons, and that he now sleeps with a knife under his pillow for protection from, "The dark spirits that are feasting upon his soul." I'm not sure that I'll be sleeping over anytime soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24458

You deserved it

2576

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By Spike - 29/3/2011 18:08 - United States

Today, I found out my dad has a 1-in-a-million disease that makes your liver process pain medication at twice the rate of a normal person. If that wasn't bad enough, he also tells me he hopes I don't have it too, because it can be passed down. He said this because I'm 29 weeks pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36041

You deserved it

3188

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By doodoobref - 31/7/2015 05:38 - United States - Lake Havasu City

Today, my parents sent me to the hospital because they thought I had diabetes. One of the symptoms is that you a pee a lot. The only reason I go to the bathroom so often is so I can masturbate. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19832

You deserved it

29877

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By TheThirdWheel - 23/4/2018 05:00

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend of 2 years and my best friend of 10 years making out in my bedroom. I stared and when they noticed me, my boyfriend didn’t even bat an eye and suggested we have a threesome. My best friend immediately agreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6080

You deserved it

560

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By Mark - 20/3/2017 08:00 - United States - Sparks

Today, while I was vacuuming, my cat got scared and tripped me. I landed on the vacuum handle between my legs. Not walking too well right now. FML

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4582

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531

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Top comments

By KnightAngela1109 | 10

#4486926 - Sunday 27 May 2012 8:41

Look on the bright side....... You just mad some NEW FRIENDS:)YAY!!!

By ICastillo | 24

#4486928 - Sunday 27 May 2012 8:42

Dear diary..... Jack pot. Your lucky it wasn't the pedo bear.

Comments

By MGSPOP | 1

#4486921 - Sunday 27 May 2012 8:41

Unless OP's friends car and strangers car are relatively the same, I think this is fake.

By KnightAngela1109 | 10

#4486926 - Sunday 27 May 2012 8:41

Look on the bright side....... You just mad some NEW FRIENDS:)YAY!!!

KairoFallin | 0

#4486979 - Sunday 27 May 2012 8:46

Made*

KnightAngela1109 | 10

#4486987 - Sunday 27 May 2012 8:48

^oh butterfingers....Thanks for correcting me though.

KairoFallin | 0

#4486997 - Sunday 27 May 2012 8:50

Hah it's fine, I just felt like being a grammar nazi for once in my life. :P

FMLshark | 12

#4487073 - Sunday 27 May 2012 9:16

Spelling =/= Grammar.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but you have yet to be a grammar nazi.

iStrukk | 7

#4487813 - Sunday 27 May 2012 16:05

16- You are probably the dumbest person I have ever met if you think you are a "grammar" nazi for correcting a spelling error. Learn gooder English, Mmmkay?

MrLibya | 2

#4487913 - Sunday 27 May 2012 16:22

72, Learn better English* sick! I'm now a grammar nazi! Hitler! Here I come,

MrLibya | 2

#4487931 - Sunday 27 May 2012 16:26

Sorry I meant a period not a comma at the end :( I'm no grammar nazi....

DrBlack | 9

#4488205 - Sunday 27 May 2012 17:39

Dude I really hope you were taking the piss when you wrote 'gooder'.

kittenvks | 11

#4489250 - Sunday 27 May 2012 23:06

It's sarcasm people, do you seriously not realize that??

By ICastillo | 24

#4486928 - Sunday 27 May 2012 8:42

Dear diary..... Jack pot. Your lucky it wasn't the pedo bear.

drarmstrong | 8

#4487040 - Sunday 27 May 2012 9:09

Want some candy? I've got some in my van.

lolfood | 24

#4487144 - Sunday 27 May 2012 10:00

You're*

ICastillo | 24

#4487148 - Sunday 27 May 2012 10:02

Yeah yeah whatever man it happens.

Chad_the_Brony | 0

#4487186 - Sunday 27 May 2012 10:40

It's not *the* Pedo Bear, it's just Pedo Bear. You ain't going to find another bear more Pedo than Pedo bear.

TwitchingNebula | 17

#4487257 - Sunday 27 May 2012 11:34

46, that's exactly why it is THE pedo bear...

ChrisTheCalm | 9

#4487946 - Sunday 27 May 2012 16:29

Why you speak of his name so much? He must not be named.

TheAngryKitten | 0

#4488457 - Sunday 27 May 2012 18:40

Pedobear, pedobear, pedobear. *Poof* "IIIIIIIIIIIIIII I I LOVE LITTLE GIRLS THEY MAKE ME FEEL SO GOOD~"

Infamous_Hawk | 6

#4497684 - Wednesday 30 May 2012 3:58

That awkward moment when there is no candy in the van...

By GemmaStyles | 14

#4486930 - Sunday 27 May 2012 8:42

Hah let's hope it wasn't a pedophile, dear x

stalkerstatus101 | 5

#4486953 - Sunday 27 May 2012 8:44

If it was s/he wouldnt be writing this FML

TarieBoo | 2

#4487051 - Sunday 27 May 2012 9:11

pedo bear

downtime | 12

#4487230 - Sunday 27 May 2012 11:04

...Uh...where does it say she's a child? Paedophiles aren't really a risk to anyone but children.

8KAGE8 | 8

#4493443 - Tuesday 29 May 2012 3:48

Not entirely true

By I_Punch_Babies | 7

#4486932 - Sunday 27 May 2012 8:42

all cars look the same because they all have wheels :-

fylx100 | 19

#4487127 - Sunday 27 May 2012 9:53

I thumbed you down for your username.

I_Punch_Babies | 7

#4487132 - Sunday 27 May 2012 9:58

thats okay. i thumbed you down cuz you have no sense of humor.

SitOnMyLapNiece | 1

#4487138 - Sunday 27 May 2012 10:00

i did the same to 36.

MineIsBigger | 5

#4487146 - Sunday 27 May 2012 10:01

me too. anyone who thumbs someone down for their username is just a lame ass.

ICastillo | 24

#4487158 - Sunday 27 May 2012 10:09

I thumbed 36 down because who doesn't punch babies?!?

Kenzington1996 | 1

#4487184 - Sunday 27 May 2012 10:40

Haha I like the name.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#4487228 - Sunday 27 May 2012 11:03

39- Punched or thumbed down? Please say punched...

SitOnMyLapNiece | 1

#4487273 - Sunday 27 May 2012 11:40

i thumbed 36 down AND punched him.

ChrisTheCalm | 9

#4487958 - Sunday 27 May 2012 16:30

What's the humor in punching harmless infants? You grew up harshly, didn't you?

KiddNYC1O | 20

#4488359 - Sunday 27 May 2012 18:15

You're too calm, Chris.

pokefan813 | 16

#4488401 - Sunday 27 May 2012 18:26

77 - Dude lighten up, not everything is to be taken seriously.

Quidikic | 9

#4488432 - Sunday 27 May 2012 18:32

I punched 36 because I like punching babies.

*buh dum tssh*

grime | 4

#4489421 - Monday 28 May 2012 0:21

I don't sucker punch, I punch suckers.

rockerlove2013 | 6

#4490070 - Monday 28 May 2012 4:05

I thumbed u down cause ur stupid maybe s/he needed a name and was mad at the world so they used tht name im sure tht person does not punch babies #36

trollfaced | 2

#4490606 - Monday 28 May 2012 8:25

109 - I thumbed you down because you killed the combo

trollcrusher | 17

#4497830 - Wednesday 30 May 2012 5:00

"Ur stupid"? Oh, the irony. However, I agree with what you tried to say... If I understood it the way you meant it.

Kitten_love | 22

#6219374 - Monday 2 March 2015 21:17

Falcon punch!

By ChrisG93 | 8

#4486948 - Sunday 27 May 2012 8:43

So who broke the awkward silence? You or the other person?

By NomNomMuffin | 5

#4486950 - Sunday 27 May 2012 8:44

That's always awkward

xoconnie | 8

#4487673 - Sunday 27 May 2012 15:23

^ you say that as if you jump into random cars on a daily basis. you scare me.

ChrisTheCalm | 9

#4487965 - Sunday 27 May 2012 16:32

She scares you? If I could have random girls jump into my car I'd be ecstatic (:

Il_Maestro | 6

#4488430 - Sunday 27 May 2012 18:31

Nah, it's not awkward when I'm trying to jump into random cars and it's accidentally someone I know.

By LadyGore | 12

#4486969 - Sunday 27 May 2012 8:45

Pretend its completely normal and demand they take you to McDonalds

NoisyNykkii | 10

#4487026 - Sunday 27 May 2012 9:02

McDonalds? I'd demand they take me to Six Flags! If I'm gonna hitchhike, I might as well make it good!

kegande | 0

#4487034 - Sunday 27 May 2012 9:05

And I want a happy meal with the cool toy! And can we stay so I can play for a while?

Mischief109 | 11

#4488047 - Sunday 27 May 2012 16:59

When in doubt, yell "why are we just sitting here?!?!?! GO GO GO!!!" I've done that to my brother-in-law and it freaked him out so he sped off :P

By GotBrains | 0

#4486976 - Sunday 27 May 2012 8:46

"so your not my personal driver..? Hmm wierd.."

garrr | 0

#4487101 - Sunday 27 May 2012 9:31

Weird*

Bekll | 30

#4487103 - Sunday 27 May 2012 9:37

33, you missed one: You're*

GotBrains | 0

#4487431 - Sunday 27 May 2012 13:18

Grammar Nazi, are you? Come at me bro!

98rocky | 0

#4490516 - Monday 28 May 2012 7:12

Nice.

By CaptNomNom | 17

#4486981 - Sunday 27 May 2012 8:46

Wow. Just wow.