Miscellaneous: Today, my friends were coming to pick me up from volleyball practice....

This was actually my FML, everyone. No, it wasn't a pedophile, THANK GOD. It was a couple, and they said "Umm...can we help you?" and I was like, "Sorry! I thought you were my friends!" Then got out awkwardly. They had the same car. It wasn't my fault.

Miscellaneous

And today, on Dr Phil…

Best teeth in the game

Sorry…

04/01/2018 19:00

Today, I went bowling with my family. When my brother went up to buy a drink refill, the guy at the counter kindly refilled it for free and told him that he thought I was pretty. My dad laughed and shouted, "Pretty ugly!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 795

You deserved it 410

21/07/2014 22:49

Today, I had to take my cat to the vet. On the way there, he managed to get out of his cage, climb into the front seat, onto my chest, and howl in my face as I tried to drive down the highway. I ended up with stitches and still got charged for missing my cat's appointment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 509

You deserved it 5 867

25/04/2017 00:00

Today, after winning the first set for school tennis championship, the losing side refused to shake hands with my team. We ended up getting disqualified from the championship by the referee for bad conduct, even though it wasn't our fault. We told the referee what happened, and he said, "Suck it up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 636

You deserved it 316

19/07/2015 14:36

Today, I was at a professional tennis match. The ball was hit extremely hard, resulting in it going into the crowd. And when I say crowd, I mean my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 261

You deserved it 2 116

17/08/2015 19:20

Today, I asked out the man of my dreams. He's smart, attractive, and has a steady job. Imagine my surprise when he accepted. Then imagine my surprise when he followed up with "Hah, just kidding. You're fuckin' BORING!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 591

You deserved it 2 407

Mix up

By Anonymous - 22/08/2021 10:31

Today, I found out that the person I love, who is also a friend, is now in a relationship with my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 739

You deserved it 114

26/03/2016 05:51

Today, I brought my best painting yet to college. I showed it off and everyone loved it. Or almost everyone. When we came back from lunch break, we found someone had sharpied the words "JIZZ BUTT" all over it. That painting took two weeks to finish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 435

You deserved it 1 969

19/05/2016 17:32

Today, after many days of messing around with wording and pictures, a huge and expensive printed card order came in to the office. I spelt the first word wrong. I can't get a refund. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 866

You deserved it 9 756

03/01/2016 14:01

Today, I had to listen to my brother whine yet again about being single and how unfair it is. This is a guy who owns an "I fuck on the first date" t-shirt and has more than once referred to women as "vaginas with a person attached". Last time I called him out for being such a dick, I got punched. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 057

You deserved it 1 918

17/01/2011 01:28

Today, my girlfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time. We are both virgins. After we kissed and I took down my pants, she screamed and said "That THING is going to break me." We never did it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 961

You deserved it 6 991

04/11/2008 04:16

Today, I was in a nightclub with my girlfriend when a beautiful woman looked at me in the most provocative way. I didn't want to upset my girlfriend, so I escaped to the bar. When I came back, I saw the same girl making out with my girlfriend. Maybe I wasn't the one she was looking at. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 235

You deserved it 9 011

28/07/2012 22:15

Today, my grandpa told my mom that he needs to rewrite his will soon. I jokingly said that I was going to be stinking rich when he passes away. He retorted that he's never forgiven me for rear-ending his car six years ago, and because of this, I'll never see a penny of his money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 219

You deserved it 33 968

06/03/2009 17:58

Today, I was boarding my flight when I got pulled aside for looking suspicious. As she was opening my bag, I said, "Be careful, I jammed so many clothes in there it may explode." I was then strip searched for my trouble. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 536

You deserved it 49 649

24/03/2013 05:30

Today, I bought an expensive razor that's supposed to be great. My roommate asked if she could borrow it, and as her legs just looked like they needed touching up, I said sure. After a strangely long amount of time, she came back, thanked me and left. Her legs were still hairy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 138

You deserved it 13 135

Home to roost

By Anonymous - 10/04/2021 00:30

Today, I found out that my mother has been telling several people that my fiancé and I will be moving into her house for the foreseeable future. All because we're moving to a city close by for jobs and are still searching for housing. I found this out from several of the people she told. FML

I agree, your life sucks 809

You deserved it 82

17/02/2011 06:22

Today, I ran out of toilet paper in the bathroom. I was forced to use tissues to do the job. As if that wasn't bad enough, the sanitizer in the tissues gave me a rash that made me have to stand up frequently in the lecture hall. Several people asked if I had Tourette's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 010

You deserved it 4 328

04/09/2010 04:15

Today, I found out what "supersoaked" means. I thought it meant getting shot by a water gun, which is why I laughed when my daughter's boyfriend said he "supersoaked" her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 213

You deserved it 6 896

28/12/2010 15:39

Today, I was in a very crowded train coming home from work. I saw a cute guy sitting across from me. As I lifted my one leg to hook it over my other leg, I let out a loud fart. All I could do was sit there and wait for my stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 109

You deserved it 10 793

07/02/2011 00:58

Today, my boyfriend left for a 2-year job posting in China. We had agreed to maintain a long distance relationship and even worked out a visiting schedule. Later that night, after trying to reach him, I realized the numbers he gave me weren't for China. The country code doesn't even exist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 289

You deserved it 3 722

07/12/2010 04:53

Today, while sitting on the bus a stranger sat next to me, farted, put his hand under his butt to smell what it was like, and then sniffed it throughout the whole ride while glancing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 047

You deserved it 2 541

Bad guy (duh)

By Anonymous - 17/06/2020 20:01

Today, I had to fake enthusiasm when my girlfriend told me she's pregnant. She has a nasty streak and I was planning to break up with her, but if I left her now everyone would think I’m the bad guy. And I actually think she’s capable of killing me if she gets angry enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 009

You deserved it 838

28/03/2011 11:52

Today, my three housemates got into a huge fight and ended up declaring their undying hatred for each other. They now refuse to talk to each other, and I've become their go-between. Yesterday, we signed the lease for another year in the house together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 841

You deserved it 4 257

18/02/2019 16:00

Today, the family posted my mother in law’s obituary. My husband was listed as a survivor, with no mention of me, while all the other spouses were named. Also listed as a survivor - his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 462

You deserved it 197

16/08/2015 04:10

Today, I tried to vacuum to surprise my mom with a clean house. The vacuum started shorting out, sparked, and then burst into flames mid living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 053

You deserved it 2 096

27/06/2012 20:02

Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. I had an IUD put in two years ago that's supposed to prevent pregnancy. To put it in perspective, less than 1% of people using this IUD get pregnant. Lucky me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 804

You deserved it 5 324

03/08/2011 07:47

Today, I was texting my boyfriend. He continued to tell me how he had to piss. We carried on this conversation for about 10 minutes, then I realized that was the most interesting conversation I have had with him in weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 301

You deserved it 6 232

29/12/2017 20:00

Today, I walked into a room where my naked "best friend" had set up a romantic scene and attempted to kiss me. It turns out he believed we were in a relationship for the last year and told our entire school. I am 100% straight. This explains why I haven't been able to get laid in months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 116

You deserved it 931

10/10/2013 20:00

Today, during a family dinner, my 5-year-old son excitedly told everyone that I let him use my "douche" last week. My parents glared at me in anger and horror, and only after they left did I find out that his brother had told him that's what my loofah is called. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 465

You deserved it 3 543

15/08/2013 11:28

Today, it was my birthday. I spent all day in bed, sick with the flu. My boyfriend then broke up with me by text, because he didn't want to risk getting sick by doing it in person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 970

You deserved it 3 404

04/12/2015 03:21

Today, while working at my desk alone and with my headphones in, I suddenly let loose a loud stream of gas. As I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, I saw, in the reflection of my laptop, that my roommate had been sitting silently on the couch right behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 373

You deserved it 4 463

17/09/2009 18:45

Today, I was in the 'intimacy' section of Walmart. After grabbing 2 boxes of condoms and a vibrating ring I turn around to see my ex boyfriend's mom. I smile awkwardly and put my head down as I walk away, causing me to colide with his dad and send my 'goodies' all over the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 138

You deserved it 7 131

Save yourself

By Anonymous - 06/08/2021 22:01

Today, I had to offer my boyfriend a no-hard-feelings opportunity to just leave. He never wanted to be a dad, but since we accidentally got pregnant and had our son, I’ve watched his mental health go downhill so fast I was afraid he’d kill himself if he kept forcing himself to stay with us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 227

You deserved it 150

26/02/2012 17:42

Today, I cut myself while shaving my globes. My girlfriend now refuses to stop teasing me about being "fisted by Edward Scissorhands." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 957

You deserved it 7 914

17/08/2018 01:30

Today, I went on a date. We met in the parking lot of a restaurant. As I approached his car he took one look at me, said "Nope", and drove off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 593

You deserved it 269

27/12/2010 17:52

Today, my husband yawned in the middle of our wedding vows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 414

You deserved it 7 128

21/04/2014 21:26

Today, I joked to a client that every time I see his name, I start singing the song 'Dr Jones' by Aqua. He looked blankly at me, so I broke into song, 'Dr Jones, Dr Jones, calling Dr Jones... ' He still looked blankly, but now also utterly horrified, as were the rest of the waiting room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 372

You deserved it 11 536

03/10/2011 01:34

Today, after reading about seduction techniques, I wore shades and a brightly colored shirt to a club to attract female attention. However, the sunglasses rendered me almost blind, and I tripped over a step, crashed into tables, and thanks to the shirt, everyone saw it happen in glorious technicolor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 130

You deserved it 45 131

19/12/2010 05:14

Today, I found out my girlfriend of four years is legally married to a man in prison. He gets out next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 817

You deserved it 3 870

03/09/2015 16:30

Today, my mom called me a druggie after she found out I smoked weed once. She's now threatening to sell my car, tell my boss, and ban me from seeing my fiancée. I'm 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 177

You deserved it 3 903

13/07/2012 15:19

Today, I finally went to the DMV to replace my lost license. After waiting for almost two hours, I casually rummaged through my purse. Something strange inside the lining caught my eye. It was my license. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 657

You deserved it 27 192

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Top comments

KnightAngela1109 10

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Sunday 27 May 2012 8:41

Look on the bright side....... You just mad some NEW FRIENDS:)YAY!!!

ICastillo 24

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Sunday 27 May 2012 8:42

Dear diary..... Jack pot. Your lucky it wasn't the pedo bear.

Comments

MGSPOP 1

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Sunday 27 May 2012 8:41

Unless OP's friends car and strangers car are relatively the same, I think this is fake.

KnightAngela1109 10

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Sunday 27 May 2012 8:41

Look on the bright side....... You just mad some NEW FRIENDS:)YAY!!!

KairoFallin 0

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Sunday 27 May 2012 8:46

Made*

KnightAngela1109 10

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Sunday 27 May 2012 8:48

^oh butterfingers....Thanks for correcting me though.

KairoFallin 0

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Sunday 27 May 2012 8:50

Hah it's fine, I just felt like being a grammar nazi for once in my life. :P

FMLshark 12

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Sunday 27 May 2012 9:16

Spelling =/= Grammar. Sorry to burst your bubble, but you have yet to be a grammar nazi.

iStrukk 7

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Sunday 27 May 2012 16:05

16- You are probably the dumbest person I have ever met if you think you are a "grammar" nazi for correcting a spelling error. Learn gooder English, Mmmkay?

MrLibya 2

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Sunday 27 May 2012 16:22

72, Learn better English* sick! I'm now a grammar nazi! Hitler! Here I come,

MrLibya 2

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Sunday 27 May 2012 16:26

Sorry I meant a period not a comma at the end :( I'm no grammar nazi....

DrBlack 9

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Sunday 27 May 2012 17:39

Dude I really hope you were taking the piss when you wrote 'gooder'.

kittenvks 11

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Sunday 27 May 2012 23:06

It's sarcasm people, do you seriously not realize that??

ICastillo 24

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Sunday 27 May 2012 8:42

Dear diary..... Jack pot. Your lucky it wasn't the pedo bear.

drarmstrong 8

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Sunday 27 May 2012 9:09

Want some candy? I've got some in my van.

lolfood 24

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Sunday 27 May 2012 10:00

You're*

ICastillo 24

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Sunday 27 May 2012 10:02

Yeah yeah whatever man it happens.

Chad_the_Brony 0

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Sunday 27 May 2012 10:40

It's not *the* Pedo Bear, it's just Pedo Bear. You ain't going to find another bear more Pedo than Pedo bear.

TwitchingNebula 17

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Sunday 27 May 2012 11:34

46, that's exactly why it is THE pedo bear...

ChrisTheCalm 9

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Sunday 27 May 2012 16:29

Why you speak of his name so much? He must not be named.

TheAngryKitten 0

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Sunday 27 May 2012 18:40

Pedobear, pedobear, pedobear. *Poof* "IIIIIIIIIIIIIII I I LOVE LITTLE GIRLS THEY MAKE ME FEEL SO GOOD~"

Infamous_Hawk 6

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 3:58

That awkward moment when there is no candy in the van...

GemmaStyles 14

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Sunday 27 May 2012 8:42

Hah let's hope it wasn't a pedophile, dear x

stalkerstatus101 5

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Sunday 27 May 2012 8:44

If it was s/he wouldnt be writing this FML

TarieBoo 2

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Sunday 27 May 2012 9:11

pedo bear

downtime 12

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Sunday 27 May 2012 11:04

...Uh...where does it say she's a child? Paedophiles aren't really a risk to anyone but children.

8KAGE8 8

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Tuesday 29 May 2012 3:48

Not entirely true

I_Punch_Babies 7

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Sunday 27 May 2012 8:42

all cars look the same because they all have wheels :-

fylx100 19

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Sunday 27 May 2012 9:53

I thumbed you down for your username.

I_Punch_Babies 7

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Sunday 27 May 2012 9:58

thats okay. i thumbed you down cuz you have no sense of humor.

SitOnMyLapNiece 1

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Sunday 27 May 2012 10:00

i did the same to 36.

MineIsBigger 5

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Sunday 27 May 2012 10:01

me too. anyone who thumbs someone down for their username is just a lame ass.

ICastillo 24

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Sunday 27 May 2012 10:09

I thumbed 36 down because who doesn't punch babies?!?

Kenzington1996 1

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Sunday 27 May 2012 10:40

Haha I like the name.

KiddNYC1O 20

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Sunday 27 May 2012 11:03

39- Punched or thumbed down? Please say punched...

SitOnMyLapNiece 1

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Sunday 27 May 2012 11:40

i thumbed 36 down AND punched him.

ChrisTheCalm 9

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Sunday 27 May 2012 16:30

What's the humor in punching harmless infants? You grew up harshly, didn't you?

KiddNYC1O 20

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Sunday 27 May 2012 18:15

You're too calm, Chris.

pokefan813 16

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Sunday 27 May 2012 18:26

77 - Dude lighten up, not everything is to be taken seriously.

Quidikic 9

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Sunday 27 May 2012 18:32

I punched 36 because I like punching babies. *buh dum tssh*

grime 4

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Monday 28 May 2012 0:21

I don't sucker punch, I punch suckers.

rockerlove2013 6

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Monday 28 May 2012 4:05

I thumbed u down cause ur stupid maybe s/he needed a name and was mad at the world so they used tht name im sure tht person does not punch babies #36

trollfaced 2

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Monday 28 May 2012 8:25

109 - I thumbed you down because you killed the combo

trollcrusher 17

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 5:00

"Ur stupid"? Oh, the irony. However, I agree with what you tried to say... If I understood it the way you meant it.

Kitten_love 22

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Monday 2 March 2015 21:17

Falcon punch!

ChrisG93 8

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Sunday 27 May 2012 8:43

So who broke the awkward silence? You or the other person?

NomNomMuffin 5

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Sunday 27 May 2012 8:44

That's always awkward

xoconnie 8

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Sunday 27 May 2012 15:23

^ you say that as if you jump into random cars on a daily basis. you scare me.

ChrisTheCalm 9

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Sunday 27 May 2012 16:32

She scares you? If I could have random girls jump into my car I'd be ecstatic (:

Il_Maestro 6

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Sunday 27 May 2012 18:31

Nah, it's not awkward when I'm trying to jump into random cars and it's accidentally someone I know.

LadyGore 12

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Sunday 27 May 2012 8:45

Pretend its completely normal and demand they take you to McDonalds

NoisyNykkii 10

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Sunday 27 May 2012 9:02

McDonalds? I'd demand they take me to Six Flags! If I'm gonna hitchhike, I might as well make it good!

kegande 0

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Sunday 27 May 2012 9:05

And I want a happy meal with the cool toy! And can we stay so I can play for a while?

Mischief109 11

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Sunday 27 May 2012 16:59

When in doubt, yell "why are we just sitting here?!?!?! GO GO GO!!!" I've done that to my brother-in-law and it freaked him out so he sped off :P

GotBrains 0

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Sunday 27 May 2012 8:46

"so your not my personal driver..? Hmm wierd.."

garrr 0

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Sunday 27 May 2012 9:31

Weird*

Bekll 31

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Sunday 27 May 2012 9:37

33, you missed one: You're*

GotBrains 0

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Sunday 27 May 2012 13:18

Grammar Nazi, are you? Come at me bro!

98rocky 0

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Monday 28 May 2012 7:12

Nice.

CaptNomNom 17

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Sunday 27 May 2012 8:46

Wow. Just wow.