Today, my parents gave me a sock and card for my eighteenth birthday. The card said, "Now that Dobby is free, get out." FML
Today, I texted my college boyfriend to tell him how terrible I felt about cheating. He replied saying he was so relieved because he had been cheating on me with a girl in his dorm. I was talking about my math exam. FML
Today, I was making out with this guy that I like. In an attempt to be romantic, he tried to pick me up and press me against the wall. He couldn't lift me off the ground. FML
Today, I woke up to a mosquito feeding on my morning wood; probably the only thing that will ever suck my penis. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me I looked pretty. I said, "Aww, that's the first time you've said that to me." He replied, "Well, it's the first time you've looked pretty." FML
Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that fist pumping during sex is not romantic. FML
Today, I shat out a staple. FML
Today, I spent fifteen minutes looking for my phone in my car before I realized I was using it as a flashlight. FML
Today, I dreamed that I was making out with a cute girl. Just as I was about to take it to the next level, she suddenly burst into tears and said, "I'm sorry, I can't do this." I can't even get laid in my dreams. FML
Today, a car hit me while I was on a crosswalk. The driver jumped out of her car and stepped over me to check her car for damage. FML
Today, my son's homework was to write a story about what he wants to be when he grows up. He wrote that he plans on being unemployed and living at home until we throw him out, then he'll live under a bridge. He's only 12, but already planning for a future as an unemployed bum. FML
Today, I saw myself on the news. I was one of the random passers by they had filmed for their story on the "Fat Epidemic." FML
Today, I was giving a talk in class, when halfway through someone pointed out that my pubes were sticking out my trousers. FML
Today, I had to clean up after the kid who discovered he could finger paint with his poo. FML
Today, I realized that the place that my brothers and I would find soggy balloons and blow them up when we were younger is where the prostitutes take their clients. We were blowing up used condoms for a good part of our childhood. FML
Today, while at the beach, my little brother's hat blew off. I chased after it before I completely lost sight and realized I was no match for the wind. I get back and he's wearing the hat. I chased a fucking trash bag for a mile thinking it was his hat. FML
Today, as my girlfriend and I were on a romantic dinner for two, I tried pulling out the chair for her. She fell over. FML
Today, my boyfriend admitted that the only reason he remembers my eye color is because it's the same shade of his shit after he's had a salad. FML
Today, I discovered that the word 'randy' means 'horny' in England. I'm going to England next semester to study abroad. My name is Randy. FML
Today, I went to the doctor's thinking I had a UTI. Turns out I have an STD. FML
Today, while having sex, my girlfriend suddenly broke down and started crying. Apparently, when I'm horny, my face reminds her of her dead dog. FML
Today, I was on Skype with the guy I like. After a while of being on Facebook I forgot I was on webcam to him and started picking my nose. He ended the call. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me there was good news and bad news. Bad news: she's pregnant. Good news: I'm probably not the father. FML
Today, I left my empty shower running so I could pretend I didn't still live alone. FML
Today, I was on a date. I noticed he kept looking at my lips. Thinking he wanted to kiss me, I leaned in closer. Disgusted, he pulled away and said, "I'm sorry, but that pimple on your chin is, like, staring at me or something." FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that he feels empty inside when I'm not in the kitchen. This is the most romantic thing he has said to me in the past two years. FML
Today, this girl I liked made her Facebook status "Nobody texts me anymore, message me numbers?" I commented that I texted her. She deleted it and changed it to "Nobody that I care about texts me anymore, message me numbers?" FML
Today, my wife posted on Facebook, "FUCK THA POLICE!" She got 40 likes. I'm a police officer. FML
Today, while in the middle of giving my husband a blow job, I looked up to see him staring into space and vigorously picking his nose. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were watching a movie and eating a burger. Feeling frisky, I sat up and took off my shirt. He looked at my chest, at his burger, then back at me and said, "Give me a minute, I don't want my food to get cold." FML
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