Today, at Burger King, I had to go to the bathroom. Two ketchup packets were under the seat and exploded on my legs and pants when I sat down. FML
Today, I got very drunk after being fired from my job. In my depressed, intoxicated state, I posted my facebook status as 'Goodbye world'. The only response was from my dad saying 'cya'. His comment got 29 likes. FML
Today, my son stuck coins in our DVD player. It would be cute if he wasn't 25. FML
Today, someone in my class wrote "Erase me if you can!" at the very top of the board, as I am always tormented about how short I am compared to everyone else. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't reach it. I'm the teacher. FML
Today, I was outside, eating a sandwich, when I noticed a homeless man was standing in front of me. Upon making eye contact, he grabbed the rest of my sandwich and ran off. FML
Today, I cleaned my entire apartment hoping to find the source of the terrible odor I've been smelling for the past week. It's me. FML
Today, whilst nibbling on my husband's ear, I swallowed a lump of his earwax. FML
Today, I caught my mom eating cat biscuits. We don't have a cat. FML
Today, I was at the grocery store when an elderly woman walked up to me and said, "Why can't every guy be as handsome as you?" I would have been flattered by the comment, if I was a guy. FML
Today, while enjoying a nice dinner out, I observed a homeless man giggling hysterically to himself while wiping boogers on my bike seat and handlebars. FML
Today, I finally got the courage to talk to a guy I secretly like. I was so nervous that instead of saying, "Hi, I'm Veronica," I said, "Veronica, I'm high." FML
Today, my cat took a shit in my toaster. FML
Today, my manager told me to throw out some of the old toys at the daycare we work at. I can't because I've seen Toy Story 3, and thinking about them in a dump makes me cry. I'm 28. FML
Today, I played Angry Birds for two hours. I got so into the game, I failed to remember that I was sitting on a public toilet. I only realized this when the janitor came to check on me. FML
Today, I lied to my diary about my weight. FML
Today, I woke my husband up at 2 a.m., screaming that there was a badger in our bedroom. We both screamed for a bit until he finally said, "What are we screaming about!?" I took a second look at the badger, and realized it was my four-year-old daughter with her blanket. FML
Today, I thought I heard someone shifting around in my house. I froze in fear and then I heard it again. I thought I was hearing things until I realized that it wasn't an intruder in my home. The shifting noise was my thighs rubbing together when I walked. FML
Today, I woke up so pissed off that I yelled at my cereal. FML
Today, I was taking a dump and I pushed so hard that I got light headed and passed out on the floor. FML
Today, I ran out of breath while mowing the lawn. I was on a riding lawn mower. FML
Today, I let my new puppy outside for the first time. When I went to get him, I saw a man running off with him. FML
Today, I was sitting next to a lady on an airplane who was very overweight. She fell asleep on me, and violently bled from her nose upon take off and landing. FML
Today, my daughter told me that my head is shaped like a kidney bean and that I'm lucky she even talks to me in public. She's 6. FML
Today, as I was going to bed, I spotted a man staring at my window from a neighbor's yard. Ten minutes later, he was still there. I freaked out, started crying, and contemplated calling the cops. My creeper turned out to be the neighbor's wooden lawn ornament. FML
Today, while working as a cashier at McDonald's, a man came in telling me that he had not received his hamburger. I looked at his receipt and the date said 11/17/09. FML
Today, I was woken up by my step brother trying to put his tongue in my mouth. FML
Today, whenever I do something that the kid I am babysitting likes, he pats me on the head and says "good girl". I'm whipped by a seven year old. FML
Today, I got a complaint from my neighbor about a little girl staring at her through my guest bedroom window for the past month. I live alone. Now I'm scared to live in my own house. FML
Today, I found my husband Googling Morse Code. He thinks his farts are trying to communicate with him. FML
Today, my mom and I had a fight in the car over who farted. The result? She wanted to smell my underwear when we got home, to prove it was me. FML
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