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Today, I bit my boyfriend's neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML
Today, a cat came up to me on the pavement so I petted it a little. An elderly man rode past on his bicycle and shouted, "I'd like to stroke your pussy too!" FML
Today, my manager sent me a text message with a picture of Santa masturbating, with a message that said he wished me a white Christmas. FML
Today, some girl punched me in the face and left a huge purple bruise. Apparently, her boyfriend has been cheating on her with me, because she always sees him walking me home. Her boyfriend is my older brother, who didn't bother telling her who I was, because he "wanted to see what she would do." FML
Today, I found out that the plant in my kitchen that I have been watering for almost 2 years is fake. FML
Today, was very chilly. My little sister felt sorry for my two goldfish swimming in the cold water. She decided to put them in hot water. They died. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of my dad constantly hitting on her. Not because she was disgusted, but because she wants to date him. FML
Today, at my school, the student council is trying to raise $5000 for Haiti. They are doing so by playing the song from High School Musical in the hallways and cafeteria everyday until they get the money. FML
Today, I realized that my ex-girlfriend has gone further with a girl than I have. FML
Today, my boss screamed at me for almost an hour because, apparently, I hurt my coworker's feelings when I stopped speaking to her after finding out that she was sleeping with my boyfriend. FML
Today, after having been a vegetarian for 8 years because I'm opposed to cruelty to animals, I lost a bet and had to eat a whole cheeseburger. I loved it. FML
Today, my sister asked me if any of my family members had commented on my recent weight gain. I told her, "No, not really." Her reply? "They must just being saying it behind your back then." FML
Today, I was standing in a queue when an old lady turned, looked straight at me, and asked me to hold her bag. Confused, I took a hold of it. She started screaming for help claiming I was stealing her shopping. Turns out, she was talking to her husband behind me. FML
Today, I met a guy online, and I realized the cybersex I had with him was better than the sex I get from my boyfriend. FML
Today, I asked my girlfriend why she can't treat me like the way I treat her. She said, "because you love me more than I love you." FML
Today, I lied to the treadmill about my weight. FML
Today, I was working as a clown (Pennywise) in a haunted maze. A bunch of drunk guys came in and started breaking props. I decided to stay still and follow through with the scare. I ended up getting kicked in a very sensitive area. The security guard just laughed. FML
Today, I laughed so hard my milk went out my nose in front of the boy I liked. Then, since I was laughing so hard about that, I accidentally farted. FML
Today, I found out that my girlfriend of one week is suicidal and crazy about me. She showed me that she'd carved her old boyfriend's name in her arm, and she threatened suicide if I ever left her. FML
Today, my son learned about various animals in school, and how they urinate to mark their territory. Apparently, the entire second floor of my house is now my son's territory. FML
Today, I found out the love of my life, my husband, is cheating on me. When I confronted him about it, his response was, "Don't blame me, you're the gullible bitch." FML
Today, my wife told me that she wants a divorce. Apparently, I'm taking too long to forgive her for having an affair. FML
Today, my dad and I had an argument. Then we went outside to shovel the snow out of the driveway. I heard him yelling and figured he was just yelling at me some more, so I turned my iPod up so I couldn't hear him anymore. Turns out he had fallen, cracked a rib, and needed help up. FML
Today, I hung out with my boyfriend for the first time in two weeks. We were cuddling on the couch when he suddenly stands up. I thought he was going to hug me, but then he turned around, pinned my shoulders back so I couldn't move, and farted in my face. FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. Its was pretty good and heavy and she was moaning nicely. Then her moans got softer and softer and then nothing. She fell asleep. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I broke up. The reason? She slept with four men while I was two weeks away visiting my brother. She told me it was because she missed me so much. FML
Today, after ten minutes of squishing my boobs together for my boyfriend, trying to get him to stare, he glanced at them then blankly said "I've seen better tits on my mom, so baby just stop that" and smiled. FML
Today, I found out I'm being sued by the man whose life I practically saved a month ago. He says the way I pulled him out of the car he was trapped in has left him with permanent back problems. FML
Today, I found my favorite stuffed animal I had as a child in the trash bin. I took it out to find that it felt wet and smelt funny. Apparently, my younger brother cut a hole in the butt of it and used it to masturbate. FML
Today, I put an anonymous note under my neighbour's door asking them to not have sex so loudly during the day. Since then, I haven't heard any sex. Unfortunately, I have heard a woman crying loudly because she just found out about her husband's affair. FML
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