Today, I woke up to a really cold feeling down below. I opened my eyes and saw my girlfriend grinning like a maniac and holding my crotch-sausage between two scissor blades. I screamed in terror like a little bitch, and she says I'm never gonna live this down. FML
Today, it was snowing, and the campus looked just lovely. I sat on a nearby window ledge to enjoy the view. I was joined by a girl who looked fascinated as well, so I decided to make small talk. She nodded, smiled wistfully, and said, "There's herpes in the air today." FML
Today, I came home earlier than usual, only to find my wife having sex with some guy on our bed. Her reaction to being confronted was to look me dead in the eyes and to scream and scream until I got so freaked out that I left. It's her house, and I'm sitting in a library with no idea what to do. FML
Today, my boyfriend figured out that he can bounce small things off of my boobs, and has been doing it every time I look away. FML
Today, I had to collect my daughter from the hospital. Her boyfriend was even more upset than she was, because his iPhone's screen was damaged beyond repair when the doctor pulled it out of my daughter's vagina. FML
Today, after a surprise candlelit dinner and a two bottles of wine for my birthday, my boyfriend and I decided to take a sexy shower together. It ended with us both drunk, naked, and crying, wedged into a small tub together, talking about our dead pets. FML
Today, I got a lecture about being lazy and not being active enough for my age, which ended with, "When I was your age, I was out every night having sex with anything that breathed." Thanks Gran. FML
Today, I volunteered at a soup kitchen. During the rounds, a grisly but nice young fellow told me that I had beautiful eyes. I was quite touched; that is until he leaned in and added, "Can I have them for my collection?" FML
Today, a homeless man tried to sell me a "magic, one-finger glove". It was a used condom. FML
Today, in an attempt to be sexy, my boyfriend picked me up and threw me down onto the bed. I fell straight through it. FML
Today, my boyfriend actually held onto my love handles while we were having sex. He said they "made it easier." FML
Today, after completely refilling my almost empty gas tank, I witnessed the price flip from $3.69 per gallon to $3.59. FML
Today, my laptop got hit by a Trojan. Not the malware, but a used condom thrown from a car driving past as I sat on a street bench. FML
Today, I woke up with a used condom on my face. Turns out my roommate had sex with his girlfriend during the night and instead of getting up and throwing it away, he decided to throw it across the room. FML
Today, I found out that the landscaper my wife hired on my behalf wasn't kidding when he said he was going to trim my wife's bush. FML
Today, I yet again had to explain to my boyfriend that, yes, I can get pregnant even if I don't actually have an orgasm. FML
Today, I woke up with a wax strip on my chest and my girlfriend sitting next to me on the bed laughing. She pulled the strip. I screamed. FML
Today, just as I was about to orgasm, my boyfriend whispered, "Cum, my preciousssss" into my ear, in his scarily accurate Gollum voice. I think my clitoris just about withered away in despair. FML
Today, at work, I was screamed at and slapped by a woman for supposedly violating her 2nd Amendment rights. In reality, I'd simply turned her away from the 10 items or less line because she had well over the allowed number of items. I've no fucking idea what's wrong with some people. FML
Today, I tried channeling Mr. Miyagi by catching a fly with my bare hands. It turned out to be a wasp. FML
Today, I got a mosquito bite on my chest. Due to a severe allergic reaction it has swollen my left breast a cup size. The first thing my boyfriend said was, "Hey look! I can finally see one of them." FML
Today, my grandma's new dildo arrived in the mail. We buried her yesterday. FML
Today, a man stopped me on the street. He said the stretch marks on my thighs looked like cuts, and asked me if I self-harmed. Before I was able to politely respond "No", he said, "I mean, I can see why you would." FML
Today, my fiancée called off our wedding, because she found out I had sex with another woman. Three years before we even met. FML
Today, my boyfriend called me a selfish bitch and dumped me after I told him I'm planning on getting much-needed breast reduction surgery. FML
Today, I'm moving from Arizona to Washington State with my 2 cats in my car. I've only just left and just learned that one cat gets carsick and the other stress farts. Only 956 more miles to go. FML
Today, I walked in on my brother shaving his nuts, all while giggling like a maniac and seemingly high out of his mind. FML
Today, my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was only able to achieve erections because I looked like a man. FML
Today, a grasshopper jumped into my car. As my boyfriend swiped at it, the grasshopper jumped onto my chest and into my shirt. Instead of helping me get it out, my boyfriend leaned back and said, "It got to second base faster than I did." FML
Today, I had to scream for my dad to come help me, after I got my hair caught in a fan while trying to make the Darth Vader voice. FML
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