Today, I saw a pregnant woman fall off her moped. As I helped her back up, I asked if her baby was okay. I was then blindsided by her brick of a purse while she screeched, "I'm not pregnant!" FML
Today, at work, an elderly lady came up to the cash register with a flyer in her hand, and asked if we had a certain item. I told her we did not have any left, and we would be getting more next week and if she wanted, I could give her a rain check. She hit me in the face with her purse. FML
Today, I got so nervous that I actually peed my pants during a job interview. FML
Today, while driving home with my boyfriend, we started discussing how clean our driving records were. I was boasting about how I'd never been in an accident when I hit a moose. FML
Today, my boyfriend sent me a picture of his morning dump because it was heart-shaped. FML
Today, I spent an hour deleting 70 of my status posts from the past week so I don't look so addicted to Facebook. Damn, I need a life. FML
Today, I got mugged by a midget. FML
Today, I freaked out when the remote wouldn't unlock my car. I stood in the rain trying to open the door. Unsure of what to do next, I called my boyfriend. He told me to "put the key in the door…" I'd forgotten about that option. FML
Today, while trying on clothes in Macy's, someone decided to throw some shoes over the wall and into my changing stall. I now have a black eye. FML
Today, I spent fifteen minutes looking for my phone in my car before I realized I was using it as a flashlight. FML
Today, I dreamed that I was making out with a cute girl. Just as I was about to take it to the next level, she suddenly burst into tears and said, "I'm sorry, I can't do this." I can't even get laid in my dreams. FML
Today, while at the beach, I was mistaken for Snooki. FML
Today, I woke up to my pants off and my vibrator still on. I fell asleep masturbating. FML
Today, the only thing that managed to get me out of bed was scrambling to watch my neighbours have a screaming match in the middle of our street, about which one of their brain-dead kids spray-painted "CUNT FLAPS" and a rudimentary knob on the communal garage door. FML
Today, I was at the airport. A creepy man smiled at me, so I politely smiled back. I then realized his shirt said "Smile if you take it in the ass." He then winked at me and walked off. FML
Today, I was texting my boyfriend. He continued to tell me how he had to piss. We carried on this conversation for about 10 minutes, then I realized that was the most interesting conversation I have had with him in weeks. FML
Today, my house got broken into. Thankfully, they didn't steal anything. They did, however, move things around into strange places and mess up my underwear. I have severe OCD, so this is probably worse than if they had taken everything. FML
Today, my house got watermeloned. Not egged, watermeloned. FML
Today, my mum gave me half-raw chicken for dinner. After she refused to cook it again, I threw it away saying that I didn't want to get salmonella. She told to be more grateful, and that I was an idiot for trying to use salmonella as an excuse because, "It's chicken, not salmon." FML
Today, my dad yelled at me for buying chunky peanut butter. He wanted smooth. Apparently he's "allergic to peanuts." I had to explain to him why his argument made no sense. FML
Today, I needed to buy a new crash helmet. I went to the motorbike shop and saw one I liked the look of. It was a bit of a tight fit, and I got my head stuck in it. I had to get the guy behind the counter to help me pull it off. My ears are still numb. FML
Today, my recently ex-girlfriend's mother called me regarding her baby girl, saying, "If you mess with the chicklet, you mess with the momma hen." I have no idea what the hell this means for my future, but I'm a bit scared. FML
Today, I went to a dinner party. I had a bad stomach, so I made a dash to the bathroom and forgot to lock the door. While I was in, I heard some voices outside. In a panic, my reflex was to get up and lock the door. I did so, while simultaneously shitting all over myself. FML
Today, a neighbor came by while I was cooking. She asked for some of my cheese, so I gave her a big slice and told her I only had cheddar. She angrily refused to accept the slice, and made her way to my fridge. She then yelled at me for not having an assortment of cheeses. FML
Today, after having spent days working on it, I finished off a really elaborate seasonal greetings card for my boss. When I gave it to him, he took one look at it, flicked it in his trash can and said, "Fuck off, Steve." So much for a Christmas bonus. FML
Today, my sister's boyfriend said the only thing he'd change about her was her last name. My boyfriend told me he'd change the shape of my nose. FML
Today, my landlord came to my apartment because of complaints from my neighbors, saying that animals are not allowed inside. Turns out my roommate makes cat-noises when she's bored. My landlord still doesn't believe me. FML
Today, my crush grabbed my butt while I was walking up the stairs. In surprise I farted. He won't even look me in the eyes now. FML
Today, after having a naked wrestle with my boyfriend, I discovered he'd left a skidmark on my stomach. FML
Today, I broke my wrist when I got into a disagreement with a horse. FML
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