Today, in my 20s, I was so proud that I could squirt and that it tasted sweet, until a one-night-stand told me to get some blood tests. Long story short, I no longer have type 2 diabetes but my squirt tastes like piss. FML
Today, I spent the morning cleaning before my prim and proper new friend came over. Just as she was supposed to arrive to marvel at my spotless apartment, I knocked a full mug of coffee onto the freshly vacuumed rug. We spent the first 20 minutes of our time together trying to get the fucking stain out, and I was sweating buckets until she left. FML
Today, my wife caught me crying over her miscarriage and she started yelling and screaming at me to "man up" because she should be the sad one, not me. FML
Today, I spent my lunch break helping a coworker move a desk to another office. When I got back, my own desk had been moved to make room for someone new. Nobody had told me where they’d put it. FML
Today, I finally confronted my mom for robbing me of my inheritance from my dad. Apparently she was justified in taking it because she "needed it to raise me" and "to keep a roof over our heads" as I was growing up. As a result, I'm an adult with no nest egg whatsoever. FML
Today, I had a big fight with my husband. We'd made a plan for our vacation and I stuck to the plan. He screamed at me for sticking to the plan. When I pointed out that he made the plan, he shouted at me some more because I'd "spoiled the vacation." Later, he asked if I was hungry. No apology. No acknowledgement. FML
Today, my 20 year-old self, who works shift work, learned by accident that my 14 year-old brother has been using my toothbrush for the past 6+ months. I wouldn't have known due to my schedule until just now when I found it was wet. He admitted it, but was upset with me for using HIS toothbrush. It has my name on it. FML
Today, 40-something year-old man hit on me at the mall (I'm 14), then told me that ladies needed to dress like ladies after I made a joke to my friend about wanting to wear jeans to homecoming. I'm not a girl btw. FML
Today, it's my birthday. After I chose a restaurant, made a reservation, and organised a babysitter, I've been sitting here alone for over an hour, still waiting for my husband to show up. FML
Today, I finally finished building my own custom TV stand that would work in my small living room with brick walls. Now I can't find the remote. Anywhere. FML
Today, I shaved my armpit hair. After growing it for so long, it's gone. FML
Today, I'm on the J train in Brooklyn NY and we are dead-stop in the middle of the track between stations because someone is literally on the track ahead of us. NYPD is handling it, and the train conductor said, “We hope to be moving ‘eventually’…” I love NYC. FML
Today, I had to reluctantly break the news to my kids that we're not going to be able to go to my dad's funeral because he lived on the other side of the country, and we just can't afford to travel. Let's just say I have a bruise on my arm because they did not take the news well at all. FML
Today, I admitted to my friend that after having my first son, I have a completely different kind of love for him, as opposed to what I feel for my two daughters. In response, she scoffed and muttered, "'Boy moms' are never beating the allegations!" FML
Today, I took my dog to the groomer's and asked them to trim just a little fur and floof around his eyes. When I collected him, he looked completely different. Apparently, “just a little” means something different to everyone. I'm not even sure it's the same dog, he looks like a baffled rat. FML
Today, it's been two weeks since I quit smoking weed. It's not horrible, the digestive issues from the withdrawal have stopped and I have started dreaming again. Sadly all my dreams are horrific nightmares that wake me in a cold sweat. FML
Today, I asked my husband if he could please get the kids up and ready for school, since I’d been up all night with the stomach flu from hell. He said no, that he was too tired because my getting up all night kept him awake. I’m so weak from dehydration and exhaustion I can barely move. FML
Today, my husband complained that the kids are more attached to me than they are to him. Let’s see: I do all the housework, school activities, doctor and dentist appointments, extracurriculars, and cook dinner every night. What does he do? He works so he thinks we should all exalt him. FML
Today, I think my new girlfriend has a “man cleaning the house” fetish because when she saw me doing laundry for the first time at her house, she thanked me, then did porno type stuff to me in the living room. She now keeps asking to watch me clean naked, which I don’t find sexy at all. FML
Today, most people’s girlfriends get drunk and text nonsense. My girlfriend gets drunk and texts massive spoilers to books, shows, and movies I haven’t read or seen yet. FML
Today, I'm a game dev with hardly any money at the moment, and I got offered to sell my game's source code for a fat stack of cash to train AI models. I refused because I don't want to be replaced, but I feel bad because I'm still poor af. FML
Today, security had to break up a fist fight in the labor & delivery unit. After giving birth, my roommate was attacked by the baby daddy’s wife. However, a second man was also there and started fighting the couple. It was a total melee so I grabbed both babies and hid in the bathroom. FML
Today, my agent sent me an e-mail to tell me how many of my novel, I*** T** S****, I have sold. In the one year that it has been published, I have managed to sell one. That's right. ONE. FML
Today, I got my period for the first time in two months. I got massive gender dysphoria and contemplated jumping off a bridge. I went to something very important and upon sitting up, I let out a massive fart and started bleeding heavier. FML
Today, a guy at my community center screamed and swore at me that I was lying about being a "professional hacker" because I didn't have Linux on my laptop. He then demanded that he teach me how to code. He's in his thirties and genuinely doesn't know what a computer lab is, or what uploading is. FML
Today, at work, this 23 year-old girl told everyone she has a huge crush on me. I'm in my mid-30s and this girl has autism but she functions normally. The thing is she looks 12 and I don't date or talk to anyone I work with in that way. FML
Today, I am in a relationship. I recently got out of a decade-long relationship and was looking forward to dating, looking around, and meeting new people. I managed 3 weeks on the apps before I had to choose one of those I met, or lose them all. I guess it's good to meet 3 great women in a short time, but… FML
Today, do you know those stories of kittens running up to you in public and choosing you as their human, so you get them vet treatment, hand raise them yourself and they love you forever? Yeah, not with mine. He’s one year old now and a total asshole who bites me at least once a day. FML
Today, I went on a first date and tried to make a good impression by ordering something I'd never eaten before. It was a whole fish. I spent the next twenty minutes trying to figure out how to eat it without looking clueless. My date had ordered chicken nuggets. FML
Today, I've been waiting months for the release of the new Zelda game that I've waited YEARS for them to make. Go figure, I'm approaching 40, have committed to a fuck-ton of adult obligations, and now won't have any time to actually sit down and play it when it finally comes out. I don't even have kids! FML
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