Today, I went through another breakup. This will be my fourth in two years. None of them could handle or accept that I'm still best friends with my ex-husband, who is actually gay. FML
Today, my cousin mentioned having back pain and since I’m a chiropractor, I offered to help him. He gave me a horrified look and said, “Fuck no, I’m not letting you turn me into the next Jonathan Buckelew.” FML
Today, my girlfriend tried to forbid me from going to see my new baby cousin at the hospital. She’s convinced that I’m secretly trying to go see some nonexistent love child with another woman. When I asked her to come with me, my aunt said no because she hates my girlfriend’s attitude. FML
Today, I went to the Cheesecake Factory and treated myself to an appetizer, an entree, a dessert, and some cocktails. The bill was higher than I expected and I was $50 short. I faked having a food allergy and had the staff call 911 so they could take me to the hospital, so I would get out of paying. It worked. FML
Today, the cat I rescued out of the rain unexpectedly gave birth under my couch. Realistically, I know there’s no way to keep six cats but every time I think about separating the babies from their mom and litter-mates, I sob uncontrollably to the point of hyperventilating. FML
Today, my boyfriend zoned out and stopped listening while I was trying to talk to him about his zoning out not listening to me. He insists I absolutely never told him today was my uncle's funeral, swears blind I never told him, even though the reason he booked today off work was for the funeral. FML
Today, my boyfriend got his ex pregnant. The same ex that he still lived with because he “wanted to wait until the lease is up.” He “swore to God” he didn’t see her romantically anymore. I feel dumb for giving him the benefit of the doubt. FML
Today, I told my wife not to open the front door because I was fixing something, and she said OK. I cannot stress enough that she said OK. She then OPENED THE DOOR to ask, “What are you fixing?” and tipped over my ladder, dropping me into the road, where a car ran over my hand and broke 3 fingers. FML
Today, I finally worked up the courage to ask my neighbour if she'd like to get coffee sometime. She smiled and said she'd love to. We picked a day, and I went home feeling great. Later, she texted to ask if I could also feed her cat while she was away that week. FML
Today, my mother-in-law went ballistic for me letting my kids watch the Ladybug and Cat Noir movie, because there is one black spot on Ladybug's costume positioned to look like a patch of pubic hair, and is therefore inappropriate for children. It’s a cartoon about superheroes, FFS. FML
Today, I learned that due to a security incident my favourite fanfiction website will be down for two weeks, possibly four. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after ten months. Why? She found out I didn't vote. Apparently that means I don't care about "her rights" and that's "a dealbreaker." Crazy bitch. FML
Today, I have stingy, wealthy parents who have a martyr complex. They don't wear any new clothes, even if they have a lot, just to portray that they are "suffering." They throw all their money at religious cults and refuse to spend anything for me or my sister. A life full of hand-me-downs has led to low self esteem. FML
Today, my son was getting jumped by four boys. My daughter came outta nowhere like freakin John Cena and started rag dolling those little punks. Instead of being thankful and grateful that his sister saved his ass, he decided to complain that she made him look like weak. FML
Today, I know people at work dislike me. I can tell. I want to quit like my other coworker but I can't yet. Perhaps they'll fire me in the future. FML
Today, I was pricing cremations because I have terminal cancer. I learned that because I'm fat, they are going to charge me more. Even on my way out I'm being fat shamed. FML
Today, my husband will not stop fighting our divorce, even though he came out as gay. He insists that we can still be married and a family, and that I'm giving up. FML
Today, I'm being shamed like crazy for allowing my children to celebrate Halloween, even though I'm a Christian, to the point that I can't ignore it. What's wrong with kids having an imagination? FML
Today, I asked a guy what the girl who I'm crushing on thought of me. He said, "She thinks you're harmless." I was thrilled and said, "Yes!" He then said, "Dude, that's not a good thing, like, at all, unless you wanna go shopping with her and hear about the guys she fucks." FML
Today, my ex casually mentioned that, during our relationship, she started stupid fights over nothing, hoping I would lose my temper and angry-fuck her. She added, "Most guys figure that out pretty quick, I guess you're just slow." FML
Today, I found it funny that if a 35 year-old man was spending time with a 14 year-old girl, everyone would lose their minds, but a 35 year-old man spending time with a 14 year-old boy is A-OK, and I'm a disgusting bigot for asking questions. The boy is my little brother and I'm worried sick about him. FML
Today, my family told me I'm going to have to sit at the kids' table at Thanksgiving, even though I'm 34 years-old with a career, wife, and four amazing stepsons. FML
Today, I surprised my wife with some new lingerie for our upcoming anniversary, thinking she would like it. Instead of a thank you, I got an ungrateful attitude from her instead. FML
Today, I was in hospital after surgery when someone’s little brat came wandering into my room like a mini hurricane and all I could do was lie there trying desperately to call for a nurse as he ate my snacks, knocked over my books, went through my bag, etc. If I can sue his parents, I will. FML
Today, I found out that my dad has a massive number of kids he doesn't know about, some of them have hooked up, and it is a serious possibility that I've slept with one of my half-sisters unintentionally. FML
Today, I thought my boyfriend was normal until we flew abroad to meet his family. He got in a fist fight with his brother, which their mother told me is just how they get along, and that I’d get used to it. Minutes later they were laughing, icing their bruises and sharing beers. Totally normal, right? FML
Today, I’m supposed to be proposing to my girlfriend in an hour, but my stupid, air-headed bitch sister found the ring, tried it on, took photos of her wearing it for her social media, then got on a plane to go on her girly holiday, but never took the ring off. The bitch thinks it’s funny. FML
Today, me and my husband have been trying to get pregnant for so long that we have gone from, “Yay, sex everyday!” to “Damn, the schedule says we need to have sex again.” We don’t even really undress anymore, we just move clothes aside so the appropriate body parts are exposed. FML
Today, my girlfriend of 3 months said she was going to do the dishes, so I said I’d do the bins and mop the floor once I was at my games checkpoint in 30 seconds. She completely blew up at me for “never helping around here” when I literally just said I’d mop the floor in 30 seconds. FML
Today, my husband said early in the day that he wanted to cook dinner. When he decided it was time to cook, he apparently put some meat on the grill. I didn't know he'd started dinner. He does this every time he "cooks" and gets mad every time I haven't prepared the rest of the meal. FML
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