Today, I was dry-walling a house when my butt started to itch. I bent over to scratch it on a piece of plywood, at which point the client's wife walked in and asked what the fuck I was doing. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I felt an itch on my butt so I went to the bathroom to scratch it. It was actually a dried layer of skin that broke from years of wear and tear, and now every time I shit I feel immense pain for the next hour. FML
Today, my thigh was itchy, so I went into a bathroom stall to scratch it. I, for some reason, moaned out loud while doing it. After that, the men's bathroom went completely silent. FML
Today, I was in a shopping center when I went to the toilet. I came out, washed my hands and suddenly got a massive itch in my crotch. Without thinking I itched it. I then had to walk around the center with a wet hand print on my crotch. FML
Today, my patient had her call bell on. When I went to see what she needed, she replied that she was very itchy and could not reach to scratch the itch. I basically got called in to scratch my patient's crotch. FML
Today, at work, I wet my pants. I had to throw my tighty-whities away. Since I didn't have underwear on, I chafed real bad and got a rash on my butthole and near my balls. I had to push my boyfriend off of me, all because it hurt too much to touch. FML
Today, I had an unbearable itch on my foot that I could not make go away with my nails, so I grabbed the stapler in my drawer to scratch it with. Bad idea. FML
Today, my husband actually was cleaning our bathrooms. I had to pee and the floor was wet in my upstairs bathroom. My wonderful husband told me to go downstairs. I did and sat on the toilet seat which felt wet. He forgot he had sprayed it with Tilex. Chemical burns on your butt are great. FML
Today, I woke up with an extremely irritable rash around my crotch. I didn't want to full out itch it by putting my hands down my pants, so I itched it by putting my hand in my pockets. I got kicked off the train for "pleasuring myself in public." FML
Today, after a particularly nasty shit, I decided to do one extra pass with a diaper wipe. What I didn't realize was that my wife had refilled the normal container with a pack of Clorox wipes by mistake. My asshole has never burned so fiercely in my 30+ years of life as it did in those following moments. FML
Today, my husband caught me scratching my armpit with his beard brush. Just last week I swore that I never touch it. FML
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Top comments
Superflyshyguy 0
"Up until I was 18, I thought you only had to wipe once after taking a dump. I just figured an itchy butt and brown underwear streaks were a part of life." -Thad Cassel.
Trace01m 11
Maybe just reach back and scratch your ass.. I think it would be much more effort to use plywood..
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Comments (60)
Zmeilerr 22
And then, she makes him leave. AND, he possibly gets yelled at by his boss and fired. Nice logic, fucktard. Think before you speak.
Zmeilerr 22
And then, she makes him leave. AND, he possibly gets yelled at by his boss and fired. Nice logic, fucktard. Think before you speak.
jonathanargueta 1
Third times a charm.
fgh_fml 0
hard to get that splinter out lol
CabZ_fml 0
did you get it in with the client's wife? ;)
RebeccaP2010 0
LOL I have a major crack in my iPhone screen, so I thought it said, "I was dry-humping my house when my butt started to itch..." lmao
taka3000000o 8
Holy shit I wish the fml was like this
bozazitz 0
loooooooool
DinoRawwr8 2
in the butt
SailorLove 4
you should have said "I have an ass itch bitch! what of it?!" wtf is her problem. obviously people don't scratch their asses in her home.
OctoberRainfall 13
******* weirdo
onorexveritas 24
xD wow