By prettyconstipated - 9/3/2021 14:02

Weird compliment, but OK

Today, while buying laxatives at a store, the cashier loudly declared that I'm "too pretty" to be constipated. What? FML

I agree, your life sucks

921

Weird

Dangling modifier

The one with the asshole friend

No-life

By selena5112 - Norway - Troms?

Today, my mum got the idea of switching to a different dishwashing detergent. The new one is so strong that it coats all the dishes in a nauseating perfume-like smell. It's so pungent that it gets absorbed into everything we eat or drink. She's determined to use up the entire bottle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29089

You deserved it

2309

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By lk07

Today, I got severe diarrhea in a public bathroom. I told my 6-year-old to stand directly outside the stall where I can see her shoes. She proceeded to inform everyone who came in that "Mommy has diarrhea." FML

I agree, your life sucks

2656

You deserved it

309

Favorite

By Andrew - United States

Today, I was watching TV with my grandpa, and he stopped flipping channels on a movie with a hot naked chick getting oiled down. Suddenly the remote landed on my stomach as my mom and grandma walked in. They yelled at me for being a pervert for an hour, while my grandpa sat and chuckled. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41151

You deserved it

4566

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By Embarresedguy - United States

Today, I woke up and decided to get the morning paper, I went outside with my bath robe on and when I leaned down to get my paper my bath robe came undone. Apparently everyone on my street saw it and decided to bring up public nudity at the next neighborhood meeting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38562

You deserved it

9706

Favorite

By lambeaster - United States - Washington

Today, I accidentally let out a silent but obscenely deadly fart in the doctor's waiting room. It was so foul that a woman got insanely pissed at her kid because she thought he'd shat his pants again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21730

You deserved it

3676

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By Matthew - 10/3/2021 00:30

Wrong place, wrong time

Today, I awoke with a swollen, painful testicle. I called the ambulance and went to the hospital. After they'd done an ultrasound, it's a bad infection. My nurse was someone I used to know and had a major crush on. She's responsible for checking my testicle every 20 minutes when she checks my heart rate. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1015

You deserved it

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my hateful mother-in-law showed up unexpectedly. I faked taking a phone call so the bitter old hag would leave me alone. She then pulled out her phone, called my number, and glared at me as my phone rang against my ear. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28638

You deserved it

13033

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw my friend at the mall. He didn't see me, so I called him to say "Turn around." He took one look at his phone, snorted loudly enough for me to hear from way off, and put it back in his pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26828

You deserved it

2395

Favorite

By Username - United States

Today, I asked my two children why they smelled like pee after we had gotten lunch at McDonald's. They told me that they were playing in the puddles in the play-place. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40700

You deserved it

4975

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By Bottomless_Pit_for_the_NOMS - 23/9/2020 10:01 - United States - Miami

That homely smell

Today, my mother had just got home and we were both in the kitchen. She then starts to get out food and I smelled deviled eggs. Delighted, I asked, "Do I smell deviled eggs?" She turned around laughing and announced she'd farted. I effectively got hungry from my mother’s fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1134

You deserved it

266

Favorite

By NotYourFriend

Today, I had to kick my husband's friend out of our house after a week. He left lights on, played video games all day, ate all of our food and laughed when his son hit my dog. He was only invited over for one dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13011

You deserved it

828

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By Anonymous - Japan - Takarazuka

Today, as I walked out the door to head to class, my neighbour's kid threw a balloon at me, filled with some kind of foul-smelling liquid that he calls "liquid ass". I had a presentation 20 minutes later and couldn't get the smell off myself in time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41423

You deserved it

3054

Favorite

By Xanadu - United States

Today, I made a video for a school tour of my apartment in German. The walls in my apartment are thin, so you could hear my sister having phone sex in her room in the background. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39464

You deserved it

5779

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked into Jamba Juice like I do every day. I decided to order something different than I usually do, and was flattered when the cashier recognized me. Then he switched places with another employee, and from the back room I hear "Hey, ugly's back again." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32982

You deserved it

3112

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found out that my wife is pregnant again. During her last two pregnancies, she craved pop-tarts and screamed bloody murder at the drop of a hat, so I went out and bought a box for her. Turns out that this time, pop-tarts make her want to puke. Cue screaming. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36018

You deserved it

4498

Favorite

By KittenTime - United Kingdom

Today, I witnessed the miracle of life. More specifically, my cat giving birth on my bed at four in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40012

You deserved it

7497

Favorite

By embarrassed4life - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom when the girl in the stall next to me started asking me how I was doing. Thinking it was weird but not wanting to be rude, I answered her questions. Halfway though our conversation she said: "Hold on, the girl in the stall next to me thinks I'm talking to her." FML

I agree, your life sucks

51064

You deserved it

15665

Favorite

By Anonymous - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, on a train to the airport the ticket inspector pointed out that my girlfriend and I hadn't activated our tickets. He suggested one of us get off and activate them at the next station. Now I'm on the moving train with all our luggage and she's waving from the platform with our tickets. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4639

You deserved it

462

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband and I were about to have sex. As soon as I got on top, he started speaking in a robot voice, then demanded that I call him "the Fuckinator." FML

I agree, your life sucks

39621

You deserved it

5577

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By notsohot

Today, I showed up at my boyfriend's house with nothing under my coat but some sexy lingerie. He told me he was working on an assignment, and made me wait three hours before he'd have sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1232

You deserved it

2086

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, because of the gas crisis in my state, we had to stop taking delivers at the pizza place I work at. Someone asked if we could walk it to them. My manager agreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11743

You deserved it

806

Favorite

By polimeros - Mexico - Quer?taro

Today, I had to excuse myself from the classroom so I could have a quick wank. This was because I somehow got extremely horny during a lesson on frog reproduction. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13565

You deserved it

41643

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By Anonymous - United States - Westerville

Today, I saw a dead ant. It made me think about how brief and fragile life is, why we're all here, and whether it has a point. It was a piece of lint. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2480

You deserved it

828

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By gottacatchemall - United States

Today, I tried to lose my virginity to my boyfriend of a year. We're almost twenty. In the end, we both chickened out and played Pokémon instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66684

You deserved it

28911

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By Discouraged - United States - Rockville

Today, my little brother got his crush to go out with him by impressing her with his level 500 FarmVille. This is the next generation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32836

You deserved it

2630

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By Doubleyew1 - United States

Today, the cute guy I met on Halloween finally decided to meet up with me after almost 10 months of phone calls, IM, and emails. He was noticeably disappointed and said I looked different. On Halloween I had full face zombie makeup. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34336

You deserved it

4872

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By Anonymous - France

Today, my girlfriend woefully admitted that she thinks of me more as a brother than as a boyfriend, all while I was still inside her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42705

You deserved it

3382

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked into work looking like I had peed myself, all because my husband thought it would be "hilarious" to slam on the brakes while I was drinking hot coffee. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34283

You deserved it

3557

Favorite

By Ginger - United States

Today, I realized it's been 5 days since my boyfriend last answered the phone when I called. Two weeks ago, he told me he used to break up with his girlfriends in a very juvenile way. He doesn't answer their phone calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36188

You deserved it

3165

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I locked my keys in the car while the car was running because I got out to get the parking ticket attached to my windshield. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13380

You deserved it

26330

Favorite

By B1N

Today, I took a shower and went to put clothes on after, only to find no clothes in my closet. My mom took them all and hid them. No idea why. No idea when I will get them back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1882

You deserved it

205

Favorite

By unhappyelf - United States

Today, my boss insisted that we get in the holiday mood by putting up lights, playing Christmas music, and wearing bells on our uniforms. It's not even Thanksgiving yet and I can't even have a tinkle without full-blown jingling. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24829

You deserved it

2715

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I saw a picture of me from a night of drinking that surprisingly looked really really good. I showed my boyfriend and he agreed with me. Then he added, "What's funny is it looks nothing like you!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

25864

You deserved it

3714

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband invited a couple of his college friends over for dinner. While we were in the middle of eating, one of them asked loudly, "Hey, whatever happened to that fat bitch you dated in your third year?" We've been dating since his second year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40566

You deserved it

3849

Favorite

By halofever82 - 10/4/2021 08:00

Preemptive strike

Today, after ordering at a restaurant, the waitress suddenly began acting like a bitch to me, for no apparent reason. I later found out why: most people who order that particular meal tend to argue and whine about the price. I wasn’t going to. FML

I agree, your life sucks

934

You deserved it

Favorite

By Why me? - United States - Wilmington

Today, some guys came up to me at work so they could meet me in person after talking to me on Tinder. I don't have a Tinder account, though, and I have no idea who is doing this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21216

You deserved it

1304

Favorite

By katwingz - United States - Fairfield

Today, after being together for only 2 weeks, my boyfriend got me a year's gym membership for my birthday in a card that said, "So u can b hott! Luv u!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

33525

You deserved it

6171

Favorite

By frenchpop1960 - United States

Today, I was over at my boyfriend's house and I heard a strange sound. I laughed and said, "It sounds like a dog throwing up!" He listened for a second and said "That's my mom crying downstairs." FML

I agree, your life sucks

15321

You deserved it

41755

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By iamfab - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I asked my boyfriend to come hang out with me. He said he was busy and had to do homework. Since he never studies, I got suspicious and went to check up on him. I found him playing dress-up with his cat. He's 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30169

You deserved it

5040

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up without my fiancé in bed next to me, but I assumed he'd gone to work early. I went on Facebook to find that he had posted a break-up post to himself from my account and set my status to single. I then found a note with "Sorry" written on it stuck to the kitchen counter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58582

You deserved it

3625

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7977214 - Tuesday 9 March 2021 16:15

Everyone knows that very pretty girls don't poop.

That's not constipated -- that's just being pretty!

By Seeya55 | 31

#7977230 - Tuesday 9 March 2021 16:50

Pretty shitty to me.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7977214 - Tuesday 9 March 2021 16:15

Everyone knows that very pretty girls don't poop.

That's not constipated -- that's just being pretty!

Seeya55 | 31

#7977230 - Tuesday 9 March 2021 16:50

Pretty shitty to me.

By fireblazes | 9

#7977218 - Tuesday 9 March 2021 16:27

That's one smooth pick-up line.

By Kyle Loyd McKinney | 4

#7977250 - Tuesday 9 March 2021 18:29

Tell her it's your bfs birthday 😉

By diraven | 13

#7977257 - Tuesday 9 March 2021 18:47

Because pretty people don't eat

By mackdeezy | 21

#7977305 - Tuesday 9 March 2021 21:46

So let me gwt this straight.... you saying you're full of shit, is you being full of shit?

By xxlk4xx | 5

#7977445 - Wednesday 10 March 2021 16:11

"tell that to my asshole then" 🤣