Weekend Plans

Today, my boyfriend stood me up. At dinner with his parents. FML

Great speech, thanks!

Breaking Badly

Daydreaming

By notmyfam - 9/9/2016 07:47 - Australia - Chester Hill

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Today, my girlfriend told me on facebook to stop calling/texting her because she lost her phone. Right under her post was "sent from facebook for iPhone." FML

By Anonymous - 22/10/2010 02:25 - United States

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Today, my mom texted me in the middle of my end of term math exam, saying it was extremely urgent and needed me to come home ASAP. While skipping my exam, I finally got home to find out my mom forgot what the emergency was. FML

By failedexam - 6/11/2009 06:52 - Canada

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Today, while my mom was out, I took the car out to CVS to get some food, even though I'm not legally allowed to drive. As soon as I got back in the car, my mom pulled up 2 parking spaces away from me. She didn't notice me bend down to hide... until I accidentally hit the horn in the process. FML

By horn-y - 23/11/2010 18:23 - United States

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Today, my boss was using my computer and tried to copy and paste a website URL. It must not have copied first, because it pasted a URL to a porn site. I think I should start looking for a new job. FML

By themanontheright - 1/3/2010 20:50 - United States

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Today, I went out to dinner with my boyfriend and his mom. The hostess asked if I needed "the kid's menu," remarked how I look "so grown up for your age," and asked what grade I was in. I said I'm in university. She laughed as if it was the best joke ever told. I'm 22. FML

By ugh - 14/8/2012 16:52 - United States

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Today, my cousin came to visit from Texas. It would have been great if he hadn't groped me and whispered "incest isn't illegal" when he saw me. FML

By fme - 27/1/2018 15:00

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Today, I found myself sitting in the bathroom at work searching the internet for the alcohol and caloric content of cool mint Listerine. I now believe that I may have a problem. FML

By The_failure - 18/4/2019 20:00

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Today, I discovered that airbags aren't nearly as comfy as they look. FML

By jbthedude - 5/8/2011 09:57 - United Kingdom

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Today, my husband is adamant he is not a cheater because "it only counts as cheating if you have sex with other women for free" so apparently 20-year-old male prostitutes don't count because they're not women and they cost money. FML

By gamer tag ID not recognised - 6/10/2018 03:00

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Today, I accidentally told my mom to ejaculate the flash drive from the PC. FML

By Anonymous - 2/2/2012 18:07 - India

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Today, I pissed my younger brother off. Seemingly unrelated to this was the fact that I left my laptop on in my room along with MSN signed into my email adress. Now, all my contacts know that I apparently "just love the warm feeling of semen sliding down my throat". FML

By Anonymous - 5/5/2009 21:42 - Canada

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Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He wants us to stay friends, though, so he can continue to use my coffee maker. FML

By Anonymous - 15/4/2013 16:02 - Norway - Trondheim

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Today, my mother won't let me intern at a prestigious college, working with graduate students and professors, and being paid, because she doesn't want to drive me. FML

By crushed - 11/12/2015 00:12 - United States - San Francisco

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Today, after buying 3 new alarm clocks, I finally decided to video tape myself all night to figure out if my alarm clock was broken or if I was oversleeping. Turns out I wake up around 4am each day and turn them off without remembering. FML

By sleepy momma - 2/6/2013 06:06 - United States - Altoona

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Today, my deranged co-worker sent me a text message containing a picture that she just took of her uncle. It was his funeral. FML

By thanatophobia - 15/3/2010 00:20 - France

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Today, it's my birthday. I asked everyone for iTunes money, pleased to finally be able to buy some new songs for my iPod. After receiving several gift cards, I discovered that my iPod had been stolen. FML

By ipodless - 13/10/2011 00:47 - United States

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Today, my neighbor kindly set off a bed bug fogger rather than getting an exterminator, which we'd even offered to help him pay for. We have baseboard heating in our condo building. Guess where the parasites crawled to now. FML

By UniverseHatesMe - 26/5/2016 10:04 - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

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Today, during foreplay with my boyfriend, I put my legs around his neck. He pushed them away violently, shouting, "Bloody hell, it's prickling me!" I'd shaved the day before. FML

By Sugao - 10/12/2008 07:48 - France

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Today, while at a stop light, I was rear-ended by a car behind me. The guy got angry at me, because according to him, I should've known that his car has poor braking distance, and so I should've moved forward a few more feet to compensate. FML

By Me - 11/11/2012 00:29 - United States

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Today, I had a conversation with a girl I don't normally talk to. She ended up saying I'm "not as annoying as everyone says." and "Oh... you didn't know?" FML

By Anonymous - 16/9/2014 20:31 - United Kingdom - Truro

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Today, I saw what I thought was a spider. Wanting to kill it as quickly as possible, I smacked my hand against the wall with force. It was a nail. FML

By Jesus - 27/9/2011 02:03 - Canada

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Today, I spent half-an-hour listening to my therapist telling me enthusiastically how people used to communicate telepathically before verbal languages were invented. FML

By verydepressed - 21/8/2013 07:18 - Russian Federation - Seversk

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Today, I totalled my car. I flipped it over on the freeway and broke my collarbone in the process. I was in extreme pain and unable to move. It took the ambulance an hour to get there in rush hour traffic. The song repeating on my iPod was, "Don't Worry, be Happy." FML

By Anonymous - 4/11/2009 05:18 - United States

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Today, I got fired from a great baby sitting job because the little girl said I was boring. FML

By anon - 22/2/2009 04:49 - United States

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Today, my straight, white, Christian stepmother greeted my black friend with, "Hey my n****a!" He hasn't talked to me since. FML

By why mom - 2/8/2016 23:52

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Today, I showed my girlfriend some old home videos of me as a kid. My dad must have taped over one though, because halfway through it cut to extremely graphic footage of his colonoscopy. FML

By RectalSteve - 10/9/2017 20:00 - United Kingdom - Belfast

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Today, my boyfriend said that being with me was his payment for past sins. FML

By sadgf - 25/2/2009 21:12 - United States

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Today, my dad offered to take me and my sister to school because we just moved houses. On the way, he asked us why we looked so tired. We just said we were tired from moving house. Truth is, our room is right next to theirs. We heard everything. Loud and clear. FML

By Anonymous - 5/12/2009 00:22 - Australia

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Today, I had to return a shirt to Target. My mom offered to do it for me on her way to work, so I gave her the shirt and receipt. Later, I realized that on the same receipt I had purchased condoms, lube, and whipped cream. FML

By UGH - 8/4/2009 20:34 - United States

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Today, I took my girlfriend out to a fancy restaurant for her birthday. I'd arranged beforehand for some of the staff to come out and sing happy birthday to her, but it all backfired when she started panicking and had a serious anxiety attack from all the attention. FML

By phuckbukket7 - 27/4/2014 22:08 - United States

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Today, I looked outside and I saw that my new car had been snowed on. Sadly the snow had frozen onto the car, so I spent the entire day getting it off. I came inside. By 8pm, my car had snow all over it again, and this time I left the window open. FML

By FMLimsomad - 29/12/2010 20:59 - United States

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Today, my new dog unburied my old dog and chewed on his bones. FML

By jessica071509 - 24/4/2012 05:42 - United States - Phoenix

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Today, at my wedding reception, my father began his speech with "Well, I never, ever thought that this day would come," at which point the entire room, including my new husband, broke into a round of enthusiastic applause. FML

By Anonymous - 8/8/2009 19:01 - United States

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Today, I went to start my truck that I had parked in my driveway after a longhaul. The fuel gauge indicated I had a full tank. I didn't fill up. My neighbours' son decided to fill the tank with water with a hose. 150 litres worth on top of diesel. His dad's response: "Kids eh, what ya gonna do?" FML

By driver - 25/11/2009 22:24 - New Zealand

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Today, I haven't had any real sleep in 4 days because I am an insomniac. My father is also an insomniac but he takes Ambien to get his rest. Me? I'm stuck staring at the ceiling for hours because he won't let me take any kind of medication, because he doesn't want me "getting addicted." FML

By sleeplessinID - 15/8/2010 07:23 - United States

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Today, I went for a run, and my own dog attacked me. FML

By anyonmus - 12/4/2013 00:59 - United States - Westminster

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Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that me switching to "super" sized tampons does not mean I've been having sex with other men with bigger penises, and that my vagina hasn't been "stretched bigger". FML

By Anonymous - 3/5/2015 05:37 - Australia - Brisbane

Bad women's anatomy

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Today, my husband told me that he can't find his passport. We're supposed to be leaving for Prague in two days. He's known about the trip for months. It was the anniversary vacation that was going to help our frayed relationship. Now my money is going to a hotel in Prague, but I'm not. FML

By stuckhome - 8/4/2011 11:07 - United Kingdom

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Today, I snuck into my boyfriend's house at 9am to surprise him on our 1 year anniversary. In the process, I gatecrashed another celebration he was having with his second girlfriend. FML

By Anonymous - 18/11/2013 18:53 - United Kingdom - Congleton

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