Wanted: New Friends

Today, while waiting in line at Gamestop, another customer and the cashier started chatting about how Pokémon is for kids, and anyone over 10 who's into it is weird. Embarrassed, I put the new Pokémon game back on the shelf and snuck out of the store. FML

Dad jokes, part 43884

The student becomes the master

Live dumping

By Anonymous - 25/9/2011 19:18 - United States

33566

18656

Today, I accidentally pulled out six of my eyelashes. It's noticeable. Very noticeable. FML

By Shaz - 24/8/2019 06:18 - Australia - Melbourne

1293

327

Today, I told my boss that I quit, and handed in my two week's notice. A couple of hours later, I found my letter of resignation had been photocopied and copies hung all around the office with "Best day ever" written on the bottom. FML

By sad face - 24/11/2012 11:54 - Australia - Chatswood

25900

5261

Today, I divorced my husband of 20 years. The only positive thing about my day was my pregnancy test. Yes, it was his. FML

By GM38 - 23/6/2012 02:57 - United States - Melbourne

30957

8956

Today, I was icing an injured foot with a frozen water bottle as the doctor directed me. When I was done, I picked the bottle up and immediately dropped it on the same injured foot, which is now swollen and bruised. FML

By CC - 2/9/2012 06:27 - United States - Southfield

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4718

Today, I had a terrible nightmare involving zombies slashing and eating at my face. I woke up in terror and urine, and found the slashing was very real: it was my cat pawing my face for me to feed him. FML

By Anonymous - 25/3/2012 17:21 - United States - Rocklin

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4335

Today, I was at this awesome party and I was dancing with this really attractive girl who started making out with me all of a sudden. Five minutes later, my friend told me that the girl had just given him a blowjob. FML

By cumguzzler - 6/3/2009 16:14 - United States

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11848

Today, I went to a costume contest as Jon Snow from Game of Thrones. I won, which was nice, until I was told that the only flaws in my "Samwell Tarly" outfit were my long hair and wrong sword. FML

By Fat Jon - 29/10/2015 19:43 - Mexico - Mexico

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2780

Today, while I was at my boyfriend's house, I got my period. About an hour after I tell him I just got my period, he impatiently says "Is it over yet?" FML

By MandMandM - 19/7/2010 06:38 - United States

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6122

Today, I was running with two other women when a guy started tailing us in his car and catcalling. I quickly got fed up and gave him the finger. Turns out, he's the husband of one of the women I was running with. For the next half hour, I had to listen to her go on about how adorable he was. She totally saw what I did. FML

By Anonymous - 25/6/2019 05:00

1699

320

Today, I organised a romantic day trip for me and my boyfriend to some tropical gardens. I packed lunch and paid for the tickets. He decided to bring a friend, who doesn't speak English. The only thing that he said that I understood was that "Your girlfriend eats a lot." FML

By Anonymous - 25/4/2011 09:20 - Ireland

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4469

Today, my teacher's comments on my essay read, "I know it's college, but you use a lot of unnecessary words with a lot of syllables." He basically scolded me for having a complex vocabulary. I go to an accredited state university. Nothing says "America" like under-achieving professors. FML

By Anonymous - 3/10/2012 23:00 - United States - Tallahassee

27950

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Today, my husband and I had a HUGE fight, but we had amazing make up sex so I figured it was over. When I woke up, I realized my mistake. I was tied to the four bed posts completely naked and a sign was taped on the ceiling. "Repairman coming in an hour. Gave him a key. Have all your clothes. Have fun." FML

By Ignorant - 7/10/2017 06:00

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833

Today, my friends and I spent hours on the Disney website playing in Pixie Hollow. We made our own fairies and flew around completing tasks for TinkerBell and her fairy friends. We're in college, and this is how we spent our Saturday night. FML

By panicromanceX3 - 26/4/2009 08:44 - United States

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63297

Today, I woke up to a brand new password on my phone that only my wife knows. Apparently, she thinks I've been looking at my phone more than I've been talking to her lately. FML

By LockedOut - 2/11/2013 06:27 - United States

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Today, while I was cleaning out my son's room, I came across his diary. Opening it out of curiosity, I found ramblings about how blacks, Jews, and other "inferior breeds" should be forcibly sterilized "for the common good." FML

By Ugh - 5/11/2012 02:08 - United States - Dublin

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Today, I had to play the role of superman in a production on stage. They had to stuff my underwear because my 'thing' wasn't big enough. FML

By superman_not - 10/6/2009 15:46 - United Kingdom

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Today, my friend was extremely constipated when he used my toilet. I'm now having to go buy a new toothbrush, because he used mine to dig out his shit. FML

By Anonymous - 13/8/2019 20:00

2044

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Today, at my job as a cake decorator in a bakery, I put the finishing touches on the wedding cake of the man who left me at the altar 3 years ago. FML

By budapesthungary - 21/12/2009 05:16 - United States

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Today, after being kicked out of my racist family, my boyfriend and I moved across the country to rent an apartment with my sister. My mother hates us so much she offered to buy my sister a new car to not take us in. FML

By beepbeep - 22/8/2018 03:30

3167

218

Today, I came out to my dad. He called me weak minded and said that he has never been more disappointed in me. I didn't come out as gay. I came out as a vegetarian. FML

By pkstarstorm - 14/7/2009 06:58 - United States

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Today, after waiting well over a month for a work visa in Germany that should only have taken 3 weeks to come through, I finally received my long-awaited answer. Unfortunately, that answer was "We lost your paperwork." FML

By AdriftInTheSeaOfPaperwork - 24/9/2014 17:17 - Germany - Dachau

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Today, I learned just how bad jellyfish stings hurt. Multiple times. On my testicles. FML

By hunta331 - 14/7/2019 22:00

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Today, my doctor ordered me an EKG to help my health anxiety. I have panic attacks and feel like my heart is out of rhythm, but my doctors have all told me it’s just in my head. I got the test results. I meet with the cardiologist next week to discuss surgery. FML

By mybackhurts - 4/2/2018 15:00

4769

263

Today, while on Grindr, I saw that this guy I'm friends with and have liked for a while now had messaged me. I got all excited, just for it to be a picture of him flipping me off. FML

By Anonymous - 1/3/2020 15:00

Crossed Wires

1334

186

Today, I was cycling home. On the way, my laces got stuck in the bicycle pedals and I couldn't move the foot that got stuck. The bicycle fell over, with me attached to it. Everyone was looking at me like, "What are you doing?" FML

By Moon-chan - 30/6/2019 00:30 - Netherlands

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285

Today, I drove my friends two hours to see a tourist attraction I had been talking up for months. It burnt to the ground last week. FML

By DriveNowhere - 31/12/2016 11:50 - Australia

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Today, my sister stole my bike and gave it to her boyfriend. When I told my parents, they said it was fine, because I wasn't using it anyway. The reason I wasn't using it was because it needed a new tire, and I was saving up for one. FML

By mu5icadd1ct - 8/7/2016 13:22

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882

Today, I had to wash my cat. Twice. The first time was because he decided to roll over in the litter tray after using it. The second was the result of him pissing on the floor, then rolling in it right after I'd dried him from the first time. FML

By Anonymous - 2/3/2020 15:00

Clean me, humanoid

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Today, I saw my two-year-old son trying to floss his teeth. He was using an earthworm. FML

By Fffhjno - 28/9/2016 18:15 - United States - Providence

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Today, after puking all over the bathroom and my legs, I called my husband for sympathy. The first thing he says is "Did you cry?" and when I answered no, instead of wishing me better he quickly exclaimed "WHO'S MY BIG GIRL!" FML

By gotitEVERYWHERE - 8/3/2010 22:40 - United States

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Today, I went to pick up my little brother from his friend's house. When I got there, he ran off screaming that he didn't know me. His friend's parents believed him. FML

By Anonymous - 26/11/2013 13:07 - United States

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Today, I read a book by a former client who did time for fraud. She swears she's innocent, and blames everyone for her "ordeal": the police, court, judge, and me, her own attorney. She conveniently forgot to mention her two full confessions, one of which was given before the judge. FML

By Anonymous - 18/7/2014 20:04 - Cura?ao

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Today, my dad learned that it's possible to power a lightbulb with a potato. Since then, he's been going around the house removing all the plugs from the wall and plugging them into potatoes instead. He's absolutely baffled as to why it won't work. FML

By Darkandcold - 9/1/2013 19:23 - United Kingdom - Exeter

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Today, someone stole my phone at a concert. They decided it would be funny to text my mom saying I was pregnant. FML

By kelsey - 8/3/2009 18:10 - United States

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Today, I walked in on my brother shaving his nuts, all while giggling like a maniac and seemingly high out of his mind. FML

By burnmyeyes - 19/4/2014 21:26 - United States - Richmond

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Today, after a night of drinking, I woke up in the hospital with a broken coccyx. Apparently, my drunk self came to the glorious conclusion that it would be a good idea to cannonball into a puddle while screaming "POOLPARTYYYY!" at the top of my lungs. FML

By "Sonofaquiche" - 7/5/2017 00:00

No Ragerts

3056

5545

Today, my boyfriend of a year asked me to move in with him. I would have been touched at this gesture, had he not asked in the form of a text message, saying: "Got kicked out. Wanna get a flat or something?" FML

By movingbuddy - 8/1/2013 13:31 - Australia - Sydney

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Today, the only one that became aroused while looking at me in my sexy Halloween costume was my dog. FML

By Shelly - 30/10/2010 18:09 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about sex and I asked him if he had ever finished inside a woman. He looked directly into my eyes and said, "Babe... I have a son, remember?" Yeah, I forgot. FML

By Superdumb - 26/11/2018 03:00

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