Wanted: New Friends

Today, I was told that every week the grocery store I work for has a "mystery customer" who shops throughout the store and rates us. Our store has gotten straight 100s for the past two years, and I ruined their streak. Apparently, I was the worst they've ever seen. FML

Out of it

Time for the ER

No justice

By That guy - 8/8/2016 15:45 - United States - Mansfield

12476

3486

Today, I woke up, got dressed, drove for an hour, just to find out that I was fired. This is the closest job near me. FML

By Anonymous - 19/6/2017 02:00

4458

376

Today, I talked to a girl on the phone who had previously told me her last relationship "ended very badly." I said, "So let me guess, that jerk cheated on you?" She paused for a few moments and finally replied, "No, he died in a motorcycle accident." FML

By Greg - 28/9/2009 17:34 - United States

42670

21957

Today, I learned that when your gas nozzle does not automatically stop by itself the way its supposed to, they will continue to charge your credit card as the gas overflows out of your tank until someone notices and yells "turn the gas off". FML

By haytia22 - 24/7/2009 05:01 - United States

17281

52137

Today, I start my second shift at my new job. Apparently, I'm closing by myself. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. FML

By I know nothing - 5/2/2017 07:00 - Canada - Surrey

6822

505

Today, my professor cancelled class so I turned off my alarm. When I woke up, I checked my email again. There was no email from my professor. It was a dream. FML

By DreamsDontComeTrue - 5/2/2015 06:15 - United States - Newport News

43181

6435

Today, things were getting heated between me and the guy I like, and we were about to have sex. I told him to turn the TV off so we can get started. His response? "But I like this show." FML

By Judy69 - 7/4/2012 07:04 - United States - Dekalb

30450

5976

Today, there was a fire drill at my school. I was in the bathroom taking a dump, and if that wasn't bad enough, I got suspended for two days for 'improper procedure during a fire drill'. I didn't know you could get suspended for taking a dump. FML

By dammit - 10/8/2010 05:19 - United States

42254

4360

Today, I took my new girlfriend to meet my grandmother. We were drinking coffee when my gran leaned to one side and let out a huge fart. Proud of herself, she added, "That one didn't pay his rent on time!" Coffee came out of my girlfriend's nose. FML

By jay ze punk - 29/1/2013 19:56 - France - Metz-tessy

37598

5160

Today, is the first day of my honeymoon. It has been 6 years since I took a "real" vacation. We have 3 kids and a small house, and now we have 9 days alone in random hotels to do what couples do on their honeymoon without kids... Day one, I got my period 7 days early. FML

By picaru - 21/6/2009 18:00 - United States

84231

5278

Today, after years of wonderful flying experiences, I boarded a flight and took my seat only to find a baby sitting in front of me, behind me, and to the right of me, and across the aisle from me. All of whom decided to cry in unison. It was a 9-hour flight. FML

By MLeguillon - 1/9/2014 04:34 - United States - Imperial

52487

4215

Today, on a plane I was showing my brother the life jackets kept under the seat. After pulling on what I thought was the lifejacket, I then realized that they were kept in the arm rest to my right and for the last five minutes I had been pulling on the foot of the man who was sitting behind me. FML

By Anonymous - 26/8/2009 04:28 - Canada

10939

41043

Today, when I went to pay for my groceries, I accidentally handed the cashier a condom instead of my $20. FML

By totallyembarassed - 7/7/2012 04:08 - United States - Charlotte

12955

28649

Today, I was reading on a park bench not far from a grassy spot and a pond. A flock of geese landed on the grassy patch and began to eat some grass. I thought that I may be bothering the geese, but decided if I left them alone, they'd leave me alone as well. I was wrong. Geese are assholes. FML

By Geese Ahoy - 14/11/2016 17:00 - United States - Elizabeth

10124

1053

Today, I replaced the battery in a closet’s electronic keypad door lock, and I accidentally locked myself inside. My family was traveling, so I had to call a neighbor. He got me out, but took pictures and posted to social media. FML

By Scooter - 25/9/2018 05:00

2501

684

Today, at my surprise birthday party, my neighbor gave me a new dog collar. My dog was run over by him a week ago. FML

By dogless - 15/10/2019 06:00

Creepy

1976

Today, I was riding my motorcycle when I saw my cheating ex-wife walking down the road. Out of anger, I spat my gum at her. I forgot that my helmet's visor was still down, so when I spat, the gum stuck against it. I was temporarily blinded and I crashed into some bushes. FML

By Anonymous - 30/7/2009 00:14 - United Kingdom

14100

77135

Today, it's my birthday. Today is also the day my grandma died, six years ago. Since then, I get to sit through any sort of attempted celebration while my mom sobs and drinks herself into a stupor in the background. FML

By BirthdayFail - 14/8/2012 07:57 - United States - Milwaukee

29347

1737

Today, I left early from a trashy dance and bought a soda at a Shell station. The clerk asked me if I had been smoking weed. When I replied "No", he said "You mean you always look like that?" FML

By notastoner - 19/6/2011 06:38 - United States

35515

5576

Today, I had a volleyball game against our rivals. I hit myself in the face with the ball 3 times, fell flat on my face against the court, and later had an asthma attack with no inhaler in sight. We lost the game. FML

By anonymous - 3/9/2010 05:05 - United States

28631

6707

Today, I was waitressing when a man sat at my table with soda from somewhere else. Drinks are half the profit for restaurants. There is a strict policy that you have to charge for carry-in drinks. I told him this, he yelled at me so I told him I was doing my job. I got fired, for doing my job. FML

By waitress - 12/4/2009 02:07 - United States

58470

4256

Today, since I was taking a dump in my wife's parents' house, I lit a candle so that it wouldn't stink. While still sitting down, I went to blow it out and apparently, no matter how strong of a man you are, you will still scream like a little girl if hot wax falls on your penis. FML

By cduran2011 - 14/10/2011 15:23 - United States

38443

12284

Today, I had to repeatedly explain to an increasingly angry lady that no, she couldn't get an ultrasound by using a referral letter from her psychic. FML

By 360whoroscoped - 16/1/2015 18:05 - United States - Saint Paul

28607

3097

Today, I had to go to the emergency room in the middle of the night. Even though they know I don't have any money, let alone shoes on my feet, my parents have decided it's far too much trouble to come pick me up because we're on vacation and they want to have fun. FML

By GreatParenting - 26/7/2015 22:47 - United States - Nampa

25020

1934

Today, after days of working with a client on plans for a project, I received a message half way through completion saying the deal was off because "my prices were so low it seemed like a scam". FML

By JPlays - 13/9/2016 03:31 - United States - Henderson

12437

940

Today, I invited my deadbeat dad over for dinner, hoping we could resolve our issues and build a proper relationship. Just minutes after he arrived, I caught him stealing money from my purse. He actually said I owe him for raising me. He ditched my mom and me when I was 5. FML

By Anonymous - 9/9/2014 16:47 - United States - Miami

49801

4158

Today, I spent hours delicately writing out what seemed to be a beautiful poem to my girlfriend. After I sent it to her, I kept eyeing my phone to see her surprised message. No, my only response was "you may want to use a spellcheck." FML

By Poem - 19/12/2009 04:29 - United States

13989

26181

Today, I was talking to my mother about my sex life, telling her "if I want to have sex I'm going to have sex." She looked at me for a moment and said, "You're staying a virgin until you marry". She wasn't ordering me, she was informing me. FML

By senelbeat - 3/7/2009 15:47 - United States

41095

8514

Today, while making deliveries, a lady answered the door stark naked and invited me in. I'm a young single guy so I went for it, but her husband was also there, ready to go with an enormous boner, so I ran to my van and went back to the depot. They reported me for bad customer service. FML

By Anonymous - 4/11/2017 05:00

6687

2675

Today, I was on a red-eye flight, and the woman beside me was chattering loudly to her friend. I opened my laptop and got to work. Suddenly, one of the women turned to me and told me that the clicking of my keyboard was too loud. She then called me an inconsiderate selfish bitch. FML

By HassledAirfarer - 7/12/2009 02:08 - United States

43782

2403

Today, as I got off the bus, I saw a girl counting her change making sure she had enough for the ride. Since it was my last stop for the day, I offered my day pass to her. She replied, "Get away, freak." FML

By calidreaming - 9/5/2012 14:40 - Japan - Osaka

33375

2688

Today, my girlfriend's best friend told me she was in hospital after having made a suicide attempt. In shock, I had a panic attack and ended up in the hospital myself. Turns out it was all a lie to see whether or not I was committed to the relationship. FML

By FFFFF- - 2/3/2011 17:12 - Singapore

56951

5172

Today, I realized my morbidly obese, sweaty sibling is the source of a strange waft I've been smelling when I get home. He'll only shower once a week, so the apartment and furniture smell like sweat and sometimes poo, especially on hot days. I didn't notice until I went outside and stepped back in to follow my nose. FML

By Anonymous - 22/6/2020 17:01

OK sweaty, time for a bath

1688

119

Today, I have an auto immune disease which causes my penis to look like a tie-dye t shirt. FML

By Damm - 24/1/2009 19:05 - United States

37192

2737

Today, at the reading of my mother's last will and testament, I found out that despite having cared for her for the final years of her life, she denied me an inheritance. She basically said I'm an embarrassment, because when she wrote it, I was 31 years old, with no wife or children. FML

By Anonymous - 6/1/2013 21:35 - Sweden - Staffanstorp

30098

2337

Today, my roommate unexpectedly came home with a new puppy. I'm severely allergic to dogs. When I reminded her of this, she explained that the puppy was her family now and if I didn't like it I should move out because blood is thicker than water. My roommate is my sister. FML

By RoommateWanted - 10/9/2013 21:02 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

51800

3347

Today, I fell over a wet floor sign warning you not to fall over. The irony hurt more than the fall. FML

By Anonymous - 5/2/2011 09:01 - United Kingdom

25861

9551

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend humping my stuffed rabbit. I thought he was trying to be funny until I saw that he had an erection. FML

By bunny - 16/8/2009 13:58 - United States

66124

4975

Today, my little brother was playing with my cat, getting it to chase a laser pointer. He thought it would be funny to shine the laser pointer over my nuts. FML

By Anonymous - 1/2/2010 03:16 - United States

31105

3595

Today, after selling their car, my parents decided to inform me that my car (that I paid for myself) is now going to be the "Family Car". They also informed me that since it is, after all, my car, I'll still have to pay for the gas and maintenance. FML

By thanksforthat - 10/8/2009 19:05 - United States

89555

4695