Today, while at a family gathering, I sat down in a chair and...

By maisie - 22/11/2018 22:00

Today, while at a family gathering, I sat down in a chair and it broke. Embarrassed, I picked myself up and sat down in another chair. That one broke too. I'm now the "fat girl" of the family despite weighing 90 pounds. FML

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Yappy neighborhood

Headache

Business savvy

By Chester (Seattle) - 9/9/2010 02:15 - United States

Today, I got circumcised. After the surgery, my girlfriend got drunk and texted all of her friends about it. FML

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By Broc'n dreams - 6/2/2017 16:00 - New Zealand - Auckland

Face Your Fears

Today, I woke up screaming "FUCK OFF!" because I had a dream that someone threw broccoli through my window. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2017 00:30

Corolla Conspiracy

Today, I was talking to one of the advisors at my job about how almost everyone in the workplace who owns a Toyota has strangely been in some sort of car accident in the last year. I happen to have a Toyota. Guess who was rear-ended at an intersection after leaving work. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2013 21:58 - Mexico

Today, I have to get an ultrasound at the hospital. In order to get a clear picture, I need to have a full bladder. I've been waiting my turn for 2 hours now, desperately needing to pee. There are still multiple patients ahead of me. FML

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By treehugger - 20/3/2012 09:47 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, since I was grounded, I tried to sneak out of my room to attend a party by climbing out the second-storey window and down the tree. I was unharmed, but I probably should have checked to see if my dad was in the garden before climbing down. FML

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By ReallyNow - 1/9/2011 17:17 - United States

Today, I got rear-ended while on my way to work. This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't pregnant, suffering from a horrible UTI, and running a fever. My boss called in sick, so now I'm stuck running the office alone. With whiplash. FML

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By sigsigsignify - 6/12/2018 14:00

Today, my 3 year old future niece was combing my hair while I was watching a movie with the future in-laws. She kept leaving saying she was going to "go get the comb wet". I assumed she meant in the bathroom sink. Turns out she was just going around behind the couch and licking it. FML

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By myjobsucks - 13/12/2011 02:15 - Australia

Today, I found out that I'm working on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. I'm spending my favourite time of the year working for $8.70 an hour. At McDonald's. FML

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By ModernCindy - 30/11/2015 16:07 - United Kingdom - Cleveleys

Today, I felt like Cinderella. No, I didn't lose a shoe in public. Nor did I dance with Prince Charming. But I did get a visit from tiny wild mice in my home. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2012 04:25 - Denmark - Frederiksberg

Today, while getting ready to go to bed, I told my boyfriend that I feel depressed due to the lack of intimacy in our relationship. His response was to roll over, fall asleep, and send a deadly fart my way. FML

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By datingfail - 14/8/2016 12:06 - Australia - Northcote

Today, I went on a date with a guy who told me his main aim in life is to live alone in an isolated lighthouse. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2014 16:19 - United States - Memphis

Today, my girlfriend confessed that she's been cheating on me for the past two months. Apparently she thought I'd take it well, because when I yelled at her for being a heartless bitch, she stuttered "S-sike!" and tried to play it off as a prank. She's acting like we're still dating. FML

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By Joseflloyd - 12/5/2016 04:52 - United States - Carbondale

Today, I finally got up the nerve to ask a girl at my school for her number. As I was typing it into my phone, she pointed out the giant booger firmly attached to my sleeve. FML

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By Nails - 22/2/2009 03:16 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor with my parents. When the doctor asked if I was sexually active, I said 'Yes.' My mom laughed and said 'Good one.' My dad, for added effect said, 'Your hand doesn't count.' FML

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By fuckingads - 13/2/2017 19:00 - United States - Brookfield

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex to music, which we hadn't done before. I was getting close when it cut to commercial. I was so turned off by the idea of coming during an ad break that I didn't come at all. Thanks Spotify. FML

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By lebowski101 - 3/11/2011 01:45 - Canada

Today, I was invited to a party to celebrate my ex-fiancée's recent engagement. The party is at work, because my ex is also my boss. Her new fiancée is some guy she met while on a "business trip" that happened while we were still engaged. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2012 14:07 - Canada

Today, I am 8 weeks pregnant. I have debilitating 'morning sickness' all day. And now I get to add peeing my pants every time I throw up. FML

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By spekledworf - 28/8/2012 02:57 - United States - Wrentham

Today, I discovered why the milk in my house has a funny, sweet taste. My family has been pouring the leftover milk from their cereal back into the carton. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2016 21:01 - United States - East Orange

Today, I asked a customer for a number we could call her at to let her know when we'd finished fixing her PC. I'm so desperately lonely that when she wrote it down for me, I got a raging boner. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2011 02:37 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a letter back from the family I will be staying with as a part of an exchange program. Apparently they own a slaughterhouse type farm, and I'm expected to kill one of their animals and eat it as a gift from the family. I'm a vegan. FML

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By . - 27/2/2012 00:02 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my husband. We thought the house was empty so we didn't mind being loud. Apparently, my grandma thought it would be fun to give us a surprise visit. All I found was a note on the counter from her and the spare key saying "Next time, I'll call." FML

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By TBaggins00 - 21/6/2009 07:34 - United States

Today, as I was texting a friend, I was going to warm up some cold pizza. As I got finished with a text I put the pizza in the microwave and set the timer. After the timer ran out, I opened the door and smelled burnt plastic. Turns out phones aren't meant to be in the microwave. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2010 15:02 - United States

Today, I went over to welcome this new couple to our subdivision with a bottle of wine and muffins. I told them I liked what they were doing with the place, then asked them when they had moved in. They replied, "Two years ago." FML

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By heckaza - 19/1/2016 06:47 - Australia - Werribee

Today, I went to visit a suburb that was named after my family. Within five minutes of walking around I was mugged and then beat up. My family name has certainly done well for itself. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2012 14:20 - United States - Rhodes

Today, I told my husband that I'm tired of feeling like his "blow-up doll". His response was to honk my boob and make squeaking noises. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2019 00:30

Today, I realised just how lazy I am, when I was about to masturbate, but decided not to because I didn't want to put in the effort. FML

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By yashmoshin1 - 17/6/2009 14:06 - United States

Today, I finished the run for a play in which I played a gay man. Now that all the performances are over, I have kissed a man more times in my life than I have kissed a woman. I'm straight. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2015 15:55 - United States - Mattawa

Today, a guy at work told me I look like a famous celebrity. I was flattered, until he remembered the celebrity's name: Steve Buscemi. That wouldn't be a compliment, even if I weren't a 24-year-old woman. FML

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By meesa in big doo do dis time! - 13/6/2017 12:00

Today, I learned that all of my "friends" refer to me as the, "Jar Jar Binks" of our circle of friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2009 11:49 - Malaysia

Today, my family and I went to a beach where you could swim with dolphins. I was a little scared to swim with them so the trainers had a 5 minute chat to me about how they were harmless creatures. Once I got in, the dolphin attacked me and bit me. FML

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By LiquorChick - 20/1/2012 08:23 - United States

Today, I was transporting liquor between stores for work. A car pulled out and cut me off, causing me to slam on my brakes. My car stopped. The 200 dollars-worth of booze did not. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2014 21:50 - United States - Franklin Park

Today, I bought some noise-canceling headphones. They work well. Too well. My mom came home, unpacked her shopping, walked upstairs, knocked on my door, opened my door, and found me jacking off to a porno, all without me hearing a thing. Fucking hell. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 21:31 - United Kingdom - Watford

Today, let's just say it's not always a good idea to storm into your mum's bedroom after hearing several loud slaps accompanied by yelps. What sounds like domestic violence might just be your mum and step-dad's foreplay. For Christ's sake, I need brain bleach. FML

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By wifelyduties - 17/4/2020 14:00

Do ya think I'm sexy?

Today, my husband called me to our bedroom, saying he needed help with something. I found him sitting on the bed with his pants down, so I smiled and asked if he was angling for sex, which was fine with me. Nope. He needed me to pop a pimple under his ballsack. FML

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By VCR - 20/12/2009 07:13 - United States

Today, I found my underwear in my brother's pillow as well as my vibrator and Victoria's Secret magazines. FML

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By ewewew - 24/9/2009 22:10 - United States

Today, during our championship field hockey game, my mouthguard fell into a mass of geese poop. The referee made me put it back in my mouth. FML

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By Bambusmaster - 13/9/2018 18:50

Sobering.

Today, I'm on vacation with my best friends. We went to a club and I drunk texted my girlfriend of 1 year about how nice everything is and how much I miss her. She responded by breaking up with me because she likes me more as a friend. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2010 20:49 - United States

Today, my family and I went Christmas tree shopping. My husband and I were walking around when I saw the perfect tree. Excited, we immediately bought it. When we got home and set it up, I realized it came with a present: termites. FML

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By footinmouth - 13/9/2009 05:14 - United States

Today, I went to a restaurant with some friends. I noticed a very cute waitress about my age, so I walked over to her and asked if she had a boyfriend. The extremely fit, attractive waiter standing next to her immediately turned, held out his hand and goes, "Yeah. Meet me." FML

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By GhillieSuitsnBiscuits - 10/4/2016 20:53 - United States - Portland

Today, I had a lady come up to me in a store just to tell me how bad my acne was and what remedies I should use. I got so embarrassed, all I could say was, "OK" and, "Thank you" until she left me alone. FML

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Top comments

By Wadlaen | 18

#7727156 - Thursday 22 November 2018 22:53

I get more a feeling that you're a girl from a family with bad chairs...😕

By whiskey'swino | 15

#7727169 - Thursday 22 November 2018 23:10

Are the chairs made of balsa wood?

COMMENTS

By Wadlaen | 18

#7727156 - Thursday 22 November 2018 22:53

I get more a feeling that you're a girl from a family with bad chairs...😕

By whiskey'swino | 15

#7727169 - Thursday 22 November 2018 23:10

Are the chairs made of balsa wood?

Yudith | 20

#7728677 - Monday 26 November 2018 12:58

More like papier mâché. Who's the clown who designed that prank?

By DraftHail614 | 17

#7727181 - Thursday 22 November 2018 23:34

Yet it says you're a dude. Kowalski, analysis

By RichardPencil | 28

#7727199 - Friday 23 November 2018 1:25

You say “pounds,” but you probably mean kilos or stone!

By Venerable Mage | 8

#7727203 - Friday 23 November 2018 1:57

Was someone sabotaging you? Seems suspicious......

By Nico711 | 17

#7727210 - Friday 23 November 2018 2:17

HOW?

By RichardPencil | 28

#7727240 - Friday 23 November 2018 4:19

IKEA furniture can be sturdy if you follow the directions exactly. If you end up with a bunch of spare parts, anyone over 50 pounds is a chair-crushing fatso!

By tarabella | 7

#7727242 - Friday 23 November 2018 4:29

Please take care of yourself and try not to develop an eating disorder. And sit exclusively on armchairs only from now on. Just to be extra safe

By Jakab Péter | 8

#7727312 - Friday 23 November 2018 9:28

during my teenage years i was the fat among my friend despite the fact i was almost 190cm tall for my 80 kg.

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7727553 - Friday 23 November 2018 18:50

You're only 90 pounds and broke TWO chairs? Wow, things really AREN'T made the way they used to be!