Today, I spent a good 20 minutes cleaning the massive shopfront... - FML

By anonymous - 12/6/2018 18:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I spent a good 20 minutes cleaning the massive shopfront window of my work outside in the scorching heat, only to watch some kid drag his sweaty, sticky hand all the way along it. FML

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Rock, hard place

Get me away from here, I'm dying

Sister of the year

By Anonymous - 26/12/2009 03:13 - United States

Today, my father went out to get batteries for the remote control helicopter I bought him for Christmas. In his excitement, he backed his truck into my car. FML

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By Matt - 20/3/2011 05:08 - United States

Today, I was late for the bus. I chased after it for 3 blocks until I realized that the bus driver was laughing at me trying to catch her. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2016 01:07 - United States - Roxboro

Today, I accidentally dropped my birth control pill. My cat ate it before I could pick it up. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2011 18:03 - United States

Today, whenever I do something that the kid I am babysitting likes, he pats me on the head and says "good girl". I'm whipped by a seven year old. FML

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By pirsquared - 28/1/2012 01:20 - United States

Today, I had to Google how to find the area of a circle. I'm working on my PhD in engineering. FML

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By j0natron - 3/2/2009 20:30 - United States

Today, I was taking the elevator down with a group of people. It stopped on the 2nd floor and I said "What asshole can't take the steps from the 2nd floor?" Then a kid in a wheelchair got on. FML

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By NewBride - 14/8/2013 17:39 - United States - Lincoln

Today, was my wedding day. We had a beautiful outdoor wedding and everything was going perfectly as planned. That is, until a bird flew over us and left a present right between my boobs. I had to stand at the altar for 30 minutes as bird poop melted in my cleavage. FML

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By Septy - 21/1/2016 18:17 - Spain - M?laga

Today, my sick semi-delusional boyfriend, whom I've been taking care of for days, accused me of trying to poison him so that I could play World of Warcraft. FML

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By jazopalchris - 25/11/2013 23:42 - Australia - Mount Gambier

Today, my 7 year old daughter explained to a taxi driver that she was born from my "vagina that doesn't have hair". He winked creepily at me and said, "I bet it doesn't." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2009 04:14 - United States

Today, I got a parking ticket. I put the ticket in my bag and accidentally left the bag in my friends car. When I returned, the car window was smashed, my bag was gone. I had to call the police department and ask them to send me a new ticket, on top of the $1000 or so I'd already lost. FML

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By random1456 - 13/6/2019 18:00

Today, my credit card got declined while I was buying anti-depressants. FML

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By februarymarchapril - 4/2/2015 03:45 - United States - Austin

Today, I shaved for the first time. My mum gave me a razor and I spent about 20 minutes trying to use it. I gave up, yelling, "FUCK IT!" and put it back on the shelf. It fell, and as it hit the floor, a lid fell off. I'd tried to shave with a sheathed razor for 20 minutes. FML

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By Breezie - 14/10/2019 20:00 - United States

Hi Zach!

Today, at work, a customer commented that I look like Zach Galifianakis. I'm a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2019 00:01

Today, I hooked up with a guy. He didn't last 30 seconds before finishing, Then his car wouldn't start. I ended up walking home after a hook up that wasn't worth it. FML

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By anonymous - 23/3/2009 19:22 - United States

Today, I was having lunch with my sister and my mother. While my mom was busy ordering food, my sister said to me, "look at this face I can make!" and she grossly contorted her face so that she had a double chin. My mother looked over and said to her, "stop making fun of your sister!" FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2009 23:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking home from work going over a railway-bridge, when a 12 year old boy standing at the bottom asks if I could help him carry his bike up, as he couldn't lift it. I did it for him, and was greeted on the other side by his father - who thought I was stealing it and hit me. FML

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By goodeyesight - 11/10/2012 14:02 - Brazil - S?o Paulo

Today, I went on a blind date. Sadly, I wasn't blind enough. FML

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By AgentRarity - 18/6/2014 16:48

Today, I was reading butthurt comments about how girl gamers can easily get dates and find love by simply existing. I'm a "girl gamer" who hasn't even found a date, let alone love. I've been looking since I was sixteen. I'm now 27. FML

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By Why - 18/12/2018 05:00

Today, I finally went to have blood taken for an allergy test I really need. Afterwards, I had an allergic reaction to the bandaid they used on my arm. FML

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By Username - 25/9/2010 04:49 - France

Today, I was at a comedy club, and the girl behind me was drinking. Before she swallowed it, the comedian said something funny, making her spit it all in my hair. I had just had it done for my sister's wedding tomorrow. FML

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By mainey92 - 25/2/2010 05:30 - United States

Today, I heard a rumor about myself going around my high school that I am pregnant, I've dropped out of school, and that my belly is showing. I'm not actually pregnant. I've been severely depressed, so I've missed a few days of school and I've been eating too much apparently. FML

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By Rush Snake - 5/1/2009 03:57 - France

Today, I tried to play with my Wii using the TV remote. FML

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By anonymous - 6/11/2010 22:37 - Canada

Today, while cuddling with my boyfriend in the dark, he grabbed onto a fat roll and asked, "Is this your stomach or boob?" I didn't have the heart to tell him it was a back roll. FML

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By really?! - 22/3/2020 06:30

Troll level 3000

Today, I found my car with its front end smashed in. The offender was nowhere to be seen, but had left a helpful note that stated, "Sorry about your car but you can go fuck yourself because you will never find me. Muwahahaha!" FML

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By Grosssss - 15/7/2016 16:08 - United States - Harrisonburg

Today, I found out that whenever my roommate's friend-with-benefits comes over, he uses my bikini trimmer to shave his pubic hair. I've been using that trimmer for months. FML

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By notsobig - 29/1/2013 22:39 - United States

Today, I jokingly asked my girlfriend if she thinks I have a big package. She replied that she didn't want to upset me and get into another fight. FML

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By KilteDKilleR - 15/10/2011 14:02 - United States

Today, I went to visit my grandpa. He has an easily excited dog, who barreled into my freshly broken knee. I felt my knee move out of place again. The dog chipped a tooth. We went to the vet first. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2010 18:08 - United States

Today, the little boy I nanny for finally stood up and went 'pee-pee on the potty'. I started cheering and clapping, making a big deal out of it. I flushed while he smiled proudly and pooped on the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2009 18:50 - United States

Today, I was on a first date with a girl at the movies. Trying to be polite, I held in a fart until an intense, loud action scene came on. As soon as I let go, the scene went silent and my fart was clearly heard to everyone in the movie theatre. My date went to the bathroom. She didn't come back. FML

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By Jjay08 - 26/4/2016 21:17 - United States - Miles City

Today, I discovered a purple BMX bike abandoned in my front yard. I wondered why it was there, until I looked over to discover that my own bike had be stolen. I guess they liked mine better. FML

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By JulesBlues - 9/7/2019 06:00

Today, I sat in my doctor's office and broke down, crying and shaking, with a blood pressure of 190, getting off my chest everything that has gone wrong in my life lately. To which the doctor, well into her sixties, replied, "My goodness, I've never met anyone with so many problems!" FML

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By beeee - 26/7/2010 04:03 - Australia

Today, I moved in with my boyfriend. Up until now, I thought my cat was the only four year old I had to deal with. FML

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By Mary - 21/10/2019 22:00 - United States

He's trying to kill you!

Today, while at a party, my boyfriend threw a temper tantrum. He screamed at me and then gave me the silent treatment. All because I said, "No thank you" to the crab dip he got for me. I'm allergic to shellfish, we've been dating for two years and it's come up before. FML

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By gordy1220 - 13/2/2010 18:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I got back from my daughter's flat in Scotland. I got a flight there yesterday morning to surprise her on her 21st birthday. Nobody told her I was coming. When I got there, it turned out she decided to get a plane to London to surprise me. £200 on flights, and I didn't even get to see her. FML

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By Travolta - 14/8/2011 04:50 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a party. I tried dancing in public for the first time ever. Judging by the whispers, stares and giggles, I'm never doing it again. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 08:08

Like what you see?

Today, I accidentally sent a nude to my cousin, instead of the girl who shares the same name. She liked it. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2014 23:38 - Canada - Dartmouth

Today, my boyfriend informed me of how I had really hurt his feelings. Apparently, not wanting to be sent a photo of his poop is hurtful. FML

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By cane - 5/3/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, my mom needed coffee so I drove to Starbucks to get her some. She let me drive the Porsche, which has never happened. Upon coming home I picked the coffee up out of the cupholder so it wouldnt spill. My phone vibrated in my pocket, I spilled the coffee and crashed the car into the garage. FML

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By wtfisthisworldcomingto - 25/4/2011 12:11

Today, I was mugged. The guy mugging me was eating a banana. FML

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By Noname - 14/3/2009 18:22 - United States

Today, I checked my Facebook to find I had been tagged in a bunch of photos from a party I had attended last night. On each picture I had a comment from my mom saying, "You're grounded." FML

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Top comments

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7647195 - Tuesday 12 June 2018 19:14

Simple solution. Clean the glass with a hammer. Then no one can smear there hands on it. And there will be a nice breeze. It’s a win-win.

By tranced_ | 44

#7647197 - Tuesday 12 June 2018 19:15

Looks like a window of opportunity knocking at your door! Opportunity to clean it once again 😂👍🏻🙃

COMMENTS

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7647195 - Tuesday 12 June 2018 19:14

Simple solution. Clean the glass with a hammer. Then no one can smear there hands on it. And there will be a nice breeze. It’s a win-win.

Reply

JustThatPerson | 21

#7647255 - Tuesday 12 June 2018 20:22

Or just clean the kid with a hammer.

By tranced_ | 44

#7647197 - Tuesday 12 June 2018 19:15

Looks like a window of opportunity knocking at your door! Opportunity to clean it once again 😂👍🏻🙃

By ChromoTec | 24

#7647251 - Tuesday 12 June 2018 20:17

Why was the kid's hand sweaty and sticky? I wonder...

By boopingsnoot | 23

#7647268 - Tuesday 12 June 2018 20:38

How hot is “scorching” in the UK? Southeast US can get to 110F (38C).

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7647279 - Tuesday 12 June 2018 20:57

How big of a deal can this be? Take a rag and follow him and his hand. Done.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7647294 - Tuesday 12 June 2018 21:29

Kids' filthy hands = job security!

By Jeremy Phillips | 18

#7658179 - Sunday 8 July 2018 0:46

Try working with Kids and having them grab at your hand with sticky sweaty hands