Today, to make my dorm neighbours think I'm popular, I blasted... - FML

By freshman - 25/3/2011 23:05 - Canada

Today, to make my dorm neighbours think I'm popular, I blasted music and screamed at the top of my lungs so it sounded like I was having a party. My residence manager slapped me with a noise violation, and demanded to come in to make sure we weren't drinking. I had to explain why I was by myself. FML

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Work name

Nice neighborhood

Assumptions

By Bleach dat Blood - 20/7/2015 03:02

Today, I woke to find a pool of my own blood all over my pillow. Frantic to find the source of the blood, I rushed into the bathroom and tripped over my too-long pajama pants. Crashing to the floor face first, I broke my nose. Turns out I had just bitten my lip in the middle of the night. FML

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By babymomma - 14/9/2009 14:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me. Why? Our one month old's hair is growing in blonde, and we both have dark hair. Did I cheat? No. I had blonde hair as a child until I was 4... As did every one else born in my family. I guess this factor doesn't count when you're paranoid. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2016 00:22

Today, a coworker told me I was "fat shaming" them by discussing weight loss with other coworkers. FML

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By I quit - 19/11/2011 00:48 - United States

Today, MS Word kept crashing with a memory error, so I called tech support. Instead of actually fixing the problem, their tech wasted over an hour of my time defragmenting the hard drive, disabling the anti-virus, and downloading new video card drivers from some shady site, before giving up. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2010 18:55 - Canada

Today, my family threw me a surprise party for my 29th Birthday. My brother-in-law sent me a text telling me they were all waiting for me to arrive. Thinking it was at my sister's home, I drove two hours there. It was actually at my parents' house. I missed my party and they ate my cake. FML

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By Now Single - 3/4/2011 08:06 - Reserved

Today, I got back from vacation and walked in on my boyfriend and my brother in my bed. FML

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By anonymous - 26/5/2013 12:23 - Australia

Today, I was in bed with my fiancé. After a while of quiet cuddling, I said, "Babe, I have cold feet." He replied with, "Me too. Let's call off the wedding." I was talking about the actual temperature of my feet. Our wedding is tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2011 23:54 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend called me over to her house. When I knocked, no one responded to the door. I decided to check the back yard and found her sunbathing by the pool. I kneeled by her and placed my hand on her butt, kissing her neck. What I heard next, "So this is what you do with my daughter." FML

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By not_very_smart - 24/7/2013 06:44 - United States

Today, it was so hot in the un-airconditioned gym that when I got up off the floor, I slipped in my own pool of sweat and got a concussion. FML

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By HannahBretts - 24/8/2013 05:28 - United States - Turlock

Today, I'm watching a TV show about horrible germs in hotel rooms that you can catch from a bed... while I am stuck in a hotel room... on the bed. FML

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By Btdtgts - 25/3/2017 14:00

Today, I had to take out the grease traps from our fryers. A very rude co-worker cut me off, so I had to abruptly stop and try to prevent as much spilling as possible. Luckily, it only spilled on me. I'm here for six more hours with burned, smelly, greasy spots all over my skin and clothes. FML

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By SteveBassist - 27/3/2018 15:00

Today, while playing on stage, the singer of my band swung his microphone around, straight into my face. I now have stitches above my right eye, and a job interview in three days. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2016 01:02 - United States - Mio

Today, I woke up in the hospital after my sister saved me from "hanging" myself. In reality, my sister choked me because I ate her last chicken nugget. FML

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By Crappy - 11/4/2015 12:12 - Canada - Rodney

Today, I got trapped in my building's elevator for over an hour, with my dog who I had been rushing outside with because he had explosive diarrhea. FML

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By Lewis - 4/9/2010 11:02 - Australia

Today, I walked in the door and heard my husband calling me to the bedroom. I got a little excited, took my clothes off, and walked into the bedroom. I forgot our mortgagor was inspecting our house today. FML

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By squirt - 5/7/2009 16:48 - United States

Today, was my wedding day. Right before I walked down the aisle in my gorgeous white dress the woman who did my makeup saw a blemish. She went to squirt concealer on her finger and squirted the orange concealer all over my dress. FML

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By sorryyouweregone - 25/3/2013 13:13 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I was at a goodbye dinner with friends before I move back to America. A friend called to cry over relationship problems she refuses to fix. While I was outside trying to politely get off the phone, my friends ate and drank everything I'd ordered and closed the bill. FML

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By BriarFace - 29/3/2016 01:56 - United States - Springfield

Today, I put up a sign asking motorcyclists to slow down near horses, as the noise can spook them. While I was riding near the sign, a biker slowed to read it, looked at me, then revved his engine loudly and raced off. My horse bucked me off into some brambles and bolted. FML

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By DormHater - 23/8/2010 23:09 - United States

Today, I helped move my current boyfriend into his new dorm room. This would've been fine if I didn't have to do this while avoiding eye contact with my ex-boyfriend, who just happens to be my boyfriend's new roommate. FML

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By ForgottenKid - 6/11/2009 06:13 - United States

Today, I saw my grandmother. All of my cousins and I went to say "hi" to her, one by one. When I got up to her and said, "Hi grandma!", she said in Chinese, "I don't remember this one." FML

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By Tyler_Padgett - 24/5/2009 23:52 - United States

Today, I was lighting fireworks for my cousin's birthday in my Grandmother's yard. When it came time to light the "Grand Finale", I read on the outside of the box,"Face this side toward crowd for best result". After I lit it, I realized that it was on it's side. I shot 100 fireworks at my family. FML

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By Marian - 23/3/2009 19:37 - United States

Today, I had an anxiety attack when I was hanging out with my boyfriend. He pulled me close to him and I started to feel better, until he put my hand down his pants and around his penis and said, "Here! Try this to take your mind off it." FML

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By concernedson - 12/9/2010 11:34 - Australia

Today, while my mom was out, my family agreed upon the assumption that she has a "shopping problem." I argued against it for quite a while, until she pulled up minutes later with a what seemed like a life-time supply of canned condensed milk. FML

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By cduttl1230 - 26/6/2010 00:30 - United States

Today, after getting my appendix taken out, we had to drive over five sets of railroad tracks. Then, my four year old brother decided to punch me in the stomach because, "I took away his mommy for two days." FML

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By BryanTazed - 22/8/2015 12:21 - United States - Ashland

Today, I woke up early for work. Had my coffee, finished up a report and headed out of my house. Not only was the office closed today, but the silent alarm was on, which is triggered by a door opening even if you use a key. I was startled by the cops searching the building, ran, and got tazed. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2009 16:52 - United States

Today, is my birthday and my friends and I went to our favorite pub to celebrate. As I'm a little broke at the moment, they all offered to buy me birthday drinks. Which I later learned meant that they would order them for me and bring it to the table, but put everything on my tab. FML

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By dancer4life - 9/1/2010 03:04 - United States

Today, in ballet class, I was really focusing and actually trying to work hard. I was really getting into the choreography. I was travelling big and leaping long. While going across the floor, again I travelled and leaped... right into the ballet bars and fell over, in front of 35 people. FML

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By Lace - 23/8/2010 04:17 - United States

Today, my husband just told me that he no longer loves me but keeps me around to handle his finances. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2020 20:04

More proof the system is broken

Today, my younger sister, who lives at home and worked 1 day a week at the gym, got her unemployment card. I work at a hospital, on the frontlines, with COVID-19 patients. I don't get hazard pay. She now makes more than me in a week by sitting at home watching Netflix, while I risk my life every day to help people. FML

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By Crys - 29/12/2018 12:00 - Canada - Kingston

Today, I decided to finish up some Christmas shopping. Instead, I ended up having to buy a present for myself - a new alternator after my car died and left me stranded. FML

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By MYLIFESUX - 12/4/2009 06:50 - United States

Today, I was sitting using my laptop, I was also eating a bag of starbursts. They bag slid off the bed, I went to catch them and in the process my knee hit my laptop which flew off the bed onto the wooden floor, and shattered. I broke my $2,500 laptop to save 11 starbursts from falling. FML

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By ThanksMa - 22/3/2009 19:45 - Canada

Today, my mother and I walked past my boyfriend, whom she's never met. After we casually greeted each other and went on our way my mother says, "He's cute. Who is he?" I paused for a second and replied, "That's my boyfriend." She then asks, "Does he know that?" FML

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By samantha246 - 11/5/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, I was pulling out of my driveway, and was being aware of the flowers I had just planted. I moved my head to look out my window as not to hit them, not realizing my window was up. I then hit my head break my nose and drive over the flowers. FML

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By timon_n_pumbaa - 11/1/2020 09:00 - Japan - Tokyo

Second time

Today, I found myself locked in a bathroom for the second time in my life. This time at least I was at home. I live alone. I had to break the window on the shower door and crawl out. Now, I need to crawl in/out to shower, brush my teeth and more. FML

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By LowOnGas - 2/5/2019 18:00

Today, I drove my toddler to a schoolmate’s birthday party at a chuck-e-Cheese an hour drive away, only to find out the party is tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2010 18:09 - Greece

Today, my family and I attended a pool party. I never learned to swim, so I didn't bring a suit. When someone asked why I wasn't in the pool, my sister replied in a loud voice, "She's on her period and didn't want the pool to get dirty!" Thanks. FML

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By Carmen VanDiest - 24/4/2020 02:00

Legit logic

Today, I asked my husband why his socks are always inside-out in the laundry basket. He replied, "So the insides get clean." FML

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By CheLi - 8/12/2009 05:09 - United States

Today, my boyfriend finally invited me over to his parents house so I could meet them. My boyfriend, his dad and I were sitting in the living room, when I saw a really sketchy person outside, so I said, "There is some creepy hobo man outside, messing with your trash." The "creepy hobo" was his mom. FML

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By Maxime - 28/2/2014 00:32 - France - Paris

Today, I called a company for a problem with our septic tank. Two workers show up, I take them into the garden to show them the manhole cover at the top of it. They open it up. We then gaze upon a sea of condoms floating on the surface. My wife and I don't use condoms. FML

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By sweet92 - 15/5/2009 04:32 - United States

Today, I went to a store to buy pants for a new job. A really hot guy helped me get a pair down from a high shelf so I could try them on. He had flirted with me so I hurried in the fitting room so I could go talk to him. Note to self: Check to see if you have pants on after trying on clothes. FML

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Top comments

By mikejunior88 | 4

#2243322 - Saturday 26 March 2011 8:08

Fail. YDI.

By maz255 | 10

#2243335 - Saturday 26 March 2011 8:10

wht does screaming have to do with being at a party? do people just scream out at random?

Comments

By mikejunior88 | 4

#2243322 - Saturday 26 March 2011 8:08

Fail. YDI.

Reply

cross3 | 3

#2243498 - Saturday 26 March 2011 8:47

agreed lmfao 

ydi for being weird lmfao

Reply

liquidfireKAN | 0

#2244294 - Saturday 26 March 2011 13:55

yeah I doubt they even cared.. That was a pretty stupid thing to do...

Reply

dirtyblond | 4

#2244787 - Saturday 26 March 2011 16:15

YDI for being selfish & not inviting anyone else over!

Reply

Jizwold | 0

#2244901 - Saturday 26 March 2011 16:37

ydi for wanting to have a party. just get high by urself and then go fuck ur girlfriend it's basically the same experience but without all ur shit being broken and a hangover

Reply

laurbear12 | 3

#2246776 - Sunday 27 March 2011 4:00

81 shut up

Reply

cupcake10101 | 0

#2259138 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 4:29

forever alone...

By Salcedo18 | 0

#2243332 - Saturday 26 March 2011 8:10

your so lame

Reply

bugmefmlnotnow | 7

#2243341 - Saturday 26 March 2011 8:10

You're

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#2243440 - Saturday 26 March 2011 8:26

You're so vain, you probably think this comment is about you.

Reply

a_girl_i_know | 0

#2243470 - Saturday 26 March 2011 8:38

Mike Posner song reference?

Reply

AtoZnumbersand_ | 1

#2243487 - Saturday 26 March 2011 8:44

Mike Posner song reference? Wow... just... no.

I was going to go off on a tangent about 12 year olds but according to your profile you're 23. You have no excuse.

FOR SHAME!!!

Reply

a_girl_i_know | 0

#2243504 - Saturday 26 March 2011 8:47

please explain what was so wrong with my comment

Reply

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#2243542 - Saturday 26 March 2011 8:57

haha mike posner..... good one. Carly Simon ftw

Reply

a_girl_i_know | 0

#2243555 - Saturday 26 March 2011 9:01

well I'm sorry I guess? He just has a song that contains a similar line.

Reply

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#2243587 - Saturday 26 March 2011 9:09

it's ok it's not your fault, it's society's fault.

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#2243594 - Saturday 26 March 2011 9:12

It's actually more or less the same line, but I was quoting Carly Simon's 'You're So Vain' from 1972.

Reply

rallets | 22

#2244006 - Saturday 26 March 2011 12:19

you think youre cooler than me

Reply

zDylanz | 6

#2244052 - Saturday 26 March 2011 12:37

Nice life...

By maz255 | 10

#2243335 - Saturday 26 March 2011 8:10

wht does screaming have to do with being at a party? do people just scream out at random?

Reply

nikkilynne | 0

#2243552 - Saturday 26 March 2011 9:01

It all depends on what you're on man.

Reply

CommonSenseKarma | 17

#2243663 - Saturday 26 March 2011 9:41

Think about it, maz. Just sit back and think a looonng little think...

Reply

Laughing_Cow | 0

#2244202 - Saturday 26 March 2011 13:21

why can't they just whisper

Reply

SassiestLemon | 2

#2245159 - Saturday 26 March 2011 17:40

57- Exactly, then everybody could be stoned in peace.

Reply

Skoff_fml | 27

#6215692 - Friday 27 February 2015 14:24

All the best parties are full of screamers

By bugmefmlnotnow | 7

#2243353 - Saturday 26 March 2011 8:12

YDI YDI; You deserve it you dumb idiot.

Reply

SassiestLemon | 2

#2245172 - Saturday 26 March 2011 17:43

6- You're so right, you stupid, stupid face.

By oooKiLLaHooo | 0

#2243369 - Saturday 26 March 2011 8:15

wow..ydi for being so pathetic..maybe if you spent more time trying to get friends than pretending to have friends, then you'd actually have some.

Reply

iluffmcrandbvb | 1

#2245791 - Saturday 26 March 2011 23:47

haha i love ur profile pic

By Littlemiss__LOL | 0

#2243370 - Saturday 26 March 2011 8:15

Agreed. Maybe you should spend less time pretending to have friends, and go out and actually make some.

By a_girl_i_know | 0

#2243375 - Saturday 26 March 2011 8:16

You're that desperate? That's just sad

By thatnucca | 36

#2243384 - Saturday 26 March 2011 8:17

I was going to ask if you screamed that loud during sex too, but with the above-stated desperate antics, I hardly doubt if those bushes down there aren't still filled with squirrels... Smh! YDI!

Reply

jimmyjamesyall | 4

#2246641 - Sunday 27 March 2011 3:33

Wow, exactly none of that made sense. You're the worst person there is, except for OP.

Reply

born_hustla | 26

#2247178 - Sunday 27 March 2011 6:04

OD lol.

By Littlemiss__LOL | 0

#2243386 - Saturday 26 March 2011 8:17

He should get an eviction notice!!

By denvan | 0

#2243419 - Saturday 26 March 2011 8:23

Wow I hope you're blow up doll wasn't traumatized

Reply

beryd | 0

#2243433 - Saturday 26 March 2011 8:25

your

Reply

BahahahLOL | 0

#2243854 - Saturday 26 March 2011 11:09

beryd likes it up the butt

Reply

Andie94Claudia | 0

#2244393 - Saturday 26 March 2011 14:20

lmao right! poor doll!