Work: Today, my mom told me that she doesn't want me to help any of...

By son - Israel

Today, my mom told me that she doesn't want me to help any of my friends get a job at the restaurant I work at. Apparently, she thinks that they would do a better job than me and get me fired. FML

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Work

Sorry…

#1 Dad of the day

Narcissistic parents FTW

By feminista - Guatemala - Guatemala City

Today, I finally lost my virginity, all while in the passionate throes of an asthma attack. FML

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By acme - Israel

Today, I found out why it might be awkward to have your plumber and your least well-behaved dog share a name. Bad plumber. FML

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By Ngbaheir - United Kingdom

Today, after weeks of my crazy girlfriend avoiding me because she knew I wanted to break up with her, I had no option but to do it by text. She told all my friends, who now think I'm a coward who isn't man enough to break up in person. They didn't even ask for my side of the story. FML

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28331

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By badDriver - United States

Today, I hit a parked car. It happened to be my driving instructor's car. While he was instructing me, sitting in the passenger seat. I don't think I'll pass. FML

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By spideypowers - United States

Today, as I was using my mom's computer, a spider crawled onto the screen. So as per my usual reaction to seeing a spider, I smashed it as fast as I could. I missed the spider, but now I have to buy my mom a new monitor. FML

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By prayforme - United States

Today, I woke up next to the girl I had drunk intercourse with last night. Before we got it on, I noticed a package of birth control pills on her nightstand. Because of this, I felt no need to use a condom, or pull out. When I woke up, I noticed those "pills" were actually a makeup case. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend dumped me. Not for cheating or for flirting, but because I wear tighty whities. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found myself actively concerned about what the characters from "Will and Grace" have been doing since the show went off the air. FML

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By Noname - France

Today, whilst brushing my teeth, I fell asleep poking myself in the eye with my toothbrush. FML

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By Devil's Pigeon

Today, on vacation, I had my first encounter with a macaw parrot, who promptly bit my ear and shat on me while amused tourists laughed and took pictures. FML

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4170

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By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I went to get a haircut. Who shows up not 5 minutes later to also get a haircut? My obnoxious, bully of a boss. She started chatting with me across the salon the entire time. There was no way to get out of the conversation. FML

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28018

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after getting a pat of appreciation from my girlfriend's father for taking it slow, he found me later, in her room, with my head between her thighs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I washed all the dishes and cups from the family dinner last night and put them away. When my wife saw, she had a mini OCD breakdown and yelled at me because the cups weren't lined up with each other with the handles aligned and the flower pictures facing out left. FML

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By Lua - France - Laon

Today, my friends renamed my dog, “Dog Vader.“ Yes, my dog has asthma. FML

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10294

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By HouseWife - United States - Valley Park

Today, I had to take my daughter home from school because she had been caught flashing the boys during class. I tried to explain to her that it wasn't an appropriate way to act or behave but she interrupted me, "Mom, you don't even understand." You're right. I don't. FML

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By 2nd best - 6/11/2020 11:01 - United States

Who the fuck asked you?

Today, my fiancée's ex sent me screenshots of their conversation. In it, he told her how badly he’d wanted to marry her, what a great life he'd have given her and what a huge mistake she'd made by letting him get away. My ring, our house even our pets should’ve been hers. Gee, thanks for settling. FML

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By castironstomach

Today, I learned that my daughter will literally eat until she is sick to keep her father and brothers from getting her dessert. I also learned that my boys are sympathetic vomiters. All five of them. FML

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2663

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By AlonsoKold - United States - Jackson

Today, my girlfriend threatened to break up with me because I don't like her Facebook statuses enough. FML

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47157

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By Wow. Really? - United States - Columbus

Today, my fiancée broke off our engagement. For some bizarre reason, she'd hidden a pair of expensive boots and her iPad underneath our ride-on mower. I turned the mower on and destroyed both without realizing it. According to her, the fault is all mine. FML

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By Random737193 - United States - Haddonfield

Today, my girlfriend and I somehow got into the conversation of what the weirdest thing we have ever found in food was. She said she found paper in her fortune cookie; she was serious. FML

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32048

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By toelie

Today, at 6 weeks pregnant, I went to the ER in the middle of the night for severe abdominal pain, fearing ectopic pregnancy. Turns out it was just a wayward turd. FML

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3779

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By Disturbed - United States

Today, I just found out that my brother in law and his wife frequent a swingers establishment that me and the wife have visited. Which is OK I suppose (providing we never see each other there) but he told me his parents go there too. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Butler

Today, after working the night shift, I accidentally left my iPod at the office. I woke up later and went on Facebook. To my dismay, I saw some coworker had posted stuff on my wall, such as, "I really have to take a shit!" and "Yes, my tits are real!" FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, a girl I met recently asked if I wanted to go jogging with her, and I excitedly agreed. A while into our run, I ran out of breath and doubled over panting, all while she kept jogging and slowly disappeared down the street. What a way to spend time together. FML

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44354

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By HenryRollinsForPresident - United States - Edmond

Today, I was waiting for my wife in a mall when some kids came and sat near me, wearing band t-shirts. I recognized some, as I was into The Smiths and Black Flag in my youth. I tried to strike up a music-fan chat with them. "Fuck off, grandad" and "Ew, pedo" is all I got in return. FML

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28429

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By xmeatballx21 - United States

Today, I received a phone call from my old boss asking me why I wasn't at work, to which I responded, "Because you fired me yesterday". He didn't say anything, and hung up. FML

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42290

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By Creeped out - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I was trying on some shoes. As I was bending down, an old lady with a walking frame slowly approached. As she got close she whispered to me "Mmm, you've got a nice tushie." My girlfriend will not let me hear the end of it. FML

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31012

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By wow - United States

Today, I took a massive dump at work and clogged the industrial toilet. Since I used the unisex one at the end of the hall, I watched my super hot coworker walk in after me. And then she ran out immediately. Everyone had seen me walk out before her. FML

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19387

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By NeitherHrotsvitNorErkembaldus - Canada - Toronto

Today, I learned that the hardest part of marrying a historian is choosing baby names. His top choices derive from two Roman magistrates, two abbesses, a tenth-century author, and an obscure Greek official. I already let him name our pug, for whom he chose the name "Tertullianus." FML

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14536

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By tsukinoie - United States

Today, I invited my best friend to sleep on my couch while he looks for a new place. He walked inside, dropped his stuff on the floor and asked me my policy on hookers. I laughed it off as a joke. Half an hour later my doorbell rang. He took my laughter as a yes. FML

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45520

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By anon - United States

Today, my child was refusing to leave the playground. I had to pry her, screaming and crying, from the monkey bars. I then realized I had been assaulting someone else's kid. FML

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16970

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By fail - United States

Today, I worked a car wash as a fundraiser. Being nice I figured I'd bring my car, get it washed, and donate some money. When it was my car's turn to be washed, everyone was conveniently busy washing other cars. My car was in front and needed to be washed and moved. I paid $10 to wash my own car. FML

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By stifledbyyou - United States

Today, while I was working at McDonald's, a man and his wife ordered a Sundae. I gave the guy his sundae and realized I'd forgotten something. I said, "One second sir. Let me grab your nuts." I realized what I said when his wife gave me the death glare. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36224

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By KAAALIS - United States

Today, I bit my boyfriend's neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML

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By nearlythere - Australia

Today, I was getting ready to perform a speech in anthropology on the globalization of public transportation and how it brings cultures together. On the bus ride there, the girls behind me were discussing ways to hide their track marks after injecting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24332

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By Anonymous - Belgium - Ieper

Today, I realised what kind of man I married when I finally shelved his book, "Getting Things Done", still untouched 3 months after buying it. FML

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18307

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By wiper

Today, my dad hid the toilet paper and is charging me 50 cents a roll. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36345

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By PandaMantis - United States

Today, I sent my romantic interest a sexy text about a dream I had about a "sex gameshow." I sent it by replying to the last text sent. I'm now responsible for traumatizing my 12 year old niece who could only reply, "Like Jeopardy?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

12295

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By fmmlll - United States

Today, I'm going on an 8 hour drive with my insane family. This usually means screaming arguments, graphic conversations about my dad's pubes, some karaoke, plenty of farting, some stale Pringles, and an obese golden retriever on my lap the entire time. Arizona, here we come. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32362

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By haappynewyear - United States

Today, I got into a nasty fight, and ended up leaving with a black eye. The fight was with a champagne bottle cork. I was opening the bottle to celebrate the New Year, at home, alone. FML

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Top comments

By NinjaSonic | 0

#962093 - Thursday 18 March 2010 16:16

Well then, prove her wrong. Then go get ice-cream

By rockstarajl | 0

#962058 - Thursday 18 March 2010 16:08

good advice.

COMMENTS

By mahamii_93 | 0

#962032 - Thursday 18 March 2010 16:03

lmao! FYL

navybabebridget | 0

#962061 - Thursday 18 March 2010 16:08

haha well mother knows best and shes probably right..

greendaygirl999 | 5

#962290 - Thursday 18 March 2010 17:46

Well I guess that's a hint that you should work harder at your job

lanceypoo | 0

#962453 - Thursday 18 March 2010 19:10

or just don't work at all if you fail that hard.

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#963102 - Thursday 18 March 2010 23:05

suggestion: work harder

redshortsx | 0

#963434 - Friday 19 March 2010 1:31

hahaha even your mummy thinks you fail at life. you need to see a shrink

RaptorJeezus | 1

#963577 - Friday 19 March 2010 3:11

Boss: You're fired! OP: Why? Boss: Your mom got the job, it was a clever ploy to get your friends out of the way! MUAHAHA!

By hey01_fml | 0

#962043 - Thursday 18 March 2010 16:05

haha awesome mom

ryguy1997 | 0

#963218 - Thursday 18 March 2010 23:47

yes exactly... many fmls end that way,.,

andruha1123 | 5

#963970 - Friday 19 March 2010 7:27

1)make daughter feel bad.
2)get daughter fired.
2)xxxxxx
3)profit

davex | 0

#2845076 - Friday 8 July 2011 6:04

Hahaha this is something I can see my mom doing. Crazy moms, gotta love'em!

By rockstarajl | 0

#962058 - Thursday 18 March 2010 16:08

good advice.

By julien672 | 0

#962092 - Thursday 18 March 2010 16:16

Fyl :( that sucks ass

By NinjaSonic | 0

#962093 - Thursday 18 March 2010 16:16

Well then, prove her wrong. Then go get ice-cream

DESTROYERS3 | 0

#963770 - Friday 19 March 2010 4:50

HAHA! truee

By CallMeHush | 0

#962101 - Thursday 18 March 2010 16:18

You wil never, never, never live it down if you do and she is right. Don't do it!

CallMeHush | 0

#963991 - Friday 19 March 2010 7:50

Maybe a little.

By NinjaSonic | 0

#962111 - Thursday 18 March 2010 16:21

Yeah screw my first comment. Don't do it. You're mom might be right and you will never live it down!

By rohosoccer08 | 1

#962119 - Thursday 18 March 2010 16:23

weird, this is from isreal?

Odiny147 | 0

#962127 - Thursday 18 March 2010 16:27

haha^

gagneana000 | 5

#963863 - Friday 19 March 2010 5:49

How is that weird or "haha"????

By jayjaysmokerson | 0

#962132 - Thursday 18 March 2010 16:29

was she right about that? because if so u might want to follow her advise.

By sublime93 | 0

#962133 - Thursday 18 March 2010 16:29

Almost positive there was this same FML recently