Today, my mom told me that she doesn't want me to help any of...

By son - 18/3/2010 11:15 - Israel

Today, my mom told me that she doesn't want me to help any of my friends get a job at the restaurant I work at. Apparently, she thinks that they would do a better job than me and get me fired. FML

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Work

Alexa, play "Boredom" by Buzzcocks

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

This is fine

By Anonymous - 2/9/2009 09:20 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a shower together for the first time. He was trying impress me and did some sort of dance move, he slipped, and when he fell he kicked my leg out causing me to fall and hit my face on the faucet. FML

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By kat - 28/11/2018 15:30

Today, I posted my phone for sale on Facebook. Someone hit me up to buy it and wanted me to meet them. I didn't really want to drive to them, but I'm a mom of 2 and I needed food and some extra cash so I did it. The guy asked to look at the phone and ran off with it. FML

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By cchandler - 23/9/2009 01:10 - United States

Today, I received a phone call from the number of a "single" guy I met online. It was his wife, who is three months pregnant. She threatened to kick my ass. FML

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By the_music_major - 19/10/2010 01:09 - United States

Today, I discovered my neighbors have bought a karaoke machine. FML

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By - 16/1/2017 17:07

Today, my flatmate wanted to introduce me to his new friend, saying we'd, "get along great". Within the first half hour, she'd used the word "lit" eight times, and dabbed four times. FML

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By Kendal - 23/8/2011 18:18 - Canada

Today, I was baking cookies. I stared at them for 15 minutes and finally asked my dad, "Why are these taking so long?" He looked up at the oven and replied, "It might help if you turn the oven on." FML

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By Maryann - 8/2/2018 01:30

'Murica

Today, I told my dad I started taking jiu-jitsu lessons. He responded by laughing and saying, "Martial arts are for pussies, you should just get a gun." FML

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By B_McG - 25/11/2009 18:31 - Canada

Today, I found out that my mother has been purposely wrecking every relationship I've had since junior high because ''no one is good enough for her little girl''. FML

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By Dockin - 14/2/2019 15:37 - India

Today, I slashed my ass open with a shard of glass. How? I was making out with my crush, and threw my glasses on the ground. I forgot about them when we decided to lie down. FML

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By areyoukiddingme - 7/9/2013 04:50 - United States

Today, I got yelled at by my mom for not being surprised enough at my surprise birthday party. She'd told me about it while drunk the night before. FML

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By MySistersDogisStupid - 13/1/2017 22:00

Today, I took mine and my sister's dog for a walk in the park near my house. The dog managed to find a large piece of rotting, frozen meat buried in the snow and tried to eat it. I had to pry it from his mouth and can't get the smell out of my gloves and coat. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2011 05:11 - United States

Today, I brought my own thermos of coffee on the train with me, the kind that flips open to uncover the mouth part. I take a few swigs and notice a cute boy nervously smiling at me. Suddenly, I feel something drip down my nose. The flip part was leaving drops of coffee all over my forehead. FML

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By XYZee - 22/8/2012 20:27 - United States - Rockmart

Today, after quite a long work day, I got home to find my house had been broken into. Everything but my sleeping boyfriend was gone. FML

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By Joanne - 24/2/2012 13:26 - Australia

Today, my mother-in-law thought it would be appropriate to give my five-year-old daughter some bedclothes with the Playboy logo all over them. FML

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By Karlo Kračun - 9/7/2020 08:08

Poor Mr Nibbles

Today, my mom wanted to surprise me by buying me a hamster. When I got into her car, I was actually surprised and even said, "Hi" to the hamster. When we got home, the hamster was dead. FML

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By liquorless - 5/11/2012 14:02 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, my girlfriend's mother came over for a few hours. After she left I went to grab a drink, only to find that three bottles of expensive liquor were missing from our liquor cabinet. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2010 18:53 - United States

Today, I called my mother to check up on her. Lately, she's been having some financial problems, so last week I sent her my last $100 to help her out until her next paycheck. She used the money to euthanize the family dog. FML

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By The captain - 21/8/2011 23:09 - Canada

Today, I found out what it's like to get brain-freeze while recovering from a head injury. FML

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By Jerf - 24/6/2009 00:56 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on, and listening to loud music when she suddenly looked worried and asked if I heard something. I said no and continued. Moments later, three firemen opened the bedroom door and told us to get dressed and go outside because the building was on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2009 00:53 - United States

Today, I was attending a drug-free lecture at school. The speaker said, "There are many ways to quit smoking. You can try patches, gum, or even quitting cold turkey. Any questions?" I raised my hand, and she called on me. I asked, "How does cold turkey help?" And then I realized. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2009 02:43 - United States

Today, I was getting it on with my boyfriend in my dorm room. My roommate came in, despite the signal I had up on the door. She didn't leave. She got on her computer and started playing Solitaire. FML

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By Ugly_Broke_Medussssssa - 16/8/2018 01:30

Today, while working at my job in a luxury retail store, a woman left me a business card. It was for a plastic surgeon. FML

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By yaa - 26/5/2009 22:35 - Canada

Today, on my way out of the subway station, I noticed an older woman standing at the bottom of a flight of stairs with a large cart. I went up to her and asked if she needed help getting it up the stairs. She looks me up and down and says, "No, not from you." FML

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By nichaneely - 10/2/2010 03:32 - United States

Today, I was working when an older lady came up to buy a coffee. Her son cried for a cup of whipped cream to snack on. She shook her head, silently telling me to say no. I said we were out. The mother took her drink and said, "I'm sorry honey, but the mean man said you couldn't have any." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2010 05:16 - United States

Today, after struggling with anorexia for months, I got food poisoning. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2012 14:19 - United States

Today, school tuition has taken up so much of my paycheck that the only thing I had to eat for dinner was applesauce. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2019 16:00

Today, my husband is still swearing he’s not cheating, forgetting I have a bachelor's in criminal justice with a minor in criminology. Leaving for work 2 hours early going to the same address every morning? Late every evening going to the same said address? How stupid does he think I am? FML

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By d0pey - 20/2/2009 22:02 - United States

Today, I realized that there are more framed pictures of my mom's dog than pictures of me around the house. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2013 07:49 - United States

Today, I took my 13 year old fishing off the pier for dogfish. The only thing he caught was a piece of my ear. FML

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By Sarge9774 - 20/10/2016 20:35

Today, I found out that my uncle does not like my step daughter because she likes Star Wars. He stated that Star Trek was better and went on to verbally attack a 6-year-old. FML

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By jacquelle - 25/2/2010 18:12 - United States

Today, I came home to find that my roommate had done the laundry. At first, I was very appreciative. However, I wasn't so thankful when I found out she brought home the wrong basket from the laundromat. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2009 18:37 - United States

Today, I bought my mom a gift certificate for a spa treatment for two so we could spend some quality time together. She took my sister. FML

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By fineididntwantkidsanyway - 2/12/2012 23:39 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my girlfriend got into the Christmas cheer while giving me a hand job, smashing my nuts with her palm in time to her humming of Jingle Bells. FML

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By Stoodup - 26/3/2019 12:00

Today I spent an hour getting ready for my first date of the year, only to wait 30 min in the cold and then walking back home by myself. Why didn’t he show up? On his way to the date he got invited for a threesome and decided to do that instead. FML

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By spider-sarah - 8/10/2016 09:35 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I found out the hard way that if you leave your sheets on the washing line too long, spiders will go and make their new home in them. FML

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By Tancred - 15/9/2011 07:36 - Canada

Today, at my job serving, I went to clear the plates when the guy said, "Hold on a second." Thinking he wasn't quite finished, I went to put the plate back. He then reached in to his mouth, pulled out a dark brown object and threw it on the plate. It was a rotten tooth. I almost puked. FML

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By Noname - 1/2/2009 04:29 - United States

Today, my little sister and I were reading a book together and out of nowhere, she said "I love you". My heart melted and I told her that I love her too. Then she told me that she was talking to her stuffed animal, not me. FML

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By muffingirl - 10/2/2010 12:30 - United Kingdom

Today, while lying in bed, my boyfriend reached over and pinched my love handles and said "Where did this muffin top come from?". Then he sang "Do you know the muffin man?" to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2020 14:01 - United States

Invasion

Today, I went to clean my roof when something buzzed by my head and a sting hit my neck. It turns out there's a small nest of, like, five hornets just chilling outside of my window. I found a dead one on the desk in my bedroom. FML

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By hahahah111 - 25/5/2009 07:43 - United States

Today, my mom was driving me somewhere. As we were driving she got mad at a motorcycle driver telling to "get the fuck off the road." In response, the driver decided to spit into my open window. His spit landed on my face. FML

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Top comments

By NinjaSonic | 0

#962093 - Thursday 18 March 2010 16:16

Well then, prove her wrong. Then go get ice-cream

By rockstarajl | 0

#962058 - Thursday 18 March 2010 16:08

good advice.

COMMENTS

By mahamii_93 | 0

#962032 - Thursday 18 March 2010 16:03

lmao! FYL

navybabebridget | 0

#962061 - Thursday 18 March 2010 16:08

haha well mother knows best and shes probably right..

greendaygirl999 | 5

#962290 - Thursday 18 March 2010 17:46

Well I guess that's a hint that you should work harder at your job

lanceypoo | 0

#962453 - Thursday 18 March 2010 19:10

or just don't work at all if you fail that hard.

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#963102 - Thursday 18 March 2010 23:05

suggestion: work harder

redshortsx | 0

#963434 - Friday 19 March 2010 1:31

hahaha even your mummy thinks you fail at life. you need to see a shrink

RaptorJeezus | 1

#963577 - Friday 19 March 2010 3:11

Boss: You're fired! OP: Why? Boss: Your mom got the job, it was a clever ploy to get your friends out of the way! MUAHAHA!

By hey01_fml | 0

#962043 - Thursday 18 March 2010 16:05

haha awesome mom

ryguy1997 | 0

#963218 - Thursday 18 March 2010 23:47

yes exactly... many fmls end that way,.,

andruha1123 | 5

#963970 - Friday 19 March 2010 7:27

1)make daughter feel bad.
2)get daughter fired.
2)xxxxxx
3)profit

davex | 0

#2845076 - Friday 8 July 2011 6:04

Hahaha this is something I can see my mom doing. Crazy moms, gotta love'em!

By rockstarajl | 0

#962058 - Thursday 18 March 2010 16:08

good advice.

By julien672 | 0

#962092 - Thursday 18 March 2010 16:16

Fyl :( that sucks ass

By NinjaSonic | 0

#962093 - Thursday 18 March 2010 16:16

Well then, prove her wrong. Then go get ice-cream

DESTROYERS3 | 0

#963770 - Friday 19 March 2010 4:50

HAHA! truee

By CallMeHush | 0

#962101 - Thursday 18 March 2010 16:18

You wil never, never, never live it down if you do and she is right. Don't do it!

CallMeHush | 0

#963991 - Friday 19 March 2010 7:50

Maybe a little.

By NinjaSonic | 0

#962111 - Thursday 18 March 2010 16:21

Yeah screw my first comment. Don't do it. You're mom might be right and you will never live it down!

By rohosoccer08 | 1

#962119 - Thursday 18 March 2010 16:23

weird, this is from isreal?

Odiny147 | 0

#962127 - Thursday 18 March 2010 16:27

haha^

gagneana000 | 5

#963863 - Friday 19 March 2010 5:49

How is that weird or "haha"????

By jayjaysmokerson | 0

#962132 - Thursday 18 March 2010 16:29

was she right about that? because if so u might want to follow her advise.

By sublime93 | 0

#962133 - Thursday 18 March 2010 16:29

Almost positive there was this same FML recently