Animals: Today, my horse learned a new acrobatic trick. Unfortunately,... - FML

01/12/2016 08:07 - United States - Seattle

Today, my horse learned a new acrobatic trick. Unfortunately, I was still on top of him when he tried to somersault. The horse is fine. I'm in the hospital, fresh out of surgery for a broken femur. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 774

You deserved it 747

Commando

Good kid

Kids are gross

19/08/2009 07:53 - United States

Today, at the gas station I work a lady called wanting to know the "password" and if I was okay. Thinking it was a prank I hung up. A couple of minutes later she called back, this time asking if I could see the cops outside and telling me I'd be alright. I saw four of 'em. I'd hit the silent alarm by accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 566

You deserved it 40 474

26/01/2009 14:58 - United States

Today, I woke up and it was Monday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 455

You deserved it 11 851

26/07/2009 04:37 - United States

Spicy

Today, while in the middle of having sex with my husband, instead of saying something sexy in my ear, he whispered, "We are so gonna make pizza after this." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 657

You deserved it 7 579

06/04/2017 18:00

Today, I had to stop on a long trip to use the restroom at a gas station. Apparently, there was water damage beneath the toilet, because after about two minutes of doing my business, it collapsed about seven inches beneath the floor. Guess who got covered in water, black mold, and poo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 848

You deserved it 374

Busted

By Anonymous - 11/04/2021 08:00

Today, I felt like cheating on my diet and ordered a pizza. My mom and my sister were napping, so I put in the delivery notes, “Please don’t knock.” The delivery guy knocked anyway. LOUD. My mom and sister got up and saw everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 356

You deserved it 1 071

07/06/2015 21:48 - Netherlands - Hoorn

Today, an old lady in public transport yelled at me and my dog, called me a liar, and threw her grape soda over me because according to her my pet Shiba Inu was actually a fox, and keeping foxes as pets is illegal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 716

You deserved it 1 806

12/05/2013 16:37 - United States

Today, while I was out shopping, a fairly hideous-looking woman stormed up to me and accused me of ogling her, saying, "As if I'd ever date you!" Less than a minute later, she'd somehow managed to bully me into falsely admitting to it and apologizing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 120

You deserved it 14 709

02/04/2016 05:20 - United States - Dearborn

Today, a friend asked me to help him get rid of a girl who would't stop texting him. It worked perfectly. Now she's texting me nonstop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 877

You deserved it 3 398

06/11/2017 15:26

Today, I found out that my long-distance boyfriend just got married because his "real" girlfriend is pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 109

You deserved it 445

07/07/2019 14:00

Today, our dishwasher broke. It's my husband's chore to do the dishes, but he refused to hand-wash them, and instead suggested we take them all up to his mother's for her to put in her dishwasher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 703

You deserved it 202

22/02/2009 03:16 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went to the doctor with my parents. When the doctor asked if I was sexually active, I said 'Yes.' My mom laughed and said 'Good one.' My dad, for added effect said, 'Your hand doesn't count.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 988

You deserved it 7 193

28/09/2014 22:55 - Ireland

Today, I'm on the last day of my honeymoon in Ireland. My wife and I have an amazing hotel room and a huge bed. She's passed out drunk and if I even touch her, she needs the bucket next to our bed. So much for finishing our week on a "fun" note. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 229

You deserved it 6 536

18/12/2010 23:47 - United States

Today, I was trying to swat a wasp in my bedroom. I got so frustrated that I ended up punching myself in the face. The wasp is still here, and now I look like I've been in a brawl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 532

You deserved it 29 164

23/12/2018 20:00

Today my boss informed us that there were no more single shifts we were all working doubles until further notice. Also there’s a way for us to “earn” a half day but we have to out sell everyone else in the office to get it. So being new I haven’t had time off in two weeks... FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 408

You deserved it 172

31/08/2018 20:30

Today, I went to my dorm's community bathroom to do my business. After releasing the Kraken, as I was wiping, I accidentally let go of the toilet paper. Instead of the toilet, it hit the floor in the next stall. Someone was in there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 345

You deserved it 523

Confess!

By hitandrun - 10/08/2009 18:28 - United States

Today, I hit a parked car and fled because I was so scared. Four hours later, the cops showed up at my house so I broke down crying confessing everything. Turns out, they weren't there about the car I hit. They were alerting me about the string of burglaries in my neighborhood recently. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 147

You deserved it 75 355

03/01/2011 19:50 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me there was a tick on my shoulder and that he would remove it so I shouldn't worry. After about a half hour, lots of blood, and a ton of pain, he told me it was just a mole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 790

You deserved it 5 030

03/10/2009 07:59 - United States

Today, I woke up excited for my trip to Jamaica with my friends. We went to the airport, and I gave them my passport to check in. They gave it back. It had expired three weeks ago. I watched my friends board the plane while I'm stuck in the city. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 063

You deserved it 51 569

07/05/2016 01:40 - United States - Walnut

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my mom in the bathroom, washing a dildo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 159

You deserved it 2 410

14/11/2009 03:07 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of three years sent me a text saying: "I don't think we can see each other anymore, the nights were great, but I think I'm falling in love with Julie". I'm Julie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 421

You deserved it 2 921

31/01/2011 23:11 - United States

Today, I was woken up to my family surrounding me with breakfast in bed and sweet 16 balloons. My birthday is in 3 months, and I will be 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 105

You deserved it 4 102

Slippery slope

By bailey1389 - 26/08/2020 02:02 - United States

Today, I slipped on my son's Hot Wheels cars and fell onto a building made out of Lego. I now have a fractured tailbone and a broken wrist. I called my husband to tell him what happened and all he could do was laugh. My son didn't leave them on the floor, my husband did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 659

You deserved it 176

11/10/2015 04:10 - United States - Seattle

Today, as I was changing my sheets, I found a huge spider under my pillow. My 10 year old sister had to get rid of it for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 575

You deserved it 5 992

Instadrama

By etahrabayraa - 27/06/2020 08:08

Today, I was stalking a popular girl from my high school's account and my phone went bonkers. It looks like I liked and disliked the same video of hers over and over. I disabled my Instagram account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 620

You deserved it 1 434

06/05/2009 04:52 - United States

Today, my boss asked me to pick up some supplies for a presentation. I entered the store in the middle of an armed robbery, was knocked to the floor, and had my cash, phone and credit cards stolen. When I told my boss the story, she said, "So were you able to get the binder clips?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 357

You deserved it 3 369

04/09/2011 16:21 - United States

Spicy

Today, I finally got intimate with the girl I like. As I started lifting her shirt, she stuck her hand down my pants and grabbed my junk. She immediately stopped what she was doing, snickered, and calmly said, "Take me home." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 114

You deserved it 6 346

07/03/2010 19:56 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I went to a party and crashed on the bedroom floor. I woke up to sex noises coming from the bed. I pretended to still be asleep. I sent a text to my boyfriend to tell him about it. I heard his phone beep from over in the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 978

You deserved it 3 570

Cheap

By SmokeWeedErdayAllDay - 18/04/2020 17:00

Today, I was in the mood for some coffee, which is right down the street. I brought ten dollars with me, not knowing how much I'd need. When I approached the counter, the barista looked at my hand holding the ten-dollar bill and said, "Oh, our cheap things are on the left side of the menu." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 485

You deserved it 235

13/10/2011 23:25 - United States

Today, my dad took my phone away. This would be fine if I was 14. I'm 22 and pay for all of my own bills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 023

You deserved it 4 819

23/04/2011 20:18 - United States

Spicy

Today, I tried to spice things up in the bedroom by making love to my husband in a tight leather corset. I ended up passing out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 808

You deserved it 40 681

11/02/2009 01:44 - United States

Today, I got this huge package at my college dorm from my parents with candy, chips, canned soup and all these goodies. When I called my mom to thank her, she replied "We got rid of your cat, Annie". FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 138

You deserved it 2 571

22/01/2016 01:55 - United States - Bellefontaine

Today, I met up with my dad for the first time in 7 years. We planned to go to a nice restaurant but he changed the place we were going to, to Chuck E. Cheese. I'm 18 years old. I waited an hour for him to show up. I then ended up babysitting his daughter the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 895

You deserved it 1 592

14/03/2012 03:22 - United States

Today, my dad was driving me to college. I'd cracked a joke about how old people like him shouldn't be allowed to drive, and I guess he took it personally, what with him speeding straight up to the parking lot wall, and only braking after I started shrieking in terror. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 569

You deserved it 32 168

Help this person out, please?

By Anonymous - 14/03/2020 18:00 - Netherlands - Bergeyk

Today, I have no close friends, only "people I know and occasionally talk to." I have no idea how I got here, and how to re-socialize back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 558

You deserved it 182

03/04/2013 13:32 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I dropped our daughter. Our hypothetical daughter. Represented by a stuffed owl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 581

You deserved it 6 084

30/11/2009 00:47 - Canada

Today, I called my boyfriend to have a shoulder to cry on because my grandpa died. As soon as I told him, he started crying and telling me how much he missed his grandmother, who died six years ago. I spent the majority of the phone call listening to him wail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 484

You deserved it 5 972

24/04/2009 20:21 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I was getting ready for bed, when I decided to watch some porno on the computer. Suddenly someone from my messenger list says, "You might want to turn off the 'What You're Listening To' option if you're watching porn." I snapped and exited the porn. 63 people saw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 579

You deserved it 77 708

07/06/2019 16:00

Today, I woke up with really sore abs; not from working out at the gym, but because I've been coughing for 3 days straight and nothing is helping. Now every time I cough, it physically hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 465

You deserved it 118

31/01/2011 09:28 - United States

Today, I got married and I'd invited everyone from work including my boss. His way of congratulating me was to mention that I'm out of a job. He said it was a good time to do it because he thought I would be too happy or too drunk to care. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 450

You deserved it 2 783

Compassion? Pah!

By Anonymous - 28/02/2011 18:59 - United States

Today, my boyfriend woke up to me crying. He asked what was wrong, but before I could answer, he'd already rolled over and started snoring louder than ever, making the migraine I was crying about even worse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 899

You deserved it 6 602

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Thursday 1 December 2016 19:34

Thought that said 'broken lemur' at first. Hopefully the recovery process will be quick, OP, but in the meantime, you can enroll your horse in gymnastics, so it can be on its way to winning gold in the Olympics!

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Thursday 1 December 2016 19:39

It's ok, he was probably just horsing around.

Comments

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Thursday 1 December 2016 19:19

Hope you heal well- and I would recommend you kick the horse in the ass with the good leg.

ShadowWyvern666 16

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Thursday 1 December 2016 19:22

I would not recommend kicking a horse from behind

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Thursday 1 December 2016 19:52

I don't recommend kicking a horse at ALL. War horses existed for a reason after all, even if this specific horse isn't bred for that.

One_In_Three 24

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Thursday 1 December 2016 20:48

I was nearly killed by a horse before, yet I somehow burst out laughing reading that.

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Thursday 1 December 2016 19:31

Hope you have a speedy recovery OP!

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Thursday 1 December 2016 19:34

Thought that said 'broken lemur' at first. Hopefully the recovery process will be quick, OP, but in the meantime, you can enroll your horse in gymnastics, so it can be on its way to winning gold in the Olympics!

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Thursday 1 December 2016 19:39

It's ok, he was probably just horsing around.

Musicforlife29 12

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Thursday 1 December 2016 19:42

Don't get on a horse without knowing the risks. That really sucks though!

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Thursday 1 December 2016 21:40

Knowing the risks doesn't change anything when the horse starts acting up while you're already riding so that's kinda pointless to say. And considering OP said "MY horse" i think they did know the risks. Accidents happen.

taywuhsaurusrex 19

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Thursday 1 December 2016 23:34

Horses are (usually) smart animals with minds and personalities of their own. All equestrians accept that, and know injuries happen, but knowing the risks isn't going to help when your horse suddenly decides that something is scary, or gets bitten by a bug and startled, or pinched by a piece of tack, or tickled by their own mane, or suddenly decide they're having a bad day.

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Thursday 1 December 2016 19:51

Been there before, luckily I only had a bad contusion from my horse rearing up and flipping backwards on me. I later required surgery to have it removed. Hope you get well soon OP

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Thursday 1 December 2016 19:55

I also broke my femur horseback! A bit of advice: EAT HEALTHY!! it speeds up the healing process 100 fold!

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Thursday 1 December 2016 20:33

Imagine if he would have pulled it off! I would pay good money to see that.

RichardPencil 30

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Thursday 1 December 2016 20:34

Ouch! Sounds painful! Get well soon! I'm just thankful I'm male and don't have one of those!

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Thursday 1 December 2016 21:13

What? A femur is in your leg.

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Thursday 1 December 2016 21:30

Boys don't have legs. Didn't you know that?

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Thursday 1 December 2016 21:43

I just learned a new thing about male anatomy. I need to call my brother right now and ask him where he got his fake femurs.

RichardPencil 30

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Thursday 1 December 2016 22:05

These people just cannot recognize a joke when it bites them in the ass! I know the femur is the thigh bone and all humans normally have two.

False_Stupidity 41

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Friday 2 December 2016 4:29

Doesn't even make sense as a joke mate. Just admit to yourself that you flopped on this one and let it be. There's no sense in beating a dead horse.

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Thursday 1 December 2016 21:27

Are you sure you weren't on a donkey? Because your horse sounds like a real jackass.

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26

You deserved it 10

Today, my boyfriend came out as a polyamorous, and then immediately asked me if he could date another guy I thought was my friend. I’m such a pushover, I said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 126

You deserved it 408