Miscellaneous: Today, my dad asked me how I would feel about going on an all-expenses-paid,... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 99

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 509

You deserved it 138

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 213

You deserved it 1 752

25/07/2014 22:46

Today, my dad asked me how I would feel about going on an all-expenses-paid, month-long holiday to the Caribbean. I was ecstatic and broke into tears of joy, saying I'd love it. He replied, "Yeah, me too. Shame it ain't happening!" then left for work, laughing his arse off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 762

You deserved it 9 083

BO Central

Start 'em young

Ideal first date

14/12/2009 01:27

Today, I went to the grocery store where this really cute guy works. I swiped my card but the machine wouldn't read it. I swiped it quickly some more before getting frustrated and saying, "Your stupid machine doesn't work!" He took the card and turned it around. His face said it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 960

You deserved it 39 515

19/10/2015 18:04

Today, my financial situation is so dire that I tried to steal toilet paper from work. I got caught. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 912

You deserved it 5 757

19/04/2009 02:44

Today, I bought a brand new flat screen TV. When I brought it home it didn't work. Furious, I walked into Best Buy and yelled at a guy in a tucked in blue polo and khakis. I asked him why it didn't work and he said he didn't know. I kept screaming. He didn't have a nametag. He didn't work there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 777

You deserved it 130 186

28/10/2009 20:19

Today, I was working my job at Sephora when I overheard two women talking. One of them asked her friend, "Is being pretty a requirement to work here?" Her friend turned to see me, turned back to her friend and said, "I guess not." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 877

You deserved it 3 244

Reverse psychology

By Marie - 11/06/2020 17:12

Today, while trying to get my picky daughter to eat her dinner, I pretended to take some of her food and give it to her brother, thinking that would get her to eat it. Instead, she thanked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 029

You deserved it 720

recoils in horror

By Anonymous - 07/11/2017 06:00

Spicy

Today, I am violently allergic to my boyfriend's new hand cream. I know this because after last night's quickie on the sofa, I now have a rash all over my skin and weeping sores inside my vagina and around my bum hole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 577

You deserved it 838

11/12/2012 06:07

Today, at the gas station, the automatic door didn't open when I approached it. I asked the cashier to open it for me, joking that because I'm a redhead, I didn't have a soul and it wouldn't open for me. The cashier freaked and wouldn't let me go until I proved I had a soul. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 461

You deserved it 5 741

01/10/2013 10:18

Today, I purposely set my phone off in class to make it seem like I had friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 198

You deserved it 17 430

21/04/2017 20:00

Today, after climbing 8 flight of stairs due to electricity outage, I got to work only to find the office locked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 199

You deserved it 356

15/08/2010 09:47

Today, my Platoon Sergeant caught me unshaved, so now I have to write a 1000 word essay on "The importance of shaving." FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 551

You deserved it 40 471

A sand castle

By Roasted Marshmallows - 07/11/2019 03:30

Today, I took a DNA test and it turns out that the person who I thought was my dad is not my actual dad and my real dad is his best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 455

You deserved it 129

06/04/2012 00:41

Today, my girlfriend got pissed when I told her she needed to brush her teeth more than once a day. I could smell her breath from across the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 834

You deserved it 5 099

02/03/2010 06:46

Today, I'm a 25-year-old married woman and I'm currently living with my grandfather to take care of him. Today, he grounded me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 007

You deserved it 4 038

30/03/2013 04:06

Today, I turned 18. My parents got me a pineapple and a pair of socks. I'm allergic to pineapple, and the socks are too small. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 744

You deserved it 3 053

10/03/2010 18:42

Today, I came home and noticed that sometime while I was at school, someone cut off half of my ponytail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 823

You deserved it 4 480

16/01/2015 16:22

Today, my dad was fixing my wardrobe and pushed too hard, causing stuff to fall from the top shelves. I saw it happen with my own eyes, but he's dead-set convinced that it was some kind of poltergeist fucking with him, and now he doesn't want me to go in my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 969

You deserved it 2 339

Hurry up!

By Anonymous - 22/01/2021 02:02

Today, my wife told me not to rush her during packing for our upcoming move. She's lived in the house for 30 years and apparently needs to reminisce over every single item. FML

I agree, your life sucks 684

You deserved it 262

Just a prank, bro

By Anonymous - 09/05/2021 19:59

Today, my kids found out how to control my Google alarm clock with their phones. While I was gone, they set it to play screamo metal at max volume, then paused it. Sometime after midnight, as I was sleeping, they pressed play. FML

I agree, your life sucks 935

You deserved it 173

17/07/2015 07:04

Today, I sent my long-distance boyfriend a heartfelt message about how much I missed him. He sent me back a picture of a Minion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 352

You deserved it 3 713

29/02/2012 17:41

Spicy

Today, I got extremely wasted and decided to take a shower with my boyfriend. What seemed like a good and sexy idea turned into us falling and getting wedged in the bathtub. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 167

You deserved it 27 646

24/03/2015 01:49

Today, I overheard my co-workers referring to me as "Uncle Fester". This is apparently my nickname around the office, and has been for nearly three years. I had no idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 467

You deserved it 2 741

09/05/2015 23:03

Today, my boyfriend told me that we wouldn't move in together as we had planned to do for a long time. His mother forbade it. He is 27. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 095

You deserved it 3 039

12/01/2010 05:42

Today, my friends let me win at strip poker so I wouldn't take off my clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 278

You deserved it 6 498

28/05/2012 21:17

Today, I came to the realisation that the longest relationship I've had by far is the one I have with my hemorrhoids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 505

You deserved it 3 224

24/06/2013 18:49

Today, I was eating an ice cream cone, when I felt something drop onto my bottom lip. Assuming it was a piece of ice cream, I quickly pulled it into my mouth. After a sharp sting to my tongue, I spat it out. It was a bee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 937

You deserved it 7 577

19/10/2009 06:40

Today, I was driving down the road when a dog suddenly runs across the street. In attempt to spare its life, I swerved to the side of the road and rear-ended another car. The car I hit belonged the family that owned the dog. Now I have to pay them because I saved their dog's life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 258

You deserved it 5 927

30/01/2012 09:00

Today, I learnt there's a woman who comes into my store only to hear my Barry White-like voice. My boss knows who it is, yet refuses to tell me because it's "hilarious." I'm now cautious of every customer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 330

You deserved it 3 284

14/03/2010 00:27

Today, finally accepting the fact that the love of my life has moved on, I took myself to a movie, alone, on a Saturday night. After buying the last ticket to a sold out movie and trying to find the only open seat in the dark, I sit down... right next to my ex-best friend AND my ex-fiancé. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 420

You deserved it 2 873

30/03/2011 17:28

Today, my friends sat me down and said they were concerned I was self-harming. I don't self-harm, I'm just a massive klutz. They don't believe me, and want me to get professional help. And now, because I found it all so funny, they think I'm mentally unhinged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 874

You deserved it 4 635

03/01/2010 23:59

Today, I put cucumber slices on my eyes to help me relax. I found this very calming till I woke up to ants trying to eat my eyes out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 549

You deserved it 6 531

Creepy

By Anonymous - 13/01/2021 20:01

Spicy

Today, I had a huge argument with my wife because I declined a lunch invite with a married couple who live nearby. My wife has severe social anxiety, so having a friend nearby is a huge win for her. What my wife doesn’t know is that her new friend keeps hitting on me, and has already sent me unsolicited nudes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 866

You deserved it 275

17/03/2010 15:46

Spicy

Today, I decided to fake it when my husband and I were making love. Afterwards, he told me that he could tell my head was "really in the game" and felt a stronger connection with me now and was glad I opened up and "let go" with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 191

You deserved it 40 210

Technique

By Anonymous - 20/08/2020 23:02

Spicy

Today, I figured out the best way to endure my wife's lack of sex drive: whenever she complains, I lose the urge myself. Works like a charm, because she complains all the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 435

You deserved it 225

13/11/2008 06:51

Today, my son forgot to log out of MSN. He had written, "When am I getting out of this place?" and his username was "mother fucker". FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 749

You deserved it 7 610

12/12/2013 18:00

Today, I got back the essay I wrote about how my country's education system is fucked. At one point, I made a spelling mistake. My teacher wrote a note about it, basically calling me illiterate and telling me to pay attention in school instead of whining about it. She misspelled "school". FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 570

You deserved it 4 509

17/02/2015 17:42

Today, I've been freezing in my office for days at work. When I finally complained about it to a coworker, she led me into my office, said, "Let me show you something," then pointed out the thermostat I'd never noticed was even there and turned it up with a pitying look. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 591

You deserved it 26 599

28/09/2009 18:31

Today, I had a meeting with the CEO about a promising job with good pay and benefits. Upon meeting, we immediately recognized each other. He was someone I used to make fun of in school all the time. He responded by refusing to interview me and had security throw me out by force. Karma bites. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 494

You deserved it 117 999

01/10/2009 18:27

Today, I was at my son's baseball game when a foul ball came flying toward my brand new car. In an attempt to save my windshield, I dove onto trying to stop the ball only to land on my windshield, crack it and see the ball land safely on the ground next to my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 408

You deserved it 40 322

25/01/2014 17:42

Spicy

Today, after 3 months of no orgasms, I was in the shower, working to rectify that. As I was seconds away from coming, my dad loudly knocked on the door and demanded to know how much longer I was going to take. Probably another 3 months now, dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 626

You deserved it 9 425

03/09/2011 16:33

Today, my friends happily announced that although they had been cut, they were still going to be playing on the school's volleyball team. The rumor going around is that everyone who tried out made the team. I never got a call back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 427

You deserved it 2 906

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Saturday 26 July 2014 5:05

And that's why you love him even more...

euphoricness 28

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Saturday 26 July 2014 8:17

How can he when he hasn't been on vacation since six?

Comments

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Saturday 26 July 2014 5:04

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

dabears1011234 27

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Saturday 26 July 2014 9:12

Nope

Saub 19

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Saturday 26 July 2014 9:36

Do you call your dad a douche when he tries to have fun?

DanCastellaneta 17

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Saturday 25 April 2015 14:57

You tried for first comment. It didn't work.

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Saturday 26 July 2014 5:05

And that's why you love him even more...

Aero_x 21

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Saturday 26 July 2014 5:05

oh daaaamn. He got you good!

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Saturday 26 July 2014 5:06

Haha don't worry, I haven't been on a vacation since I was six, I'm eighteen now.

MathildeDamm 17

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Saturday 26 July 2014 6:41

k

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Saturday 26 July 2014 8:02

Tell that to the starving children all over the world.

euphoricness 28

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Saturday 26 July 2014 8:17

How can he when he hasn't been on vacation since six?

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Saturday 26 July 2014 8:51

Write it on some kind of internationally connected service? If only there was one

hopsinlove17 26

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Saturday 26 July 2014 16:54

A text message....

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Saturday 26 July 2014 17:25

Yes, because the children living in impoverished countries can totally afford to pay for cell service and/or internet, which is definitely more important than, oh I don't know, food. Oh, wait...

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Saturday 26 July 2014 5:07

Haha that's what a dad is for. They'll play jokes on you

that_geibel_girl 15

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Saturday 26 July 2014 5:08

Well that wasn't very nice, lol

JRT98 12

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Saturday 26 July 2014 5:08

You have an amazing father, oh the glory.

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Saturday 26 July 2014 5:09

That is pretty cruel. I feel that pain though OP my dad did terrible jokes like that too.

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Saturday 26 July 2014 5:10

Who the hell does shit like that is real messed up.

thevelociraptor 31

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Saturday 26 July 2014 11:16

It was just a joke... :c

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Saturday 26 July 2014 17:32

Everyone keeps saying "that's mean" but it really isn't that mean. I think OP overreacted a bit when she broke out in tears and I think that you need to harden up if that was "cruel".

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Saturday 26 July 2014 5:11

At least he can joke around.

dabears1011234 27

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Saturday 26 July 2014 9:19

It still sucks though