Today, my 4-year-old daughter couldn't sleep, crying that her teddy bear wanted to eat her. My husband thought it would be funny to put the bear right in front of her face while she slept. She's now terrified to sleep anywhere but in our bed. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I went out and made build-a-bears that looked like my daughter and her new boyfriend. It turns out she had been insisting that I didn't for a good reason; upon sight of his, her boyfriend screamed and fled the house. Turns out he was nearly mauled to death by a bear. FML
Today, my four-year-old daughter thought it'd be funny to cut my hair while I was sleeping. FML
Today, I was trying to sleep when I saw a head looming from the darkness with no eyes and a mouth open like a silent scream. I just froze and pissed myself. It was my daughter wanting to cuddle with us. Alas, the bed was wet, so she got put back in her bed, while we had to share the sofa downstairs. FML
Today, I woke my husband up at 2 a.m., screaming that there was a badger in our bedroom. We both screamed for a bit until he finally said, "What are we screaming about!?" I took a second look at the badger, and realized it was my four-year-old daughter with her blanket. FML
Today, I was woken up by my 5 year-old daughter hitting me with a pillow because she had a dream that I was using her toothbrush on the dog. We don't have a dog. She is now refusing to brush her teeth. FML
Today, my daughter hugged me around the neck and whispered, "I'm going to cut your head off." I'm afraid to go to sleep now. FML
Today, my coworker convinced a little girl that teddy bears are actually the bodies of dead baby bears. I work at Build-a-Bear-Workshop, and we were working a 4-year-old's birthday party. FML
Today, my four-year-old daughter started screaming and lashing out at me as I was getting her ready for a bath. It seems my idiot husband told her she was still small enough to be feasted on by the "drain monster". FML
Today, finally we got our toddler daughter to sleep in her own bed. The wife and I were both excited to finally have our room to ourselves. Just as our daughter was about to fall asleep, the damn cat went into her room and loudly hacked up a huge hairball. Now she's back in mommy's and daddy's bed. FML
Today, I was trying to sleep away a fever, when my grandma woke me up. She was sitting next to me, shoving gummy bears into my mouth until I started choking. She laughed, ran away, and denied everything. FML
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Top comments
HowAreYouToday 34
Put your ****** in front of his face. He'll be terrified thinking it would want to eat him and never cross you again.
SakataGintoki 9
This means war! Get back at him. Whatever he's afraid of, shove it in his face when he's asleep so when he wakes up and has a mini heart attack!
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Comments (82)
RaulGarcia30 10
This dad deserves an award, that's real parenting right there
mintstashinurtea 5
your husbands a selfish stupid asshole
lochiamochia 25
I think your husband's idea of desensitizing your daughter had a side effect that he didn't think to consider - blockatitis of the ****.
kkrazyangel 16
Put some fireworks in a cauldron and light them up when he's sleeping! (Make sure the kid isn't near by of course) and scare the living shit out of him!
Quadroblitz 10
I always imagine the creepypasta "Teddy". It's interesting, maybe a bit cliche, but the image that goes along with it is so goddamn disturbing that I... I just don't like to think about it.
bleedingglitter 24
Let the baby sleep in bed and put his ass on the couch.
idefka 34
In Soviet Russia, pussy eats you.