Today, it was my turn to open the bar I work at. As I walked...

By caterinette - 27/11/2014 02:04 - Portugal

Today, it was my turn to open the bar I work at. As I walked into our terrace, I found our insane upstairs neighbour leaving the scene without a word. This was right before I spotted the steaming pile of dung she'd left behind. FML

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Work

Season finale

A beautiful truck decoration

Risky business

By Anonymous - 6/5/2020 14:00

Sharing is caring

Today, nine months after changing my entire life when my father had a stroke and I became his carer full time, I called my sister to talk about some his irrational behavior. All I got in response was, "I just watched a sad movie, I can't deal with this right now." FML

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By imalwaystired - 21/1/2010 20:20 - France

Today, I opened the cabinet to take a pill for my headache. After taking the pill, I turned around and smashed my head on the open cabinet door. FML

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By somnolence - 17/9/2016 21:20 - United States - Beaverton

Today, I wanted to take a nap after cleaning my apartment, so I put the trash outside the front door and put a note on the door for my roommate, saying, "Please take the trash out when you leave for work." When I woke up, the note was gone but the trash was still there. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2012 18:26 - United States

Today, my future mother-in-law started shit-talking me on Facebook, and we got into a heated argument. She called me later in the day, saying I'll be lucky if I ever marry her son and that, "You'll suffer to your last breath." I'm now terrified to set foot outside. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2009 11:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I sent a christmas card to my husband's uncle and aunt. I'd forgotten that the uncle died last year. FML

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By donny31459 - 10/8/2011 14:44 - United States

Today, I got a ticket from a cop for not riding my bike in the bike lane. I wasn't riding in the bike lane because I was avoiding construction work. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2015 20:24 - United States - Porter

Today, I'm so sexually deprived that I got a raging hard-on from seeing and hearing my coworker yawn. FML

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By Kyle - 5/1/2012 06:58 - United States

Today, I jokingly mocked my dad about his age. He jokingly poured milk all over my head. FML

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By busmanhoe - 14/12/2009 11:19 - Norway

Today, I was sitting on the bus to the gym. I saw that an old woman needed help to get off the bus, so I got up, and helped her off. When I had finally got her down the stairs the bus closed the doors and drove away. I was in the middle of nowhere and the bus drove away with all my things. FML

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By BedazzledAlpaca - 8/12/2014 05:03 - United States - Englewood

Today, I fell asleep on the couch and woke up to find that I had slept through my house getting robbed. FML

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By vreenya - 8/4/2014 20:13 - Chile - Santiago

Today, my little brother was feeling like the god damned bratty douchebag he is and hurled a basketball at me. It missed, hit the wall, and rebounded straight into his face. He burst into tears, and I'm now grounded because my parents believed him when he said I threw it at him. FML

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By Badabim - 30/4/2018 20:30

Today, 5 minutes before closing, a customer was taking a bike from the row while I helped someone else. The customer ended up pushing the whole row down and left instantly without even apologizing. It took me about an hour to pick up the bikes and check for damage. FML

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By jaxattax - 20/10/2009 20:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a fancy chocolate candy and I got angry at him for forgetting that I'm allergic to chocolate and threw the candy into the garbage disposal. Turns out, he had spent a ton of money getting a chocolatier to put an engagement ring inside the candy that I just destroyed. FML

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By Mr. Sniffles - 23/3/2015 15:43 - United States - Hamilton

Today, my teacher took my test along with another student's and gave us both a zero. Why? Because we both have colds so when we breathe through our nose it makes a sniffle noise. She thought we were using a secret code to communicate by sniffling. FML

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By bsulyingb - 24/11/2013 19:59 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because "our priorities aren't the same." Her priorities turned out to be getting into my coworker's pants. FML

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By probablydodgedabullet - 8/11/2013 11:30 - Australia - Wollongong

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via a text message consisting solely of emoticons. FML

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By davifilo - 26/10/2012 09:40 - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, I went bowling. I noticed a 10-year-old holding an iPod Touch which had the exact same customized case with my name on it as my iPod that was stolen a year ago at the same bowling centre. Even better, the parents yelled at me for accusing him. I got kicked out the bowling centre. FML

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By Eureka! I still lose.... - 9/2/2018 19:00

Today, I was accused of cheating on our math test, instantly granting me a perfect zero. How? I used the wrong formula on a problem, but ended up with the correct answer. FML

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By Thank you, exactly what I wanted Sergeant - 21/8/2016 13:53

Today, my drill sergeant found out it's my birthday. I spent the rest of the day scrubbing large, filthy pots for the entire base of 2000+ and scrubbing grime off of bathroom walls. Happy birthday to me! FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2012 18:28 - United States - Ellensburg

Today, I flew back home from out of state. When I got back to my house, my bed, furniture, and TV were gone. My girlfriend changed her number and I have no idea where she lives now. FML

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By InsaneIdiots - 7/6/2019 04:10

Today, after recovering from surgery, I was leaving the clinic when a bucket of red paint was thrown at me, and a woman shouted that I was a murderer. I replied, "Sorry, would you like me to ask the doctor for my ovarian cyst back so I can pretend it was a fetus?" She hit me with her handbag. FML

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By Maxwell - 4/2/2010 10:47 - France

Today, my 4 year old son thought it was funny to put money in the shredder. He stuck over 500 dollars in it. FML

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By donuts678 - 16/8/2015 23:37 - United States - Passaic

Today, at the camp that I work at, a little girl asked to "feel" my muscles. Thinking it was cute, I flexed for her. She laughed and said, "No, really." FML

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By CP19JK12KH - 3/1/2010 09:56 - United States

Today, I had a rare phone call from my ex-girlfriend. We ended up talking for hours about old times. It was the best conversation we have had in forever, it made me miss her and miss us. Later on in the day, she called back asking what we talked about. She was too high too remember. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2009 05:42 - New Zealand

Today, I met up with a girl I've been talking to on the internet for a year and a half. Turns out she edits her moustache out of all her photos. FML

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By arch maester shavayalsharashion - 26/7/2015 17:29 - United Kingdom - Surbiton

Today, I was pouring my heart out to my dad about how I'm such a loser and how I have no friends. He listened sympathetically, until his phone buzzed with a text message. He said "Balls, the guys from work wanna get shitfaced." and took a rain check on me. FML

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By Lenny_R - 8/12/2016 19:53

Today, I got pulled over for having an expired registration. I also found out my husband hasn't been paying for my car insurance. Luckily, I didn't get arrested because I had my baby with me. They towed my car and gave me 2 tickets and a court date. Oh, and the cop sent me a friend request. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2010 00:29 - United States

Today, my doctor told me I had "abnormally large breasts." This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't a 20 year old man. FML

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By oooooopss - 1/4/2012 06:44 - United States - Portland

Today, I got into my car and it wouldn't start. I noticed I had left the lights on and assumed the battery was dead. Then, I couldn't get my key out of the ignition. So, I called AAA only to have the guy put my car in park and start the engine. FML

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By NoPainNoGain - 17/9/2009 14:31 - United States

Today, I got my wisdom teeth pulled. Apparently the medicines don't work on me. I woke up in the middle of the surgery and felt EVERYTHING. One of the nurses asked if I was okay, and the doctor just kept saying "Don't worry she's just dreaming", while tears were pouring down my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2009 19:41 - United States

Today, I was volunteering at the hospital. This lady was calling the Nurses' Station, and I had to go see what she wanted. When I asked her what she needed, she mumbled something. As I leaned in closer to hear what she was saying, she threw up all over my face. Apparently, she was nauseous. FML

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By ulring - 12/2/2012 00:53 - United States

Today, I walked all the way across campus to eat the first meal I've had all day. After waiting for my food in a congested line for 30 minutes, I got to the register to pay. Turns out my wallet was a twenty minute walk away, back in my apartment. FML

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By istillcannotbreathe - 17/8/2018 06:00

Genius.

Today, my roommate found a solution to his awful body odor: bathing in vinegar. Now instead of smelling like a middle school locker room, the house smells like a chemical plant. I'm not sure which is worse. FML

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By tarini - 27/5/2009 20:12 - Bangladesh

Today, I got an acceptance later to a great boarding school in India for my senior year of high school. I sent them a letter telling them I wouldn't go, because I just got back with my ex-boyfriend. I just got a text from my boyfriend. Guess who's my ex again? FML

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By thismustbewhyivestrivedtobesmart - 15/11/2016 18:25 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, while on vacation, my brother asked a native of the area for help. Once he got it, he thanked them with "muchos gracias" in the best Spanish accent he could do. We're in Japan. FML

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By ohgosh... - 18/11/2014 03:10 - United States - Fenton

Today, after realizing my flashcards had fallen out of my binder, I asked my teacher if I could quickly go to my locker to get them. She said no and told me to go sit down. As soon as class ended, I went to my locker and brought them to her. Her response? "Why didn't you ask me to get these during class?" FML

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By CJ - 12/8/2016 01:02 - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I was looking for a moustache comb, couldn't find it anywhere. Then I noticed it in a basket by the toilet with scissors. My wife's been using it to trim her pubes. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2011 16:15 - United States

Today, my mom and I heard a thump from inside the coat closet. I opened the door, and something fell on me. My mom, who was behind me, screamed, closed the laundry room door, and ran into the garage, leaving me to face the alleged attacker. It was the vacuum. FML

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By Zoogangcapk - 1/1/2020 05:00

Double Impact

Today, I found out that my girlfriend is pregnant. The problem is that I don't know how to tell my wife... Who is also pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2012 01:23 - Canada - Calgary

Today, after spending a lot of money on photo shoots to build up my portfolio, I finally got an offer from a modelling agency. I ran outside to tell my parents, only for my brother to hurl an iced snowball straight into my face. I now have a huge gash over my cheek and nose. FML

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Top comments

By SweetasCandy0609 | 28

#6128833 - Thursday 27 November 2014 11:43

I think you should get a shovel and leave the crap on her front door.

By DocBastard | 38

#6128877 - Thursday 27 November 2014 13:20

My cat did that to me, but her brain is the size of a large walnut.

I have to assume the same about your batshit crazy neighbour.

COMMENTS

By SharnaaaBanana | 22

#6128829 - Thursday 27 November 2014 11:39

...people do some strange things sometimes

HarshD9619 | 34

#6128888 - Thursday 27 November 2014 13:38

Brace yourselves for overused shit related puns.

By phaelnb | 26

#6128831 - Thursday 27 November 2014 11:39

Steaming? Is she THAT hot?

onlychildFTW | 33

#6129645 - Friday 28 November 2014 12:01

Poop is pretty hot when it comes out. If you've ever had an accident in your pants you'd know. Trust me. Lol.

By PeaceFull | 3

#6128832 - Thursday 27 November 2014 11:39

Your neighbour is an animal?

Dekat121 | 24

#6129740 - Friday 28 November 2014 17:06

she certainly acts like one

By SweetasCandy0609 | 28

#6128833 - Thursday 27 November 2014 11:43

I think you should get a shovel and leave the crap on her front door.

teyyoshi | 19

#6128835 - Thursday 27 November 2014 11:48

throw the crap into her face immediately

nevm | 12

#6128961 - Thursday 27 November 2014 15:37

Pretty sure that would be an assault

Kielnmsoftly | 26

#6129163 - Thursday 27 November 2014 20:24

Worth it though!

jake_braves | 25

#6129586 - Friday 28 November 2014 8:41

Yes, and put it in a paper bag and write "brownies" on it lol.

By creativityisnt | 19

#6128838 - Thursday 27 November 2014 11:55

Well that stinks

By Jasper1405 | 16

#6128840 - Thursday 27 November 2014 11:57

that is a really shitty way to start the day.

By christina3466 | 17

#6128846 - Thursday 27 November 2014 12:18

Spread it all on her stairs so when she walks down them, she trips on her own shit.

IamHercules | 24

#6129135 - Thursday 27 November 2014 19:30

Now that is just evil. You should find out what provoked this, you don't want to start a feud do you?

ekim300 | 26

#6129213 - Thursday 27 November 2014 22:27

I dunno, but I'm pretty sure I would notice shit smeared all over my steps before actually using them..

By chuka81 | 27

#6128852 - Thursday 27 November 2014 12:30

Well, shit.

By ChildrenOfFilth | 12

#6128855 - Thursday 27 November 2014 12:41

Awww she left you a present.

By MrConcise | 34

#6128866 - Thursday 27 November 2014 13:00

I'd chalk the outline of that poo, because there was a crime today. More specifically, a murder.

Let us all take a moment of silence for human decency.