Today, I went commando because its 98 degrees and sweaty boxers... - FML

By Longhorn2011 - 17/6/2009 17:44 - United States

Today, I went commando because its 98 degrees and sweaty boxers are a pain. While walking to class at UT I heard a girl laugh behind me, I turned and flashed a quick smile and kept walking. It turns out I had sweat through my khakis and she totally could see my crack. Texas weather sucks. FML

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Property law

Social distancing gone wrong

Race against the clock

By danyelicindereli - 29/5/2009 03:41 - United States

Today, I was standing around looking out the window at work when it became really dark and windy and started to pour. I watched a shopping cart fly across the parking lot thinking how funny it'd be if it hit someone's car. It hit mine. I need a new headlight. FML

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By smoothies14 - 6/11/2015 17:29 - United States - Weatherford

Today, I was studying on a bench outside my dorm when the leg snapped. I decided to do the right thing and let administration know what happened. After assuring me it wasn't my fault, and having me fill out an incident report, they billed me $400. I can't enroll for next semester until I pay. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2020 02:00

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Today, one of my UNIVERSITY students submitted an incomplete assignment file to the online learning platform. I emailed him, "You will need to send me the correct file via email, as the system does not accept resubmissions." I literally got as a reply, "So, what do I need to do?" Online teaching is hell. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2014 18:03 - Poland - Warsaw

Today, I told my boss I'm going to quit, after months of being abused, doing meaningless work, and working late every day. I was soon given so many new projects that I didn't even have time to write my resignation letter. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2012 00:26 - United States - Daphne

Today, I went to Waffle House to talk to the manager about getting a job. My boyfriend now wants to beat up the manager for giving me his number so that I can call him whenever I'm done filling in the application. FML

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By phonemenace - 17/8/2011 09:50 - United States

Today, I counted the amount of stuff that my dad had bought within a week: a brand new boat, car, and truck. He also has countless gadgets at his office, including a 60" television. Our house is literally falling apart but Mr. Midlife-crisis won't do anything to help. FML

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By Sorrymom - 11/8/2017 01:30

Today, I had to watch as my deeply religious mother broke out in tears of joy, as she said how happy she was that I was waiting until marriage to have sex. I didn't have the heart to tell her that my fiancé and I fucked on the first date. FML

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By 2for1 - 28/3/2019 00:00 - Norway - Sandefjord

Today, after being constipated for four days post-surgery, I have gotten diarrhea. It doesn't actually help getting the hard plug out, but it has found slow passages around it, so I’m still left to my own devices. This is not the kind of gold I’d like to be digging for. FML

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By Emily 1992 - 13/6/2019 07:00 - United States - Klamath Falls

Today, and for the past 3 days, I've had a massive migraine. It finally went away while I was at work, thanks to my nose bleeding all over the place. FML

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By tammylauraine - 29/2/2012 18:21 - United States

Today, after handing out several résumés for several jobs, I realized that I forgot to add my phone number to them. FML

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By "skinnydick" - 19/2/2017 22:00 - United States - Clifton Park

Today, while riding the bus, I saw my ex-girlfriend get on. Despite several seats being open, she specifically sat next to me. I was at first happy, thinking she might want to make up. Nope, she instead blocked me in with her bag and spent the entire time showing me pictures of her new lover's dick. FML

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By aliqi - 12/5/2012 20:48 - United States

Today, I noticed a little white ball in the corner of my bedroom ceiling. I guess it had been there for a while already, but the teeming mass of baby spiders crawling out made it a lot more conspicuous. FML

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By ughh - 22/11/2011 13:22 - United States

Today, my mom read my diary. Then she frantically booked me an appointment with a psychiatrist. FML

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By aridaley - 21/5/2011 23:33 - United States

Today, I got piss drunk. Being a tattoo artist, I came to the intoxicated conclusion that I could save much more money doing my own tattoos on myself. I now have my ex boyfriend's name permanently on my thigh. It's not even spelled right. FML

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By karmamaybe - 3/12/2012 20:35 - United States - Vermillion

Today, I was slapped across the face by a girl in the waiting room at the dentist's office. She thought I was taking a picture of her breasts with my phone. I was smiling while reading other people's FMLs. FML

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By robertsonjimmy - 14/6/2011 01:46 - United States

Today, I let my new puppy outside for the first time. When I went to get him, I saw a man running off with him. FML

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By theuglyone - 22/8/2013 03:00 - Canada - Port Perry

Today, I was told that I looked like a Kardashian by a total stranger. Flattered, I asked which one. His response? "I don't know, the ugly one." FML

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By Emoney1 - 26/5/2011 14:06 - Canada

Today, I stopped to help a stranded motorist. I yelled out my window, "Hey do you need a hand?" The guy was just standing beside his car taking a piss. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2015 06:49 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I staged an intervention for my dad, because his midlife crisis has spun out of control. When I told him he's now basically endangering his own life, he replied "Everyone's gonna die someday. Some sooner than others, eh porky?" FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2014 16:17 - United Kingdom - Slough

Today, after finally getting rid of an extremely rude, abusive customer, I muttered that I could kill people like her. I didn't know my manager had heard me, until a pair of police officers arrived. He'd reported me for "threatening to murder a customer". FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2020 02:03

"I Raised a Sociopath"

Today, my daughter admitted she struggles to keep a boyfriend because as soon as she shares with them her kink of fucking guys with strap-ons and occasionally inserting other items into them, they flee. As a father, this was way more info about my daughter's sex life than I can handle. FML

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By [email protected] - 25/12/2019 20:00

Just in case

Today, a customer threatened to kick my balls in if I didn’t give her a hot chocolate. I had already explained to her that it wasn’t working. She’s a regular so anytime I see her now I cover my balls just in case. FML

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By 20singleandproudish - 23/10/2014 05:18 - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, my younger brother helpfully pointed out that I'm the only one in my family of five who is single. He's twelve. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2013 16:34 - Thailand

Today, I can no longer leave my son at daycare, because at the age of 5, he's started manipulating the girls there into fighting over him. A kid lost a baby tooth in one such brawl. FML

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By ohgod - 14/8/2009 16:57 - United States

Today, I found out my husband had bought my 1-year-old daughter a shirt that says "Birth Control Fail" in pink glittery letters. He even took her out in it while I was at work. FML

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By Pushover - 13/2/2010 03:30 - United States

Today, I caught my boyfriend of 8 years cheating on me. I punched him in the face, he broke up with me. And I still had to cook him an entire turkey dinner. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2015 23:08 - United States - Sherwood

Today, I had to sit in a three-seat truck between my dad and his best friend on a 4-hour trip to Detroit. It was great, besides their incessant crude jokes and stories, including chafing ball sacks, and naming their new radio station, "Chicks With Dicks Radio." FML

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By Nochnoii - 7/10/2009 20:07 - Belgium

Today, I was chewing my pen while I was paying attention to my teacher. I chewed a bit too hard, and something broke off, so I casually looked at my pen. It was unharmed. One of my front teeth had broken off. Everyone in class, including the teacher, had to see it before I could call my dentist. FML

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By Dinger1992 - 23/10/2012 13:19 - United States

Today, my dad was teaching me how to drive. He told me that stop signs with white outlines are "optional." I ran through the next one I saw and got pulled over by a cop. My dad is making me pay the ticket for being "that stupid." Thanks dad. FML

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By confusedbagel - 27/6/2013 06:22 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my boss fired me for being "too morally ambiguous". I work at a bagel shop and had told a customer that I was indifferent towards cream cheese. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2009 22:05 - United States

Today, I went over to my girlfriend's house for dinner. Her parents seemed upset, so I tried to lighten the mood by saying, "Hey, at least the weekend is coming up and you guys won't have to go in for work." Apparently, they were upset because they both got laid off from their jobs today. FML

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By are you kidding me - 20/10/2014 04:53 - United States - Wichita

Today, I showed up to work and my boss was nowhere to be found. A phone call later, I find out he's in Dubai. Oh, and since I'm his personal assistant, I should be able to take care of matters until he gets back. I've only been his assistant for a week. FML

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By splooge - 28/1/2009 15:12 - United States

Today, I was in bed next to the boy I loved, he had just came and passed out immediately afterwards. I reached over to look at my phone but grabbed his instead and saw a text message from his ex-girlfriend that read "I love you too." FML

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By WTFsalad - 18/2/2010 02:46 - United States

Today, I was leaving Wal-Mart with my daughter when a man was speeding the wrong way in the parking lot. To avoid getting hit, I pulled over to the side. He thought I was going the wrong way. He got out cursing and screaming and punched a dent in my hood. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2010 14:48 - United States

Today, while making love to my boyfriend, my sister called my cell phone. Not wanting to face the consequences of not answering, I had a long conversation with her. My boyfriend kept going. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/7/2020 23:02

Don't you know that you're toxic?

Today, I found out my girlfriend talks to around 18 other men for fun. She says she loves me more, but I told her to prove it, so I took her phone and deleted the social media accounts that she made just for these men. Now I'm a "toxic controlling monster" because I don't let her chat with random men. FML

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By Tyler_Padgett - 24/5/2009 23:52 - United States

Today, I was lighting fireworks for my cousin's birthday in my Grandmother's yard. When it came time to light the "Grand Finale", I read on the outside of the box,"Face this side toward crowd for best result". After I lit it, I realized that it was on it's side. I shot 100 fireworks at my family. FML

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By Noname - 3/2/2009 08:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend out of the blue told me I wasn't fat, that my stomach was flat and it was only my butt that was big. I thought that this was a compliment. His response? "Not at all". FML

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By bels12 - 5/1/2010 05:15 - Australia

Today, I bought a new Siamese Fighting Fish. I was so happy with my new fish so I bought him an expensive lovely bowl, some weeds, and a toy for the bowl. I left the room to get the fish food. When I returned, the fish was gone, and the cat was sitting on the table. FML

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By dude - 24/3/2009 20:52 - United States

Today, I was walking downtown when a bum approached me for some change. I planned to give a couple dollars but after pulling out my wallet exposing my cash, the bum beat me unconscious. The bum is a 5'0" tall woman; I'm a 6'2" male out $200. FML

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Top comments

By fmyalarmclock | 0

#315845 - Thursday 18 June 2009 3:36

Always wear underwear to avoid embarrassing situations..

By therealist7131 | 0

#315852 - Thursday 18 June 2009 3:37

That sucks. Texas weather is a bitch

COMMENTS

By your_mother | 0

#315844 - Thursday 18 June 2009 3:36

Wow. Sucks for you. FYL

Reply

ozzie_and_pepper | 0

#316201 - Thursday 18 June 2009 6:03

wow you should wear underwear for god sakes I mean come on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reply

ozzie_and_pepper | 0

#316239 - Thursday 18 June 2009 6:14

btw if are the peron I think you are then I saw you it was hilarious, my friends and I were laughing so hard when we saw you:P

Reply

suaveneanderthal | 0

#316365 - Thursday 18 June 2009 7:15

look guys comment number three!

Reply

inerdablanket | 4

#316454 - Thursday 18 June 2009 8:05

or 88?

Reply

Reyo | 2

#316471 - Thursday 18 June 2009 8:12

OP: What were you wearing? Spandex? Either way, at least wear SOMETHING. I know sweaty boxers suck, but wait untill you get home to go full on commando. It feels great. I should know.

We have pretty much the same weather you do here and I had to work/school all day. When I finally got home I just stripped naked and collapsed on my bed. Thank God for no roomates!

Reply

kinkoa | 0

#316496 - Thursday 18 June 2009 8:24

You should have worn something other than khakis thats common sense i think YDI for being a longhorn im a sooner from konawa, oklahoma

Reply

metawarr556 | 3

#316996 - Thursday 18 June 2009 13:57

Yeah, I mean, if you're going commando, why would you wear khakis?

Reply

hi5534 | 3

#321191 - Friday 19 June 2009 20:10

look douche, noone cares :D (reply to burried comment)

Reply

nood_fml | 0

#1003014 - Sunday 23 May 2010 5:53

gag Texas weather is nothing....well only in the summer lately....we are really starting to feel global warming...

Reply

lizzilla8297 | 2

#1055093 - Friday 2 July 2010 19:58

Texas weather does NOT suck, asshole. UT is the BEST colledge EVER.

Reply

aerosenna | 0

#1621788 - Friday 29 October 2010 17:27

righttttttt frm Canada huh?

Reply

softball_nerd_24 | 10

#5990530 - Saturday 28 June 2014 3:39

As I fellow victim of Texas weather, I can verify OP's FML. Texas weather TOTALLY sucks.

Reply

ExorcistParrot | 11

#6236955 - Thursday 19 March 2015 11:39

But it's hot as hell, and I know that when it gets hot here, I'm not am wearing any damn layers I don't fucking have to. Then again, I'm wearing sweatshirts and jeans in 100+ degree weather....

Reply

EnvyMe33 | 26

#7604276 - Monday 26 February 2018 16:33

Apparently it’s not because you can’t even spell right. It’s college not colledge.

By fmyalarmclock | 0

#315845 - Thursday 18 June 2009 3:36

Always wear underwear to avoid embarrassing situations..

Reply

22cute | 17

#3409509 - Sunday 9 October 2011 16:09

Boxer briefs! They are the solution.

Reply

EnvyMe33 | 26

#7604274 - Monday 26 February 2018 16:31

Clean underwear

By Knockyoudown | 0

#315847 - Thursday 18 June 2009 3:37

loll.

By CountDuk | 5

#315848 - Thursday 18 June 2009 3:37

I guess you musts been on "crack"!!
lmao

Reply

bhamailbox | 0

#322663 - Saturday 20 June 2009 4:00

on "crack"? seriously? PJ much??lol...

By whatastory | 0

#315849 - Thursday 18 June 2009 3:37

Guys should not be going commando, especially to school. Yuck.

Reply

spoo | 24

#317433 - Thursday 18 June 2009 17:20

bah, grow a pair.... you are in school, people staring at you like that may increase your chances to meeting women

By JiggstheMan | 0

#315851 - Thursday 18 June 2009 3:37

keep um clean. always wear underwear.

By therealist7131 | 0

#315852 - Thursday 18 June 2009 3:37

That sucks. Texas weather is a bitch

Reply

CRrawsum | 7

#1018955 - Friday 4 June 2010 15:41

OMG!!! yes it is ha

Reply

stevenJB | 25

#3964985 - Monday 30 January 2012 5:58

Try south Dakota. Hot as a bitch in the summer and so cold during winter :(

Reply

PoopNuggetLeader | 4

#5473947 - Wednesday 1 May 2013 18:34

Your hot is 85-90 degrees F. Texas hit is 95-105-? Degrees F

Reply

19990231 | 29

#6145831 - Tuesday 16 December 2014 7:34

Last summer in Minnesota we have 107 degree weather in the summer and -52 in the winter.

Reply

accidentalsheep | 24

#6305855 - Saturday 30 May 2015 22:35

Let's just take a moment of silence for Arizona, which can climb to 120°F

By CharlotteRx | 4

#315857 - Thursday 18 June 2009 3:38

butt cracks are disgusting !

:(

Reply

liecake | 0

#1559769 - Sunday 17 October 2010 7:15

Yes, a natural body part found on all human beings is revolting.

By hot_tamale | 0

#315861 - Thursday 18 June 2009 3:38

LOL I feel ya. And I was down in Austin 10 days ago :). But it may be smarter to just wear something more lightweight? Khakis...as in pants? If so, YDI

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#315865 - Thursday 18 June 2009 3:39

LOL.

Swamp ass is NEVER fun though, but you should still wear underwear. And at least WEAR SHORTS, not khakis if it's swampass environment. Christ...

YDI.