Work: Today, I was told I needed to start carrying bandaids with me... - FML

By anonymous - 24/09/2016 13:10 - United States - Federal Way

Today, I was told I needed to start carrying bandaids with me at work because practically every day I hurt myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 120

You deserved it 2 317

Taking stock

Empathy lives

Too clever

By Boo Boo - 22/01/2012 04:23 - United States

Today, I went to get my blood drawn to see how far along I am pregnant. The lady stuck both my arms twice and then busted a vein in my right arm. She told me to come back tomorrow to try again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 054

You deserved it 2 447

Sounds reasonable

By Anonymous - 08/08/2020 23:01

Spicy

Today, my husband refuses to have sex with me, ever since I told him I wanted to try for a baby. When I asked him why, he said it was because he likes lack of responsibility and money in the bank more than the thought of a screaming baby, no sleep and strong suicidal urges. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 145

You deserved it 1 724

Morning conversation

By Anonymous - 15/03/2021 08:01

Today, I went into the bathroom only to discover my dad on the pot. “Oh, sorry”, I say and turn to leave. His reply, “Oh I don’t mind. Just having a shit here.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 636

You deserved it 154

By zero_minded12 - 21/05/2009 03:08 - United States

Today, I was at the mall blasting music. I was wearing a nice shirt, and had my iPod in my breast pocket. I noticed a cute girl smiling at me, so I smiled back and as she started to walk over, I turned down my music while smiling. It looked like I was rubbing my nipple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 786

You deserved it 71 001

Testing, testing, 1-2, 1-2

By Decisions6 - 16/04/2020 05:00 - Denmark - Aarhus

Today, my therapist made me take a test to see what level my depression was at. There was a whole bunch of questions with multiple answers to choose from. One question was, "Do you find it harder to make decisions?" I couldn't decide which answer to pick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 466

You deserved it 286

Inebriated utterances

By Brenden Alistair Maye - 30/07/2021 01:59

Today, after the girl I fell head over heels for asked me out last night, it turns out she was so drunk at the time, she doesn't remember and doesn't want to date me at all. I'm beginning to feel like my life is some shitty movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 843

You deserved it 87

Social science

By Josh - 16/07/2021 06:01 - United States

Today, a friend came over to meet my new dog. The dog got excited and accidentally peed on him. I went to the kitchen to get something to clean it up. When I came back, my new dog was covered in my friend's pee. My friend claimed that peeing on my dog "showed dominance." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 174

You deserved it 132

By IngenuityAbsent - 22/02/2015 13:54 - Canada - Grimsby

Today, I had a dream where I whacked my head against my shelf. I woke up immediately after, freaked out and whacked my head against my shelf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 185

You deserved it 4 734

By _Emilyy - 12/07/2011 04:40 - United States

Today, I updated my facebook status to, "Party at my house this Friday. Like my status if you want to come." After about 3 hours I checked back to discover that the only person who'd liked my status was my grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 447

You deserved it 10 489

By shorty - 11/04/2011 17:36 - United States

Today, I found out that if I were 2 inches shorter, I would have to sit in a booster seat in the car. I'm about to turn 22. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 661

You deserved it 4 849

I can't quit you

By Damngurl - 28/02/2021 03:01 - United States - Kula

Today, I scripted-planned and went to quit my job. Instead, I somehow ended up an emotional crying mess during the conversation with my manager - who recommended I get counseling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 756

You deserved it 252

By Anonymous - 06/03/2015 01:34 - United States - Ridge

Today, my wife complained that the coffee grounds I swept into the sink grossed her out. Yesterday, I removed several panty-liners from her soiled underwear before doing the laundry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 076

You deserved it 2 988

By batter--up - 17/02/2010 02:54 - United States

Today, in a sporting goods store, my mom was over on the other side of the store, when a cute guy came over to talk to me. When she saw this she grabbed a bat, walked over to us and said, "If you ever even look at my daughter again, I will beat you shitless." She was serious. He ran. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 434

You deserved it 2 676

By .......... - 07/06/2015 09:46 - Canada - Spruce Grove

Today, I found my boyfriend and his friends laughing hysterically and practically choking on popcorn. They were watching a video of me in a school play, trying to sing while sobbing because I'd just pissed my pants in front of 200 people. Thanks for giving him the video, mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 463

You deserved it 2 726

By Anonymous - 12/08/2014 17:55 - United States - Newport

Today, I happily announced that I'm getting married. My dad immediately shot back, "And I'm getting E.D., who gives a damn?" Just when I thought he was joking, he muttered that "the bitch" will take everything in our divorce. Moment ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 278

You deserved it 3 346

Healthy relationship goals

By leapfrog998 - 05/08/2021 14:01 - Canada - Bancroft

Today, my husband told me to stop being friends with my best guy friend because I won't let him hang out with his ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 467

You deserved it 864

By WOW - 13/07/2013 20:40 - Kenya

Today, my driving instructor failed me on my test, because I forgot to turn the air conditioning off after parking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 105

You deserved it 5 888

Our internet works fine, dumbass

By jenni - 19/09/2021 08:00

Today, I found out my son has been ditching his Zoom classes. He claims he couldn’t connect because of "technical difficulties." I can’t believe he seriously expected me to believe that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 789

You deserved it 114

By Millian2 - 08/04/2012 02:10 - United States - Plymouth

Today, I learned that when you take off your sweatshirt, it can get stuck in your braces. I was in public. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 969

You deserved it 3 697

By I_Am_The_Edge - 11/06/2009 16:06 - United States

Today, I was at the park when I saw a homeless man sleeping on a bench. I thought it would be funny to throw a small rock at him. He thought it would be funny to pull out his knife and chase me for six blocks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 586

You deserved it 863 923

A job well done.

By belly the jelly - 30/10/2017 21:00

Today, I asked my husband to deal with the very large spider in our kitchen. Rather than a newspaper or a slipper, he went after it with an aerosol can and a lighter. The spider is now dead, but so are the wall and cupboards in my kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 517

You deserved it 670

By pitytitty - 09/01/2015 09:11 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I overheard my boyfriend bragging about me to his friends, telling them I have a great smile, cute hair, and very perky tits. This wouldn't be so bad if we weren't both men. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 386

You deserved it 7 135

By Anonymous - 09/06/2012 04:51 - United States - Hernando

Today, I was texting my girlfriend and asked her for a picture, expecting something provocative. She sent me a picture of her holding a positive pregnancy test. We had sex once. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 990

You deserved it 46 271

By PicturePerfect - 02/03/2009 21:33 - Canada

Today, I was walking when a man pointed a camera at me. I got bitchy about it, and said "Did I say you could take a picture?" He replied with, "No, but can you get the fuck out of the way so I can take one of my wife and kids?" I turned around, and they were right behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 399

You deserved it 546 220

By anonymous - 16/03/2011 02:05

Today, I got a call from my five-year-old son's principal, my son had pooped in the school yard then gave the teacher a ziploc bag and commanded her to pick it up. He said he was trying to imitate our dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 072

You deserved it 6 119

By virgo - 30/01/2010 06:50 - France

Spicy

Today, I had to lie to my therapist about my sex life to make me feel better. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 156

You deserved it 6 477

By drkate25 - 18/12/2012 22:02 - United States - Enfield

Today, I ate brunch at my in-laws. The food all tasted off to me so I didn't eat much, telling my mother-in-law I was watching my weight. Later on, while out doing a bit of shopping, I stopped at a red light. Guess who pulled up next to me while I was scarfing a fast food burger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 810

You deserved it 30 470

By Anonymous - 05/04/2009 19:33 - United States

Today, I was riding my bike and stopped at a street light. A little girl looked at me, then asked her mother, "Mommy, why does that girl have a ring through her nose?" Her mother then replied, "Because her parents don't love her." FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 375

You deserved it 19 581

By Anonymous - 25/06/2013 17:16 - United States - Surprise

Today, while walking around town, some guy grabbed me from behind, clutched at my nipples, and said, "That's where I always imagined they were." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 109

You deserved it 4 281

By Anonymous - 15/07/2009 08:09 - United States

Today, I found out I'm balding faster than my dad. I'm 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 699

You deserved it 3 172

By and god shat - 11/07/2014 23:38 - United States - Klamath Falls

Today, while sitting on my front porch, my cat came up beside me. I started idly stroking her, only to turn and realize I was petting a wild raccoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 204

You deserved it 9 052

By holyshitsnacks - 18/03/2014 22:53 - Canada - Woodstock

Today, the snow in my backyard melted, revealing just how much dog shit accumulated underneath it this winter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 436

You deserved it 7 817

Not coming out yet, sorry

By KeEp.iT.A.SeCrEt - 17/04/2021 02:00

Today, a "friend" of mine told everyone that I had a crush on a girl I used to be really good friends with 2 years ago. I never liked her that way, and had said that only to hide the fact that I'm gay and don't feel safe with boys. Her current boyfriend is seriously annoyed with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 797

You deserved it 169

By Anonymous - 22/01/2012 08:25 - United States

Today, I was kicked out of a comedy club for laughing too loudly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 043

You deserved it 7 958

By gl0b3suck0r - 08/05/2012 16:41 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my pet mouse demonstrated that he has bigger balls than my boyfriend, by running across the dinner table and eating off his plate, all while he jumped out of his chair, screaming like a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 352

You deserved it 4 599

Stop! Thief!

By kellthryn - 17/03/2020 23:00

Today, during my work shift, my car got stolen and I had to walk home on the rain. While I was walking home, my stolen car drove by. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 954

You deserved it 206

By Anonymous - 05/09/2010 04:40 - United States

Spicy

Today, after doing it with my girlfriend, she told me that she was "faking the whole time, and thinking of talking cupcakes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 651

You deserved it 8 154

You wanker!

By Anonymous - 06/10/2019 22:00

Spicy

Today, my brother arrived at the cabin we’re staying at on a trip. He insisted he got the bed I chose. My father responded, "You wouldn’t want the bed if you knew what he did in it last night." I laughed until I realized there's a mirror where he could've easily seen "what I did last night." FML

I agree, your life sucks 880

You deserved it 1 805

By meg the mighty - 01/12/2018 15:30

Today, it's been 3 days since my husband decided he really wanted to try the surstromming challenge. I can still smell that shit all through my house even with all the doors and windows open after the stupid bastard took one smell, vomited, and dropped the can on the carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 396

You deserved it 267

By FMLPLZ - 03/01/2014 02:52 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, when I am asked to do something and I don't do it immediately, my mother threatens to "twerk" in front of my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 721

You deserved it 9 172

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Send a private message

Sunday 25 September 2016 21:55

Bubble wrap time

MessedUpLife00 13

Send a private message

Sunday 25 September 2016 22:07

How does one manage to hurt themselves everyday, what is your job?

Comments

opis34 14

Send a private message

Sunday 25 September 2016 21:52

Well it can't be that bad if it's only band aids right...

Arnoud 19

Send a private message

Sunday 25 September 2016 21:54

That sucks op :( hope you dont hurt yourself too bad. What kind of work do you do? Maybe you have to do you work more carefully

MessedUpLife00 13

Send a private message

Wednesday 28 September 2016 1:53

Sorry

Send a private message

Sunday 25 September 2016 21:55

Bubble wrap time

Send a private message

Sunday 25 September 2016 21:57

I keep a few handy just in case.

Send a private message

Monday 26 September 2016 4:50

I do as well, and my friends claimed me weird. What's so wrong with being prepared?

anythingrandom 23

Send a private message

Sunday 25 September 2016 22:07

keep some at the office only? On the bright side, they care for you!

MessedUpLife00 13

Send a private message

Sunday 25 September 2016 22:07

How does one manage to hurt themselves everyday, what is your job?

Send a private message

Monday 26 September 2016 1:39

I imagine it being some office job, which just makes it funnier seeing as it doesn't require a lot of physical work.

pancakebunny 19

Send a private message

Monday 26 September 2016 4:23

KNIFE FACTORY!!!!!!

Send a private message

Monday 26 September 2016 4:43

A lot of things can impact coordination in minor ways that are nevertheless enough to make someone injury-prone. Autism spectrum disorders, joint stability issues, allergies, etc. If you have more than one, it gets really fun.

FalloutScrolls 25

Send a private message

Sunday 25 September 2016 22:40

I thought I was the only one. I'm not alone.

RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Sunday 25 September 2016 22:47

Please say you're in food service! I have a lot of vampire friends.

Arkham_Callabero 15

Send a private message

Monday 26 September 2016 1:06

I wasn't aware that Dracula enjoyed fine dining establishments

DravensTheName 16

Send a private message

Monday 26 September 2016 1:26

Oh gosh if so don't tell Buffy

RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Monday 26 September 2016 2:43

#14, it could also be fast food. Some of the members of Team Edward can't afford fancy eating. They blew all their money on Twilight swag.

isabellam0426 18

Send a private message

Sunday 25 September 2016 23:04

I've never related to a post so much.

yerawizardlizzy 27

Send a private message

Sunday 25 September 2016 23:15

I often wonder how these FMLs get published and mine don't. Not that I feel self-important, but really? Being accident prone is unfortunate and pesky, but at least you aren't the person in colonoscopy FML under this.

Send a private message

Sunday 25 September 2016 23:47

Maybe you should file a lawsuit.

Lalala579121 27

Send a private message

Monday 26 September 2016 2:52

Or break up with FML.

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11

You deserved it 16

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 391

You deserved it 1 078

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 850

You deserved it 1 230