Intimacy: Today, I was texting my boyfriend, making plans to see him tomorrow....

By Shower? - France

Today, I was texting my boyfriend, making plans to see him tomorrow. He ended the conversation by saying "I'm changing my sheets tomorrow, so take a shower." FML

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Intimacy

Messed up

Taking stock

Great parenting

By sickness and health my sphincter - Singapore - Singapore

Today, my 2-year-old daughter and my 27-year-old husband both woke me up in the early hours of the morning. Their complaints were the same: they'd both wet the bed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hatfield

Today, away at college, I called my grandmother to hear how she was doing after her knee surgery. She ended up talking about Hooters and how I should work there because of my "rare body". When I mentioned I've been studying computer science, earning a 3.8 GPA, she replied, "But you're a girl." FML

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By hiddenplainly - United States

Today, I did my budget. I have a good job, make decent money, and work full time, but without including any flexible spending items like groceries, I make $32 less than my bills each month. FML

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By reedcarter

Today, while I was at a urinal, a man came up to use the one next to me. He then said, "I guess this is where all the dicks hang out." He then stared at me until I left. FML

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By amywee - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Are Christmas cards still a thing?

Today, my dog received a Christmas card before I did. FML

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By dirtbikeguy - United States - Chicago

Today, I had a dream about a giant spider crawling around in my mouth. I woke up to find that dreams sometimes do come true. FML

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By GLX - United States - Sand Springs

Today, a "friend" tried to sell me a digital camera that I recognized that was stolen from my home a week earlier, along with a few other things. FML

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By well then - United States - Forest Park

Today, my girlfriend randomly confessed to basically having a "phobia" of monogamy. But don't worry, she defensively assured me she's never ever cheated on me, even though I never said she had, so I guess that's okay then. FML

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By imarriedanaxemurderer - United States - Joliet

Today, my husband was in our newborn's room, holding and talking to him. I guess he forgot the baby monitor, because I overheard him say, "Wanna know a secret? Daddy kills people." I really hope he was just quoting Dexter. FML

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By unluckydude - Colombia - Tunja

Today, my co-worker thought it would be funny to tell her husband that she cheated on him with me. I'm scared to death and I don't dare to go out by myself. FML

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By AR Good - United States - Hawthorne

Today, my husband is pissed off, withholding affection, and not speaking to me. Why? I don't want to have sex with random men while he watches. FML

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By HappyGirl - France

Today, my little brother, who is 11, explained to me how babies are made. I’m 15. FML

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By BrownDump - United States

Today, I was taking a dump and I pushed so hard that I got light headed and passed out on the floor. FML

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By stixx - United States

Today, I got a new cat. I tried to reenact the opening scene from Lion King, where in Simba gets held up for everyone to see. The fan was on when I lifted my cat up. FML

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By DeepTaccer - United Kingdom

Today, I was sucking on a Tic Tac. Just as I was starting to get into it, the Tic-Tac suddenly shot down my throat. After a minute of coughing and gagging, it came back up... out my left nostril. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my new coworker asked if I knew her daughter. I responded yes and asked how her pregnancy was going. She didn't know her daughter was pregnant. FML

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By BigSister - United States

Today, my 15 year old sister came home at 4am totally stoned. My parents treated her really nicely and woke me up. I'm now grounded until I go college for being a bad influence. I volunteer at schools to talk about abusing drugs. FML

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55932

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By oneiPodlighter - United States - Conshohocken

Today, my "friend" came over. I caught him trying to steal my iPod on the way out. Proud of myself for catching him, I asked him to leave, only to realize that I had forgotten to actually take the iPod back from him before he left. FML

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42877

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By Fartfail - Hong Kong - Corozal

Today, while vacuuming my new apartment, I farted a few times. After my last fart, I turned to find my super-hot neighbor standing at the door. Panicking, I asked in a "I-didn't-just-fart-my-ass" tone, "Oh hi! Been standing there for long?" She replied, "Since your initial rip." FML

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29689

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By Rhine - Barbados - Bridgetown

Today, at a Christmas party, my crush came up to me and cutely pointed out that I was standing under mistletoe. The only response my stupid brain could think of was, "Probably full of nargles though." He gave me a confused look and walked away. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my crazy ex-girlfriend legally changed her last name to mine. I'm getting married in a week. FML

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By brokeandalone - United States

Today, I found out my wife has been bribing my daughter to keep quiet about her affair with my boss. That would explain the iPhone 4S, the $500 shoes, the $200 purse, and the professional $300 haircut. They told me it was because she had straight A's. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2021 17:01

It never rains…

Today, it's my ninth day off work. I should have been back 4 days ago, but whilst resting a swollen knee at home, I got a hair stuck in my eye so badly that I had to go to A&E at 4 a.m. to get it taken out. Now work won't let me come back until the resulting conjunctivitis clears up. FML

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738

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By singlesoon - Canada

Today, I bailed my soon to be ex-husband out of jail after he'd been arrested for soliciting. Soliciting an undercover cop. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my Christian boyfriend of six months broke up with me. I had told him when we started dating that I was an atheist, and he just now decided to look up what it is. He gave me a bible. FML

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By Sucks2suck

Today, I received an invitation to my ex’s wedding. We were dating for three years and just broke up four months ago. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband ate several slices of pizza and one whole ghost pepper. He then threw up all over the living room, hallway, and pile of dirty clothes in the bathroom before going directly to bed. I had to clean it up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Washington

Today, school was out because of snow. My dad walked in my room and shouted "Why are you home?!" I told him why, and he replied, "Then get out the damn house and play in the snow." He tossed me out in nothing but my shorts. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I'm the only one at work in a small office. The water tank sprung a leak. Guess who had to call the boss and get instructions via cell phone to turn it off? I can't even leave the office to change my soaked clothes, because I need to wait for an important phone call. Seven hours to go. FML

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By Lonely - Australia

Today, I found out that despite having attended every university party held over the last two years, the only physical contact I have had with a member of the opposite sex is when the security guard stamps my hand. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after finally sleeping with a girl for the first time in I don't know how long, at some point during sex she managed to completely crush my balls. I acted cool until she left, then I had to wake my parents up at 3 a.m. to take me to the hospital where I was diagnosed testicular bruising. FML

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46645

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By everore - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, my brother learned how to fake cry. I've been catching shit for everything I've done and said near him ever since. FML

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By facefuckedguy - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I went to a job interview, and a guy ahead of me went to enter the building, only to walk face-first into a glass door. I rushed to help him up, and after we had a good laugh about it, I turned to walk inside, only to walk straight into the door as well. FML

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46068

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By Anonymous - United States - Chester

Today, I'm so broke after paying my bills, that I resorted to eating plain garlic butter from the pizzeria down the street for lunch. The worst part: to get the butter, I stormed in and angrily complained, saying they forgot to give it to me. I never even ordered a pizza. FML

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40839

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By lucas_urev - United States - Cold Spring Harbor

Today, I had made a cup of my favorite coffee, which I had recently found to be discontinued. To accompany this last cup, I went to get a muffin. As I turned around, I see my son pouring the cup out because I out put it next to the sink and he thought it was dirty. FML

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36670

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By apparentlyhesbusy - United States

Today, my boyfriend of almost a year invited me over to dinner at his house. Before leaving, I called him to let him know I was on my way. Just as he begins to tell me he'll call me back, I hear another girl in the background say, "Why don't you just tell her you're busy?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newark

Today, I had to explain to my friend that a blue raspberry is not a blackberry, and that blue raspberry is an artificial flavor, not a fruit. This explanation took much longer than it should have. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2020 08:02

Proud boy

Today, I went on a Tinder date. He seemed pretty normal. Very handsome, and a complete gentleman. Turned out he's a white supremacist. FML

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By marisa - Ireland - Carlow

Today, I had to beg my husband not to shave his pubic hair into a handlebar moustache. FML

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24038

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By hungry - Canada

Today, I'm participating in a 30 hour awareness-raising event on famine in Africa. I'm supposed to hand out leaflets to people from my booth. My school decided to hand out a literal crate-load of free cupcakes right in front of us. FML

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Top comments

By wellinever | 5

#627412 - Monday 19 October 2009 16:07

Shower together. Only so you can be sure that he is as clean as you. Now it's not an FML any more.

By FromCFL | 0

#627446 - Monday 19 October 2009 16:29

YDI for having to be told to take a shower.

COMMENTS

By Ranoona | 0

#627403 - Monday 19 October 2009 16:04

aha! Poor you. But if u relly do stink then take his advice.

123sploosh | 0

#627448 - Monday 19 October 2009 16:29

wait, like, ii dont really get this....is she like smelly or just grody?

jackkerouc9 | 0

#627735 - Monday 19 October 2009 19:45

shes french.

littlegolferboy | 4

#627961 - Monday 19 October 2009 21:34

Zinnnnng!

*High-fives jackkerouc9*

Zezing | 0

#632902 - Thursday 22 October 2009 10:52

huh did someone call me?

AnaMaree | 0

#633969 - Friday 23 October 2009 3:11

Attention Whore, no.

Morgannnnuhhh | 1

#3988428 - Friday 3 February 2012 23:19

Are you into girls?

By wellinever | 5

#627412 - Monday 19 October 2009 16:07

Shower together. Only so you can be sure that he is as clean as you. Now it's not an FML any more.

primadonna9396 | 16

#982636 - Tuesday 20 April 2010 21:50

Vive la France.

By Ranoona | 0

#627415 - Monday 19 October 2009 16:09

haha funny #2 xD

By happy_bubbles | 0

#627426 - Monday 19 October 2009 16:14

hahahaha

By smileyface94 | 0

#627439 - Monday 19 October 2009 16:25

maybe he just wants sex. but not dirty sex thats why he changes his bed sheets :)

By FromCFL | 0

#627446 - Monday 19 October 2009 16:29

YDI for having to be told to take a shower.

chahat | 0

#2857586 - Saturday 9 July 2011 22:15

lmao

Jayms_fml | 32

#6567850 - Saturday 26 March 2016 18:38

I was thinking the same thing. ;)

By bugmenotmofo | 34

#627470 - Monday 19 October 2009 16:43

Well...there's got to be a reason why your boyfriend says something like that...now all we must do is figure out WHICH, brainiac ;-)

cre8or99 | 0

#2947252 - Thursday 21 July 2011 23:30

HOLY SHIT!!! You've posted 133 FML's...... no life

By glostik | 0

#627477 - Monday 19 October 2009 16:47

Too bad your own boyfriend thinks you have bad hygiene..

By kukopia | 0

#627494 - Monday 19 October 2009 16:57

So now it's a FML to have good, open, honest communication with your partner?!?!? Mods, oh please mods... you can do SOOO much better!

MEH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!