Today, I was talking to a co-worker about birth control. Ten... - FML

By OverWorked1 - 20/1/2011 03:59 - United States

Today, I was talking to a co-worker about birth control. Ten minutes later, I went to my sent e-mails to copy and reuse an old e-mail and realized I had sent "I tried calling you but your birth control is not working" to a student. It was supposed to say "voicemail". FML

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Rock, hard place

Boozehound alert

Bad news

By GetFuzzy - 18/10/2019 12:00

Coach Class

Today, I was on the phone with my diet coach. I was telling her how I lost 3 pounds this week. I was saying this while eating a bag of chips, a beer in my hand and cooking a 3-meat pizza. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2019 02:00

Today, my husband and I were having sex. It was stormy outside, and when lightning flashed through the window, he screamed like a little girl and scrambled off the bed. FML

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By anonymous - 16/11/2011 03:17 - Canada

Today, I was naked, still deciding what to wear, when the doorbell rang. I grabbed the closest thing to cover up with: my Snuggie. I answered the door, it was kids asking for donations. Without thinking, I turned around to grab my purse. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2009 21:54 - United States

Today, after being turned away by nearly all the restaurants in the area, I tried applying at Burger King. They too turned me away. I have a Culinary School Degree. FML

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By S. Fancyson - 16/4/2013 23:23 - United States

Today, I gave my wife a birthday present. For months she'd been talking about an expensive treadmill that she wanted, so I bought it. Her reaction when she saw it was to yell, "YOU THINK I'M FAT!" and burst into tears. FML

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By =( - 5/4/2014 17:48 - United States - Houston

Today, I had to tell my ex that I'm pregnant with his baby. I sent him a casual "Hey :)" text to try to ease into things. He replied, "WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?" and ended up threatening to make my life hell if I don't tell my new boyfriend that the child is his. FML

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By nowbrokevaper - 19/11/2016 18:47 - United States - Pomona

Today, I found out that my boss, who had promised me a raise, is not promoting me. He says I don't have the right 'vibe' and I'm not 'relaxed' enough for the job. FML

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By poorbeauty - 10/6/2016 22:32 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my sister found and read my journal. My first entry talked about how I shaved my ass for the first time. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2014 13:00 - United States

Today, a guy drunkenly professed his love for me. He did this after walking in on me peeing, which he decided was the time to tell me such a thing. FML

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By coloneltushfinger - 12/6/2019 16:00

Today, I did the best at-home manicure I’ve ever had. I took my time and it looked like it was done professionally. As soon as I put on the top coat and waited for it to dry, my stomach rumbled and I had to run to take a dump. The polish smeared everywhere, ruining the whole thing. FML

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By Cxisbest - 23/3/2011 21:21 - United States

Today, as I walked home, I heard the people behind me in an argument over my gender. FML

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By needsomelove - 20/10/2019 06:00 - France

Running gag

Today, my boyfriend and I tried to have sex. Foreplay was amazing, but as soon as he started to get it in, he lost his erection because he was too nervous. He's a 30-year-old virgin and this has happened at least 10 times. FML

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By pissed - 4/5/2009 04:25 - United States

Today, I was on Facebook looking at pictures of my boyfriend, who was in his friend's wedding this past weekend. He said that none of the girlfriends could come because it would cost too much for the couple. I spent the weekend alone, and all his friend's girlfriends are in the pictures. FML

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By snoozlagist - 30/10/2010 04:52 - United States

Today, while on the bus, I began to fall asleep. Suddenly, a man next to me started laughing very loudly, scaring me and jolting me out from my nap. I was so scared, I reflexively punched the girl in front of me in the face. I was pinned down by three other men while the cops were called. FML

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By Jim - 10/3/2011 18:09 - United States

Today, my friends told me that they couldn't make it to my birthday dinner unless I changed the time, because I'd made dinner reservations that would clash with the new episode of Jersey Shore. FML

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By notwasted39 - 13/7/2009 16:21 - United States

Today, I was walking to my mailbox and I fell down and couldn't get up. My neighbor walked by with his dog, took one look at me struggling, said "What is wrong with kids these days, drunk at 9am" and continued on. I couldn't get up because I am still healing from a stress fracture in my hip. FML

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By notanidiot - 20/6/2012 12:46 - United States - Lansing

Today, I laughed when I shouldn't have and am probably fired. What happened? My boss asked me if birds were reptiles. I thought he was kidding. FML

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By SariLone - 19/5/2013 18:02 - India - Mumbai

Today, my cockgoblin of an ex showed up at my house, begging me to take him back. This guy, with his friends' help, faked being kidnapped just so he could use the "trauma" to guilt me into sleeping with him after he "escaped". When he finally left, he yelled that I'm a selfish bitch. FML

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By you - 30/10/2012 19:46 - United Kingdom

Today, while getting intimate with my girlfriend, she asked me to whisper her name. Apparently, her name is not Kate. FML

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By gotta love my momma - 28/8/2014 05:08 - United States - Folsom

Today, I got married. My booze-hound mother made a toast, and told a story about how she once walked in on us having sex. My husband's family is very religious, and we told them we weren't having sex until marriage. Thanks mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2013 05:26 - United States - Saint Maries

Today, my mother and grandmother informed me that my sixteen-year-old dog died. I was standing in Wal-Mart at the time. They then yelled at me because crying in public is "inappropriate." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2020 23:03

Devious, the lot of them

Today, I was out walking with a cute girl when we passed by a house with a Trump sign. Trying to make her laugh, I went to steal it. Turns out it was booby trapped. I got drenched by a sprinkler when I got close. FML

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By jasmine - 10/6/2019 14:00

Today, my daughter is 16 hours-old and cries every time I pick her up, and refuses to be breast fed. She loves sleeping peacefully in her dad’s arms, and being bottle-fed by him. My 16 hour-old baby hates me. FML

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By TDCC - 17/4/2011 01:06 - United States

Today, my dog ate a $2,000 check. My credit card bill gets taken out of my bank account tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2017 06:00

Today, I was getting one of the best blow jobs I have ever received. My girlfriend was getting into it when I heard an "uh oh". Her tongue ring got twisted around the hair close to my balls. She started to pull, I started to scream. FML

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By _The__Doctor_ - 31/12/2013 22:44 - United States - Venice

Today, my skydiving instructor casually remarked that he wouldn't mind "diving into" me sometime. He was strapped to my back the whole way down. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2012 22:43 - United States - Lahaina

Today, I learned that despite having told them two years ago, my parents still aren't accepting of me being gay. I found this out when my mom called and asked if I was "cured" yet. FML

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By Tyler_Padgett - 24/5/2009 23:52 - United States

Today, I was lighting fireworks for my cousin's birthday in my Grandmother's yard. When it came time to light the "Grand Finale", I read on the outside of the box,"Face this side toward crowd for best result". After I lit it, I realized that it was on it's side. I shot 100 fireworks at my family. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2013 19:37 - United States - Norcross

Today, I had a formal complaint filed against me for being outrageously rude to a customer. All I did was tell a customer that she couldn't use food stamps at the movie theater. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2014 13:56 - United States

Today, a coworker asked me why this week's report was not uploaded to the server. I've been writing these reports once a week for a year and they take a whole day to write. Upload them to what server? FML

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By Jim - 12/4/2018 01:30

Today, I dropped my car off at the dealership for a bumper replacement due to a hit and run in a parking lot. After being told it was ready, their shuttle picked me up, and backed up into my just-replaced bumper. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2012 01:06 - Canada - Windsor

Today, I saw my girlfriend walking hand-in-hand down the street with another man. When I confronted her, she claimed she had no idea who I was, and the guy told me to beat it. Later on, she returned to our apartment and actually tried to act as if nothing had happened. FML

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By suxx - 25/6/2011 08:39 - United States

Today, I walked around for hours with a post-it on my back reading "I JUST HAD SEX!" My boyfriend stuck it on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2009 14:55 - United States

Today, I snuck out of my house in the middle of the night. I ran into my dad carrying wine into another house. I didn't assume he was cheating until he saw me and said "I won't tell if you don't tell, please don't tell your mother". FML

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By crushed - 29/3/2009 06:40 - United States

Today, I was hanging with my boyfriend and when his mom came to pick him up, he introduced me. She talked to me politely and i thought we hit it off very well. As I was walking away I hear her say "That's your new girlfriend? Honey, you could do so much better". FML

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By THATguy - 21/9/2009 04:12 - United States

Today, I was at work when two sheriff's deputies walked in. They asked me my name and when I told them, they asked me to turn around and they cuffed me. They told me I was under arrest for robbery. Turns out I was mistakenly IDed, but now every one at my job thinks I'm an armed robber. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2017 22:00

Today, while working as a line cook, one of the servers sincerely asked me, "What sauce goes on a chicken bacon ranch sandwich?" I replied, a little incredulously I'll admit, "…Ranch." She then totally lost her cool and went full-blown adult temper tantrum because I was, "mean to her." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2013 16:27 - Serbia

Today, my girlfriend and I were having a casual conversation, when the topic suddenly became my penis. Before I knew what was going on, she said, "It's not the size that matters though. It's how you use it. So I guess you're ok." FML

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By brsoxgirl - 15/7/2011 05:51 - United States

Today, I learned why my boyfriend of 10 months and I never hang out at his place. He still lives at home with his mother. He's 38. FML

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By backtosquareone - 4/10/2011 05:22 - Asia/Pacific Region

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. Devastated, he withered onto the floor into an inconsolable wreck in front of dozens of people. The ribbon of embarrassment that went down my spine was too much for me to handle, so I had to tell him I was "only joking." FML

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Top comments

By fadingaway | 17

#1988172 - Thursday 20 January 2011 9:11

Okay, now you send another email saying ''Sorry, I meant to say voicemail''. Problem solved.

By alwa7sh | 2

#1988176 - Thursday 20 January 2011 9:12

It's ok the student will freak out about being a dad so young but then realise he isn't the father. That will teach him a life lesson to use a condom when he has sex every time. You just did the student a favour of a lifetime.

COMMENTS

By Putton | 0

#1988161 - Thursday 20 January 2011 9:10

lol :p

By LikeHell_ | 6

#1988166 - Thursday 20 January 2011 9:11

I think it's funny.

By fadingaway | 17

#1988172 - Thursday 20 January 2011 9:11

Okay, now you send another email saying ''Sorry, I meant to say voicemail''. Problem solved.

Reply

nayeli760 | 0

#1988191 - Thursday 20 January 2011 9:13

Haha, I just wrote that.

Reply

akd1v | 0

#1988348 - Thursday 20 January 2011 9:51

technically he was 4 and your 5 so he wrote it first.....just saying

Reply

PhoenixFiend | 0

#1989077 - Thursday 20 January 2011 14:18

Technically, she never said she was first. ;)

By nayeli760 | 0

#1988174 - Thursday 20 January 2011 9:12

Just send another message and say it was a mistake.

Reply

lovexbox | 8

#1988274 - Thursday 20 January 2011 9:28

Agreed!

By alwa7sh | 2

#1988176 - Thursday 20 January 2011 9:12

It's ok the student will freak out about being a dad so young but then realise he isn't the father. That will teach him a life lesson to use a condom when he has sex every time. You just did the student a favour of a lifetime.

Reply

SeasonedLemur | 5

#1988370 - Thursday 20 January 2011 9:59

I was surprised to find that this comment was posted by a guy

By 2fknreaL | 0

#1988177 - Thursday 20 January 2011 9:12

Not a FML moment. Booooooo!

By illjusbedamned | 0

#1988199 - Thursday 20 January 2011 9:15

it'd be funny if the student replies with "That's because my uterus is full. Thanks for the heads up. "

Reply

BahahahLOL | 0

#1988536 - Thursday 20 January 2011 10:54

LOLipop

By perdix | 29

#1988213 - Thursday 20 January 2011 9:18

If you two had a "Hot For Teacher" thing going on, I'll bet he shit his pants.

Reply

FYLDeep | 25

#1988315 - Thursday 20 January 2011 9:39

She's probably the one who feels tardy though if her birth control ain't working.

Reply

perdix | 29

#1988333 - Thursday 20 January 2011 9:43

Yeah, but he forgot his "pencil." ;)

Reply

sourgirl101 | 28

#1988451 - Thursday 20 January 2011 10:25

Give him something to write on, man.
And I think the clock is slow. (:

*love VH*

Reply

DropDead77 | 11

#1988496 - Thursday 20 January 2011 10:37

I bet his "homework was never quite like this"
5150(:

By mintcar | 9

#1988225 - Thursday 20 January 2011 9:19

Just explain it to the student. Surely, he or she will understand.

Reply

perdix | 29

#1988325 - Thursday 20 January 2011 9:41

No, he won't. He'll wonder why you are discussing birth control while e-mailing to him.

You don't know how guys think. If a girl mentions something sexual in a guy's presence, he automatically thinks that there is at least a chance...

Reply

SuperDuperSex | 0

#1988979 - Thursday 20 January 2011 13:36

#34 is God

Reply

PhoenixFiend | 0

#1989084 - Thursday 20 January 2011 14:20

34, does that mean you've moved to guys?

By iR0ckSkinnys | 3

#1988290 - Thursday 20 January 2011 9:33

haha I bet her voicemail isn't the only thing that's not working!

:} <---- OMG! doesn't that look like Mr.Pringles on the pringles box:O