Today, I was shaving my balls with a blade razor because my electric... - FML

By ITguy1982 - 28/5/2009 17:15 - United States

Today, I was shaving my balls with a blade razor because my electric trimmer had died and I had a big date with the girl of my dreams. I moved too quickly and accidentally knicked a vein in my scrotum. I had to hold gauze over my balls until the paramedics arrived. FML

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ITguy1982 tells us more :

Just got back from the hospital. Needed 8 stitches to close everything back up again. I had to postpone the date. Hopefully she'll be willing to wait a few weeks for me to heal up. I now have to put my sack in a plastic zip lock bag when I take a shower in order to prevent the area from getting wet.

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Gas giant

Daydreaming

By cnkk07 - 14/10/2011 10:36 - United States

Today, my dad used the stove to boil water. Unfortunately, he turned the wrong burner on, setting the smoke alarm off. What's worse was the smell of burning plastic that came from the coffeemaker being melted down. It's been over an hour, and my eyes still burn like hell when I walk into the kitchen. FML

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By wtfiswronghere - 8/12/2015 18:36 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my grandmother insisted that Mexicans sacrifice humans every year as part of their Catholic religion. The Swaggart guy on TV said so, and apparently, he can't be wrong, ever. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2014 01:25 - United States - Butler

Today, after working the night shift, I accidentally left my iPod at the office. I woke up later and went on Facebook. To my dismay, I saw some coworker had posted stuff on my wall, such as, "I really have to take a shit!" and "Yes, my tits are real!" FML

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By anon - 29/8/2012 04:52 - United States - York

Today, I was giving a tour of my boat to a man who seemed interested in purchasing it. Everything was going great. That is, until, the motor stopped running in the middle of the ocean. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2020 17:00

Spooky

Today, I work as a RGN in an old victorian-style nursing home. Due to Covid-19, we've lost many residents, one passing just the night prior while I was with him. This morning, the TV turned on its own at nearly 4 a.m. in the lounge, and one of the HCAs reported stuff falling off in the corridor. FML

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By anonymous - 4/12/2010 12:03 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were arguing about how he was too busy for me. During that conversation, he was texting his best friend and then called by his brother to drive him home. Instead of returning to finish our conversation, he left to prepare for his fishing trip with his mates tomorrow. FML

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By jlong9071 - 9/11/2014 03:38 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I learned that when you're talking about your girlfriend's 6'4", 250 lb dad in a negative way, you should really make sure he isn't around first. FML

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By Apes - 25/3/2013 07:18 - United States - Temecula

Today, my cat learned how to open doors. Ever since then she's been running up to my room, opening my door, and running away. My cat is playing ding-dong ditch. FML

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By devil neighbours - 11/4/2017 15:00 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I'm living in a house share with a passive-aggressive middle-aged couple who leave rude notes around the house and yet pretend I don't exist when they happen to be in the same room as me. I'm in no position to get rid of them or move myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2010 12:19 - Netherlands

Today, I wanted to send a birthday card. I kindly asked my boss for an envelope, and she asked me to pay for it. I've been working for her as an intern for over a year now, without receiving any money for it. FML

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By FailAtLife - 22/2/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, I had a job interview at a restauraunt opening up. One manager hypothetically asked me why I should be hired. I said I was more efficient than most. I left to find I'd locked my keys in the car. It took all the managers to help me get my keys out. FML

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By shit_fer_luck - 16/12/2014 16:35 - United States - West Lafayette

Today, someone backed straight into my car as I was hunting for a parking spot. I just got my car back from the body shop after a hit-and-run. FML

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By OuttaNowhere81 - 15/5/2009 04:05 - United States

Today, I was smoking a cigarette in my backyard while my parents were out, because I'm not allowed to smoke. While smoking, my parents came home unexpectedly. In a rush, I flicked it over the fence, and it landed in my neighbor's hair. It was still lit. FML

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By Hobbsie - 29/8/2010 04:54 - Canada

Today, my dad walked in on me singing "Bohemian Rhapsody", while spinning in circles with the cat in my arms. I thought I was home alone. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2020 11:05 - Australia

Unforgettable

Today, it's my birthday, I once again had to remind my best friend of this fact, like I have every year for the past 20 years. FML

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By sadface - 4/1/2010 06:43 - Australia

Today, I pulled a hamstring by taking a dump. FML

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By E_Sauce - 24/3/2019 12:00

Today I went to the bank to get a jar of coins exchanged for cash via fancy counter machine. After 30 minutes I was handed a bag of rolling sleeves and was told to do it myself. Good news, I have a lot more money than I thought. Bad news, I have A LOT more coins than I thought. FML

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By YaytoSeniorYear - 5/9/2017 20:00

Today, my roommate revealed that she's dating my ex. I later had to navigate around them caressing each other just to grab my noodles from the microwave. FML

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By Stinky - 20/11/2011 10:23 - United States

Today, at 2am, I heard a strange sound coming from the hallway. I walked over, only to discover my drunk boyfriend pissing in the closet. On my favorite shoes. FML

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By kittykat - 8/8/2009 18:02 - United States

Today, I snuck out of my bedroom to go pee very quickly, so I wouldn't wake up my new puppy who doesn't like being away from me. In the 60 seconds it took me to pee, wash my hands and walk back into the room she had pooped, peed, and left potty-paw-prints all over my bed. FML

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By ktiskool - 1/8/2013 04:03 - United States - Imperial

Today, I was watching my 3-year-old sister play in the bathtub. She started screaming at her toys, saying "You're staying under the water until you DIE!" She then looked at me and cackled. I share a room with this demon child. FML

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By need an appendickectomy - 17/3/2013 20:12 - Finland

Today, I found out my boyfriend has been cheating on me for months. It all started while I was in the hospital, he says, because we were supposed to go out that day, but then I "had to go and get sick". He blames my emergency surgery for his infidelity. FML

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By Gw - 28/10/2009 19:03 - United States

Today, my fiancée and I were going on our honeymoon. Our flight was delayed by two hours. It landed when our connecting flight to St. Lucia was taking off. The airline said they were holding the flight for us, so we sprinted from D gate to A, in time to watch the plane pull away. FML

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By unlucky - 21/10/2010 13:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I failed my driving test. The examiner insisted I that didn't check a junction before pulling out. I did, he just didn't notice because he was too busy staring at my chest. FML

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By cmerr - 19/3/2009 07:40 - United States

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend at his college and when I walked into the dorm he was lying in his bed with another girl. When he saw me he simply said, "April Fool's!" It's March 19th. FML

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By justgivemethed - 25/4/2013 07:55 - United States - Westminster

Today, I was tutoring a band member. Whenever I ask him to play a D or any D scale, he stops just to snicker and say, "Ha ha. D." He still sucks. I hate his guts. FML

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By wowdadreally - 23/12/2014 20:46 - United States - College Station

Today, while shopping with my father, I had to use the restroom. As soon as I opened the door to the men's room, my father yelled that it was the ladies' room. I then turned around and went through the other door, where I ended up getting bitch-slapped. FML

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By anonymous - 21/6/2010 12:21 - France

Today, the Vuvuzela that my brother ordered online was delivered to our house. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2012 22:49 - United States

Today, trying to pocket a little extra cash for himself, my dad responded to multiple babysitting ads on Craigslist, accepting them all on my behalf. I despise children with all my heart. FML

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By unicornlove - 17/7/2020 20:01

No soup for you

Today, I was bringing a table a bowl of soup at my waitressing job. A new customer taking off his coat threw his elbow out, violently knocking the soup out of my hands and onto his baby in a highchair. The baby screamed; I had a panic attack. FML

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By unemployed and bereaved - 25/11/2013 05:03 - United Kingdom

Today, my boss claimed that I've been lying to get days off because apparently nobody can be so unlucky as to have three family members die within a month. I am just that unlucky, and suspended. FML

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By Odds in my favour - 14/3/2018 15:00

Today, I put out a public ad for a dancing buddy. No pictures, just a brief description of what I was looking for. A guy answered and we started chatting. The more he revealed, the more familiar he sounded. Yep! That's him! My stalker from 10 years ago. Guess I have to move. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2011 18:25 - United States

Today, it's been a full week since my last orthodontist appointment and I still can't eat anything besides Slimfast and pudding. FML

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By Targeted - 9/11/2012 04:54 - United States - Kirkland

Today, just like every morning this month, I woke up, put on my clothes, looked out my window, and was pointed at by a man in a ninja outfit on my neighbor's roof. The police still can't find him. FML

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By Roll Tide of Tears - 17/1/2016 03:28 - United States

Today, on my college visit, I met a perfect girl for me, sweet, gorgeous, on the same career path. I remember everything we talked about, where she is from, what sport she plays, and her recent internship. But when I went to look her up online, I couldn't remember one thing, her name. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2009 02:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend sent me a text saying to call him. When I did, it went straight to voicemail. It was a recording of him breaking up with me. He broke up with me over the phone, without even talking to me. FML

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By mala_19 - 12/6/2017 14:00 - Sweden

Today, at work, I had to help a teenager who was stuck in a toy car for kids, and no, it was not in one piece when she finally got out. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2017 06:00

Thanks?

Today, I went out with a guy who, about 20 minutes into our dinner, said, "Wow, you don't sweat much for a fat chick." FML

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By livgasms - 18/8/2011 04:02 - United Kingdom

Today, my family decided it would be hilarious to catch the biggest moths they could and let them loose in my room. I'm terrified of moths and they thought it would be 'funny as hell' to watch me freak out. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2016 19:31 - United States - Cloquet

Today, my shitburglar of an ex asked me to take him back. He said dumping me was a huge mistake. He dumped me because I was bed-ridden for several weeks and was in no condition to have sex. If his social media is anything to go by, he only wants me back because he couldn't get laid elsewhere. FML

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Top comments

By Miru_fml | 0

#239849 - Thursday 28 May 2009 20:03

OMG.... that sucks! FYL for getting cut, but also YDI because... why would you shave your balls, and on a first date??

By genius_man16 | 0

#239852 - Thursday 28 May 2009 20:05

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA

You should know to be careful when you shave down there. THEY ARE YOUR FUCKING BALLS MAN!!

YDI for being a fool.

COMMENTS

By a201 | 0

#239846 - Thursday 28 May 2009 20:02

Dumbest move ever. YDI for sure!

Reply

iloveeyouuxD | 9

#2992254 - Friday 29 July 2011 9:12

Yeah ^^^ Ouch! that's gotta hurt! YDI

Reply

ColonelCusswords | 24

#6331631 - Thursday 25 June 2015 10:58

you people are assholes, im crying a tear for a man who cut his nut

By Miru_fml | 0

#239849 - Thursday 28 May 2009 20:03

OMG.... that sucks! FYL for getting cut, but also YDI because... why would you shave your balls, and on a first date??

Reply

chelzy | 0

#1040472 - Wednesday 23 June 2010 18:27

so true. he deserves it if he thought he'd get laid on the first date.

Reply

writergirl23 | 19

#3292795 - Thursday 15 September 2011 8:20

It's the girl of his dreams...

Reply

natsaysheyyy | 16

#5118398 - Monday 5 November 2012 21:10

"BIG" date, not "FIRST" date. They could have been on a few dates before, but not exclusive yet.

Reply

badluckross | 21

#5870387 - Thursday 27 February 2014 7:25

He could also just be shaving his balls.. Some guys like to keep it clean down there regardless if they think they'll be getting any action or not..

By clockworkrainbow | 3

#239850 - Thursday 28 May 2009 20:03

YDI, idiot.

By kkkristennnn | 0

#239851 - Thursday 28 May 2009 20:04

hahaahah thats shitty, FYL

By genius_man16 | 0

#239852 - Thursday 28 May 2009 20:05

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA

You should know to be careful when you shave down there. THEY ARE YOUR FUCKING BALLS MAN!!

YDI for being a fool.

By embryoyo | 3

#239854 - Thursday 28 May 2009 20:05

Chemical depilatory anyone?

By heygirlheyyyyy | 0

#239855 - Thursday 28 May 2009 20:06

oh, you poor fool. D:

By BobSwarley | 4

#239856 - Thursday 28 May 2009 20:06

i bet waxing doesn't seem so bad now, eh?

By omigod | 0

#239857 - Thursday 28 May 2009 20:06

oh shit. that must hurt like a mofo.
i just hope your dream girl would appreciate what you had to go thru just to be with her

By realggirl | 0

#239865 - Thursday 28 May 2009 20:07

ouch
yourlifeisfucked

Reply

xtfauthorx | 0

#1019436 - Saturday 5 June 2010 1:00

even though you're not :D

Reply

Anglar | 5

#2233400 - Thursday 24 March 2011 4:25

^ win. :)