Today, I was running late for work. I forgot my name tag and...

By illuminatzi - 3/10/2015 02:32 - United States - Temple

Today, I was running late for work. I forgot my name tag and work hat at home, but my boss is pretty laid back, so I wasn't worried about it. Five minutes into my shift, the district supervisor walked in for a surprise employee inspection. FML

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Work

Mixed signals

This ain't working out

Extreme late fees

By maebyf - 31/8/2010 14:48 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of three years proposed to me. He brought me to our favorite restaurant and ordered expensive champagne. It was all very romantic, until he got on one knee and I farted out of surprise. Loudly. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2020 02:02

Great speech, thanks!

Today, my biologist father had a slide show and speech prepared for my wedding. It started with, “40 years ago, there was a tree here”. I thought this would relate to me or the wedding at some point. 45 minutes later, I had to admit that it didn’t. FML

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By Bir - 8/12/2019 14:00 - Nepal

Early wake-up

Today, my nephew grabbed my balls to wake me up at 4 AM. FML

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By Birdman - 23/6/2018 15:00

Today, my 3-year-old fell asleep in our bed while cuddling me, and I let him stay since he was being so sweet. In the middle of the night, he took off his pants and pissed all over my head and back. FML

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By NOKHAN - 25/10/2013 17:17 - United States - Durham

Today, my boyfriend and I watched Star Trek Into Darkness together. He liked it so much that he's now chosen to yell "KHAAANNNNN!" as he cums. FML

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By brown and sticky - 16/1/2020 14:00 - United States - Baltimore

Food poisoning

Today, I got food poisoning. After leaving class 4 times to poop, I sharted in the school bus on the ride home. FML

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By jb123 - 29/12/2020 20:00 - United States - Rock Springs

I'm still young

Today, I was sitting in a waiting room with my two-month-old son. A sweet little old lady came up to me and said, "Maybe if you knew how to keep your legs closed, you wouldn't have a baby at 15, slut." I'm 23 and married. FML

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By Brotherssuckkk - 18/1/2010 20:04 - France

Today, my mom asked me to clean beneath my brother's bed for money. I found a rotten apple, a picture of my best friend, and a dead bird. I got $10. FML

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By LittleFriend - 30/11/2017 06:00

Today, I was told I will receive no Christmas or birthday presents for the next 3 years because my parents paid for my rhinoplasty. I needed it because my 12-year-old brother smashed my nose with a hammer in a fit of rage. FML

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By Annoyed - 15/1/2017 18:00

Today, while giving my boyfriend what I thought was an amazing blow job, he asked me if I'd seen Kung Fu Panda 3 yet. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2011 11:50 - United States

Today, I was let go from my balloon-selling job at the zoo. They put a new monkey cage in my designated spot. I was literally fired so a monkey could take my place. FML

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By dinapar - 14/7/2009 14:02 - Canada

Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend watching a movie, my boyfriend then leans in and says: "You know, you're my favourite girlfriend." I then jokingly responded by saying: "You say that like I'm not the only girlfriend you have right now." I hate being right. FML

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By Cup_of___ - 26/11/2009 16:23 - United States

Today, I walked into a liquor store and thought about inquiring for a job application. After seeing the cashier, I thought about inquiring if she was single. After accidentally breaking three bottles of liquor, I didn't do either. I left the store, still single and unemployed. FML

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By whatdidimarry - 24/9/2015 23:31 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I caught my husband and the cat licking the butter together. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2011 17:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by way of making me an account on an online dating site. He then emailed me the account information and left. FML

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By ssjin93 - 24/11/2009 00:07 - United States

Today, I received two letters, one from my mom, other from my dad, about how much they missed me with me not being around them. I called my mom, feeling sad. She didn't sound sad at all. She asked me which letter was better. My parents were competing each other which letter would be more moving. FML

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By shutupandsmile18 - 18/4/2009 02:32 - United States

Today, I was petting my cat when my new mood ring turned bright purple. I checked the piece of paper that came with the ring and saw that purple meant I was feeling "hot, sexy, and passionate." According to my ring, I'm hot for my cat. FML

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By krabby patty - 25/5/2018 06:00

Today, my husband and I mutually discovered that we are both infected with pubic lice. How? I found his and he found mine while we were in the middle of 69-ing each other. So, so gross. FML

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By holla1787 - 4/12/2009 03:11 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Her birthday is tomorrow so she sent her new boyfriend to pick up her birthday present. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2011 09:03 - United States

Today, my best friend threw my football over a wall, so we hopped over to go and get it. Next thing we know, we're both surrounded by men pointing guns in our faces. FML

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By Willow - 17/6/2011 23:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me why he stood me up last night instead of coming over to visit. Apparently me telling him I couldn't wait for him to do naughty things to me turned him off, and made him feel like a piece of meat. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2020 17:00

Sensitive

Today, my mom had to go off on my grandmother because I don’t have kids yet and she, "wants great grand babies before she dies." My grandmother was going to gift me a baby outfit for me to get another hint. I’m 25 and can’t conceive because of health issues. I may never have my own kids. She knows. FML

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By trolls have hit the gutters - 17/2/2015 18:23 - United Kingdom - Durham

Today, a homeless guy told me I looked like shit and to have some self-respect. Right. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2016 18:55 - United States

Today, I overheard my mother-in-law and sister-in-law over the baby monitor. They were talking about how much better off my daughter would be if I were to die. FML

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By Great - 29/5/2015 12:13 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was on the train going to work when my travel tea cup began spilling inside my purse, which was on my lap. It went all over my skirt, pooled at the bottom of my feet, and, yes, everyone notice that it happened to be piss-colored yellow. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2010 14:35 - Taiwan

Today, I went to pick up my daughter from preschool. When I got there, I ran to give her a hug. She screamed and ran away. FML

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By Noname - 20/2/2009 00:17 - United States

Today, in class my friend played a joke on me by pulling my seat from under me while i was about to sit. I fell and everybody laughed at me. During the next class, I did the same thing to him. He broke his arm. He was the star of the basketball team. Nobody laughed. FML

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By squirrel - 9/1/2010 05:01 - United States

Today, I was wearing a shirt that had a picture of a squirrel and acorns with a caption reading "Protect Your Nuts". My dad walked up to me, read my shirt, then punched me in the balls. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2013 07:40 - United States

Today, I found out through one of my friends that my boyfriend cheated on me. He says it doesn't count as cheating because he couldn't get it up. FML

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By livingonmyownfromnowon - 13/9/2016 06:38 - United States - Olivehurst

Today, after evicting my roommate for excessively not abiding by the lease agreements, he thought he could get back at me by sending me a video of my sister giving him head. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2009 21:47 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years, who is a fabulous guitarist and singer, told me he wrote me a song. I was so excited. Turns out it was a break up song. FML

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By cagel - 13/12/2009 10:12 - United States

Today, I got an e-mail from my University saying I may have violated the Student Code of Conduct for being drunk in public at a football game, and now I have to go in to defend myself against charges. My lungs filled with fluid at the game, causing me to throw up. I had to be taken away in an ambulance. FML

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By RubyRed213 - 30/5/2018 05:00

Today, I found out that my parents are extremely active swingers by finding their online profile with photos of my mom with a dildo. I guess those out-of-town trips weren't just holidays. FML

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By anonymous - 2/11/2014 09:09 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my daughter admitted to me that the only reason she's nice to me is because I give her money. She's six. FML

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By .... - 31/12/2010 06:23 - Canada

Today, I tripped over a ice block frozen to the ground and hit my knee hard on another. I had trouble getting up, so I asked my dad if he could give me a hand. He started clapping and walked away. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2016 14:03 - United States - Salem

Today, I had my first real break from work in ages, so I decided to go hiking. Less than 20 minutes in, I tumbled a couple hundred feet down a steep hill, broke my leg and several toes, and lay there in agony for an eternity before I was finally rescued. FML

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Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By MySistersDogisStupid - 13/1/2017 22:00

Today, I took mine and my sister's dog for a walk in the park near my house. The dog managed to find a large piece of rotting, frozen meat buried in the snow and tried to eat it. I had to pry it from his mouth and can't get the smell out of my gloves and coat. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2011 05:54 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend is cheating on me with a woman twice my age. I'm 32. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2016 14:26 - Italy - Bologna

Today, my dog apparently vomited straight down a heating vent while I was out. The stench was so bad that when I got home and the smell hit me, I threw up too. Looks like I'll be spending a few days with my mother as the house airs out. FML

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Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By Whoops - 3/9/2009 20:28 - United States

Today, I discovered the guy that sits next to me in class is actually a girl. Not only is that bad, but we had to write a paper about each other. I used the words "him" and "he", and read it to the whole class. FML

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Top comments

By estroyer9 | 14

#6426004 - Saturday 3 October 2015 15:45

Go next to the sink where you work at and when the inspector comes by be like, FUCK I just dropped my name tag into the sink! Works everytime.

By MrSassypants | 32

#6426042 - Saturday 3 October 2015 17:14

Wait until he goes into the bathroom stall and then go into the one next to him. "FUCK! I dropped my hat.

COMMENTS

By guss5441 | 18

#6425999 - Saturday 3 October 2015 15:40

At least you didn't forge your name

TheTardis123 | 11

#6426101 - Saturday 3 October 2015 19:34

... Tag, oh wait

By xJonellos | 23

#6426002 - Saturday 3 October 2015 15:43

Hope you didn't get fired!

By estroyer9 | 14

#6426004 - Saturday 3 October 2015 15:45

Go next to the sink where you work at and when the inspector comes by be like, FUCK I just dropped my name tag into the sink! Works everytime.

teentee401 | 36

#6426016 - Saturday 3 October 2015 16:05

What about the hat?

MrSassypants | 32

#6426042 - Saturday 3 October 2015 17:14

Wait until he goes into the bathroom stall and then go into the one next to him. "FUCK! I dropped my hat.

Paws_Cat | 29

#6426291 - Sunday 4 October 2015 0:27

It blew off when he got out of his car or off the bus.

By luckypants | 17

#6426005 - Saturday 3 October 2015 15:45

That's when you scavenge for an extra that may be laying around in the back somewhere...

By cleydc | 9

#6426009 - Saturday 3 October 2015 15:50

Sorry OP, hopefully he won't be so "hatful!" Haha I'm sorry

ilovesoccer1610 | 31

#6426031 - Saturday 3 October 2015 16:43

You should be

cleydc | 9

#6426077 - Saturday 3 October 2015 18:47

Haha cmon this many dislikes

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6426090 - Saturday 3 October 2015 19:21

I disliked it because my eyes skipped over the "work hat" part when I was reading. "This FML isn't even about a hat!" I thought to myself.

By dyoy_87 | 21

#6426011 - Saturday 3 October 2015 15:53

Just headbutt him

By cooltatgar | 30

#6426012 - Saturday 3 October 2015 15:53

"My dog ate my name tag, and later defected on my work hat"

By wickedhyype | 17

#6426014 - Saturday 3 October 2015 15:59

"Well, what had happened was"

By Miss_Chevious | 37

#6426015 - Saturday 3 October 2015 16:00

Don't you know Murphy's law? Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

By MELKOZAR | 27

#6426022 - Saturday 3 October 2015 16:23

At least he wouldn't know your name!!