Work: Today, I was running late for work. I forgot my name tag and...

By illuminatzi - United States - Temple

Today, I was running late for work. I forgot my name tag and work hat at home, but my boss is pretty laid back, so I wasn't worried about it. Five minutes into my shift, the district supervisor walked in for a surprise employee inspection. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24359

You deserved it

5982

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Work

The smell detective is on the case

Keep your enemies closer

Tasty

By AntiBobTheBuilder - United States

Today, I had to explain to my one person on my staff why having kids aged 6 to 9 hammering in screws with the butt end of a screwdriver is neither safe, nor a good idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25353

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3012

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By zackeryburch - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was at Basic Training for the Army when I got a package in the mail from my friends back home. You are required to open your packages in front of your drill sergeants and peers at Basic. When I opened it, it was a dildo. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66358

You deserved it

6520

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By holymoly - Canada - Calgary

Today, my grandparents took me out for dinner for my birthday. After singing, "Happy birthday dear..." they froze. I had to say my own name because they'd forgotten it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29380

You deserved it

1966

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By Anonymous - 7/7/2020 02:02

I need it

Today, I wore crotchless panties to bed and my boyfriend didn't notice. It's been 10 months since we've had sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1876

You deserved it

332

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my friends house celebrating his 16th birthday. I couldn't find my phone so I asked my friend's girl if I could borrow her phone to see if I could hear mine ringing. I dial my number and look down to find she has my number is saved in her phone as ASS FACE #3. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68708

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10477

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By Yudith

Potholes

Today, I ran to catch the night bus which passes every hour, when it unexpectedly passed its stop and turned right. I ran faster, only to trip on a roadwork sign and scrape both knees on the half-rebuilt road, ruining my new yoga pants in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1322

You deserved it

276

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By suzanneallen - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were fooling around in his car when things got hot and heavy and we decided to climb in the back. After we finished we started to put our clothes back just as a someone's brights flooded into the car. It was a cop, and he had been there the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15088

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40837

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By pacelily - United States - San Marcos

Today, I met my new upstairs neighbors and their 4 kids all under the age of 6. I met them due to all the thudding upstairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11838

You deserved it

876

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I was hiding Easter eggs around the house when my 7-year-old triplets woke up from their nap and saw me. They quickly realized that I am the Easter Bunny, and then they guessed that I am Santa. Now I have 3 crying second graders. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23074

You deserved it

4223

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By SadAndCold - 11/10/2020 07:01 - United Kingdom - London

Pull your shit together, Bezos

Today, my Amazon delivery was delayed. I just moved to a new place and that delivery had my pillow and blanket. I can't go buy them in person since I'm self-isolating and the heating isn't working either. Guess I'm sleeping in the freezing cold on the bare mattress one more night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1089

You deserved it

220

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By wow babe - United States - Arnold

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. He definitely killed the mood when, while down there, he started saying, "Nomnomnomnom." FML

I agree, your life sucks

38890

You deserved it

5562

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was wanking and started thinking about why the Simpsons are yellow, and how that came to be. I haven't been laid in 4 years and my ADD is so crippling that I can't jack off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34983

You deserved it

6289

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By penisgrabber - United States

Today, I came to the realization I make a living trimming the hair off dogs' privates. I've touched more dog penises than I have human ones, and sometimes the dogs get "excited" while I'm working. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36316

You deserved it

7031

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By sickofthisshit - United States - Oceanside

Today, I nearly got written up for "publicly humiliating" a coworker. All because I left a note in the restroom asking whoever keeps peeing all over the floor to please be considerate of other people. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14125

You deserved it

1011

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By Anonymous

Today, I was sick, and decided to work from home. After coding for a few hours, I took a break, and being home alone, I watched porn. A few minutes later, I received messages from my colleagues telling me to shut it down. I had forgotten I was working on teamviewer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2024

You deserved it

6883

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By Franklin - United States - Fairbanks

Keeping it in the family!

Today, we got the results of our family's ancestry DNA tests. My father isn't related to me, but my grandfather is still my grandfather. Apparently grandma cheated on grandpa to get 'dad', and my mother cheated on 'dad' with my 'uncle' to get me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6145

You deserved it

280

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By why mom

Today, my straight, white, Christian stepmother greeted my black friend with, "Hey my n****a!" He hasn't talked to me since. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17321

You deserved it

1360

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By Hugh_Jankles - United States

Today, I had the sudden urge to sneeze as I was wiping my ass. Out of instinct, I used my hand to cover my mouth. I never let go of the toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29177

You deserved it

37178

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By helpless_soul - United States

Today, while standing in line at the video store, I happen to notice a very hot young girl on the TV screen, and mentioned to my friend that I'd "hit that." I was immediately punched by the girl in front of me. Seems the hot girl on TV was her on a security monitor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13005

You deserved it

50366

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By 1234 - United States - Lutz

Today, when I turned on the TV, there was a picture of a wanted murderer. The picture looked just like my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30287

You deserved it

2747

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was at church singing and my solo came up. As I walked through the crowd, this big woman caught the holy spirit and slapped the crap out of me. It was so hard, my fake tooth came out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14182

You deserved it

1415

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By Ghettogirl4life - United States

Today, I moved into my new apartment. My neighbor is apparently crazy and thinks I'm trying to 'steal' her husband. She watches me and is super paranoid. I have a two year lease. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33933

You deserved it

3155

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By haters

Today, while in a meeting for work, my boss expressed how much he likes everyone at our site. But before continuing, he looked at me and said, “Everyone but you, that is.” FML

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1689

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236

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By hatetheroommate - United States

Today, I called the campus police "anonymously" while my roommate was away and told them about her weed stash because I was tired of her smoking in our room all the time. She had brought her weed to a friend's and got off scot-free. I have a hearing Monday for the adderall they found in my desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27695

You deserved it

129645

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By Ohfknhell

It's a sign...

Today, I received a package from Amazon that was supposed to contain the book I needed for my open book final exam tonight. They must have mixed up my order, because the box contained a large pink dildo. I think the universe just told me to get fucked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4546

You deserved it

735

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband ate several slices of pizza and one whole ghost pepper. He then threw up all over the living room, hallway, and pile of dirty clothes in the bathroom before going directly to bed. I had to clean it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3873

You deserved it

414

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By marriedbutlonely - United States - Federal Way

Today, after having my husband ask if I 'had any plans' for the weekend, and him mentioning that he got me something special, he played his PS4 for hours, ignored me, then finally took a break to hand me a tiny box of chocolates. I can't even be mad because he looked so proud. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23906

You deserved it

3118

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By cchandler - United States

Today, I received a phone call from the number of a "single" guy I met online. It was his wife, who is three months pregnant. She threatened to kick my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36231

You deserved it

8015

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By no one - United States

You've got a friend

Today, I woke up to a mosquito feeding on my morning wood; probably the only thing that will ever suck my penis. FML

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65509

You deserved it

11368

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, in the bathroom during the ACTs, my hair got stuck in the electric hand dryer. I had to rip my hair out. For future reference, hair + hand dryer = dreadlocks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38098

You deserved it

12614

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By It was the 11 year old - United States - Austin

Today, I overheard my 11-year-old son giving my 8-year-old daughter the sex talk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29816

You deserved it

5000

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By DeathPopStar666

Today, my grandma calls me, accusing me of theft. I was home all day and watching Orange Is The New Black. When I asked what I stole, she said her car keys. I don’t even have my license. I told her to look in her purse. She found them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1638

You deserved it

109

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By mehdi

Today, I woke up and switched on the TV. The first thing I saw was a picture of a wanted rapist, who looks just like me. I'm afraid to leave home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

326121

Phew, glad it wasn't me

33646

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By scoobses - United States

Today, my pain-in-the-ass co-worker is finally leaving. Unfortunately, I was chosen to do the bulk of her job. She has given me no training and on her last day, just smirked at me on her way out and say, "Enjoy doing my job too, fucker". I don't get paid enough for this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24749

You deserved it

1875

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By Anonymous - South Africa

Today, my husband and I told my parents that I finally managed to conceive. My mom burst into tears of joy and said how great it was that she's finally going to be a "real" grandma, all within earshot of our adopted and now-devastated daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39740

You deserved it

2144

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By Not So Smart - Canada

Today, I went to the mall. While shopping in a store, a woman bumped into me numerous times. Getting annoyed, I turned to her and loudly exclaimed, "Are you blind?!" Turns out she was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12543

You deserved it

47903

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By lonely - United States

Today, my dad brought me home after I was in the hospital for a week. He gets me to my room, hands me a glass of water and some granola bars, then leaves me on my own so he can go play golf. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30658

You deserved it

4035

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By canispankthat - United States

Today, I caught my husband modeling my cute floral panties. All he could manage to say was "I love you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32570

You deserved it

4832

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By fmylife. - Canada

Today, while I was out of the house, my 6 year old brother stole my new waterproof camera, dunked it into the toilet holding onto the wrist strap, and flushed repeatedly to see if it lived up to its "waterproof promise." It didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30439

You deserved it

3728

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By Gordon - United States

Today, I was standing by the bed naked, waiting for my wife to come out of the bathroom. She opens the door and walks over to me, swinging her hips, wearing pratically nothing. About four feet from me, she trips on the edge of the floor mat, and uses my 'junk' to catch herself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

82446

You deserved it

6735

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Top comments

By estroyer9 | 14

#6426004 - Saturday 3 October 2015 15:45

Go next to the sink where you work at and when the inspector comes by be like, FUCK I just dropped my name tag into the sink! Works everytime.

By MrSassypants | 32

#6426042 - Saturday 3 October 2015 17:14

Wait until he goes into the bathroom stall and then go into the one next to him. "FUCK! I dropped my hat.

COMMENTS

By guss5441 | 18

#6425999 - Saturday 3 October 2015 15:40

At least you didn't forge your name

TheTardis123 | 11

#6426101 - Saturday 3 October 2015 19:34

... Tag, oh wait

By xJonellos | 23

#6426002 - Saturday 3 October 2015 15:43

Hope you didn't get fired!

By estroyer9 | 14

#6426004 - Saturday 3 October 2015 15:45

Go next to the sink where you work at and when the inspector comes by be like, FUCK I just dropped my name tag into the sink! Works everytime.

teentee401 | 36

#6426016 - Saturday 3 October 2015 16:05

What about the hat?

MrSassypants | 32

#6426042 - Saturday 3 October 2015 17:14

Wait until he goes into the bathroom stall and then go into the one next to him. "FUCK! I dropped my hat.

Paws_Cat | 29

#6426291 - Sunday 4 October 2015 0:27

It blew off when he got out of his car or off the bus.

By luckypants | 17

#6426005 - Saturday 3 October 2015 15:45

That's when you scavenge for an extra that may be laying around in the back somewhere...

By cleydc | 9

#6426009 - Saturday 3 October 2015 15:50

Sorry OP, hopefully he won't be so "hatful!" Haha I'm sorry

ilovesoccer1610 | 31

#6426031 - Saturday 3 October 2015 16:43

You should be

cleydc | 9

#6426077 - Saturday 3 October 2015 18:47

Haha cmon this many dislikes

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6426090 - Saturday 3 October 2015 19:21

I disliked it because my eyes skipped over the "work hat" part when I was reading. "This FML isn't even about a hat!" I thought to myself.

By dyoy_87 | 21

#6426011 - Saturday 3 October 2015 15:53

Just headbutt him

By cooltatgar | 30

#6426012 - Saturday 3 October 2015 15:53

"My dog ate my name tag, and later defected on my work hat"

By wickedhyype | 17

#6426014 - Saturday 3 October 2015 15:59

"Well, what had happened was"

By Miss_Chevious | 37

#6426015 - Saturday 3 October 2015 16:00

Don't you know Murphy's law? Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

By MELKOZAR | 27

#6426022 - Saturday 3 October 2015 16:23

At least he wouldn't know your name!!