Animals: Today, I was having a horrible day. I was laying on the couch,... - FML

By BadBreath - United States

Today, I was having a horrible day. I was laying on the couch, crying, when my dog came up on the couch to console me. I was thinking about how great it was to have a dog, because they're there for you when no one else is. As I was sobbing, I heard something. My dog farted into my mouth. Twice. FML

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Understanding

Where are you?

Persona non grata

By thunder thighs - United States

Today, my boyfriend was tapping on my thigh to the beat of the music when we were driving to dinner. When I asked him what he was doing he replied, "Just watching the ripples." FML

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By 50love - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. After he did, he walked over to his friends. I saw him tell them that he broke up with me. After he finished all of them cheered. FML

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By anxious spaghetti

Today, I got dumped by my boyfriend over text. We wore each others' hats, so I gave his back and asked for mine. He “accidentally” burned it. FML

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By faeliality - United States

Today, I discovered that yes, you CAN forget how to ride a bike. Too bad I discovered this in front of all my son's friends and their parents while at his birthday party. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Edinburg

Today, my girlfriend and I hosted a family game night with her grandparents and her father, who was bringing his "friend" who he'd been dating for a couple of weeks. It was my mom. FML

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By Anonymous

Free Playboy for the guy that can't even use it. Oh, cruel fate.

Today, I received a Playboy magazine that I never ordered, and now my husband won't stop laughing at me or calling me a closet heterosexual. FML

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By wow - United States

Today, I was getting my picture taken. The woman taking it told me to smile, so I did, showing my teeth. She said, "Please, be serious about this." Slightly offended, I smiled with my mouth closed. She then said, "If you can't be serious, we won't do this." FML

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By Muralove - United States - Matawan

Today, my friends told me they will be unable to attend my birthday party on Friday because they'll be watching the Vampire Diaries finale. FML

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By ~JESSICA~ - United States

Today, I woke up late to an urgent voicemail from my dad telling me he left me a present in my car. Excited, I went to investigate. I then saw that his "surprise" was fresh fish he had caught. I hate fish, and now my car stinks. FML

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By Kiki - United Kingdom - London

Today, I found out that my brother buys audiobooks only to play them on "mute" so that he can tell everyone that he read them later and flaunt the proof. The rest of my family think he is a genius for reading War and Peace in two days and won't listen to me. FML

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By bastardchild_01 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, after much reluctance due to fear of causing a huge debate, I finally posted something on Facebook about the presidential debates. However, the post sparked an argument with my mom's childhood best friend, that ended with her telling me that my dad isn't actually my dad. FML

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By Braced - United States

Today, my dad and I were shovelling snow off the roof. I told him I was going to jump off the roof. He told me to go ahead, so I did. He failed to tell me that the snow was packed and wouldn't break my fall. I now have an injured back. He didn't tell me because he didn't think I would actually do it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Boise

Today, I lost a bet with my friends. I had to go to the super market and buy a copy of 50 Shades of Grey along with a cucumber. The cashier was trying so hard not to laugh while ringing me up. FML

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By iJuli - United States - Billings

Today, my boyfriend thought it'd be a good idea to break up with me in his car. I had to walk home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my daughter was charged with multiple counts of vandalism and trespassing. It seems she's been sneaking out in the middle of the night, stealing and breaking our neighbors' lawn ornaments. Specifically garden gnomes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while bringing boxes up from the basement, I noticed a few spider egg sacs had stuck to my shirt. As I desperately tried to remove them, they hatched. FML

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By redriver - United States

Today, exactly 28 days after I started my last period, I started a new period. This would be perfectly healthy and normal except that my last period was 24 days long. This has happened every month this year. FML

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By Shavaughn Riley - 31/10/2020 23:03 - New Zealand - Kawerau

Being a parent 101

Today, my girlfriend and I started to be intimate after a run of dry spells. I was looking forward to this, until one of our kids came barging into our room and ruined the moment for the rest of the night. FML

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By Ethan - United States

Today, I awoke to find a giant turd on my carpet, cat hair everywhere in my room, and a big hole in my window screen. I don't own a cat. FML

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By AsshatUncle - United States - Tampa

Today, I bought lunch for my grandparents, aunts, and uncles. My uncle apparently felt uncomfortable at the restaurant, because he got up and flipped the table over before leaving. The bill tripled because of the broken glass, and my uncle called me up later for a ride. FML

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By heatherjo - United States

Today, my fiancé decided he wants to buy an engagement ring for his mother, so that she doesn't feel left out. FML

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By McFired - United States

Today, I got fired from my job for harassing customers over the weekend. I didn't work over the weekend. I left my nametag there on Friday and my co-workers thought it would be funny to wear my nametag all weekend. One of them got into a fight with a customer and they took her 'name' down. FML

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#LurkerForLife

Today, I realized that my social life is so dead the only thing I do that involves other people is read FML. I don't even participate in the comments. FML

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By Checkless chick - United States

Today, I decided I would try this feature on my banking app which lets me deposit checks by sending a picture of it. The instructions say to rip the check after depositing. The deposit didn't work and now I've got a ripped up paycheck. FML

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By emix - United States

Today, I was dropping my new boyfriend off at his house. I had never been there before, so he was giving me directions as I drove. We passed a small trailer home on the right. I commented without thinking, "I'm so glad I don't live in a house like that." My boyfriend told me to turn right. FML

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By Armstrong - United States - Brownsville

Today, I found out that the only reason my parents have been letting me hang out with my friends so late is so they can search my room for drugs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fort Worth

Threat Neutralized

Today, I farted so loudly in my sleep that it woke myself, my husband, and our cat. The cat let me know he was startled by clawing and biting the perceived threat, my bum. FML

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By caltech - United States - San Jose

Today, I applied for a job as a secretary. As I sat in the waiting room, the interviewer came out with his wife. She gave me a once-over, then said to her husband, "Hire this one. She's so ugly, you would never have an affair with her." FML

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By feartheend511 - United States

Today, while my friends were over, my mom took too many of her pills and walked around the house nude. She then bit me. FML

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By melimelo24 - Australia - Clayton

Today, I watched my daughter squealing with delight in front of a video game. Beating a boss? Slaying an adversary? Completing a quest? Not at all. She was chasing birds, making them fly away, then starting all over again as soon as they landed. She's 19. FML

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By BadassNinja - United States

Today, I tried to impress my girlfriend by punching through a piece of old drywall karate kid-style. As it turns out, the drywall was actually a thin piece of concrete. I now have a busted hand and a girlfriend with a new story to tell all her friends. FML

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By pepsifoot - United States

Today, I got hurt and spent the remainder of the day limping. I wish I could say it was from something badass like roller derby, but I can't. A woman with a rolling cart filled with packs of Pepsi rolled over my foot on the bus. FML

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By slayerdeath - United States - Valparaiso

Today, my girlfriend went in for a kiss too fast and broke my front tooth. FML

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By AkaiKitsune

Today, a customer passed out in the bathroom, so we didn't realize he was there until after closing. I don't know what he'd shot up, but whatever it was told him he should run around naked. It's been two hours and the cops still haven't shown up. I can't leave until he does. FML

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By cuntsmom - United States

Today, my niece, who is fifteen, convinced my six-year-old daughter that her name is spelled C-U-N-T, and just pronounced as Catherine. FML

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By Sarah_Mow

Today, I was changing my tampon in a public bathroom. As I was about to put the tampon into the sanitary bin, I dropped it and it rolled under the stall next to mine. It was occupied. FML

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By Iceicebaby - United Kingdom - London

Today, after getting out the car and closing the door, I began walking and slipped on some black ice. In the moment of panic, I grabbed onto my car wing mirror. Luckily, I didn't hit the deck. Unluckily, the wing mirror broke off. FML

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By randomnamehere - United States

Today, my brother decided it would be funny to squirt disappearing ink on my wedding dress right before I walked down the aisle. It didn't disappear. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tulsa

Today, my cat attempted to make up for my insomnia with a dead mouse. I have no idea where he got it. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted to take a break. At least she gave me a parting gift. Lice. FML

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Top comments

By Jaxro | 6

#95688 - Thursday 9 April 2009 12:13

And why was your dog's ass in your face? You would think it would be facing you, maybe licking your face.

By Kimienxtc | 0

#95687 - Thursday 9 April 2009 12:13

Awww Your dog loves you! :)

COMMENTS

By Kimienxtc | 0

#95687 - Thursday 9 April 2009 12:13

Awww Your dog loves you! :)

Reply

josiej0j0 | 0

#2171216 - Friday 11 March 2011 4:32

why was the dog's butt in your mouth???

Reply

squishy01 | 0

#2408243 - Tuesday 26 April 2011 7:58

And that is why I own a cat.

By Jaxro | 6

#95688 - Thursday 9 April 2009 12:13

And why was your dog's ass in your face? You would think it would be facing you, maybe licking your face.

Reply

chrisbom5 | 0

#981768 - Monday 19 April 2010 13:12

maybe she was licking the dogs ass for comfort.

Reply

GrammarFailure | 0

#996144 - Monday 17 May 2010 15:15

Lol'd. Hard.

Reply

evebright | 5

#3455538 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 14:49

Ditto

By lolfahnny | 0

#95690 - Thursday 9 April 2009 12:14

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWN_AL9vrbc

Smelling a fart is bad. Tasting and breathing it is a whole 'nother level of disgusting.

By Jimboom | 11

#95702 - Thursday 9 April 2009 12:23

Lol. Your dog is awesome!

But yea, why was his ass right in your face?

At least your not feeling sorry for yourself any more.

By amy397123 | 0

#95715 - Thursday 9 April 2009 12:32

I'm sorry that you had a horrible day but this is one of the funniest FML's I have ever read.
I loled so hard.

By hk_fml | 9

#95752 - Thursday 9 April 2009 13:04

lmao
xD That sucks, I hope your day got better from that point

By tolduso | 0

#95754 - Thursday 9 April 2009 13:05

your dog's ass was in your face
wtf?

By tipple | 0

#95767 - Thursday 9 April 2009 13:22

I hope you kept you teeth closed just in case there were any lumps...

By Emmett_Luver_101 | 0

#95771 - Thursday 9 April 2009 13:29

*gags @ 11* this is funny but i have one intelligent thing to say
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW E=Mc2

By shani__ | 0

#95780 - Thursday 9 April 2009 13:40

#12 - wtf? E=Mc2? what has that got to do with a dog's farts?
#11 - LOL
#10 - I agree!

OP - What WAS your mouth doing on your dog's ass? That's almost as bad has hammylove's. (anyone notice their name is BadBreath, haha!)

http://www.fmylife.com/sex/878433

Reply

azhein | 0

#985026 - Monday 26 April 2010 5:59

I don't think her mouth was literally on the dogs ass just that it farted right in her face