Today, I spotted one of my friends using the ATM outside our... - FML

By Anonymous - 23/4/2009 02:22 - United States

Today, I spotted one of my friends using the ATM outside our school's university center. I crept up behind him, grabbed his shoulders abruptly, and shouted in my best deep man-voice, "Give me all your money!" Turned out to be a poor, unsuspecting freshman. He gave me his money. FML

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Does it taste good?

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

British Broadcasting Corporation

By Anonymous - 4/10/2018 03:00

Today, I found out why my husband is suddenly uninterested in sex. Apparently one of the secretaries at work has finally turned 18, and it's pretty much an open secret among his coworkers that they fuck anywhere from 2 to 5 times a day. FML

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By KC - 17/2/2009 23:44 - United States

Today, the priest was handing out red roses after church. The woman ahead of me asked for a rose. The priest said, "Sorry, we are only giving them out to single women since they didn't get any for Valentine's Day." Then he hands one to me. This was the first time I have been to that church. FML

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By an idiot - 16/2/2013 18:03 - Australia

Today, my brother was arrested for starting a fistfight at a funeral. He didn't even know the deceased; he's just been crashing funerals recently, hoping to hook up with mourners. I'm not sure who's more pathetic: him for doing such a thing, or me for bailing his fucking dumb arse out of jail. FML

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By notapervert - 28/2/2013 07:57 - United States - Santa Rosa

Today, I managed to score a date for the first time in over a year, and was very nervous. When I was asked what I do for a living, I laughed nervously, and then blurted out, "Finger women." What I was trying to jokingly say was that I'm a gynecologist. FML

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By Sam - 10/10/2017 16:00

Today, I went to my first ultrasound appointment. The daughter I was hoping for is actually going to be boy triplets. FML

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By joy - 7/2/2012 17:49 - United States

Today, while I was going to the bathroom, my engagement ring fell off into the toilet, which then automatically flushed. FML

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By NonBelieber - 18/9/2013 04:22 - United States - Bessemer

Today, just like the last several days, I walked out to my car after class only to notice the Justin Beiber stickers arranged on my bumper and license plates. My dad put them there, and thinks it's just as hilarious as the first time. He has four packs of stickers left. FML

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By bee - 23/12/2009 15:39 - United States

Today, I got my report card from school. I pulled my grade up in Algebra from a D to an A. My parents told me that they never expected me to accomplish this, and good job but they've already enrolled me in boarding school. So much for all that extra credit and staying late after school to study. FML

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By justcomesnaturally - 4/11/2012 00:37 - United States - Danby

Today, I realized that I'm a terrible human being. For the first time in my life, I gave some change to a homeless guy, but only so he'd get out of my face long enough for me to watch two other bums beating the crap out of each other over a sandwich. FML

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By Eimii - 6/10/2009 00:41 - United States

Today, my 70 year old coworker gave me a letter telling me he was attracted to me, and wishes to have a relationship in which he can 'hold me in his arms every night'. I'm 21. FML

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By PPP - 14/11/2014 03:39 - United States - Elk Grove Village

Today, I found out that my mom is doing a study and is keeping used pads in the freezer. FML

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By PeepShow - 6/8/2009 06:04 - United States

Today, it was just too hot. I stripped down and, being home alone, pranced around nude, lip synching and playing air guitar to some music. I was getting really into when I opened my eyes and looked out the window to see an old man with binoculars on his terrace. He wasn't birdwatching. FML

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By simon - 23/7/2009 22:09 - Canada

Today, I moved into university residence, looking forward to finally being able to come out of the closet. I started chatting with the hot guy moving in next door to me. He said I was cool, and he was glad because he was afraid he'd be living next to a gay guy. FML

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By Murphy's law - 13/10/2018 13:30

Today, I was working on my laptop when the screen suddenly turned red. I was shocked since it's not that old, but my insurance just expired. On my way to the service I was thinking, "At least my car works!" Well... A few hours later, my car broke. FML

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By Dezzy - 3/11/2014 19:06 - United States - Springfield

Today, I decided to give my boyfriend a surprise striptease. After I turned around, I heard him murmur "Oh, wow." I turned back around, only to find him watching a gif of a cat falling into snow in slow motion. FML

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By Hairy_Potter - 23/1/2014 17:13 - Brazil - S?o Paulo

Today, I had to accept the fact that I'm going bald, after I noticed the hair on my chest is longer than the hair on my head. FML

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By badhabit - 31/5/2019 22:00

Today, I went out with my ex-girlfriend, with whom I have a good friendship with and am in fact still in love. I picked her up at her house and we had a perfect night together that ended with sex in my car. As I dropped her off, she turned to me and said, "I hope you know we're just friends." FML

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By sadinmass - 13/11/2010 13:24 - United States

Today, it was my 21st birthday. I had a simple party with my boyfriend, with just a cake and a bottle of red wine. My boyfriend managed to get so drunk that he danced naked for 10 minutes, then told me I'm hideously obese but that he loves me anyway. FML

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By Sabraynay - 28/9/2011 06:47

Today, my mom instructed me to never scream when being attacked by a rapist. Apparently it would only anger him, causing him to chop my boobs off and superglue my eyes shut. FML

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By Mash-brakketz - 25/10/2017 22:26

Goodbye, 7 years of sobriety...

Today a gasoline canister leaked in our work garage and filled my office with fumes. It got me high and nauseous even though I went out for air constantly. I had a meltdown and was sent home. I'm still high. FML

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By heyhijello - 9/9/2013 22:05 - United States - Oakland

Today, at my boyfriend's brother's house, I desperately needed to poop. After finishing my business, I realized the toilet wouldn't flush. I had to pull my poop out, wrap it in TP and make an excuse to go outside to throw it in a bush. The neighbor was watching. FML

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By GOLLUM! - 18/5/2017 00:00

Today, after being without my car keys for two days, I finally got a locksmith to unlock my car on the off chance I'd left my keys in there. $170 later, the car was open, but I didn't find my keys. Frustrated, I threw the paperwork in the garbage... where I spotted my keys. FML

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By HatedGrandson - 7/1/2013 00:50 - United States

Today, I visited my grandparents' house. While getting a drink from the fridge, I noticed the Christmas card my family sent them had my face scratched out. When I confronted them about it, they said it was the cat. They don't have a cat. FML

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By lonely - 15/9/2019 04:05 - Canada - Granby

Saturday Night Fever-ish

Today, I invited a bunch of friends over to hang out and watch a movie. It's been two hours since everyone was supposed to turn up, and no one has showed. Thanks, friends. FML

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By shugberry - 1/9/2019 12:01 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I took my mum on the London Underground. We were standing on the platform, when she suddenly bought up a load of phlegm in her mouth. Instead of trying to find a bin, she just full on spat out the biggest green pile on the floor next to people. FML

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By MandyPanda - 25/5/2009 14:24 - United States

Today, I went to a theme party where everyone wore white shirts and brought markers to draw on them. I didn't know many people there but I still went around drawing on people's shirts. After a few hours, someone finally drew on my shirt. They wrote "I'm scary." FML

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By UghNo - 14/2/2017 06:00 - United States - Clarkston

Today, my first client as a freelancer screamed at me and threw a notebook at my head. I quit my job to become a freelancer because my boss would often scream and throw things at me. FML

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By anonymous - 31/10/2014 04:24 - United States - Rancho Cordova

Today, my ex-girlfriend started dating the guy she told me not to worry about when we dated. FML

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By justhatelife - 9/12/2016 14:49 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my coworker got angry at a mean customer. She came to the back, where I work, and started punching the wall repeatedly. When I tried to intervene and stop her from breaking her hand she punched me in the stomach and uppercut me. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2010 06:12 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend got mugged. I found out because the mugger had the courtesy to ring me, after I texted several times asking where he was, to say "He won't reply. He got robbed." FML

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By Unsanitary - 26/6/2011 10:32 - United Kingdom

Today, my daughter spent three hours crying and having a temper tantrum over being forced to have a bath after four days without one. My daughter is 16. FML

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By randomdude3890 - 11/2/2015 04:58 - United States - Bellevue

Today, my caring way too much about proper grammar got out of hand when I corrected my girlfriend during a talk about her dying grandmother. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2011 04:05 - United States

Today, I had a major falling out with my best friend. Angry, I sent a short text message to him explaining how I felt. I soon noticed I'd accidentally texted "I'm going to fucking kill you, asshole." to my boss instead. I'm still waiting on a reply. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2011 02:38 - United States

Today, while snow plowing I accidentally ran over my kid's basketball. I told him what had happened and he responded by spilling his ant farm into my underwear drawer. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2010 18:21 - United States

Today, I decided to treat my yeast infection over the counter to avoid going to the doctor. Too bad I didn't read the directions. Now I have to go to the doctor to get the tip of the applicator removed. FML

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By mehdi-online - 13/10/2008 08:22

Today, for the first time I sat next to a hot babe. I was feeling nervous, nevertheless, I managed to shyly ask her phone number. It’s only when I arrived back home that I realized there was a digit missing. FML

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By Azure_Mist - 27/1/2011 22:53 - United States

Today, I received a bouquet of flowers from my boyfriend, which is something he's never done before. Unfortunately, this was his way of apologizing for cheating on me. FML

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By CrystalsDontWork - 18/9/2013 06:34 - United States - El Paso

Today, my colleagues and I found out that our boss has been taking business advice from an astrologer as well as a soothsayer. FML

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By Zamaria - 2/10/2009 22:23 - France

Today, I was woken up from a nap by my cat attacking my face. Evidently, my husband thought it would be funny to shine a laser pointer on my cheek. FML

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By anonymous - 19/3/2011 10:32 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that when I orgasm, my increased heart rate causes me to pass out. I also found out my boyfriend doesn't stop when I'm unconscious. FML

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Top comments

By airandfingers | 0

#135806 - Thursday 23 April 2009 9:20

Today, I was withdrawing money from an ATM at my new school, when a guy came up behind me and demanded my money. I gave it to him, thinking he had a weapon. Later, I saw that not only had he posted on fmylife.com, but he said f HIS life! FML

By nlite | 0

#135794 - Thursday 23 April 2009 9:16

you dumbass.

COMMENTS

By nlite | 0

#135794 - Thursday 23 April 2009 9:16

you dumbass.

Reply

garuru | 4

#889523 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 22:20

haha free money

Reply

b182link | 0

#1055181 - Friday 2 July 2010 20:19

haha free cash

Reply

ForTheMotherland | 0

#1056800 - Saturday 3 July 2010 7:07

I only chose "You totally deserve it!" because your life doesn't suck. He gave you all his money. Lucky...

Reply

ladidaday | 0

#1226926 - Thursday 12 August 2010 7:36

since I'm a freshman rite now, I have to say YDI!!! That's like stealing candy from a baby:P

Reply

Bobby64 | 29

#2987178 - Thursday 28 July 2011 16:37

You're a freshman in college and used "rite" where you should have used "right"? 0_o

By Shroomsteroo | 0

#135795 - Thursday 23 April 2009 9:16

hahaha!

Reply

iplaymw2 | 0

#997201 - Wednesday 19 May 2010 5:21

in solviet russia, ze freshman jumps you!

Reply

keetlover | 0

#1244400 - Sunday 15 August 2010 9:05

in soviet Russia, you ze he'll up!

Reply

Mischief109 | 11

#4454783 - Saturday 19 May 2012 5:50

^ what?!?!

Reply

Rowdey | 10

#4456987 - Saturday 19 May 2012 22:32

In Soviet Russia.. I hate you.

By str8upmobbin | 0

#135796 - Thursday 23 April 2009 9:16

good job, i agree with what you did!

By iamjtsocool | 0

#135797 - Thursday 23 April 2009 9:17

Smooth move 007. You should have given it back ya jackass.

By sidekickinit | 0

#135799 - Thursday 23 April 2009 9:18

pretty sure you mean F*** HIS Life....

By DLow0012 | 0

#135801 - Thursday 23 April 2009 9:18

I...don't see what the problem is...?

Reply

blankaex | 0

#907635 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 15:40

op prolly feels bad about taking his money

By AntiChrist7 | 0

#135803 - Thursday 23 April 2009 9:19

you're as funny as a pile of poo.

By airandfingers | 0

#135806 - Thursday 23 April 2009 9:20

Today, I was withdrawing money from an ATM at my new school, when a guy came up behind me and demanded my money. I gave it to him, thinking he had a weapon. Later, I saw that not only had he posted on fmylife.com, but he said f HIS life! FML

Reply

danielr1219 | 0

#1636859 - Monday 1 November 2010 23:21

win^^

Reply

ItsOkayImWhite | 0

#2502257 - Friday 13 May 2011 12:25

hahaha :D!

Reply

hockeylaxforev23 | 4

#3604318 - Saturday 19 November 2011 5:01

FTW!!!!

Reply

ImTheAlpha | 30

#4108269 - Thursday 1 March 2012 1:13

Detecting VERY large quantities of WIN in this post.

Reply

kittykat1501 | 31

#6320759 - Sunday 14 June 2015 23:31

I HATE it when people do this!!!!!

By noha_fml | 0

#135807 - Thursday 23 April 2009 9:21

why on earth is this an FML for you its an FML for the "poor, unsuspecting freshman." i hope you gave his money back lol.

By deplorableworld | 0

#135808 - Thursday 23 April 2009 9:22

I can see why you might say FYL. You'll get what's coming to you now.