Miscellaneous: Today, I spotted one of my friends using the ATM outside our... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spotted one of my friends using the ATM outside our school's university center. I crept up behind him, grabbed his shoulders abruptly, and shouted in my best deep man-voice, "Give me all your money!" Turned out to be a poor, unsuspecting freshman. He gave me his money. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13891

You deserved it

74080

Tweet

Share

Taking stock

Dangling modifier

Live, laugh, love no one

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on when her cat attacked me. I was pissed, so I grabbed the cat and rushed outside to get rid of it. Little did I know, her parents were home, sitting outside. So I was naked, with a feral cat in front of my junk trying to kill me. All I could say was "Nice Weather?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

22742

You deserved it

39599

Tweet

Share

By idiot says pussy - United States

Today, I visited my girlfriend at her place, one thing lead to another, and we had sex for the first time. Her normally very sweet cat now hisses and savages me if I so much as look at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49256

You deserved it

7912

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Shreveport

Today, while at work for a dog groomer, I picked up a new puppy that came in for a groom. I held it up at face level with me, baby talking it, when it promptly began peeing. Luckily, it didn't get on my clothes. Unluckily, it got onto my face and into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5693

You deserved it

1971

Tweet

Share

By Alex Andreas - United States - Edmond

Today, I found out where my sister's pet lizard escaped to. I also found out that the little shit likes to hide in dark, cold places. I discovered this when I heard the bastard squeal as I started the lawnmower. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26626

You deserved it

2429

Tweet

Share

By makeyourselfathome - Australia - Richmond

Today, I got up at 4.30am, like I do every morning, and got ready for work. Just as I was about to walk out the door, my flatmate jumped me and beat the snot out of me thinking I was a burglar. Because apparently burglars shower, make toast and clean up before stealing all your shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44422

You deserved it

3009

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got sick of my flatmate stealing my food so I decided to sabotage a leftover pizza with laxatives. I came back home later in the evening after a night of heavy drinking. Guess what I had to eat in my drunken stupor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17230

You deserved it

36769

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Gainesville

Today, I'm so sick, I'm even sick in my dreams. Orientation for my new job starts tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1413

You deserved it

95

Tweet

Share

By nekal - United States - Nashville

Today, I tried to sneakily leave my boyfriend's house at 3 a.m. without his parents knowing. I had a flat tire. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11865

You deserved it

3613

Tweet

Share

By Riskreh - United States

Today, I had a nervous breakdown. My life has been going down the drain and I called my boyfriend for comfort. I was crying my eyes out, finally getting everything off of my chest that has been bothering me. I thought it was quiet because he was listening closely. I was wrong. He fell asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41170

You deserved it

8811

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was told I look like Susan Boyle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39474

You deserved it

5877

Tweet

Share

By Skankeriffic - United States

Today, I sat in bumper-to-bumper traffic for half an hour. The entire time, a man I had gone on a date with and that had gotten very out of hand with, was sitting in the car next to me. I noticed, panicked, and tried to drive off, rear-ending the car in front of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7195

You deserved it

30593

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I left my empty shower running so I could pretend I didn't still live alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17655

You deserved it

29871

Tweet

Share

By effiestonem154 - United States

Today, the Chinese student I've been teaching English to got on stage in front of hundreds of people to read her final essay. She ended with, "What a fucking day." I don't swear, and I no longer have a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40233

You deserved it

2843

Tweet

Share

By Derek Wheeler - 6/12/2020 08:00 - United States - Longview

The Walking Dead

Today, we overheard a customer in our store talking on the phone about how she'd been exposed to someone positive for COVID-19, and was supposed to be at home in quarantine just in case. The terrifying thing is how many other people come into our store when they shouldn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1029

You deserved it

92

Tweet

Share

By ticked - Pakistan

Today, I was eating a packet of chips while watching TV. I saw a crumb on the table in front of me, so without thinking I picked it up and ate it. It wasn't a crumb. It was a tick. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15525

You deserved it

47882

Tweet

Share

By bieberslayer - United States

Today, in my AP Biology class, a student informed us she'd read that Antarctica had completely melted due to global warming, to which my friend gushed, "Yeah! It's been melted for, like, months." FML

I agree, your life sucks

25767

You deserved it

2193

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It was the first time in four months since our baby was born, that I could really enjoy it. After we finished up we walked into the livingroom, where my white faced brother was sitting. He said we left the baby monitor on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15661

You deserved it

37169

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my 17th birthday. My mom forgot and my best friend is out of town. The highlight of my day? The guy at McDonalds slipped an extra apple pie in my bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41757

You deserved it

3154

Tweet

Share

By RIP - United States

Today, my mom came over to me and whispered something in my ear. I didn't hear it and assumed it was a joke, so I started laughing. Turns out my aunt died. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12373

You deserved it

28323

Tweet

Share

By Hesintrouble - United Kingdom

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend's boss. She was wondering if he was okay, since he hasn't shown up to work for the past two weeks. Now I'm wondering where he's been going when he leaves the house each day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64894

You deserved it

4308

Tweet

Share

By dany - United States - Lancaster

Today, I discovered that when my professor had said "For every A there will be an F," he was deadly serious. I earned a 94% mark, which in this class is known as a D. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29772

You deserved it

2146

Tweet

Share

By blacktyaffair - United States

Today, I discovered that my dog is an aspiring underwear designer, her latest project being creating crotchless underwear. Mine seem to have been used as prototypes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30065

You deserved it

4040

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 4/8/2020 20:01

How's the diet going?

Today, I bought 3 buckets of expensive low-calorie ice cream because it was on sale, only to discover it tastes rather awful. I thought I liked that stuff… Oh, I remember now, I did like it… After mixing it with lots of chocolate spread. FML

I agree, your life sucks

579

You deserved it

1130

Tweet

Share

By bail? - United States - Omaha

Today, my daughter's idea of a prank was taking all of our money and getting herself arrested. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1555

You deserved it

156

Tweet

Share

By coinoperatedgirl - United States

Today, I realized that I will never be able to buy the car I've wanted since middle school. The car? A greyish-silver Volvo, which is the make and color of car Kurt Cobain drove. The reason? I've been informed that it's also the make and color of the car that Edward Cullen drives in Twilight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37628

You deserved it

11089

Tweet

Share

By Tom - United States - Antelope

Today, I went for my usual morning run. Halfway through, I needed to pee, so I found a perfect bush… to walk in on a lady who had also stopped to pee. I was called a pervert. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3419

You deserved it

433

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I was ringing an elderly gentleman up at work. As I went to package up the buns he ordered, he held up a hand and told me to wait. He then looked me in the eyes, started squeezing them, then winked and told me to go ahead. I've never felt so violated. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44235

You deserved it

4456

Tweet

Share

By me - United States

Today, I came home from work to my 3 year old daughter sniffing the rug in the living room. When I asked her what she was doing she said "Daddy smell this." So I went, got on my knees and bent down to smell it and she pushed my face in the dog crap smeared in the rug. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35549

You deserved it

7485

Tweet

Share

By katiebabby - United States

Today, my computer was hit by something bigger than a virus: a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38587

You deserved it

4878

Tweet

Share

By Not turnt - United States - New Hyde Park

Today, I realized the only reason my mom trusts me to stay home alone for long periods of time is because I don't have enough friends to throw a party. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27536

You deserved it

2570

Tweet

Share

By xxlenalunaxx - United States

Today, after waiting for 2 weeks for the right moment to meet my boyfriend's mom, she walked in as I was straddling him, trying to prove that I'd win in a wrestling match. I guess we met, then. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29504

You deserved it

4248

Tweet

Share

By Lyle - 13/12/2020 01:07 - United Kingdom

Fundies say the darndest things

Today, after my father in law upset my 6-year-old son by telling him creating a world in Minecraft is a sin, because only god is allowed to create worlds so all Minecraft players will burn in hell one day, it's been 5 days since he's slept right because he’s scared the Devil will burn him if he falls asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1263

You deserved it

84

Tweet

Share

By Cold - United States - Richmond

Today, my car window got smashed in. The cop that came to take the report said they'd already caught the guy doing it, he'd smashed in several other car windows, all of the exact same model and color. His reason for doing it was simple: he was drunk and "hated red Jeeps". FML

I agree, your life sucks

36328

You deserved it

3812

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Ireland - Cork

Today, I was on a rowing machine at the gym, listening to a podcast. Something funny was said, I laughed, lost my balance and fell off, with my feet still stuck in the footrests. Someone had to come and help me off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20791

You deserved it

5048

Tweet

Share

By Gutted. - United Kingdom

Today, after a hard day's work and emotional argument with my best friend, I sent my boyfriend a text telling him how much I loved him and cherished him in the hopes he would cheer me up with a romantic reply. He said "Sorry, I've only got 8 texts left." FML

I agree, your life sucks

57232

You deserved it

6760

Tweet

Share

By unloved - United Kingdom

Today, my wife changed her name back to her maiden name. Why? So people would stop asking questions about us. We have been married for 15 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32945

You deserved it

2736

Tweet

Share

By dustlander.com - United States - Provo

Today, I was wrapping up a 30+ hour commission when a software bug caused my main layer to delete itself. There doesn't appear to be any way I can restore it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2387

You deserved it

319

Tweet

Share

By mperh - United States

Today, it's memorial day weekend. The cops are all over the place watching for speeders and drunks. Some complete dickhead decided to spray paint "cop killa" on the side of my car. It won't come off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42791

You deserved it

3227

Tweet

Share

By evenmybodyhatesme - United States - San Jose

Today, after spending a day in the ER and a day in hospital, I was recovering from emergency surgery. My boyfriend left to eat and didn't come back. He texted me 4 hours later that he was drinking with his friends and that he loved his "brown eyed girl". My eyes aren't brown. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16386

You deserved it

1239

Tweet

Share

By öKANEö - United States - San Marcos

Today, during class, a student began arguing with my Algebra II teacher about whether or not water is wet. The student became so frustrated he threw a stapler across the room. Guess who got hit in the head and is currently bleeding pints in the nurse's office. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4716

You deserved it

247

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By airandfingers | 0

#135806 - Thursday 23 April 2009 9:20

Today, I was withdrawing money from an ATM at my new school, when a guy came up behind me and demanded my money. I gave it to him, thinking he had a weapon. Later, I saw that not only had he posted on fmylife.com, but he said f HIS life! FML

By nlite | 0

#135794 - Thursday 23 April 2009 9:16

you dumbass.

COMMENTS

By nlite | 0

#135794 - Thursday 23 April 2009 9:16

you dumbass.

Reply

garuru | 4

#889523 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 22:20

haha free money

Reply

b182link | 0

#1055181 - Friday 2 July 2010 20:19

haha free cash

Reply

ForTheMotherland | 0

#1056800 - Saturday 3 July 2010 7:07

I only chose "You totally deserve it!" because your life doesn't suck. He gave you all his money. Lucky...

Reply

ladidaday | 0

#1226926 - Thursday 12 August 2010 7:36

since I'm a freshman rite now, I have to say YDI!!! That's like stealing candy from a baby:P

Reply

Bobby64 | 29

#2987178 - Thursday 28 July 2011 16:37

You're a freshman in college and used "rite" where you should have used "right"? 0_o

By Shroomsteroo | 0

#135795 - Thursday 23 April 2009 9:16

hahaha!

Reply

iplaymw2 | 0

#997201 - Wednesday 19 May 2010 5:21

in solviet russia, ze freshman jumps you!

Reply

keetlover | 0

#1244400 - Sunday 15 August 2010 9:05

in soviet Russia, you ze he'll up!

Reply

Mischief109 | 11

#4454783 - Saturday 19 May 2012 5:50

^ what?!?!

Reply

Rowdey | 10

#4456987 - Saturday 19 May 2012 22:32

In Soviet Russia.. I hate you.

By str8upmobbin | 0

#135796 - Thursday 23 April 2009 9:16

good job, i agree with what you did!

By iamjtsocool | 0

#135797 - Thursday 23 April 2009 9:17

Smooth move 007. You should have given it back ya jackass.

By sidekickinit | 0

#135799 - Thursday 23 April 2009 9:18

pretty sure you mean F*** HIS Life....

By DLow0012 | 0

#135801 - Thursday 23 April 2009 9:18

I...don't see what the problem is...?

Reply

blankaex | 0

#907635 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 15:40

op prolly feels bad about taking his money

By AntiChrist7 | 0

#135803 - Thursday 23 April 2009 9:19

you're as funny as a pile of poo.

By airandfingers | 0

#135806 - Thursday 23 April 2009 9:20

Today, I was withdrawing money from an ATM at my new school, when a guy came up behind me and demanded my money. I gave it to him, thinking he had a weapon. Later, I saw that not only had he posted on fmylife.com, but he said f HIS life! FML

Reply

danielr1219 | 0

#1636859 - Monday 1 November 2010 23:21

win^^

Reply

ItsOkayImWhite | 0

#2502257 - Friday 13 May 2011 12:25

hahaha :D!

Reply

hockeylaxforev23 | 4

#3604318 - Saturday 19 November 2011 5:01

FTW!!!!

Reply

ImTheAlpha | 30

#4108269 - Thursday 1 March 2012 1:13

Detecting VERY large quantities of WIN in this post.

Reply

kittykat1501 | 31

#6320759 - Sunday 14 June 2015 23:31

I HATE it when people do this!!!!!

By noha_fml | 0

#135807 - Thursday 23 April 2009 9:21

why on earth is this an FML for you its an FML for the "poor, unsuspecting freshman." i hope you gave his money back lol.

By deplorableworld | 0

#135808 - Thursday 23 April 2009 9:22

I can see why you might say FYL. You'll get what's coming to you now.