Today, I received the heels I'll be wearing at my best friend's...

By AnnieThrax - 18/9/2012 04:35 - United States - Holdingford

Today, I received the heels I'll be wearing at my best friend's wedding. The bride ordered them for us to match the dresses. They're six-inch platform heels. I have three broken toes and am still wearing a boot. The wedding is next weekend. FML

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Health

Assumptions

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Higher standards

By tannarox - 28/1/2012 15:46 - United States

Today, our rodent problem was taken care of. I discovered this when my cat projectile-vomited a soggy, death-scented wad of dark fur and tiny organs onto the couch. FML

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By humiliated - 20/3/2016 11:54 - United Kingdom - London

Today, at the supermarket, I picked up a pack of toilet rolls, at which point my 5-year-old daughter turned to me and screamed, "A CLEAN BUTTHOLE IS A HAPPY BUTTHOLE!" in front of a dozen other people. I have no idea where she heard that. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2014 20:05 - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I am on vacation in Dubai with my dad and a few of his friends. I thought we were going to travel and see some amazing things, but I'm confined to my hotel room while everyone drinks and watches Family Guy. FML

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By MerryDeathmas - 18/7/2015 04:31 - Canada - Lloydminster

Today, after an argument with my girlfriend, I tried to be dramatic by slamming my car door shut as hard as I could. Something broke and now it won't open. Now I have to climb through the passenger's side just to drive my car to work. FML

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By now sharing the blessing - 21/11/2018 23:00 - United States - New York

Today, while battling a severe flu, I was forced to come to work by my manager. Upon arrival, I discovered that a colleague he likes who should be covering for me is out today. The reason? Her shoes hurt. FML

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By somuchhatesolittleworld - 10/5/2016 02:00 - United States - Houston

Today, I started my first training day using an MRI machine and completely forgot to remove my nipple piercings before I went in. I've never experienced a pain so vile and lingering in my life. FML

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By Donnie - 18/7/2019 06:00

Today, I picked up a prostitute. The prostitute was my sister, and I picked her up from jail. FML

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By anon - 22/2/2009 04:49 - United States

Today, I got fired from a great baby sitting job because the little girl said I was boring. FML

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By daRN - 2/7/2009 19:34 - Bahrain

Today, my sister just had a huge fight with my mom. After that, she thought it was appropriate to smash my $1,000 guitar to "blow off some steam." FML

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By jasmith - 18/11/2012 07:45 - United States - Addison

Today, my girlfriend claimed she was a Viking because she's pale and has blond hair. She also warned me that if I piss her off she'll go 'berserk' on me. She demonstrated by smacking me in the nuts with a wooden spoon. FML

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By anonymous - 20/2/2015 23:49 - United States - Paragould

Today, it was snowing but I had to let my dog out, so I picked him up and carried him outside. I slipped, landed on him and ended up breaking his leg. FML

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By bursteardrums - 16/8/2011 15:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I introduced my parrot to oranges. Now she makes a high pitched scream if I don't give her any, and I've just run out of oranges. FML

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By abrazama - 2/10/2009 14:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I went down to my accommodation office in fiery wrath, demanding that something be done about my three-days-cold shower. Looking dubious, they sent someone back with me. As soon as we got there he looked at me with deep pity and pulled the cord in the corner that activated the hot water. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2010 14:58 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my dad touching his knob, in the kitchen, while cooking. FML

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By boundandgagged - 13/1/2010 19:36 - United States

Today, my brother and his friend ambushed me, tied me to a chair, and put a sock in my mouth. My mom found me 10 minutes later, took the sock out, and asked, "Why are you tied to a chair?" I told her what happened. She looked at me, laughed, stuffed the sock back in my mouth, and left. FML

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By Laviolette - 23/2/2012 22:01 - France

Today, I was preparing dinner for my in-laws for the first time. Nervous, I accidentally spilled the pasta into the sink. With nothing else to prepare, I quickly scooped it all back out. No-one would have been any the wiser, if the kitchen sponge hadn't shown up in the middle of the meal. FML

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By anonymous - 14/3/2010 05:04 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend said he wanted to marry me. Since he doesn't know my ring size he asked for me to find a ring that I liked and he would buy it and propose. The only problem is that he won't spend more than 200 dollars on it. Oh the generosity. FML

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By BYUwildchild - 17/12/2010 16:23 - United States

Today, I realized that the fish-shaped birth mark on the back of my leg, that I have had all my life, is not really shaped like a fish as I had originally thought. It looks just like a penis. FML

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By WTFwhywouldyoudothat - 22/8/2011 22:10 - United Kingdom

Today, my house got broken into. Thankfully they didn't steal anything. They did, however, move things around into strange places and mess up my underwear. I have severe OCD, so this is probably worse than if they had taken everything. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2013 07:15 - United States - Petrolia

Today, I took my girlfriend out to eat at a diner where my friend works. My friend was our waiter but too busy to talk much. He texted me after we'd left to tell me that my girlfriend had slipped him her number. FML

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By MonsieurH - 3/4/2014 07:44 - France - Perros-guirec

Today, my dog wouldn't stop pestering me while I was eating some chocolate mousse. I tried to get him to leave me alone for a bit by pretending to throw the mousse far away. The pot stayed in my hand, but I covered the furniture in chocolate mousse. My dog enjoyed cleaning it up. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2013 01:33 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I discovered that my downstairs neighbor is running a business out of her apartment. Or I should say, her pimp is. FML

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By please don't get the succ - 29/6/2016 18:21 - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my job as a sailing instructor, I had to stop kids from getting their asses sucked by a pool filter. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2016 13:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I came home from work to find my grandmother in my living room, demanding to know where I'd been all day. I'm 22 and live by myself. She stole my mother's emergency key to get in. FML

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By - 2/12/2019 18:00

She plays tricks on me

Today, I had dinner at my girlfriend's house with her parents. Everything was going great, until after dinner when her dad pulled me aside and told me he'd heard us having sex. I was out of town all weekend for a baseball tournament. FML

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By Good choice cat - 24/2/2014 19:05 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I learned that I'm the only person in my family that our new cat likes. She sleeps on my bed and always sits in my lap and despises everyone else. I'm allergic to cats. FML

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By MBean - 24/10/2013 18:04 - Anguilla - The Valley

Today, I saw a wasp on the ground, apparently injured and unable to fly. It was being mobbed by ants and looked certain to die, so I stamped on the ants to save its life. At this point it sprung up, stung me, then flew off. FML

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By J…… - 12/5/2020 17:00

Bad timing

Today, as I was talking to my girlfriend about how I need to find another job to be able to afford school next fall, I hit a deer causing about $3,000 in damages to my car. FML

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By cc - 10/10/2011 04:04 - United States

Today, I lent my sister $1000 because she and her husband were in some debt. They used the money to go gambling in Vegas and won a major jackpot. They won't even give me a cut. FML

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By PixieWrists - 13/3/2012 17:33 - United Kingdom

Today, my therapist gave me some great self-sufficiency advice. It sounded familiar. When I got home I realized she had been quoting Christina Aguilera songs. For £100 an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2012 19:41 - United States

Today, someone caused over $400 worth of damage by breaking into my car, just to steal $8 worth of beer. FML

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By cockblockedbyFB - 6/6/2015 13:01 - United States - San Antonio

Today, like every other day, my wife doesn't have time for sex because she's too busy on Facebook. Then she bitched me out because "we never have sex anymore." FML

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By Obi-Wan - 8/9/2019 04:00 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Pink Lightsaber

Today, I walked in on my 17 year-old son masturbating. He froze, raised his hand and tried to use the "force" to remove the memory. I'm regretting ever having let him watch Star Wars. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2016 05:16 - United States - Davis

Today, I realized that I will be leaving for the US Marine Corps in June, and the presidential election is in November. I could potentially be serving with Trump as my Commander-in-Chief. FML

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By ticketed - 28/8/2012 16:04 - United States - Bronx

Today, I learned that several thousand people in my state got tickets this month for driving and talking on the phone. My mom called to tell me this while I was driving. I'm now part of that statistic. Thanks, mom. FML

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By ParkerRommel - 27/1/2012 03:22 - United States

Today, I was apparently tired enough to spray silly string under my armpits rather than deodorant. FML

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By WickedRene - 2/8/2014 01:57 - United States - Rochester

Today, I was watching my 3 year old brother. He asked me to get him a cookie and I said, "What's the magic word?" He looked at me angrily and said "Bitch, please." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2014 19:13 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I confronted my girlfriend over how she and a male friend have been going out together, drinking and partying, and at one point holding hands in the street. She angrily accused ME of cheating, because "confronting people like that" is apparently something only cheaters themselves do. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/9/2018 17:30

Today, while trying to hold the door open on an elevator, I managed to drop something down the elevator shaft. I'm blind, and the something was my white cane. FML

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By Teenagegirl - 26/3/2012 04:11 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, my mother told me it's okay to be a prostitute, as long as I make sure the clients pay a lot. FML

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Top comments

By FMLKitten | 15

#4944755 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 11:43

Hopefully, she's not a total Bridezilla and won't get mad at you for "stealing her attention".

By trqskq | 14

#4944775 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 11:48

Don't worry, the other women wearing the heels will feel like they have three broken toes once the night is over.

COMMENTS

By KrazieKleo | 13

#4944754 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 11:41

Shit, there's not a whole lot you can do except just go to the wedding. Your boot should be fine with her hopefully O_o

CookieKidrauhl | 0

#4947367 - Wednesday 19 September 2012 3:47

Since she and OP are best friends, she'll probably understand :)

azndecoy | 2

#4948060 - Wednesday 19 September 2012 8:08

Or maybe yøú can bet that the fiancée wises up before the wedding and win some money while you're at it.

By FMLKitten | 15

#4944755 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 11:43

Hopefully, she's not a total Bridezilla and won't get mad at you for "stealing her attention".

EvilPotato | 14

#4944967 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 13:22

Wow! Excellent reference that FML must be like 6 months old. Maybe even older! Props to you good sir!

CaptTeemo | 10

#4945527 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 17:43

Bridezilla is also a show.

emilyjgraham | 34

#4945584 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 18:30

and it is definitely not 6 months old!

evilplatypus | 38

#4945824 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 20:41

Time must be very odd in your universe, Potato, if one month = six months

juunebug | 2

#4946263 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 23:23

19 - it's also a very common phrase...

By KaelaKhaotic | 5

#4944760 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 11:44

I hope she'll understand about your broken toes.

samsaf1989 | 5

#4945162 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 15:15

I hope she already knows about her broken toes being her "best friend" and all ...

jumble | 12

#4945832 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 20:49

But then again it says "best friend's wedding" then "the bride ordered" so she could be best friends with the groom. Still, OP should have let them know that she had broken toes to see what to do about the situation.

samsaf1989 | 5

#4946893 - Wednesday 19 September 2012 1:19

Hmm good point 73 that could actually be the case,

By toelie | 25

#4944772 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 11:47

Broken toes are a pretty good excuse.

baronsmommy | 14

#4945735 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 19:40

Not to a bridezilla!

ohSNAPyall | 26

#4947834 - Wednesday 19 September 2012 6:35

Or a pretty good reason to be booted from the bridal party!

By 0RedPenguin0 | 8

#4944773 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 11:47

You better heal up quick, then.

KrazieKleo | 13

#4944830 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 12:19

She has broken toes -.- she won't heal up in a week!

HighGTurn | 12

#4944978 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 13:27

As if you can speed up the process..

ohSNAPyall | 26

#4945000 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 13:34

What a world of literalists with no imagination.

maronofhearts | 19

#4948454 - Wednesday 19 September 2012 11:30

It's because he said heal not heel so the connection wasn't made. Using the wrong word makes the joke right

By trqskq | 14

#4944775 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 11:48

Don't worry, the other women wearing the heels will feel like they have three broken toes once the night is over.

outoftown | 26

#4946638 - Wednesday 19 September 2012 0:28

And ankles. Luckily, OP has a doctor she can recommend.

By Shadow_Phantom | 26

#4944786 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 11:56

I really hope she's sympathetic toward your situation... I don't think I'd ever want to wear heels, even with my feet being perfectly undamaged.

By perdix | 29

#4944794 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 11:59

Wear the platform heel on your good foot and walk around in circles the whole day.

The wedding guests will think you are doing a one-woman Hokey Pokey marathon.

SerendipityRose | 26

#4945207 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 15:27

I just woke up my Husband from laughing at the mental imagery your comment conjured. He's scowling, so I'm blaming you for the grumpy-pants he's gonna be wearing most of the day.

gracehi | 31

#4945256 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 15:44

^ Seems legit. BTW, how the hell did you get TWO FMLs posted? I swear I've never seen someone with more than one, and I can't even get that many posted.

FMLKitten | 15

#4945523 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 17:38

41- her life sucks, that's how.

perdix | 29

#4945535 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 17:54

#37, sorry about that. I checked and now that I estimate Mr. Grumpy-Pants is about 2000 miles away, I'll man up and take the hit.

It's hard for me to feel true remorse for causing uncontrollable laughter, though.

By alexNEX | 7

#4944802 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 12:02

Get ready for a broken neck while your at it on those suicide shoes.

howdeedoo | 22

#4945305 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 16:06

Except for the fact that she probably won't even be wearing those shoes.

By Elegance | 7

#4944813 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 12:07

Tell her the boot is in style this season. If she's gullible enough, you and the other bridesmaids will be hobbling around for the entire duration of the event.