Health: Today, I received the heels I'll be wearing at my best friend's...

By AnnieThrax - United States - Holdingford

Today, I received the heels I'll be wearing at my best friend's wedding. The bride ordered them for us to match the dresses. They're six-inch platform heels. I have three broken toes and am still wearing a boot. The wedding is next weekend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a creepy girl from my class wouldn't stop texting me and trying to call me. In order to get her to stop, I texted back saying that I was at my mom's house for a family dinner. She replied, "No you're not. I can see you right now." FML

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By fugly - United States - Landenberg

Today, as I was putting stuff into the back of my car, a man walked by and said I looked "super fine." When I looked up to look him in the face, he immediately looked disgusted and basically ran away. Apparently, my face does that. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my sister's wedding, I got my 15 month old son to 'sign' the big guest book. I gave him a pen and was hoping for a cute little squiggle or something. But no, he managed to draw something that looked uncannily like a big swastika. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my daughter was charged with multiple counts of vandalism and trespassing. It seems she's been sneaking out in the middle of the night, stealing and breaking our neighbors' lawn ornaments. Specifically garden gnomes. FML

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By metalmeow

Today, after taking care not to hurt myself during my workout, I injured my shoulder extricating myself from my sports bra. FML

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By innocent - United States

Today, my father seems to be having an affair. A used condom was carelessly left on his nightstand and my mother found it. She refuses to believe that my boyfriend and I are not responsible. As punishment I am "no longer allowed to see him." We're both 22 and live together in our own apartment. FML

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By KrissyBearr - United States

Today, while having sex, I told my boyfriend that I love him. I could feel him go soft inside me. FML

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By razordot - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after complaining all my life that no one makes a decent can opener, I have realised that I have been using them the wrong way. I finally figured out that the cutting blade goes on the SIDE of the can not the TOP. I'm 57 years old. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me. Why? I was late for our date. We arrived at the restaurant together. FML

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By missbutthole - United States

Today, after being chronically constipated for the better part of a week, I finally have the urge to poop. Too bad I'm 30 minutes early to work and locked out of the building. FML

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By princess4242 - India

Today, I was with my friend and her entire family at a restaurant. While we were eating, her brother who is really cute asked what "brown sauce" is. I said thats probably 'penis' sauce. I'd meant to say 'peanut sauce' but the damage was done. The entire family just stared. FML

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By clumsyandpoor - United States - Watertown

Today, I was short on money for bills, so I pulled out my alto saxophone, knowing that no matter how much I loved it, I'd be able pay my rent with the money. As I pulled it out of its case, the neck strap broke and I dropped it, breaking the bell beyond repair. Now I'm poor AND depressed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to get my first tattoo. When I told the man that I wanted Tinkerbell on my lower back area. He snorted and told me that I was way too old to have Tinkerbell on me, and that Disney characters are only cute on people 35 and younger. I'm 23. FML

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By MikaPika - Sweden - G?teborg

Today, my boss offered me a 3% "raise" with new commission targets. Consequently this "raise" would result in my income being reduced by a third. Apparently, if I can reach my current targets, they're too easy. So, as a reward for being great at my job, I get a reduced salary. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2020 09:57 - Argentina - Burzaco

The death of romance

Today, I was swiping on Tinder when the app told me there was one else left to meet. I haven't had any matches. FML

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By brokenhome - United States

Today, my apartment got robbed. My 'book-in-progress' should keep them company. FML

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By NotAGoodDay - United Kingdom - Sudbury

Today, I had severe constipation. I went to get some more laxatives when I felt something fall onto the top of my head. I reached up to see what it was and it turned out to be quite a large spider. Guess who isn't constipated anymore. FML

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Not really a good idea

Today, I decide to let my boyfriend introduce food into our sex life, then a few days after we used melted chocolate I got a UTI. I’ve never had a UTI before in my life so I’m blaming him for the fact it feels like I’m peeing needles dipped in acid. FML

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By my eyes!! - 27/5/2020 08:00

Knock next time

Today, I walked in on my husband's elderly parents getting it on. It’s beautiful they still love each other, I just wish they hadn’t decided to express that love on our living room sofa. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after a day of walking around downtown, shopping and going out to eat, I came home to notice I had a dirty thong stuck to the back of my shirt. FML

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By Sam

Today, my 5-year-old daughter innocently asked a lady how much money she makes. In response, the lady bent down and slapped my daughter so hard she fell on her butt and cried. Then she slapped me for "not raising her right". FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2020 10:01 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

The World won't Listen

Today, I went round to see a friend who recently had a heart attack and was finding it difficult to shop for herself. She complained about the food being "too healthy" and wanted bags of chips and frozen rubbish instead. Her being overweight directly caused her heart attack. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Midlothian

Today, during parent/teacher conferences, my mom told my Chemistry teacher that I have an intense crush on him. There are still 7 months left in the school year. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was headed towards the unisex bathroom at physical therapy when another patient looked up at me and quickly looked away. I knew instantly and prepared for the smell, but I wasn't expecting remnants still floating in the toilet. FML

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By cacheson - 5/6/2020 23:00

The Good Fight

Today, my husband and roommate went out to protest for the second day in a row. I have an anxiety disorder, so I can't go. I’m just stuck here watching videos of the fires and violence, wondering if they will even come home. FML

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By cnamobi - United States

Today, a tornado watch has been instituted in my town. At this moment, I have violent diarrhea, and my toilet sits right in front of a window. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got to a patient having a seizure and was approached by a bystander who said to me, "I have pharmaceutical grade essential oils, and they recommend Frankincense for seizures." Thank you? FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portsmouth

Today, my wife asked me to come talk to her in the bedroom. Thinking she wanted to have a quickie while her sister was spending time with our son, I rushed into the room. She didn't want a quickie, she wanted a divorce. FML

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By christiner - France

Today, I was at work and was confronted by a customer wanting to get a "Nemo" fish. I explained that 'Nemo' needs to live in saltwater, not freshwater, like their tank was. The customer then turns around and grabs a perforated tank divider and says, "Can't I just split them up with this?" FML

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By grounded. - United States

Today, I'm a 25-year-old married woman and I'm currently living with my grandfather to take care of him. Today, he grounded me. FML

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By :/

Today, I taught my 12-year-old brothers that showering cannot be used as a substitute for deodorant, and that they should use both. One of them was almost in tears. FML

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By TooAccepting - 6/1/2021 23:01 - Australia - Brisbane

Fragility

Today, I explained to my boyfriend that I'm pansexual. I said attracts what me to him is his intelligence and personality, and would still love him whether or not he had a penis. Turns out a 100% straight cis man can prioritise his penis over his intelligence and personality, because he's really offended now. FML

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By Shitty Boss Shitty Job - United States - Davenport

Today, I woke up at 5:30 and made the half hour drive to work only to find out that it was my day off. After finally getting back home and into bed, my boss called, requesting that I come back to work since I was "already up". FML

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By Shortround - United States - Wheaton

Today, I had three things stolen: my phone, my iPod, and my girlfriend. All by the same guy. FML

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By dire-rear - Singapore

Today, I was stuck on the toilet with a huge stomachache after eating bad food the day before. I got up to flush when I noticed that there was a cockroach struggling feebly in the pile of crap. I'll never know if it got there before or after I crapped. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Carrollton

Today, I was very worried about my girlfriend of two years. She has recently moved into her apartment, and I hadn't heard from her for four days. Don't worry, though, she's fine. According to her mother's Facebook, she moved in with her old boyfriend. FML

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By TedX - 19/8/2020 20:07

Denial

Today, at 18, I finally told my mom I was gay. She spent the rest of the day bringing up my "future wife" at every possible chance she had. FML

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By FattestUgliestPerson - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, my husband jokingly told my daughter when she passes gas in public she needs to blame it on the fattest and ugliest person there. We went shopping after and she let a HUGE fart out. She gasped, "Mommy!" FML

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By Eleanor - United States - North Grafton

Today, my freshman students got in a fist fight over a chair. FML

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By Stranded - United States

Today, I got back from a romantic vacation at a fancy hotel with my boyfriend of 6 months. After a steamy love session, I confessed that I was in love with him. Later, when I got out of the shower, all his stuff was gone and I was stuck with the entire week's hotel cost and no ride home. FML

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Top comments

By FMLKitten | 15

#4944755 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 11:43

Hopefully, she's not a total Bridezilla and won't get mad at you for "stealing her attention".

By trqskq | 14

#4944775 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 11:48

Don't worry, the other women wearing the heels will feel like they have three broken toes once the night is over.

COMMENTS

By KrazieKleo | 13

#4944754 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 11:41

Shit, there's not a whole lot you can do except just go to the wedding. Your boot should be fine with her hopefully O_o

CookieKidrauhl | 0

#4947367 - Wednesday 19 September 2012 3:47

Since she and OP are best friends, she'll probably understand :)

azndecoy | 2

#4948060 - Wednesday 19 September 2012 8:08

Or maybe yøú can bet that the fiancée wises up before the wedding and win some money while you're at it.

By FMLKitten | 15

#4944755 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 11:43

Hopefully, she's not a total Bridezilla and won't get mad at you for "stealing her attention".

EvilPotato | 14

#4944967 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 13:22

Wow! Excellent reference that FML must be like 6 months old. Maybe even older! Props to you good sir!

CaptTeemo | 10

#4945527 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 17:43

Bridezilla is also a show.

emilyjgraham | 34

#4945584 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 18:30

and it is definitely not 6 months old!

evilplatypus | 38

#4945824 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 20:41

Time must be very odd in your universe, Potato, if one month = six months

juunebug | 2

#4946263 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 23:23

19 - it's also a very common phrase...

By KaelaKhaotic | 5

#4944760 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 11:44

I hope she'll understand about your broken toes.

samsaf1989 | 5

#4945162 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 15:15

I hope she already knows about her broken toes being her "best friend" and all ...

jumble | 12

#4945832 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 20:49

But then again it says "best friend's wedding" then "the bride ordered" so she could be best friends with the groom. Still, OP should have let them know that she had broken toes to see what to do about the situation.

samsaf1989 | 5

#4946893 - Wednesday 19 September 2012 1:19

Hmm good point 73 that could actually be the case,

By toelie | 25

#4944772 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 11:47

Broken toes are a pretty good excuse.

baronsmommy | 14

#4945735 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 19:40

Not to a bridezilla!

ohSNAPyall | 26

#4947834 - Wednesday 19 September 2012 6:35

Or a pretty good reason to be booted from the bridal party!

By 0RedPenguin0 | 8

#4944773 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 11:47

You better heal up quick, then.

KrazieKleo | 13

#4944830 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 12:19

She has broken toes -.- she won't heal up in a week!

HighGTurn | 12

#4944978 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 13:27

As if you can speed up the process..

ohSNAPyall | 26

#4945000 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 13:34

What a world of literalists with no imagination.

maronofhearts | 19

#4948454 - Wednesday 19 September 2012 11:30

It's because he said heal not heel so the connection wasn't made. Using the wrong word makes the joke right

By trqskq | 14

#4944775 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 11:48

Don't worry, the other women wearing the heels will feel like they have three broken toes once the night is over.

outoftown | 26

#4946638 - Wednesday 19 September 2012 0:28

And ankles. Luckily, OP has a doctor she can recommend.

By Shadow_Phantom | 26

#4944786 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 11:56

I really hope she's sympathetic toward your situation... I don't think I'd ever want to wear heels, even with my feet being perfectly undamaged.

By perdix | 29

#4944794 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 11:59

Wear the platform heel on your good foot and walk around in circles the whole day.

The wedding guests will think you are doing a one-woman Hokey Pokey marathon.

SerendipityRose | 26

#4945207 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 15:27

I just woke up my Husband from laughing at the mental imagery your comment conjured. He's scowling, so I'm blaming you for the grumpy-pants he's gonna be wearing most of the day.

gracehi | 31

#4945256 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 15:44

^ Seems legit. BTW, how the hell did you get TWO FMLs posted? I swear I've never seen someone with more than one, and I can't even get that many posted.

FMLKitten | 15

#4945523 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 17:38

41- her life sucks, that's how.

perdix | 29

#4945535 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 17:54

#37, sorry about that. I checked and now that I estimate Mr. Grumpy-Pants is about 2000 miles away, I'll man up and take the hit.

It's hard for me to feel true remorse for causing uncontrollable laughter, though.

By alexNEX | 7

#4944802 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 12:02

Get ready for a broken neck while your at it on those suicide shoes.

howdeedoo | 22

#4945305 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 16:06

Except for the fact that she probably won't even be wearing those shoes.

By Elegance | 7

#4944813 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 12:07

Tell her the boot is in style this season. If she's gullible enough, you and the other bridesmaids will be hobbling around for the entire duration of the event.