Today, I received the heels I'll be wearing at my best friend's...

By AnnieThrax - United States - Holdingford

Today, I received the heels I'll be wearing at my best friend's wedding. The bride ordered them for us to match the dresses. They're six-inch platform heels. I have three broken toes and am still wearing a boot. The wedding is next weekend. FML

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Health

Rock, hard place

All over the place

Assumptions

By Anonymous

Today, I had to explain to my husband that it's biologically impossible for cats and dogs to cross-breed, and that his "brilliant idea" of getting ours to mate is just plain disturbing. He still doesn't believe me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newark

Today, my friends took my work laptop and changed the sounds. Now, whenever I remove a USB device, a woman's voice screams "Put it back!" and when I insert a USB device, it says "Oh, you need to push it in harder!" I don't know how to change it back. FML

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By misTreated - United States

Today, I was spelling T-R-E-A-T to my fiancé so that the dog wouldn't understand what I was talking about. Turns out, neither could my fiancé. FML

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By hipprep83 - United States

Today, I found a bell that had been tied into the tassel of my ski hat by my twin sister as part of a longstanding prank war between us. I'm deaf and have apparently been jingling like an elf for over a week. FML

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By Ciara - Ireland - Cork

Today, I woke up to a weird feeling on my face. Thinking it was a bug, I slapped at it. It was my freshly-inserted nose ring. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my husband that I wanted to take advantage of the alone time we would have while our kids are visiting my parents. My idea? A nice dinner out and kinky sex all night long. His idea? Chinese buffet and subsequent dutch ovens in bed. FML

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By Kait - Canada - Newmarket

Today, I went on a Tinder date. Sort of. I got ready and went to the bar he'd chosen. I waited 15 minutes for him to show. We exchanged ”Hellos,” then he said he was going to grab a drink and walked off. He didn’t come back. Damn, was it the way I said, “Hello”? FML

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By bummer - United States

Today, I went to drive my mom's car for a change. It wouldn't start, so I open the hood. Someone had stolen the battery. I go to start my own car so I can drive to the police station to report the theft, and discover someone siphoned off my gas. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while lifeguarding, I slipped and fell from my chair and onto the cement. Embarrassed and actually quite hurt, I tried to climb back up to the chair, but it tipped. I fell half onto the cement half into the pool, just before the chair landed on top of me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Peoria

Today, I finally came out to my dad, who is a priest, as gay. He responded by splashing me with holy water to "banish the demon within" me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dallas

Today, my son said his first word. Unfortunately, that word was "cock." I've tried convincing myself that he's trying to say "clock" but I just can't do it. FML

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By Terri-Lynn - Canada - Calgary

Today, I figured out why my doctor repeatedly warned me to keep regular bowel movements while I recover from childbirth. I now have an anal fissure. It's like giving birth all over again. FML

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By LeaveMeAlone

Creepy creep alert. Run!

Today, my manager "bumped" into me 3 or 4 separate times. I told him months ago I didn't want to date him. He even asked me once if I was ever afraid of being kidnapped. FML

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By Kristat - United States

Today, because I was the only manager scheduled, I went into work despite feeling sick to my stomach. While sitting down with a customer, I got the urge to throw up and tried to hold it back. Instead I vomited in my mouth, instinctively swallowed and started choking in front of the customer. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2020 17:01 - United States

Kick the bum out, part 2

Today, my fiancé thinks that the only reason I innocently asked him how soon he wants to have kids after we get married is that he thinks I'm racing to beat a friend or family member. Now I can't even be excited about starting a family with this man without having ulterior motives. FML

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By burnt38392 - United States

Today, as a means of getting over my abusive ex, I decided to write his name on a piece of paper and light it on fire. As I lit the paper up, I noticed the marker ink had bled through it. The paper is gone, but his name is forever engraved on my desk. FML

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By cutiekenz21 - United States

Today, my boyfriend's mother walked in on us having sex. He started crying and ran into the bathroom where my clothes were located, leaving me to deal with his mother. Naked. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2020 14:08 - Canada - Fort Frances

Living in another world

Today, I played The Sims just so I'd know what it was like to live alone, own a home, and have a well-paying job that didn't slowly kill me from the inside out. It was the happiest I've been in months. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was perusing my mom's Facebook. I noticed she has an album of pictures for each member of the family, except me. The dog has an album. FML

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By fionnathehuman - United States

Today, my 6-year-old son pooped in the back yard and used a stick to throw it over the fence into my neighbor's yard. FML

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By easily amused - United States

Today, I discovered my 10 month old is terrified of my laugh. Every time I start to laugh, she screams in terror. It's getting depressing. FML

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By Donezoo - United States

Today, my car was broken into. They broke the passenger side window and took my radio system. But they didn't take the remote for it. FML

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By too bad so sad - United States

Today, as I sat on my couch heartbroken from a very recent breakup, my mother walked up to me and in a very comforting voice said, "maybe he left you for someone else." FML

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By webperson04 - United States

Today, I was peeing in a urinal at a bar. A drunk guy comes in, and seeing no urinals open, he decides to pee between my legs from behind me. He didn't have good aim. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mahwah

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. Turns out his dad is the asshole customer that I complain about all the time. He recognized me too and spent the entire dinner making passive-aggressive remarks about how bad of an employee I am. FML

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By Hypocrite

Today, after giving my husband a ton of crap about the speeding ticket he got last year, I got a speeding ticket. FML

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By MisterT - United States

Today, my kitchen sink was clogged. I poured a bottle of Drano down and came back two hours later. The clog is still there, but the glue on the pipe is not and now there is Drano-water all over the floor, staining and dissolving everything in my kitchen. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Stockton

Today, I found out the record label I was talking to was actually just my friends who have way too much time on their hands. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, while driving home from work an old homeless man stepped out on front of my car. As I slammed on the brakes the man threw a bag of poo at my windscreen and shouted "Praise The Lord!" before carrying on as if nothing had happened. FML

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By Shady_Soldier - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to get over my lifelong fear of Michael Jackson. I went to have my photo taken with a statue of him. Little did I know, for Halloween week they replace the statues with real people. It jumped out at me; I'm never getting over this fear. FML

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By abbshows - United States

Today, it was my great aunt's funeral. We all had to wait two hours for the service to begin, because they forgot to dig the grave. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I felt inspired to create a photo album of myself through the years. As I was organizing the photos of my childhood, I noticed how many my mom was holding me and hugging me in. When she came home from work I jokingly asked, "When did you start hating me?" She replied, "When you were 4". FML

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By x_udontknowme_x - United States

Today, while I was out of the office, I'd left my phone charging inside. My boss informed me that since I am clearly running up her electricity bill, it will be deducted out of my already nearly non existent paycheck. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2020 01:00

Not a girl, not yet a woman

Today, I got a very accusatory phone call from my daughter's teacher. According to my daughter, I absolutely refuse to let her eat in the morning. In reality, I told her it’s her responsibility to get herself up and get breakfast on her own before we leave. My daughter is 17 years old. FML

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By Fox - United States

Today, while driving extremely fast on a road in the middle of nowhere, I started to go down a hill. Noticing a police car at the bottom, I slammed my brakes and blew a tire in the process. It turns out the police car was an old cutout used to trick people. FML

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By gmd05 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's grandma for the first time. Trying to make a good impression, I offered to wash the dishes. I accidentally broke the faucet. FML

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By bells - United States

Today, at the office, after a heavy night of drinking, I had to hear my boss walk around with bells attached to her shoes. She circled the office a total of 34 times today. FML

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By eleonor - France

Today, I sent a text message to my boyfriend, saying "Come over in an hour, I love you." An hour later, the doorbell rang. It was my ex, looking happy and still as taken with me as before, with a bunch of roses. I'd got the wrong number. My ex and my boyfriend have the same name. FML

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By areyoukiddingme - United States

Today, I got yelled at by my mom for not being surprised enough at my surprise birthday party. She'd told me about it while drunk the night before. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that the engineers I work with believe that a woman with an engineering degree working in an engineering company is apparently equivalent to a "secretary for engineers." I am that woman. FML

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Top comments

By FMLKitten | 15

#4944755 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 11:43

Hopefully, she's not a total Bridezilla and won't get mad at you for "stealing her attention".

By trqskq | 14

#4944775 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 11:48

Don't worry, the other women wearing the heels will feel like they have three broken toes once the night is over.

COMMENTS

By KrazieKleo | 13

#4944754 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 11:41

Shit, there's not a whole lot you can do except just go to the wedding. Your boot should be fine with her hopefully O_o

CookieKidrauhl | 0

#4947367 - Wednesday 19 September 2012 3:47

Since she and OP are best friends, she'll probably understand :)

azndecoy | 2

#4948060 - Wednesday 19 September 2012 8:08

Or maybe yøú can bet that the fiancée wises up before the wedding and win some money while you're at it.

By FMLKitten | 15

#4944755 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 11:43

Hopefully, she's not a total Bridezilla and won't get mad at you for "stealing her attention".

EvilPotato | 14

#4944967 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 13:22

Wow! Excellent reference that FML must be like 6 months old. Maybe even older! Props to you good sir!

CaptTeemo | 10

#4945527 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 17:43

Bridezilla is also a show.

emilyjgraham | 34

#4945584 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 18:30

and it is definitely not 6 months old!

evilplatypus | 38

#4945824 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 20:41

Time must be very odd in your universe, Potato, if one month = six months

juunebug | 2

#4946263 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 23:23

19 - it's also a very common phrase...

By KaelaKhaotic | 5

#4944760 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 11:44

I hope she'll understand about your broken toes.

samsaf1989 | 5

#4945162 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 15:15

I hope she already knows about her broken toes being her "best friend" and all ...

jumble | 12

#4945832 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 20:49

But then again it says "best friend's wedding" then "the bride ordered" so she could be best friends with the groom. Still, OP should have let them know that she had broken toes to see what to do about the situation.

samsaf1989 | 5

#4946893 - Wednesday 19 September 2012 1:19

Hmm good point 73 that could actually be the case,

By toelie | 25

#4944772 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 11:47

Broken toes are a pretty good excuse.

baronsmommy | 14

#4945735 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 19:40

Not to a bridezilla!

ohSNAPyall | 26

#4947834 - Wednesday 19 September 2012 6:35

Or a pretty good reason to be booted from the bridal party!

By 0RedPenguin0 | 8

#4944773 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 11:47

You better heal up quick, then.

KrazieKleo | 13

#4944830 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 12:19

She has broken toes -.- she won't heal up in a week!

HighGTurn | 12

#4944978 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 13:27

As if you can speed up the process..

ohSNAPyall | 26

#4945000 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 13:34

What a world of literalists with no imagination.

maronofhearts | 19

#4948454 - Wednesday 19 September 2012 11:30

It's because he said heal not heel so the connection wasn't made. Using the wrong word makes the joke right

By trqskq | 14

#4944775 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 11:48

Don't worry, the other women wearing the heels will feel like they have three broken toes once the night is over.

outoftown | 26

#4946638 - Wednesday 19 September 2012 0:28

And ankles. Luckily, OP has a doctor she can recommend.

By Shadow_Phantom | 26

#4944786 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 11:56

I really hope she's sympathetic toward your situation... I don't think I'd ever want to wear heels, even with my feet being perfectly undamaged.

By perdix | 29

#4944794 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 11:59

Wear the platform heel on your good foot and walk around in circles the whole day.

The wedding guests will think you are doing a one-woman Hokey Pokey marathon.

SerendipityRose | 26

#4945207 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 15:27

I just woke up my Husband from laughing at the mental imagery your comment conjured. He's scowling, so I'm blaming you for the grumpy-pants he's gonna be wearing most of the day.

gracehi | 31

#4945256 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 15:44

^ Seems legit. BTW, how the hell did you get TWO FMLs posted? I swear I've never seen someone with more than one, and I can't even get that many posted.

FMLKitten | 15

#4945523 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 17:38

41- her life sucks, that's how.

perdix | 29

#4945535 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 17:54

#37, sorry about that. I checked and now that I estimate Mr. Grumpy-Pants is about 2000 miles away, I'll man up and take the hit.

It's hard for me to feel true remorse for causing uncontrollable laughter, though.

By alexNEX | 7

#4944802 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 12:02

Get ready for a broken neck while your at it on those suicide shoes.

howdeedoo | 22

#4945305 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 16:06

Except for the fact that she probably won't even be wearing those shoes.

By Elegance | 7

#4944813 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 12:07

Tell her the boot is in style this season. If she's gullible enough, you and the other bridesmaids will be hobbling around for the entire duration of the event.