Miscellaneous: Today, I received a packet of papers in the mail by the state... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 86

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 394

You deserved it 105

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 161

You deserved it 1 369

11/02/2009 15:51

Today, I received a packet of papers in the mail by the state suing me for child support. I am 22 and still a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 572

You deserved it 3 534

You tried

Sorry…

Telenovela FML

19/06/2012 20:59

Today, I realized that the only times I get to hang out with my friends outside of school are when one of them accidentally mentions plans in front of me and they are obligated by social protocol to invite me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 637

You deserved it 3 227

02/01/2010 05:26

Today, I went to the drugstore to get supplies for my broken toe. Because of the swelling, I could only wear open-toed sandals on this cold day. At the store, a tall, heavy man in winter boots tried to get by me, and ended up stepping on the toes of my good foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 298

You deserved it 2 671

Freudian slip

By Anonymous - 20/03/2021 03:01

Today, while spacing out about my hot male boss, he called my name for something and I replied, "Yes Daddy?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 361

You deserved it 1 273

25/03/2009 16:33

Today, I repaired a boiler for a wealthy guy in a big house. While there, I fixed a leaking tap for free. When I went to go, the man slipped something into my shirt pocket and said "have a drink on me." When I got to my truck, I discovered that he'd given me a tea bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 715

You deserved it 6 264

16/01/2010 21:05

Today, I was telling my cousin about my boyfriend, who plays guitar and sings very well, has dark hair, and wears girl pants. After telling her these things, she's quiet for a moment before she looks at me and says, "So... You're dating a Jonas brother?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 934

You deserved it 43 570

18/05/2009 05:12

Today, I went bowling. The guy at the lane next to us was bowling by himself and had a few of his own bowling balls, and he had one that looked like a yin-yang and it looked very cool spinning down the lane into the pins. Not really thinking, I casually said to him "Hey, I like your balls." FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 645

You deserved it 56 669

20/03/2010 06:23

Today, I dove into the water perfectly, and my bikini bottoms came off. I splashed around nervously. This guy must have thought I was drowning, and dove in to save me. He emerged from the water carrying a half naked girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 531

You deserved it 5 472

22/10/2015 19:02

Today, my two sons were fighting. I had to shout, "Give me that pillow" - the object over which they were quarrelling - and put them into two separate rooms. My sons are 12 and 15. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 306

You deserved it 2 958

26/03/2009 07:19

Today, while at the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a large group of Asians trying to take a picture. Trying to help, I slowly say, "You... want me... take picture?" while using hand motions. The man looks at me and says, "No thanks asshole, I got it," in plain English. FML

I agree, your life sucks 84 499

You deserved it 598 683

02/09/2010 02:31

Today, I fell off my bike. I grazed my knee, shin, thigh, hip, collar bone, shoulder and face. I also strained my wrist. As I was wheeling my bike away, I stung my other leg on nettles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 569

You deserved it 4 430

09/11/2013 14:15

Today, while working at Chipotle, a teenage girl asked in all seriousness if she "could have a steak burrito, but with like, chicken instead?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 839

You deserved it 3 951

04/11/2011 00:16

Today, at the nail salon, a Korean woman was making fun of me. I kindly told her, in Korean, that I understood. She kindly told me, in English, that she didn't care. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 681

You deserved it 4 234

21/06/2012 18:19

Today, I brought my girlfriend home for dinner. The first words out of my dad's mouth were apparently, "Ah, you must be Dan's slam-piece." I was in the living room and didn't quite catch it all, but I said, "She certainly is!" Now I'm single, and all my friends think I'm a bastard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 754

You deserved it 11 512

05/11/2010 00:00

Today, I was at Wal-Mart where all the aisles had been moved. An elderly woman asked me where the pet products were, so I told her that I didn't know, but showed her where they could be. An hour later, she came back with security. She'd told them I'd purposefully gotten her lost. They threw me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 574

You deserved it 3 378

30/09/2018 07:00

Today, the blinker on my car was broken so I decided to play it safe and drive a different car to work. I guess it wouldn’t have mattered which car I drove, as the cop nicely told me one of the headlights was out when he pulled me over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 949

You deserved it 360

28/04/2012 21:21

Today, I was sent to a customer's house to switch out a washing machine. My boss had assured me that everything I'd need was already in the truck. Halfway there, I ran out of gas and I realized I didn't have the gas card. My boss says it's my fault. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 664

You deserved it 7 501

Acrophobia

By Matthew Smith - 21/06/2021 21:01

Today, my new drone got stuck on the neighbour's roof. I'd bought the drone to look at my roof because I don’t like going up on ladders. FML

I agree, your life sucks 459

You deserved it 554

15/02/2013 01:55

Today, I lit my beard on fire while trying to light a cigarette driving to work. I got fired from work when I got there because of my appearance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 463

You deserved it 45 836

03/02/2009 20:30

Today, I was taking the elevator down with a group of people. It stopped on the 2nd floor and I said "What asshole can't take the steps from the 2nd floor?" Then a kid in a wheelchair got on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 283

You deserved it 54 357

11/02/2012 07:03

Today, I received a parking fine for $147. My car isn't even worth that much. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 536

You deserved it 7 713

03/11/2011 11:48

Today, my girlfriend thinks my house is filled with ghosts. She can only hear them when I fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 344

You deserved it 5 705

23/03/2012 05:55

Spicy

Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. Let's just say pubes and toilet paper residue were the least of my problems. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 233

You deserved it 5 206

It's not a phase!

By Anonymous - 11/06/2021 07:59

Today, despite 18 years of marriage and two kids together, my father-in-law still insists my wife will one day grow up, realise I was the result of some rebellious phase she’s going through, divorce me and marry a decent boy from her hometown. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 072

You deserved it 50

26/10/2011 02:28

Today, I was happily playing with my young niece and nephew. Their grandmother was watching and said, "You are so good with children! Why don't you have any?" My husband died 3 months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 862

You deserved it 2 856

Leave Me Alone

By gordogs 25 - 04/04/2012 10:53

Spicy

Today, I woke up for the third time in a row from a wet dream about my ex-girlfriend. I'm currently on my honeymoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 992

You deserved it 12 987

29/08/2019 04:00

Today, after a lifelong struggle with suicidal depression and heroin abuse, I've been clean for six months. This is the healthiest I've been in ages, and naturally, I've gained weight. My whole family constantly talks about how I’ve let myself go, and how I should go back on heroin to be thin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 211

You deserved it 225

14/06/2012 20:40

Today, my morning sickness was so bad that I threw up everywhere, just from thinking about the pretend meal that a kid had made for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 339

You deserved it 2 690

Little bundles of joy

By SD. - 15/05/2021 16:06

Today, I woke up to my lovely 16-month old with her diaper on. When I stood up to retrieve and toss it, I also realized she'd pooped into her hand and thrown a log onto the middle of the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 718

You deserved it 132

12/03/2010 01:18

Today, I had a strong feeling that someone was watching me as I was undressing to get ready for bed. I conspicuously moved to the door and threw it open to find my step-brother clearly spying on me. We are the same age, live in the same house three weeks a month and in the same English class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 562

You deserved it 2 685

15/09/2010 15:01

Today, my boss walked down to my office with me to get some paperwork after a very tense, important meeting. He patiently waited while I tried to unlock my office door with my remote for my car. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 531

You deserved it 25 685

Rocky VIX

By Anonymous - 29/09/2019 20:06

Today, I was laying with my face dangling down the side of my bed, when my kitten rushed up to me looking worried. He sniffed me for a while, then decided the best thing to do was to stand on his hind legs and start punching my face like a speed bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 295

You deserved it 326

17/10/2016 18:47

Today, I found out how my salesmen are "entertaining" themselves since they were told they can't have their cell phones on them. They are pulling straws to see who will pretend to trip and fall face-first onto the floor in front of customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 731

You deserved it 1 481

12/03/2011 14:43

Today, I was texting a girl I like. Every message she sent came ten minutes after I sent her a message. When I told her "I've to go", she responded almost instantly with an "Ok, bye". FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 186

You deserved it 9 824

17/07/2009 10:12

Today, I was getting a haircut. I had my foils in for about 10 minutes when the fire alarm went off. The building then started to fill with smoke and we evacuated. While outside watching the fire being put out, I forgot about my foils. I now have bright bleached yellow and orange hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 709

You deserved it 6 079

08/08/2017 00:31

Today, my 17-year-old employee accidentally called me "Dad". We all got a good laugh from it and went on with our days. Later, after getting her some coins for her cash drawer, she playfully said, "Thanks, Daddy." The customer she was serving? My wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 351

You deserved it 539

28/06/2013 05:16

Today, while using a urinal in a very busy mall bathroom, another man unzipped his pants and attempted to use the same one as me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 722

You deserved it 3 166

08/11/2010 10:55

Today, my cat learned how to flush the toilet while I was in the shower. His transformation from cute kitten to pure evil entity is now complete. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 777

You deserved it 5 962

25/03/2014 03:39

Today, I was at Walmart and had to use the bathroom. I sat down and farted real loud. I didn't realize someone was in there with me until I heard a voice say, "Dude, that was a good one." It was a man's voice. I then realized I was in the men's restroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 950

You deserved it 13 571

13/09/2012 03:58

Today, feeling angry at the world, I threw a bottle, that had been clearly marked to be recycled, into a garbage can as an act of defiance. Minutes later, I guiltily retreated and spent the next few minutes with my entire arm stuck up the stinking ass of a city garbage can. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 101

You deserved it 36 500

Territorial

By Anonymous - 27/09/2011 19:53

Spicy

Today, a man punched me for sleeping with his wife. Bewildered, I insisted I would never sleep with a married woman, to which he retorted, "She wasn't my wife when it HAPPENED, dumbass!" I was assaulted for sleeping with my own girlfriend three years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 111

You deserved it 4 079

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Wednesday 11 February 2009 20:52

still a virgin, wow, that is quite a feat these days, congrats, most people lose themselves in highschool, so tight

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Wednesday 11 February 2009 21:21

Im still a virgin im 37 keep your head up

Comments

f_my_life_fml 0

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Wednesday 11 February 2009 20:01

Must be someone else with the same name? Paternity test!! lol

Epic_Phale615 0

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Monday 2 August 2010 5:21

The legal system for this shit sucks, by the time they get it settled he'll be a star in the new move "71 year old virgin" :P

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Wednesday 11 February 2009 20:12

Well, at least it sounds like you have a solid case... but you still have to go to court and probably retain a lawyer. You life sounds pretty f--ked right now.

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Wednesday 11 February 2009 20:52

still a virgin, wow, that is quite a feat these days, congrats, most people lose themselves in highschool, so tight

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Thursday 18 September 2014 0:52

I've seen 12/13 year olds get laid. (Not child porn FYI... just I'm 16 and know a 13 y/o who got laid.)

WaltzingPhanthom 23

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Wednesday 25 March 2015 16:05

My uncle is 69 and is still a virgin. :/

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Wednesday 11 February 2009 21:21

Im still a virgin im 37 keep your head up

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Tuesday 16 February 2010 5:52

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

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Sunday 19 June 2011 7:49

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

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Friday 24 June 2011 20:45

nothing wrong with being a virgin. although I lost mine when I was 16. but I still think its not a big deal

akostyszyn15 15

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Monday 6 June 2016 3:51

3 MORE YEARS AND YOURE A WIZARD

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Wednesday 11 February 2009 22:00

#3: 12(b)(6) is dismissal for failure to state a claim upon which relief can be granted. And the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure only apply in federal courts. The state is probably suing in state court. Depending on the state, mail service may be perfectly appropriate--the only overarching requirement is that the service be reasonably calculated to give notice, and mail service is (especially if certified).

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Wednesday 11 February 2009 22:05

#10 hmmm i have no idea...interesting

gBOSS 0

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Wednesday 11 February 2009 23:28

did you adopt a kid?

suyci 0

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Wednesday 11 February 2009 23:42

#12.. DAMN you suck

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Wednesday 11 February 2009 23:49

Um you don't need the entire first sentence for this to be an FML, 22? Really?

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Saturday 14 February 2009 15:54

Haha wow...