Love: Today, I looked at a girl's profile on a dating website, and...

By guiltnazan - 06/09/2014 19:29 - United States - Superior

Today, I looked at a girl's profile on a dating website, and it told her I'd visited it. Later on, she sent me a message. It said: "Don't even think about it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 614

You deserved it 3 789

guiltnazan tells us more.

guiltnazan 23

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Sunday 7 September 2014 16:13

Thanks for all the encouraging replies everyone. I decided to just not let her get to me and just move on with my life. #18: I think that anyone who needs to put down others and rejecting them to get an ego boost in any situation is just not a person I would want to spend any amount of time with. #25: That is an awesome idea and I should have used it!

Love

Sorry…

CIA-level batshittery

Where were you?

Sorry, but…

By Loveless - 29/10/2020 20:08

Today, my crush said that I was exceptionally ordinary. To my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 921

You deserved it 131

Home to roost

By Anonymous - 10/04/2021 00:30

Today, I found out that my mother has been telling several people that my fiancé and I will be moving into her house for the foreseeable future. All because we're moving to a city close by for jobs and are still searching for housing. I found this out from several of the people she told. FML

I agree, your life sucks 811

You deserved it 85

By OnlyMe - 08/10/2009 15:29 - United States

Today, I realized that I broke up with a man that loved me and was great in bed but was afraid of commitment, to be with a man that loves me, that is great in bed, and wants to be with me forever. So what's the problem? Now that we are committed, he won't get it on with me anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 603

You deserved it 23 312

By I hate retail - 17/10/2016 22:12 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I got yelled at by a customer for refusing to give a found credit card to a woman it didn't belong to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 990

You deserved it 757

By spaaaarta - 25/07/2016 20:17

Today, I was washing my car, I decided to be kind and to wash my elderly neighbor's car. As it turns out, her sunroof was open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 670

You deserved it 12 437

By Sean - 07/09/2013 08:22 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I found out my kids only remember my birthday because it's the password on the iPad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 534

You deserved it 5 802

By outofajob - 08/07/2011 05:10 - United States

Today, after not receiving my paycheck for over a month, I confronted my boss about it. His response? "You still work here?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 673

You deserved it 3 868

No balls activity

By Anonymous - 16/12/2019 12:00 - United States - Staten Island

Today, my right testicle popped out during gym class while we were running laps. The teacher saw it and said, “Put that thing away! There aren’t any balls involved in this activity!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 664

You deserved it 630

By Anonymous - 03/07/2019 06:00 - Australia

Today, I got an angry text, asking me why I wasn't at the staff dinner. I've been gone for the last 2 weeks, and I wasn't told about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 526

You deserved it 92

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

By Panek - 07/10/2021 23:01

Today, I had a panic attack because my wife yelped at me. What did I say that made her yell? I told her that I had just been diagnosed with a panic disorder that's triggered by people yelling at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 036

You deserved it 109

Baker's dozen

By Glenn - 21/03/2021 13:01 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad undermined my life's work. I finally opened my own bakery, but my dad told me it's a "sissies job" since it doesn't involve manual labour like he did for 50 years and I'll probably go out of business, because no one will want cakes from a 6 foot 8 man with tattoos, piercings and a shaved head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 751

You deserved it 105

By Anonymous - 06/02/2011 19:38 - United States

Today, I found out that my mom screams like a dying monkey while having sex. Even with my music turned up all the way, I can still hear her through our paper thin walls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 961

You deserved it 3 510

Downsizing awaits

By Keisha - 10/10/2019 00:01

Today, I got a 25-cent raise at work. That would be wonderful, had they not cut 6 hours off my schedule as well. I'm now making $200 less a month than I was pre-raise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 832

You deserved it 91

By budbunny13 - 30/06/2011 23:08 - United States

Today, I saw a pink, slimy thing coming out of my dog's knob. I got really freaked out so I took him to the vet, only to find out that it was his penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 659

You deserved it 63 892

By pissedoff - 28/06/2016 11:53 - United States - Benton

Today, my morning started off by stepping in my dog's piss by the door. Then, stepping in my husband's piss by the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 813

You deserved it 1 329

By fed up/turned off - 02/10/2013 05:47 - United States - Fresno

Today, I tried turning on my boyfriend by sending him naughty pictures and texts, describing in detail all the things I was going to do to him when we have the house to ourselves this weekend. He responded by quoting that crappy movie 'The Room', saying, "Oh hi doggie!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 441

You deserved it 6 762

Pretend

By Anonymous - 01/09/2013 16:34 - United States - Washington

Today, my girlfriend tried to get me to wear curly wig, so I could pretend to be Harry Styles in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 619

You deserved it 6 932

By Anonymous - 30/10/2009 16:23 - United States

Today, I went to a social event with a very attractive male co-worker. Things were going awesome, we were flirting and really hitting it off. Then his 'wife' called. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 471

You deserved it 7 154

By P4ntless - 26/10/2009 22:18 - United States

Today, I'm single. Last night, I decided it would be silly to leave my phone in my car before I went to my roommate's brother's birthday party. Highlights of the evening include: Beer Pong, a keg stand, and breaking up with my girlfriend via text message. I don't remember the last one. She does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 547

You deserved it 41 258

By stopstutteringforSiri - 05/01/2014 21:59 - United States

Today, I realized I'm so socially awkward that I can't even talk to Siri without stuttering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 907

You deserved it 6 082

By foreveralone - 13/01/2014 01:00 - United States - Franklin Park

Today, I went to the doctor, only to find out I can no longer eat chocolate, my favorite food. When I got home, my boyfriend took the chocolate cake I'd been eating from the fridge, sat down in front of me, and ate the whole thing without breaking eye contact. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 141

You deserved it 7 124

By bdjsbskl - 07/10/2011 05:55 - Canada

Today, I was at work as a cashier. An old lady unbagged everything I had, and angrily "taught" me how to bag. She put potatoes on her eggs and broke them. She then screamed that I was useless and retarded in front of all my other customers and manager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 538

You deserved it 2 366

By lohandork - 22/05/2016 17:33 - United Kingdom - Roehampton

Today, a motorist yelled at me for texting and driving. I was too ashamed to admit that I'd been admiring the bogey I'd just picked from my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 147

You deserved it 11 076

Threat Neutralized

By Anonymous - 23/07/2018 18:36 - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I farted so loudly in my sleep that it woke myself, my husband, and our cat. The cat let me know he was startled by clawing and biting the perceived threat, my bum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 249

You deserved it 702

By Kilamo - 04/07/2019 16:00

Today, I paid $2300 to a mechanic for fixing my car. It's also the day I got into an accident and totalled said car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 586

You deserved it 155

By zacharynedley - 06/01/2015 00:16 - United States - Elkridge

Today, I got fired from my job because my boss thinks that me doing everything he says makes me untrustworthy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 649

You deserved it 2 338

Honey…

By greenintheface - 30/04/2011 06:27 - United States

Today, I had a horrible stomach flu and was well into my second hour of dry heaving when I heard my husband knock on the bathroom door. I was touched that he was worried about me, until I heard, "Honey, what did you make for dinner?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 620

You deserved it 4 078

By Anonymous - 04/04/2015 12:53 - United States

Today, while at the zoo with my boyfriend, he pointed at the howling gorillas and shouted over to me: "Hah! That's what you sound like in bed!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 478

You deserved it 4 228

By nearly20yetasfearfulasatoddlerhavingnightmares - 19/03/2013 06:32 - United States - Allen

Today, it's my third night of finally living on my own in a house. I can't count the number of times I have run to my knife and pepper spray after hearing "suspicious" sounds. Maybe I'm not ready to be an adult after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 242

You deserved it 9 081

By Soap0015 - 16/08/2012 09:57 - United States

Today, I was at work as a lifeguard. The temperature was absolutely stifling, but I tried to tough it out. A couple of hours into my shift, I passed out, fell off my stand, and crashed into the water. Or so the medics tell me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 107

You deserved it 2 790

By DanniRae - 13/03/2009 13:48 - United States

Today, my mom was helping me clean out stuff from college. She opened a box and took out some anal beads I got as a gag gift. She asked, "What are these?" I answered, "They are for massaging your back". She then insisted I show her. I massaged my mother with anal beads. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 245

You deserved it 70 556

By MH - 24/01/2014 12:36 - Norway - Sandnes

Today, my mom took a picture of me. All she could say about the picture was, "At least your sister is pretty." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 942

You deserved it 3 957

By mynameisnotdrew - 17/02/2009 17:19 - United States

Today, after some very passionate sex with my girlfriend, she exclaims "that was amazing Drew..." She quickly tried to turn "Drew" into my actual name which does not sound a thing like Drew. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 865

You deserved it 4 086

By LETMEOUT! - 18/09/2017 04:30

Today, despite being claustrophobic and avoiding lifts at all costs, I had to use the lift at work to carry boxes of paper to the 3rd floor. It broke down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 704

You deserved it 288

By for shite's sake - 17/01/2015 22:24 - United Kingdom - Mirfield

Today, I took my driving test. I was really nervous, but I thought I did pretty well in the end. That is until I parked the car and looked to the examiner. He was visibly shaken. He said I'd passed, quickly filled in the paperwork and left. On the downside, my car still smells of his shart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 536

You deserved it 3 702

By imwithapples22 - 29/01/2013 16:39 - United States

Today, the last customer of the night shift handed me their money along with a wad of their hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 634

You deserved it 2 382

By Enyo - 01/01/2013 17:35 - Reserved

Today, I found my dogs freezing outside. My neighbor was supposed to watch them while I was away, and on my way home I called to let her know she should let them have a quick walk. She thought I'd be home soon enough that she wouldn't have to let them back in. It was minus 10c out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 606

You deserved it 4 306

By Anonymous - 23/11/2014 12:52 - United Kingdom

Today, my grandpa came into my room and asked for a pen. As I gave it to him, he let rip the foulest fart I've ever smelled in my life, and walked out without a word. 2 hours later, the smell is not only still there, it's filled the room. Looks like I'm sleeping downstairs on the couch tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 251

You deserved it 2 970

Spider-man

By Anonymous - 16/10/2019 16:00

Today, I tried to catch a spider in a glass. It was on the paper and I wanted it to fall into the glass, but I moved the paper the wrong way, screeched like a banshee and flung the glass at the floor. I was barefoot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 587

You deserved it 1 236

Today, on Dr. Phil…

By Anonymous - 23/09/2019 18:00

Today, I realized that masturbating to pictures of my girlfriend is better than having sex with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 778

You deserved it 437

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Top comments

TCRII 29

Sunday 7 September 2014 5:23

Tell her "no problem, I already ruled you out."

hobojo69 23

Send a private message

Sunday 7 September 2014 5:22

Wow, how rude!!! I hate people like that!!

hobojo69 23

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Sunday 7 September 2014 5:22

Wow, how rude!!! I hate people like that!!

urdirtyolduncle 15

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Sunday 7 September 2014 5:42

People like that aren't even worth your time.

Memma_fml 14

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Sunday 7 September 2014 13:09

Riiiighttttttt

shay_serendipity 29

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Monday 8 September 2014 0:49

Lleeffffttt

StupidMonkey497 16

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Monday 8 September 2014 4:49

Why you gotta be so ruuuude

Watchdog100 1

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Tuesday 9 September 2014 2:44

12, They should've said "Sorry, it was a misclick."

Dreamsorrow93 24

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Sunday 7 September 2014 5:23

You can do better.

andyeatsworld 10

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Sunday 7 September 2014 5:23

Dick pic as payback!

UnidentifiedFun 37

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Sunday 7 September 2014 5:46

Nothing says 'fuck you' like a dick pic

AoC15 10

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Sunday 7 September 2014 15:42

Try to make her feel she's missing out on a great opportunity. I like that

andyeatsworld 10

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Sunday 7 September 2014 18:49

Or giving a disease lol. Those are some big fucks you.

blackonblight 32

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Thursday 11 September 2014 20:50

Your response to being rudely rejected is to send sexually explicit imagery? Am I the only one who would not feel comfortable being in the same room as someone who thinks this is reasonable?