Miscellaneous: Today, I learned that "prima donna" was not in fact "pre-Madonna"...

By (///▽///) - United States - Austin

Today, I learned that "prima donna" was not in fact "pre-Madonna" like I'd always thought. My family won't stop laughing at me. FML

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Miscellaneous

Assumptions

Scoville scale

Zeitgeist

By Anonymous - 6/4/2021 16:00 - United States - Wilton

Classic story

Today, I’m getting so old that the local radio station that plays the “old classics” is playing songs I listened to in high school. FML

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By ughreally - United States - Sartell

Today, I went on a blind date. He showed up in a shirt that read, "I f*ck on first dates". FML

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By crazycatlady - United States - Ashland

Today, I woke up with my cat's asshole planted firmly on my forehead. FML

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By anon

Today, my wife and I got into an argument. She ran out, yelling. Later, at work, I felt guilty, so I picked up some flowers and a card. When I presented them to her, she looked puzzled. I made the mistake of reminding her about our argument. She is now mad at me, again. FML

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By stupidpolicia - Brazil

Today, the gas station right in front of my apartment had people listening to loud music all night. I have this 3 hour test at 7:30am and didn't get any sleep. Worst of all, here in Brazil, calling the police won't help a thing. Instead of actually helping, they'll stop and join the party. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the girl I have had a crush on for the last 4 months asked me on AIM how to block someone. 30 seconds after I finished explaining how to block someone on iChat, she went offline and I haven't seen her on AIM since. FML

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By mee - 24/11/2020 08:02

Knock off

Today, I overheard my six year-old step-son playing with his sister and cousin. His sister was the baby, cousin the step-dad, and he got to be “the best one” because he was the "real dad." FML

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By Jmdezy - United States

Today, I was drunk and sent my friend a picture of my penis. He edited the picture and put hands and sunglasses on it before sending it to practically everyone I know. FML

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By Nalya - France

Today, my fiancé told me, that after 7 years together, he is no longer in love with me. Shocked and appalled, I ask him if he has anything else to add. "Happy Birthday". FML

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By Shantoya - United States

Today, the guy I've secretly been in love with for years told me how hot my brother is. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend shared with me his anxiety about death, so I shared with him one of my ridiculously irrational fears. He thought I was making fun of him and now won't talk to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was looking in the refrigerator for the chicken I bought four days ago. I finally found it - not in the refrigerator, not in the freezer, but in the trunk of my car, which now smells like a dead animal. FML

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By Anonymous - Slovakia

Today, while presenting a project I've worked on for months, one of the professors exasperatedly cut in mid-sentence, saying, "Look, it's shit. Just stop already." FML

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33815

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By Stormy - United States

Today, after a long and tiring day at work, I went to the movies, loaded up on soda, popcorn, and candy. I ended up falling asleep and being woken up two hours later by an usher. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to tan naked in a secluded part of my yard, so I wouldn't get tan lines. I even felt adventurous enough to leave my bikini and towel inside. This idea backfired however when my mom stopped home from work, assumed I wasn't home, and locked all the doors before she left again. FML

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By NotHungryAnymore - United States - Rochester

Today, my boss is now so comfortable with me that she doesn't even try to hide the fact that she goes digging for gold in her nose through every conversation we have. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I burned my nose. How? I tried sniffing a lit candle. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I found out that if you accidentally step on your boss's dog's tail, yes, you can get fired. But not because you stepped on the dog's tail. You didn't say sorry. FML

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29244

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By and god shat - United States - Klamath Falls

Today, while sitting on my front porch, my cat came up beside me. I started idly stroking her, only to turn and realize I was petting a wild raccoon. FML

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49179

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By nopanties - United States - Durham

Felt cute, might delete later

Today, my boyfriend ripped my panties trying to get them off. Not off me, off himself. FML

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By EmployeeOfTheMonth - United States - Montpelier

Today, I attempted to make a good impression amongst new coworkers by volunteering to be the designated driver at my work party. What did that get me? A backseat full of puke and some idiot too drunk to remember where he lived. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me and I told him about the AnimeCon I'm attending, and that I wanted to go as Sailor Mars, he told me he had no idea what that was. After being mad for about ten minutes, I realized that I wanted to break up with him over not knowing what Sailor Moon was. FML

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By aproudmom - United States - Glen Head

Nerf bullets

Today, after work I came home to find my sons trying to use my tampons as nerf bullets. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bellaire

Today, my boyfriend accidentally broke my nose the day he was meeting my parents for the first time. FML

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By kittyfiddlernono - Bulgaria - Pernik

Today, I went on a date with a seemingly really awesome guy. It went quite well, until dessert came and he started telling me why bestiality "isn't really so wrong, you know?" Riiiggghhttt. Looks like I'm still single. FML

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By ohnoooooo - United Kingdom

Today, I watched my boyfriend's band play a gig. I also found out he pulls the same faces playing the bass as he does when we have sex. FML

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By Sick

Today, I noticed a thick layer of mold growing inside the straw of my water bottle. I use that bottle every day. FML

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5662

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By somuchforthat - Australia

Today, I woke up and found a small leg of what used to belong to a spider on the corner of my mouth. FML

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35599

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By california - United States

Today, I was walking down the street and noticed a man in ripped clothes with a cup out asking for money. I was on my way to the movies but I felt like this man needed it more that me. Right as I gave it to him, he pulled out his blackberry. FML

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By theamericandream - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me to set up his new Mac and transfer all the pictures from his old notebook. Seems like he forgot that when he went on vacation 2 months ago he took pictures of him getting it on with another guy. We've been together for 3 years and just moved in together. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I snuck out of my house in the middle of the night. I ran into my dad carrying wine into another house. I didn't assume he was cheating until he saw me and said "I won't tell if you don't tell, please don't tell your mother". FML

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By himtopia19 - United States

Today, I was driving at night and saw a small animal run across the road. I slammed on my brakes and got rear-ended. The animal turned out to be a plastic grocery bag. FML

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By guh - Malaysia - Subang Jaya

Today, I heard grunting noises from my brother's room, like when he's having a seizure, so I went in to help. And now I need brain bleach. FML

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By oogabooga9

Today, I was clearing out the garage when a large bouncy ball rolled into the drive. Only when I blasted it full force with my foot and collapsed did I realise it was actually a bowling ball. Two of my toes are broken. FML

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By dumped - United States - Atlanta

Today, I told my friend about a fight I had earlier with my girlfriend. He thought it'd be funny to use my phone while I was in the bathroom and text her "ure such a cunt". She wouldn't believe the truth, even when my friend confessed to her. She thought I paid him to take the fall. FML

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By Lisa

Today, I came home from my vacation. My sister had been taking care of my dog and my apartment while I was away. As I walked in, I was greeted by a floor covered in poop and a destroyed couch. FML

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2497

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By jj4320 - United States

Today, I got pulled over for distracted driving. Not for cell phone use but for nose picking and inspecting. FML

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By ThanksChris - United States

Today, I was watching my cousin shoot at targets on hay bales with his plastic pellet BB gun. After my sister asked him if it would hurt to be shot with one, my cousin smiled at her and said, "Ask your sister" as he shot me in the leg. I think my screaming was obvious enough. It hurts. FML

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By coloneltushfinger

Today, I did the best at-home manicure I’ve ever had. I took my time and it looked like it was done professionally. As soon as I put on the top coat and waited for it to dry, my stomach rumbled and I had to run to take a dump. The polish smeared everywhere, ruining the whole thing. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2020 14:02

Mr. Robot

Today, our computer system has irretrievably broken down due to viruses. My boss is the one who refused to get new antivirus software, but he’s still blaming me because I’m the computer guy and should be able to protect us from stupidly complicated viruses, "like the hackers in the movies." FML

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Top comments

By Jachin357 | 28

#7412818 - Sunday 19 February 2017 4:09

well... I just learned something new too. The more you know!

By stingray112 | 24

#7412812 - Sunday 19 February 2017 4:01

If that's the dumbest thing that you do, you'll be alright

COMMENTS

By stingray112 | 24

#7412812 - Sunday 19 February 2017 4:01

If that's the dumbest thing that you do, you'll be alright

By ariajw | 2

#7412813 - Sunday 19 February 2017 4:02

I actually did not know that.

By Bekll | 30

#7412815 - Sunday 19 February 2017 4:07

Thanks Catherine Obvious. (Made me think of that.)

Bekll | 30

#7413043 - Sunday 19 February 2017 18:12

Guess that went over people's heads. It's from Victorious.

By alternative-facts | 6

#7412816 - Sunday 19 February 2017 4:07

Um. How old are you?

By Jachin357 | 28

#7412818 - Sunday 19 February 2017 4:09

well... I just learned something new too. The more you know!

QueenBeeGotStung | 24

#7412908 - Sunday 19 February 2017 10:50

Lol, me too. Also used to think Aspergers was Ashburgers.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7412820 - Sunday 19 February 2017 4:10

I guess you're no longer like a virgin.

By acmariner99 | 24

#7412822 - Sunday 19 February 2017 4:44

*facepalm*

By rustybucket | 24

#7412836 - Sunday 19 February 2017 5:52

I thought it was pre-madonna for YEARS. Don't best yourself up, OP.

By HiTenshi16 | 11

#7412856 - Sunday 19 February 2017 7:34

That's one of the stupidest things someone could laugh at another for.

By RusticChick | 27

#7412858 - Sunday 19 February 2017 7:37

They can laugh at me too cuz I didnt know either. Dont feel bad, OP.