Kids: Today, I gave my son a bollocking for losing a very important... - FML

By Daddy - 10/11/2008 12:06 - France

Today, I gave my son a bollocking for losing a very important paper that I needed for work. I've just found it in my right pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 454

You deserved it 59 566

BO Central

Wakey wakey

Unmatched

By lastinclass - 13/07/2016 21:28 - Canada - Vancouver

Today at camp, we were choosing teams for capture the flag. It's embarrassing to be chosen last, but today I learnt it's even more embarrassing to not be chosen at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 138

You deserved it 1 038

By 635CSi - 06/06/2012 05:23 - United States - San Diego

Today, my father-in-law called me an idiot for buying him coffee cake because he can't have caffeine. He refuses to believe that there's as much coffee in coffee cake as there is ham in a hamburger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 041

You deserved it 2 960

By Optimus_Prime97 - 03/05/2012 02:39 - United States

Today, I accidentally adopted a dolphin for $125. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 901

You deserved it 31 732

Moving

By Anonymous - 16/05/2020 05:00

Today, I realized timing really is everything. I met the man of my dreams less than a month before I’m relocating for work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 331

You deserved it 225

By Anonymous - 11/08/2009 04:06 - United States

Today, I was at the beach with friends and I fell asleep while I was tanning. When I woke up, everyone was laughing hysterically. I asked what was so funny, and one of my friends replies, "you farted so loud in your sleep that you woke yourself up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 467

You deserved it 7 926

By a fat fucking shit and proud of it - 28/06/2014 19:09 - United Kingdom - Camberley

Today, it's been less than a week since I finally got a job, after over a year of searching. I just found out that there's about to be a wave of layoffs. I haven't even gotten my first paycheck, and already I'm going to lose my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 318

You deserved it 3 764

By ultraattitude - 22/04/2012 07:01 - United States - Union City

Today, I met a hot guy at the bar and we hit it off instantly. After a few drinks, he called a cab for us. When it arrived, I seducingly asked, "My place or yours?" He responds, "Both. I'll go to mine and you go to yours" and walked away. The cab driver laughed the whole way home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 926

You deserved it 12 567

Spin on this

By foreveralone - 21/03/2020 06:00

Today, I had my first kiss. It would have been great if I wasn't playing spin the bottle as a 23-year-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 545

You deserved it 349

By amorousintx - 26/09/2010 23:58 - United States

Spicy

Today, my grad student husband was unusually frisky in the middle of the day. I took the opportunity and we had an enjoyable afternoon romp. Afterward, I asked him what had gotten him in such a good mood. He replied, "I'd do just about anything to get out of doing my homework." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 259

You deserved it 4 151

I am sexy

By Anonymous - 19/12/2019 18:00

Spicy

Today, I went to a zoo that had a gorilla in a cage. I walked up, and the gorilla stopped what he was doing, looked me in the eyes, and started jacking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 368

You deserved it 465

Temporarily Embarrassed Millionaires

By Anonymous - 12/12/2020 14:02

Today, my father decided that he "wants to get rich." His method of choice? Bitcoin trading. He's already lost a lot of money, but won't stop, because, "he doesn't listen to haters." FML

I agree, your life sucks 907

You deserved it 64

By Anonymous - 22/01/2017 18:00

Today, I quit smoking cigarettes. While driving to work, the car in front of me flicked his out the window, flying straight into mine. It set the bottom of my seat on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 319

You deserved it 539

By malcolmXXX - 14/10/2015 02:01 - United States - Savannah

Today, a girl I've liked for the longest time kept asking me to reveal my "deepest secret" in exchange for hers. Thinking this was flirting, I told her my secret was that I liked her. Her secret was that she was a "lesbian and just had to tell somebody." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 272

You deserved it 2 340

By snoozlagist - 30/10/2010 04:52 - United States

Today, while on the bus, I began to fall asleep. Suddenly, a man next to me started laughing very loudly, scaring me and jolting me out from my nap. I was so scared, I reflexively punched the girl in front of me in the face. I was pinned down by three other men while the cops were called. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 426

You deserved it 10 345

Unconditional support

By anon - 16/12/2019 03:00 - United States - Hinesville

Today, my girlfriend told me she'd support my decision to stay in, or get out of the military, so I renewed my contract...... She broke up with me for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 152

You deserved it 288

By WTF - 12/10/2012 23:00 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, I had to eat my breakfast in terrified silence, as my hungover mother staggered into the room, shouted at the kettle for not boiling fast enough, and after a few seconds, screamed that I'd sabotaged it. I'm now grounded for supposedly trying to fuck with her head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 827

You deserved it 1 666

By Courtney - 28/06/2011 02:10 - United States

Today, I couldn't figure out what was worse: accidentally dropping my car keys into the bottom of a filthy park lake, or getting a fishhook through my toenail in an attempt to retrieve them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 830

You deserved it 5 096

By Tai - 31/10/2010 13:30 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when I came. She got pissed and slapped me really hard for cumming inside her because she didnt want to get pregnant. 1. I was wearing a condom. 2. She's on the pill. 3. We were having anal sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 067

You deserved it 9 875

By JStein - 29/11/2012 04:33 - United States - Hampshire

Today my boyfriend and my best friend had a very lengthy, detailed conversation about Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit, of which I know nothing about. Once they stopped, I looked at him and smiled, and he responded with, "Why can't you be more like her?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 283

You deserved it 8 930

By Rojo - 14/08/2018 03:30

Today, I was notified that my work is cutting my pay almost in half. I just renewed my long-term lease on an expensive apartment because I was able to afford it before this morning. Now I have no idea how I’m going to pay for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 353

You deserved it 207

What the hell did you do?

By Anonymous - 13/08/2021 07:01 - United States - Steele

Today, while at a family reunion, my parents kept bringing up horrible things I did when I was about 4-6 years-old that I've been trying to forget for decades. After a while, I just stormed out. When I came back in the room, my dad had the nerve to ask me why I left and why I wasn't talking to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 770

You deserved it 123

By emisara93 - 23/12/2017 19:00

Today, I chipped my tooth by biting down on my toothbrush. I don't know what hurts more: the irony or the fact I have no dental insurance until January. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 622

You deserved it 431

Abandoned

By Anonymous - 30/07/2015 06:56 - Australia

Today, while shopping with my sister, she asked me to wait for her while she quickly said hello to a friend. I sat on a bench for an hour before I realised she wasn't coming back. Turns out, "Hello" had turned into a date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 596

You deserved it 2 328

By judge not, ye cunt - 21/12/2012 23:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was overseeing a nativity play rehearsal. Things went fairly well, until a boy's grandma stormed in, ranting that Christmas is a "Pagan abomination", and shouting for him and his mom to leave with her. Half the kids were left in tears, and we had to cancel the rehearsal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 082

You deserved it 2 991

By Trumpet - 28/06/2019 02:49

Today, my mom called me again to whine about what she heard about Trump on the news. I don't like him either and often agree with her, but she does this every 20 minutes so she can update with me. She's done this since he took office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 729

You deserved it 414

Meanwhile, in 1953…

By nope! - 04/03/2020 12:00

Today, I had my first date in more than two years. As soon as I sat down, the first words out of his mouth were, "How many people have you had sex with? Not just recently, but ever. I don’t date women who’ve had more than 5 partners." I left before we'd even ordered drinks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 764

You deserved it 249

By viabbey - 24/08/2019 16:00 - United States - Cadillac

Today, after waking up in a panic since I slept through my alarm, I hurriedly got ready and started speeding to work. On the way, I texted my boss to apologize for running late. His response? "It's Saturday." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 424

You deserved it 675

By Livewire - 01/01/2012 01:22 - United States

Today, it's New Year's Eve. My husband and I weren't invited to any parties, and we don't have a sitter to be able to go out by ourselves. Instead, I'm watching "Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2" on the Disney channel with our 5-year-old, and my husband has passed out on the couch from sheer boredom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 864

You deserved it 7 510

By grem - 13/04/2009 23:27 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's family for the first time. I was playing with his little sister by grabbing her arms and spinning her around. On one turn, she started screaming in pain. It turns out I dislocated both her shoulders. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 650

You deserved it 69 404

By faitesdesgosses - 19/05/2014 14:27 - France - Mantes-la-ville

Today, I asked my 7-year-old daughter what job she would like when she grows up. She calmly replied that she wouldn't have one; she'd just bring her husband round to my place and steal food from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 065

You deserved it 7 095

By muddled - 02/05/2012 06:16 - United States - Joliet

Today, I realized I have more in common with a cantaloupe than I do with my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 819

You deserved it 5 111

By ? - 29/11/2009 07:59 - United States

Today, while I was in confession, I was saying my sins and the priest called me a "pain in the ass." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 544

You deserved it 9 904

Foreshadowing

By Anonymous - 22/05/2021 17:01

Today, I was talking to the girl I have a date with on Friday, and for the second day in a row, I misheard her and thought she was saying something about moving in with me. Friday is our first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 650

You deserved it 213

By Anonymous - 05/05/2013 19:35 - United States - Bellevue

Today, my girlfriend and I were at the river. She threw mud on me, so I playfully threw some on her, and we got into a mud fight. Apparently, she took the "fight" seriously, because I'm now single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 840

You deserved it 6 003

By hard worker - 22/08/2016 01:03

Today, I gave my boss 2 weeks notice for me leaving work, as I had received a better job offer with twice the pay. I thought he took it well until I heard him mutter under his breath, "About fucking time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 232

You deserved it 1 604

By Anon - 08/04/2013 22:04 - United States - Bowling Green

Today, while walking to my car after work, I witnessed some moron who was texting while riding her bike running right into my parked car, resulting in a broken side mirror, a damaged windshield, two dents, and for her, a broken phone and nose. She's threatening to sue me for damages. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 885

You deserved it 2 471

By can't sleep - 18/03/2014 08:36 - United States - Crown Point

Today, my mother taught my 98-year-old great-uncle to knock on the wall if he needs us. He can't remember who we are, but every hour he can remember to knock to ask, "Is it breakfast yet?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 743

You deserved it 4 126

By twatstick - 21/08/2013 17:30 - United Kingdom - Worksop

Today, at work, I had to utter the phrase, "Sir, please stop rubbing yourself with the peas." It's exactly how it sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 682

You deserved it 3 351

By roomie487 - 06/10/2009 21:08 - United Kingdom

Today, I met my new roommate. I also met her stuffed animals, who introduced themselves to me. My roommate makes inanimate objects talk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 153

You deserved it 4 316

By sweeeeet - 09/02/2010 03:29 - United States

Today, I got called out of class to talk to some cops. Turns out my car was involved in a hit and run accident, while I was in school and there was no possible way it could have been me. But since they have no one else, it's my fault. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 917

You deserved it 2 208

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Top comments

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Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:41

Son you lost my paper go canoe in that lake!!! It means an argument you guys.

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Friday 27 March 2009 5:05

I think that means beating..

Comments

_shit_happens_ 0

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Friday 27 March 2009 4:15

a row?

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Tuesday 27 April 2010 2:08

FIRST!!! (to comment to the first comment)

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Monday 10 May 2010 23:58

Hope you learned OP. Fucking idiot.

grrrrmetigers 0

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Wednesday 25 May 2011 2:56

it means a fight!

I_lost_the_game 25

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Monday 9 July 2012 0:35

You can't give someone a row, so I'm guessing that in this situation, it doesn't mean a fight.

BeforeItWasCool 12

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Monday 3 December 2012 2:17

In some parts of Europe to give someone a row means to tell them off, or to argue.

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Friday 27 March 2009 5:05

I think that means beating..

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Tuesday 28 October 2014 8:12

I'm sorry, but reading this FML makes me mad. You should never, and I mean never beat your kids. It makes me sick.

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Saturday 1 November 2014 3:25

idk, corporeal punishment has some benefits I mean, it did me some good. I'm not in jail :)

thatonetribute 31

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Thursday 21 May 2015 19:48

A row is a fight. Not beating.

GamingTroller101 12

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Thursday 16 June 2016 13:10

If it does, then he should pay him back with something like money or perhaps a game.

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Saturday 28 March 2009 21:12

Kid might be holding that over your head for a little while.

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Friday 2 March 2012 3:27

And if the kid doesn't I hope his mother does!

Boomi 38

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Wednesday 14 September 2016 17:40

I know I would.

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Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:41

Son you lost my paper go canoe in that lake!!! It means an argument you guys.

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Thursday 16 December 2010 4:58

lol "row"

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Friday 29 April 2011 2:06

ahahahaha

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Thursday 10 January 2013 6:49

Lol! I lost it when I read this.

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Sunday 5 April 2009 20:06

AHAHAHHA your kids going to grow up to be a drug dealer and probably be in the system before his 16th birthday. Have fun paying bail

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Wednesday 8 April 2009 23:47

wtf is row

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Monday 22 August 2011 7:58

U should read number 4 and learn a new word!

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Thursday 16 April 2009 10:44

he told the kid off people. i bet you felt like an ass, i've done the same sort of thing so many times.

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Thursday 23 April 2009 6:20

my mum always does the same thing to me and it pisses me off like hell. YDI and he should probably give you a "row" now whatever that is.

PaperxHearts_xox 0

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Sunday 26 April 2009 23:34

My mother does that all the time. and to give a row means a beating, spanking, general discipline. but at least you know to check your pockets before blaming someone.

leh9 2

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 2:59

Everyone listen to dis guy

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Thursday 30 April 2009 1:01

I give myself a row all the time

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Sunday 30 March 2014 20:21

I can give you one too.... heh heh

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17

You deserved it 42

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I had a horrible date with this guy I’ve been seeing. He wanted me to give it up, but I wasn’t ready, so he dumped me on the spot. I went home crying to my mother and her response was, “Stop being such a prude! What are you? Ten? Grow the fuck up!” Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 763

You deserved it 148

Today, my wife and I had arranged a threesome with a guy, but I was late home so they “had the threesome without me.” It’s not cheating, because I obviously knew she was going to have sex with him during the threesome, but me not being there makes me mad and I can’t coherently explain why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 866

You deserved it 1 070